jonny_yea Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 So here's the just of it, I've type this story so many times my hands hurt, but I'm hoping I get some excellent advice, please, try your best guys on oct 4th, my girlfriend broke up with me (we had been dating for a year and seven months). During this relationship we expressed our love greatly, her moreso than me. We did have rocky points too especially near the end that were generally my fault. Her reason for leaving, was that she wanted to "explore other things" (pretty much other guys). She didn't tell me this reason when she acctually broke up with me, becasue I was quite devestated. I tried the whole No Contact thing for a couple of weeks when she called me at work because she was upset with things that were going on with family and such. A few days later she asked me to go for a coffee, the same on the day after. Lately we have been hanging out, going out for coffee and just doing friend things. Her mother invited me over for dinner tonight and I accepted (well my ex gf acctually told me her mother invited me). We ended up in the basement after dinner, and started joking around and play fighting and then in a split second she was hugging me and wanted me to just hug her back...and we stood there for 5 mins, just clinging onto each other (it was really quite romantic) She told me also, that she has put all my pictures back up a few days ago (she took them down but what she doesnt know is that I put all her **** in a box) She has told me a few days ago (when I needed to find out why she called me after I told her I wanted NC) that she still has feelings for me, but she just needs more time. Now, I've noticed that since we broke up, she's been a little more flirtacious with her guy friends (but shes entitled to that since shes single right? ALTHOUGH SHE DOES HAVE * a picture of one of her guy friends on teh backgroung of her phone). She knows I still care for her, but she told me that she doesnt want me to wait for her becasue thats not fair to me at all. But, I still think she has something there for me, and I want to know if she's worth sticking around for, she still trusts me with SO much as do I with her & and the way we look at each other, it's like just such a connection but maybe its in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
suegail Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 It sounds to me as if she still cares for you alot, and at least she is being honest - at least it sounds that way. Just give her the time she needs and if you can tolerate the fact of her dating others, be a friend and continue to be understanding. That will say alot about your character, and she'll take note of it and one day she may say to herself, 'what the heck am I wasting my time with these other guys for when I've had someone wonderful in my life?' Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 ALTHOUGH SHE DOES HAVE * a picture of one of her guy friends on teh backgroung of her phone RED FLAG ALERT NC means no contact. No calling her back to see what she wants. Youre in the friend zone, buddy... Link to post Share on other sites
dr strangelove Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 One day back when I honestly didnt give a S**T. My ex told she met someone else and how great he was. Kind a like she has done now, except I think he is a figmemt of her imagination. I just said great, im glad you found someone. I didnt really bother her, she kept calling me etc. Its funny women always want you when you have no interest in them. And I wish I could be all into to something else right now, but its just not my mindset. But you my friend have no excuse. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonny_yea Posted November 1, 2005 Author Share Posted November 1, 2005 It sounds to me as if she still cares for you alot, and at least she is being honest - at least it sounds that way. Just give her the time she needs and if you can tolerate the fact of her dating others, be a friend and continue to be understanding. That will say alot about your character, and she'll take note of it and one day she may say to herself, 'what the heck am I wasting my time with these other guys for when I've had someone wonderful in my life?' I agree with you on that...and seeing how you are a women, that kinda helps (Female perspective.. ) RED FLAG ALERT NC means no contact. No calling her back to see what she wants. Youre in the friend zone, buddy... I don't know if I totally agree....like NC would just mean that I'm not even there for her...we had a great friendship before we started dating, it'd really suck to lose one of my best friends...but I can't get rid of the fact that she still MIGHT care for me alot, its just welded there in the back of my brain... I think it's like borderline friend zone. But as far as that picture goes (on her phone background), it's not really bothering me all that much, like if she wants to go and make out with this guy, I pretty much told her to do whatever she needs to do to find out for SURE. There's way too many POSITIVES outweighing the NEGATIVES here, at least that's what I think... any opinions? Thanks everyone again for the comments Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonny_yea Posted November 1, 2005 Author Share Posted November 1, 2005 I hate to do this..but Im gonna try to bump this up....sorry guys... Link to post Share on other sites
Rocko Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 It sounds to me as if she still cares for you alot, and at least she is being honest - at least it sounds that way. Just give her the time she needs and if you can tolerate the fact of her dating others, be a friend and continue to be understanding. That will say alot about your character, and she'll take note of it and one day she may say to herself, 'what the heck am I wasting my time with these other guys for when I've had someone wonderful in my life?' If you do this, she will never give you a second thought again. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 >There's way too many POSITIVES outweighing the NEGATIVES here, at least that's what I think Oh yeah? Whats the positives, exactly? That shes out doin other guys and youre just chillin on the sidelines until she's done having her fun? And even then, you dont know for sure if she'll want you back? Give me a break -- seriously...drop your purse and do the same as she has, move on. She's not coming back to you if you sit around and wait for her. Guaranteed. Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Johnny IMHO I think listening to your heart is the best thing to do. As far as NC goes?? Well it has it's time and place depending on the situation. I don't agree that your situation requires strict NC. It just depends on how she reacts to your attempts of contacting her and from what you've told us she seems happy to talk to you. It also depends on how well you can control your emotions as well. As long as you don't sound sad or cry when you talk to her then it's ok to have contact with her. If I were you I would do "reduced contact" instead of no contact. Reduced contact would be like calling her once or twice a month. Also it would mean calling her 1 time for every 3 times she calls you. Here is a link that has helped me out and hopefully it will help you out too. There are 4 versions of "the lost guide to the no contact policy" by lost_in_chicago http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t35003 Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I would like to also add that if you decide to remain friends then make sure you are doing it without an agenda to get her back otherwise you'll be disappointed if she doesn't want to come back. Also date others in the meantime if your heart is ready for that. Maybe the two of you will cross paths again in the future. I went to visit my ex gf last friday and it went quite well. She thanked me twice for the flowers and friendship card I gave her. I honestly went to visit her with the mindset that I'm just hanging out with a good friend. I didn't have an agenda to get her to come back. She still needs time and both of us have agreed to leave it up to fate. I did NC for 25 days before the visit. I went 32 days without initiating contact. I'm back to exercising NC until thanksgiving or unless she calls before then. Whichever comes first. I haven't had contact with her since I left her house friday night. Now is not the time to push my luck by calling her everyday again. In the meantime I reactivated my online dating profile and I"m keeping my options open. Who knows? I could meet someone better tomorrow and forget all about reconciling romantically with her. If she decides to reconsider by then it will be too late but at the very least we are going to remain good friends. There's 2 reasons why I would enforce strict no contact. a. to give myself time to get my emotions under control so that I can keep my emotions at bay if/when I contact my ex again. b. to give her time and space to think without pushing her further away. It's not meant to be a game. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 > It's not meant to be a game. No one suggested playing games. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonny_yea Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 I'll let you guys in on a little something that happened yesterday, well over the weekend too. She told me a couple of days ago that a she was really mad at a guy friend of hers, but I never really pushed the question as to "why". Then while she was IM'ing people, while I was with her, she told me that she wasn't on speaking terms with one of her girlfriends.... Yesterday, a buddy of mine, who I haven't hung out with in a while told me something that just ****ed my mindset up totally. (The girl that my ex is mad @ was dating this buddy of mine before, and he was trying to get back with her...now hes not a small mother****er either....he'd **** **** up, he has before). He told me that he heard on friday my ex had fooled around with this one guy (the guy she was mad @, who is also supposed to be a buddy of ours...we don't hang out that much but both of us were still friends with him), then the next day, fooled around with HIS ex @ a party. He felt he just had to let me know, and he HAD already confronted his ex and this guy about it, he ened up****ing slapping him around. I thanked him for telling me, and finally made all the connections, about why she was mad at her friend and that guy. I know I told her to go and do her own thing and see whatever she has to do, but this crossed the line...Ive lost a friend, and who knows what the **** Im gonna do when I see him. The funny thing is tho, we talked about our relationship last night, and she keeps telling me that there are so many things that tell her to get back together with me, but at the same time she doesn't know if she should because shes confused about whether or not she wants the commitment, and she says she just needs to get her life on track before she can decide, she says she needs a job and needs to get rid of all the free time on her hands so she can acctually be @ one with herself and make the right decision. I asked her why she was so mad @ her friend also, and she said she couldnt talk about it right now, and I asked why she was mad at someone else (I played stupid and said I couldnt remember who it was) and she said I'll tell you later when the time is right, but I now isn't a good time, but promised to tell me. She also told me that like lately she's been having bad days, and the only time they get better is @ the end of them when she calls me up and we go out, because she tells me that I can make her smile and make everything fell 1000 times better. Apparently thats what drives her to want to be with me. I told her that she changed a lot and this was caused by her change in her social circle...she agreed. But she says all the changes were for the better, they helped her grow as a person.. I txted her this morning and told her that theres some **** I need to get off my chest and talk to her about, so we're supposed to be going out for coffee tonight. (BTW, she pretty much voluntairly lied to me, she told me that nothing happened on the weekend, when I never even asked her)... So what I'm gonna tell her is that I know what happened, Im losing a friend because of it, and I have no pity on her, but if she REALLY wants my friendship, SHEs gonna have to work on it, lying to me was a bad idea, and that shes right, for the time being, we REALLY shouldnt be together... She was my world...my life....my heart and soul...and i feel like I've lost my bestfriend, thats what she was to me, my bestfriend, thats why it hurts so much. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonny_yea Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 bahhh.....I cant get this feeling out of my head......i cant even function properly at work.....i keep thinking about tonight Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Is your ex 21? Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Is your ex 21? LMAO I'm sorry, but anyone who lies to me, tells me they need to get "rid" of their free time they have on their hands (wtf? usually its "I DONT have ENOUGH free time"), messes up my friendships, and isnt sure if they want to be with me can go eat sh*t. WAY too much (high school) drama for anyone to have to endure. You would have to be insane for voluntarily subjecting yourself to this. Link to post Share on other sites
seachange Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Your ex said: she doesn't know if she should because shes confused about whether or not she wants the commitment, and she says she just needs to get her life on track before she can decide ...and that's everything you need to know. She said she's considering getting back with you because you make her smile - but she isn't doing much to make you feel good these days. She's even being a crappy friend. Jdub called it. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonny_yea Posted November 9, 2005 Author Share Posted November 9, 2005 Well....its me...Im back again.... ...and I've continued to be friends with her aside from the fact of everything thats happened. Its strange...We still cuddle when she comes over, and she'll kiss me and hug me every so often....until one day we were about to leave me house and she did this action that she normally does when shes about to cry or when shes upset, but I didnt really take notice until she grabbed me, put her head on my shoulder, and started crying....I think she misses me.... I never asked her why she was crying...well I did, but she said I already know the answer...before I could respond I was paged away from the phone ( I was at work).... Ive heard from very REALIABLE sources that a week ago or so she said that she enjoys being single...but she misses me alot...i still think shes a confused girl..... I went and got some pictures of us (from a trip) developed yesterday and she happened to be with me when I picked them up ( I didnt plan on this) and so we looked at them very briefly.... Later on that night I looked at the little card that Kodak supplies with all of the small pictures on it and noticed that I was missing four.... I asked her about it and she told me she didnt want to let me in on it but I kinda found out already - she was putting together a scrapbook for me with pics of events we had together..... Now.... dum dum dum.... this sounds like the Nail in the coffin.... could she be saying... "heres a scrapbook of things we did, see ya later, its never gonna happen again" or am I reading too much into and maybe she just wants to show her appreciation to me? She tells me all sorts of things that if it wasnt for me she'd never get her hmwrk done, and that she wants me to take her to the mall tommorow so she can hand in resumes, so that she can acctually get a job again...because she wont be able to do it on her own...she wouldnt have the motivation (I believe that by the way, sometimes she does need a little push to get things going, something her friends prob wouldnt really do) And she also asked me if we could watch one of our favorite shows on TV that night, after her soccer.... NOTE: I did make her a scrapbook for our one year anniversary, that she absolutely adored (she cried for so long - happy tears ) She couldnt believe I acctually took my time and effort and put it into something so heart warming and loving. BTW - Bedouin SoundClash - When the night feels my song (I LOVE THIS SONG) Link to post Share on other sites
Airtouch Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 she told me that she doesnt want me to wait for her becasue thats not fair to me at all. This sounds like a polite way to say, "move on with your life," without hurting your feelings. (At least that's the way I meant it when I used that line before..) From the rest of your post, she sounds like she may not really know what she wants even if you already do. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
blue16 Posted November 10, 2005 Share Posted November 10, 2005 My suggestion is to stop being her girly friend. This is ridiculous. 1) She lied to you about her guy 'friend' 2) She says you should move on and not wait for her 3) She mentions that she can't spare her 'free time' to be with you I wouldn't recommend blatant no contact right this second, in the sense of totally dismissing her. Like if she tires to contact you, don't just ignore her call or be rude to her. However, I think you should just be polite, short, and courteous to her and leave it at that. Be unavailable. Don't contact her. Make her realize that you aren't just sitting there pining for her. If you keep being 'there for her' or 'her friend' then she isn't going to miss you at all. It won't give her a chance to see what she's lost. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonny_yea Posted November 11, 2005 Author Share Posted November 11, 2005 1) She lied to you about her guy 'friend' 2) She says you should move on and not wait for her 3) She mentions that she can't spare her 'free time' to be with you She didn't really lie to my about her guy friend...She told me that the day after nothing happened (meaning on saturday, becasue thats the day I was kinda curious about - it was acctually friday that it happened) And she didnt say that she cant spare her free time to be with me...maybe you misunderstood, sorry We went to the mall today so she can hand it application to get a job, and when we're walking around she was pretty much grabbing my arms and wrapping her arm around mine and just generally flirting with me, it was quite nice....I know....I like the "abuse"... We were supposed to watch that Show tonight ....but she got in **** becasue of her bad grade in math, so she figured she wouldnt be allowed out tonight, although...she did assure me that she was gonna try to persuade her parents into letting her.....she knew I was quite dissapointed...i told her that I thought we were gonna have fun tonight BAHHHHHH Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 >She didn't really lie to my about her guy friend...She told me that the day after nothing happened (meaning on saturday, becasue thats the day I was kinda curious about - it was acctually friday that it happened) Dear gawd would you listen to yourself? Youre making excuses for her lies! WAKE UP! I seriously had to read this like four times for it to register that you are truly sticking up for her. Someone needs to smack some reality in to you, FAST. >And she didnt say that she cant spare her free time to be with me...maybe you misunderstood, sorry Ha, youre right, she said she has TOO MUCH spare time and needs to fill it with other things (not you). Again, wake UP. >We went to the mall today so she can hand it application to get a job, and when we're walking around she was pretty much grabbing my arms and wrapping her arm around mine and just generally flirting with me You? Are being a total, complete, absolute sucker. >it was quite nice....I know....I like the "abuse"... Oh yeah? Then why are you on here asking for advice (when clearly you dont even want it, you just knock everyone's suggestions down or dont even acknowledge them to begin with)? Good luck buddy, youre in for some real pain, real fast. Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted November 11, 2005 Share Posted November 11, 2005 don't be friends with her at all i'm learning the hard way Link to post Share on other sites
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