Sailynn Posted November 1, 2005 Share Posted November 1, 2005 After seeing my ex-GF for the past three months and sharing tender moments, long talks about the past and the future, she now tells me she's afraid. She has fear of getting hurt. She broke it up in the first place and is now back in my life and demonstrating behavior that seems to indicate she wants to be more than friends, but it gets to a point and she balks. What does one do? I know I cannot grant a guaruntee, but how do you reassure her, support her so she'll have that feeling that it is okay to go forward. I believe she has the desire to be with me, yet now her willingness to go forward has hit a brick wall. I realize I have moved a bit ahead of her in the relationship, so I guess I'll have to pull back. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Same thing happened to me buddy. It seems that the reasons why she broke up with you in the first place have yet to be resolved for her. You need to back off and move on unfortunately since it is going to take a big toll on you if it hasnt already. Let her know you care (although i am sure she knows it by now) and do NC. She needs space from you and realistically has to live life herself to find out what she wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sailynn Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 You have hit the nail on the head. The other night, she said that when she broke up with me, which was an apocalyptic breakup for me, she was hurt that I disappeared. That was NC at work. When a woman breaks it off, saying she doesn't love you, doesn't want to be friends, the way I see it, the only you can do is go away and have NC with that person. I had to call her on this. I told her that my going away was not about trying to hurt her, but a gift to myself. It was a hard thing to go through, but I did it. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Sailynn, That is just her excuse to you. The real reason is that she still is not sold on the idea of being with you and does not want to make a commitment at this point that she knows she can't keep. Saying they need space one time is hard enough, having them indicate that they need it again is telling of what would happen if you guys ever became serious again. I had to go NC with my ex for a second time and have been for the last three months and will continue it and move on in life. You need to do the same. Relationships are hard enough when two people want to be together, they are virtually impossible if one is hesitant and you have to do all the work. Good luck yet nip it in the bud here. You tried and it didn't work. Move on or next year you will be writing the same things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sailynn Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 Your words deliver the harsh reality of this situation. Of course it is an excuse. She is trying to find a reason to justify her dissolution of the relationship and she is finding a hard time. Being in a relationship with me challenges her in ways she seems not willing to accept. I have no doubt she still finds me interesting, romantic, attractive, sexy and a good partner. However, she feels she cannot deliver her portion of the goods. She is indeed hesitant and not willing to take the next step. She has told me that she is comtemplating and has something to tell me, but it's just not time yet or she's not just not there yet. She told me she is not against being more than friends, but she is really struggling. It's sad that I have to release her once again. I have had a hard time getting her out of my heart. I'm a good man and I hope to find another love, one day. Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Sailynn, Tell me about it. I am still hurting lots and think about my ex everyday. It is excrutiating! I too know that they care for us and think we are great partners yet for one mental reason or another they have their heart blocked from opening up again. The thing to watch out for is that they will have a tough time seperating from you. They have a great time while with you and why would they want to give that up while their are no expectations placed upon them. I presume what she wants to tell you that it isnt the right time for her yet and it was too soon for her. Even if she surprises you and says lets go for it....beware that actions speak louder than words. Her actions dictate that she is hesitant and that will not change while you are in the picture. Best of luck and keep writing. It is therapeautic for me too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sailynn Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 She and I have been running a couple days a week for the past couple of months. On Monday, she just up and stated, "well, we'll just skip this week", without any explanation. One minute she tells me I'm indespensible and the next moment, I seem to be of no consequence to her whatsoever. Your words have spoken directly too me today and I appreciate it. It's tough to love someone and that love not be returned. However, it is excruciating when you know they care for you, yet they allow fear to occupy them instead of love. "Wherever fear resides, love cannot" Link to post Share on other sites
upsetnhurt Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Sailynn, The one thing we both need to realize is that these issues are one's that lay within the minds of our ex's. We can't be their saviors in this case and they need to resolve them on their own. Why should they resolve them when they are still getting what they want. In your case it appears that she can get the benefits of a gf without have to recipricate the benefits to you. You need to walk away and be the one who decides this for both of you. Don't let her have the power again by being the one to make all the decisions. That has been my problem. I would have done anything and put up with lots from my ex, moreso than most guys. I should have knipped it in the bud and been the one to tell her that its over. It hurts me knowing that I thought I was doing a better thing by being a doormat. Don't do it as it willl only cause additional hurt. You have a lot of care for this girl I am sure and you need time to let it go........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sailynn Posted November 3, 2005 Author Share Posted November 3, 2005 ...and we talked about these issues from the past. I have to say we did a right good job. I asked her a lot of open-ended questions and asked her to place herself in my shoes and me in hers. I literally laid it on the line, saying that it was important that she understand me and I her, or that this was not going to work and we need to have separate paths. We talked about the power, control, leading and following. I am happy to report, that it worked, or at least seemed to. I believe her to be sincere. The reverse role-playing seemed to work, for both of us. She knows I will not be a doormat. She knows I care for her, deeply. I know she wants to be cared for and I've discovered she wants to grow, evolve and remain together. I also learned we are both willing, to address the issue, no matter how difficult, emotional or remarkable. She made that commitment to me and I too her. I think that's a big thing to have accomplished what we did last night. You know, I could walk away or go after her big time, yet, I have to recognize that there really is something remarkable at work here and I'm at a loss to explain it. It's happening remarkably. It's like it's on automatic, maybe even providential. I'll keep a weather eye open. (I'm a sailor, hence the term) Link to post Share on other sites
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