GuySimple Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 Tonight I went over to my wife’s house to help with Halloween stuff. It was suppose to be a fairly light evening. I took some wine and dressed up and was kind of up for just a fun time. We have been getting along OK in our separate lives so there was no reason to think it wouldn’t be fun. Wrong. She was a real b!tch to me. After about 45 min of s***y treatment I finally asked what was wrong. She said that she didn’t trust me, that I was probably dating and not saying anything. Now I wish that I had a real date but… OK so I pointed out the fact that we are separated and it was kind of her idea to begin with. So we have a fairly intensive discussion and she starts to cry and says that she doesn’t trust me. That I hurt her 8 years ago with my affair. I apologized once again and asked why she didn’t want to deal with it before now etc., etc., all the stuff from several posts ago. She apologized to me for ruining the night. But I’m left wondering what the F**K is going on with her. I don’t know why I feel this way but something tells me that she has not thought a whole lot about me moving out. She was not happy in our marriage and rather than deal with it, it was easier to have me move out. I suggested that she take some time and think about what she wants. I got the typical answer of “I’m too busy with my 1000 things” which was the story of our marriage. I other words I don’t want to deal with it, it is easier to shove under the carpet. I don’t know what to do. I think that I am ready to move on with my life. But something keeps nagging at me about this whole relationship. She keeps saying that she is worried that we won’t be friends. Now I’m not sure why she feels that way. Maybe she wouldn’t take kindly to me finding someone else. I just don’t know. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 GS- You are probably right. She probably didn't think it all out. For instance, I never thought about how it would feel to me after my divorce, for my exhusband's gf to be around my kids all the time. She once painted my daughters nails and it hurt my feelings so bad, because that had always been something I'd done. No one prepares you for that kind of stuff. Of course I had to put on a happy face for my daughter and I did but it hurt. Would she consider counseling to help the two of you make up your minds??? It sounds somewhat like she might still love you. Also, could it be that she was just bluffing in asking for the divorce to spur some type of action on your part?? And that she really didn't want it but since you moved out she didn't know how to back down?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuySimple Posted November 1, 2005 Author Share Posted November 1, 2005 Thanks Pixie, you make some good points. I’m not sure how I would react seeing my kids playing with some other guy. I guess I will have to cross that when I come to it. She absolutely refused to go see a councilor. I saw two a couple of times and each time she said no that she didn’t want to go. That she had made up her mind. She totally shut me out with respect to any possible chance of reconciliation. So I began to move on. Each day is getting better than the last, not perfect, but better. So now she has spun herself up into thinking that I am this dating machine. So needless to say the whole trust thing is not there. Part of me feels sorry for her and part is angry. I’m angry that she wanted nothing to do with attempting to fix the problems but now does not seem to want me to get on with my life. As I said to her last night, don’t ask me about my personal life again because it stopped being your business the day I moved out. I also handed her a bunch of flowers for her birthday and the key to her house. It’s funny about the bluffing comment. Her mother bluffed with her dad and moved out hoping he would chase her. He didn’t. Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 Some people(like my ex wife)will end their marriage thinking that will fix their problems when in reality they wll still have their problems just without the marriage.They think their problems are due to a bad marriage when its just due to a "bad" emotional state not being happy with themselves, but they think "it must be my husbands fault". Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 Well not always Scot- I do think there is something to the theory that no matter who you marry you will have certain problems in common. Usually money and sex. Division of labor. That kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuySimple Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 My wife and I had dinner tonight. At my place. It is her birthday today so we thought it would be a good night to bring my kids over to my place before they spend the night her later this week. The evening went great. I’m still not sure that my wife is fully comfortable with the whole situation. She admitted that she didn’t think she wanted us to live together anymore but was emotional about it and didn’t know why. We talked about it a bit and she said she was conflicted about apologizing for last night. That she had such a strong feeling about my behavior. I told her that although I hadn’t be dating constantly I would have liked to. That I did want to find someone to fill the romantic loving part of my life. The best part about the night was that my kids had a great time. They wanted to spend the night. I took their beds and blankets etc., from home so they immediately saw their room and thought it was wonderful. Now it helps that their room has a view of the pool but hey what the heck. It is working out so far. They come back for the week tomorrow and it is going to be good. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Maybe she is realizing she wants you back and don't know how to go about it because she was the one that made you move out!!! I think she wants you not to have somebody because then it will offically be over between you!! Do you think you can work things through and make the marriage work or is it no turning back? She has to figure out what she wants so that you two can move foward with your life!!! Good Luck hope it all works out glad the kids are adjusting well that is what matters the most... Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuySimple Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 I suggested that maybe she takes some time alone to discover what she wants because that was my first thought. I do know she is trying to discover her feelings in all of this. One issue is that I am becoming comfortable with being who I am. I am not sure I want her even if she finds she acted in haste. You have no idea how difficult it was to even type that last comment, but that is where I am at. I want to help her but I don't know if I want to be her husband anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Then i guess you basically came to term with things and she has lost getting you back thats understandable she was the one who let you go and now she has to live with that !! I wouldn't want to be in her shoes knowing that i kicked my h out and now i want him back but he don't want me !!! Thats sad !!: : Link to post Share on other sites
jhurtinct Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 has anyone filed for divorce yet or is this just a trial seperation, I'm just wondering how the two left it when you moved out. Just my opinion, if your still married with the possiblity of things working out, you should consider not dating and taking time for yourselves as to not cloud feelings or emotions. If there is a slight chance you should be honest with eachother so noyhing happens to the trust you share. As I said just my opinion, most importantly great news about the kids being comfortable. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 has anyone filed for divorce yet or is this just a trial seperation, I'm just wondering how the two left it when you moved out. Just my opinion, if your still married with the possiblity of things working out, you should consider not dating and taking time for yourselves as to not cloud feelings or emotions. If there is a slight chance you should be honest with eachother so noyhing happens to the trust you share. As I said just my opinion, most importantly great news about the kids being comfortable. I agree with jhurt .. Don't date anyone till you decide what you are going to do!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author GuySimple Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 She has made it very clear to me that she does not want me back. Now, actions may say something different but that is totally open for debate. I guess what I have discovered is that the feelings that I once had don't seem to be there. I looked at her tonight and didn't feel anything. I worry that I have don't what she has (I think) and blocked it out, so I have spend a lot of time alone going through what has happened. As I said to her tonight I moved out and had to set up a new home. She is still in the same house and thinks I am on a business trip. Link to post Share on other sites
jhurtinct Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Maybe you need to start IC yourself, it will help you and if she does have a change of heart and you feel ok with it she would join in, I just always hope for and look for the last possible chance and try my damndest until I'm sure there is nothing to try for. Either way the IC will help you put your feeling right, in return maybe helping all the way around. Your feelings may be caused by the hurt and not understanding her, obviously caused by having to set up a new life apart from your kids, thats more than anyone should have to deal with. Good luck with everything Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts