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Hi. I'm interested in seeing what people think about my chances for reconciliation. I'll try to keep the story short. My exgirlfriend and I were together for 5 1/2 months. We jumped right in and even lived together. We've known each other for a couple of years. She was with this man for about 8 years went right into another relationship with a woman for 8 1/2 years then right in with me. She and her ex before me were having problems for a year (among many, many issues, they only had sex about 5 if that in that year) and even went to therapy together. Obviously, it didn't work. My ex finally broke up with her and then we hooked up. It was fast and intense. She stated that she wasn't able to give me 100% pretty much from the get go and said she didn't even want a girlfriend. 2 months into our relationship, she started to call me her girlfriend and things progressed from there. I thought everything was fine. Then, all of a sudden, she wanted to move out but still be together. i wasn't to keen on the idea but went with it because i love her. After about 3 weeks, I asked her if she was seeing anyone else. she said no but that she wanted to start seeing other people. She said she didn't want to risk losing what we had but couldn't give me the emotional committment I was looking for. I couldn't do it...I can't date her knowing that she's out with others. It'd emotionally kill me. We had "break-up" sex about 2 weeks after that. It was phenominal on both parts. (we never had a problem in that area) We talked via e-mail a couple of times after that. She then started to call me although we talked about very general things. That was until I threw verbal vomit out there. I told her I needed space to get my head on right. When she said that she wouldn't call me anymore, I said that's not what I wanted. Anyway, since then we text-messaged 2 times. It's now been a full week since any contact. She even said before that she freaked out and ran all the way to the other end of the pendulum. Anyway, now I'm scared that I've lost her forever. She never could handle seeing me hurt or knowing that she's hurt me. She's in therapy by herself now. She said that she hasn't been alone in over 16 years and needs to figure out who she really is. But...why would she need to date other people? Why would she risk losing me if she didn't want to? Why would she say I'd be the perfect girlfriend for her (which she has) and still run the other way? Help.....

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With only 5 months invested I would consider the idea that things don';t look good..

She told you from the get go that she had issues and was treading lightly and she is in therapy..

Until she straightens herself out with whatever she is dealing with ( Identity)

These isn't a lot you can do other than make sure she knows how you feel and let her have her space..

 

See if she will come to you..

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Thanks Art_Critic. In my head, she'll totally forget about me if we don't talk (in any form) Can she possibly be that messed up? She's a very direct person. She's honest and blunt. (sometimes too blunt) Should I believe her?

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chocolate_boy
Thanks Art_Critic. In my head, she'll totally forget about me if we don't talk (in any form) Can she possibly be that messed up? She's a very direct person. She's honest and blunt. (sometimes too blunt) Should I believe her?

 

You'd think it would work like that, but it doesn't... Absence can make the heart grow stronger, do as she asks. Be supportive and loving, but back off.

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You'd think it would work like that, but it doesn't... Absence can make the heart grow stronger, do as she asks. Be supportive and loving, but back off.

 

Remember this Kuzzi.. It is sooooo true..

 

they never forget..

 

And also remember that what she is going thru isn't about you or your fault.. that is why you have to give her the space she asks for..

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I'm the one that asked for the space because I was on an emotional roller coaster and couldn't take it anymore. I normally do believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder but what about out of sight, out of mind? If she really did miss me, she would have contacted me by now. It's hard for me to believe that it has nothing to do with me. If it did, she wouldn't need to date anyone else.

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I'm the one that asked for the space because I was on an emotional roller coaster and couldn't take it anymore. I normally do believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder but what about out of sight, out of mind? If she really did miss me, she would have contacted me by now. It's hard for me to believe that it has nothing to do with me. If it did, she wouldn't need to date anyone else.

 

It can take months for the heart to grow fonder to the point that they contact you..

 

You need to remmeber that she is dealing with internal issues that will not go away overnight

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Have you ever got dumped and had them come back?

 

Yes.. But I have almost alway's been with someone else by then and it wasn't in the cards.

I have also gone back and gotten a 2nd chance before and even thaen it wasn't in the cards..

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hhmmm...the cards....how long did you wait to go back and why did you? (if you don't mind me asking) I don't know...the whole situation doesn't make any sense. The only good thing I have going for me in this situation is that at least things were great when she left. It's not like we were fighting or anything. It's just really hard to believe that this has nothing to do with me. I guess time will tell. I'm a firm believer that if you really love someone, you don't just get up and leave - regardless of the situation. I would have stood by her while she worked through her issues. (if, in fact, she's honest when she says she has them)

 

By the way, thank you so much for talking to me...I really appreciate it. It's nice to have an outsiders point of vier...

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It was about 2 years later.. I went back because I knew I had made a mistake..

By then she had been thru a quick marriage and had 2 kids..( twins )

and we just couldn't get passed the things that broke us up in the beginning..

 

I still think that it was a mistake that I made and have alway's regreted messing a good thing up.. But sometimes I think there just is no going back.

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I agree that sometimes you can't go back but it would depend on what the reason was for the break-up in the first place. It's kind of funny, but I definately believe that what goes around, comes around. I put my last girlfriend through the same emotional hell (for the first 6 months of our relationship) that my recent ex is putting me through. The only difference is that I wasn't stupid enough to let her go entirely. To this day, I'm not sure why she stuck around. We were together for 4 years. We just now started to work on a friendship, and we've been broken up for 1 1/2 years. I apologized many, many times because I would never want someone to put me through that. I guess the jokes on me. Are you involved with anyone now?

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what's your take on rebounds? I could totally have just been a rebound. But, then again...so could her last girlfriend before me.

 

They can be good.. help you heal.. and move on, clear your head..

The issue with rebounds is that unless the other person is rebounding slo then someone winds up getting hurt..

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Excuse me for intruding on this post.

But I had an awesome rebound guy after my ex husband and I split.

He showed me that there is so much out there, and he showed me how I should be treated (like a lady) and was just an awesome guy. He and I are still friends, our relationship just kind of fizzled out, because he is gone so much for work.... But I truely beleive he was put in my life, for me to get over my exhusband, because if he hadn't been I would probably have taken my ratty ex husband back....

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Hey, Sundrop...do you think it would have lasted if it weren't for his work? I definitely know that I showed my ex what it's like to be in a healthy relationship and how to just enjoy life. (which is why this is so hard) I don't know that I was really a rebound, though. What's your story in relation to a second chance????

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Hey Kuzzi,

Now that I look back on my rebound relationship, no I don't think it would have worked in the long run. It lasted for about three months. He and I were just to different for the long haul. He was still into going out all the time a partying and I hadn't done that in a long time, so when we were hanging out, going out, enjoying each others company and then the newness of the relationship wore off and the excitment died and there was nothing else left. He was there right after my ex and I split, so there wasn't anytime for myself.

He is still a really awesome person and I still enjoy hanging out with him wen I get the chance, but he has a girlfriend now who lives with him.

I just think, people are placed in our life for a reason, sometimes we can see what the reason is and sometimes we don't.

 

Now I have been broken up with my exboyfriend of 3 years for 3 1/2 months now, and I really don't want to get into a rebound relationship. I just kind of want to spend time on me now....

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi, everyone...

 

This is a first-time post, but I want to share a recent experience I had and was wondering what y'all thought. I shouldn't say this is recent because it happened about nine months ago, but I still find myself thinking about it and trying to figure it out from time to time. It still mystifies me....

 

Anyways, I met a girl last summer (2004) via the internet. That is the first (and last) time I'll ever use that method of dating, by the way. Anyways, she lived about 2 hours away from me, which obviously was a major drawback to the relationship. But when I first met her on-line, I was a little intrigued with her and decided to take the trip up to Maine to meet her anyways. I live in Boston. I honestly wasn't expecting this thing to go anywhere, but when I first met the girl, we hit it off like you wouldn't believe. For whatever reason, I found myself up there the next weekend. And the next. And the next. Things were moving very fast ina very shirt time. I had known that she had been through a divorce, but I didn't find out until a month into seeing her just how recent the separation had been. She met me about ten weeks after her husband left her for another woman. Ouch. Well....major red flag, right? Nonetheless, I ignored the red flags, as we sometimes do when our hearts (and other body parts) take over our decision-making pocess. And why not? We had great fun together, we cared about each other, and I won't lie: the sex was incredible.

 

I really had a major soft spot for this girl. She often told me about what a rough childhood she had, her dad dying, her dysfunctional mother exposing her to one creep after the next. The girl was pretty messed up. She was much younger than I am, by the way (mid 20's). For whatever reason, I decided to treat her like a princess, which I did. Never treated anyone like that in my life. Not even close. She was blown away by it. Over the course of a few months, her family really took a strong liking to me. So did her friends. They were all sort of thinking I was going to be long, long term with this girl. It was a teeny bit scary to me because I'm in my mid-30's and have always been a career guy, always been single, never married. Up in Maine, it's a totally different way of life. People get married one weekend, get divorced the next, then start all over again. Well, she started dropping comments to me about marriage and buying a house together and pretty much had rest of our lives mapped out. At the same time, I really hit it off with her little one (her toddler son) and we developed a tight bond, which I never expected to happen...

 

Anyways, we spent the holidays together, everything seemed good. But I noticed more and more hints being dropped my way by her and her friends about us taking things to the next level. And then, at the end of January, she asked to go out to dinner one night. I knew something was up by the way she was acting (very pre-occupied, very nervous). I think she had been prepping for this all week. Anyways, she asked me over dinner to get a place with her, to move in with her. And she wanted me to move out of Boston to do this, meet her somewhere halfway between here and Maine. Because of my job situation at the time, I couldn't move out of the area. I was in a tight spot. I was lining up a new job (and a very important one) and it would have been career suicide to move away during that time. Plus, I thought after 5 months of seeing each other, it was just too fast. And it was. I told her that I cared for her a great deal, but that I couldn't do it...'yet'. Key word: yet. She fought me tooth and nail on it. I explained to her that it wasn't personal. I just needed more time. Of course, she cried and laid a tremendous guilt trip on me.

 

To make a loooooong story short, the next weekend I went up to see her was the last time I ever saw her. Aside from it being very obvious that she was looking for a caretaker above all, she also acted completely whacko between the time I rejected her 'let's live together' offer and the time that it ended (which she never even had the decency to say, 'it's over'.) She played a lot of games, accused me of every sin under the sun (like having another girl on the side), and then shut me out of her life completely (and her son's life), claiming that I had hurt her very badly. She also said all kinds of things that made it very obvious she was just trying to save face with me and heal her crushed ego.

 

In the end, I was the one who was hurt because I really did love this girl and went to hell and high water to take care of her and treat her like gold. The first time I said 'no', it was over. It was very bizarre. But I also think it had a lot to do with it being a rebound, and the fact that she was still traumatized from her husband leaving her. My rejection of her offer opened up those wounds. I haven't spoken to her in eight months. And I miss her. But I'm sure she moved on to some other guy by now and is probably pulling the same crap with him...

 

Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble. I just wanted to tell you guys my story.

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