She said she want to be friends. Has a boyfriend.

[toughlove1993]

So about a year ago I (25M) dated her (20F) from work and it only lasted about 1 week. In that week we went on 3 dates, in the end she broke it off and said "it's just too much" and things did not end on very good terms tbh. She had a lot going on in her life and suffers from depression, anxiety and trust issues as she was abused in the past. I tend to be quite caring and I feel like she found it hard to to see me as genuine. At that time she offered me friendship and I rejected it saying I want more than friendship. We went a year without talking and one day few months ago she asked to call me to speak to me about something work related. On new years day this year I sent her a message wishing her a happy new year and she replied likewise on the following Tuesday (2 weeks ago) I got a voice message from her Whastapp but it was her friend rather than her. Her friend said they just wanted to see how I was doing and if I was married etc and that the girl I dated said " Oh I miss him" and she wanted to be "besties" with me. Since then we've been having general chit chat on whatsapp. I assumed she wanted to talk with me again but was shy to initiate it herself so got her friend to start it off.

Last Tuesday I asked her out and it turns out she has a boyfriend:

This is how to conversation went:

Her: I do have a boyfriend

Me: I am sorry I did not know, I wish you all the best.

Her: Thank you, I am still more than happy to be friends. Are we good?

Me: I am looking for something more than friendship, but yeah we're good.

Her: I didn't think you'd still be interested in me.

Me: I just wanted to see how you feel about me

Her: I gained alot of weight anyway lol

Me: That's not something that bothers me.

She then changed topics. That night she tried to call me, but I missed her call and I called her the day after to see what she wanted and she said she just wanted to chat.

Since then we have been messaging back and forth. I tried to cut back contact by leaving messaged without questions so that way she does not need to respond, but she ends up messaging me again in a 1-2 days. The messaged are just general, she texsts me about her new dog etc.

Before we dated last year, we were never friend and I did not even know her and I have told her twice now I want to be more than friends. I am someone that likes to be there for people, but I don't want to be stuck in the friendzone. I just find it a little strange that she is messaging me etc given she has a boyfriend when she knows what I really want. Why this seeming insistence to want to be friends? Am I reading too much into this?

From what I know she has been with the guy for a year and I don't get the sense there is an issue between them. So why is she pursuing me as a "friend"? How should I go about this?

[Alpacalia]

14 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

At that time she offered me friendship and I rejected it saying I want more than friendship.

The right thing for her to do is to respect your feelings and step back from trying to be friends.

But she's not.

It’s not fair to you, or her current boyfriend.

Stand your ground and learn to move on with life or be subjected to the inevitable drama and heartache that will inevitably come your way.

[toughlove1993]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

The right thing for her to do is to respect your feelings and step back from trying to be friends.

But she's not.

It’s not fair to you, or her current boyfriend.

Stand your ground and learn to move on with life or be subjected to the inevitable drama and heartache that will inevitably come your way.

Hi there,

Thank you for your comment. From your perspective, what do you feel she is after? I mean is this really about friendship? But like you said she should have backed off when she knew what my intentions are. I just find it odd that after a whole year she makes the "I miss him", "I want to be besties"  comment through her friend despite the fact we were never friends and I had never told her I wanted to be. 

I tried to back off, for example on Wednesday night my last message to her was just a smiley face, she saw (blue ticked appeared on Whastapp) it on Friday and did not reply. I thought that was it and she would stop replying but yesterday she replied saying "Hi" with an emojee. In other words she is initiating contact. 

I am honestly so confused. 

Edited January 22, 2023 by toughlove1993

[Alpacalia]

29 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Hi there,

Thank you for your comment. From your perspective, what do you feel she is after? I mean is this really about friendship? But like you said she should have backed off when she knew what my intentions are. I just find it odd that after a whole year she makes the "I miss him", "I want to be besties"  comment through her friend despite the fact we were never friends and I had never told her I wanted to be. 

I tried to back off, for example on Wednesday night my last message to her was just a smiley face, she saw (blue ticked appeared on Whastapp) it on Friday and did not reply. I thought that was it and she would stop replying but yesterday she replied saying "Hi" with an emojee. In other words she is initiating contact. 

I am honestly so confused. 

Sure!

Maybe she just misses your presence. It's easier for her. It keeps you as her emotional blanket. She feels less guilty about breaking your heart. For if the next one doesn't work, she has you. Because of so many things... 

Although you know she is with someone else, wanting her back signals your need for her. And she can smell your weak point. Regardless of how kind a person she is (or that you think she is), your ambivalent feelings towards her raise a big red flag, and she will milk it, knowingly or unknowingly.

The difference between you and her is that you are stuck in the same old relationship, while she has moved on to someone else.

So what should you do?

Remove her contact details, delete her emails, trash her photos, get a new haircut, join a gym, learn guitar, salsa, or whatever you can to keep her off your mind. Keep your mind and body healthy. It's all about you now. Until then, it will be impossible to attract new love into your life.

Irrespective of "why". Friends won't suffice. No one should ever risk losing you. Chooses you. Who fights for you. Who loves you for the long haul.

Walk away with your head held high. There is a "friend" out there who will never let you go.

Take care.

Edited January 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[toughlove1993]

19 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Sure!

Maybe she just misses your presence. It's easier for her. It keeps you as her emotional blanket. She feels less guilty about breaking your heart. For if the next one doesn't work, she has you. Because of so many things... 

Although you know she is with someone else, wanting her back signals your need for her. And she can smell your weak point. Regardless of how kind a person she is (or that you think she is), your ambivalent feelings towards her raise a big red flag, and she will milk it, knowingly or unknowingly.

The difference between you and her is that you are stuck in the same old relationship, while she has moved on to someone else.

So what should you do?

Remove her contact details, delete her emails, trash her photos, get a new haircut, join a gym, learn guitar, salsa, or whatever you can to keep her off your mind. Keep your mind and body healthy. It's all about you now. Until then, it will be impossible to attract new love into your life.

Irrespective of "why". Friends won't suffice. No one should ever risk losing you. Chooses you. Who fights for you. Who loves you for the long haul.

Walk away with your head held high. There is a "friend" out there who will never let you go.

Take care.

Thank you!

I had gotten over her almost completely, it's just her re-emergence reignited something.  We both work in a healthcare setting and I work in a clinic as well. Before I asked her out on Tuesday and knew she had a boyfriend I had offered her to come sit in my clinic one day to gain experience and she was very excited. The day I asked her out and found out she has a boyfriend she said "does that mean you don't want me to come to the clinic now too" and I foolishly (to be nice) said "Don't be silly, I still want to see you". What's weird is she still wants to come despite knowing I want to date her. 

I am looking for other people to date, I am not waiting around her. I just wanted to know what she was after and if this is truly about about being "friends". I don't know why I have a soft spot for her. In my past few messages I've sent her a few winks etc just to be a little flirty and see how she will reply, if I feel she is sticking to this friendship nonsense I will say something " I need you to know I can never see you as just a friend, I am romantically interested in you, if you are not ready for this then if things don't work out with your current boyfriend then get in touch with me". 

I don't want to be her emotional pillow and I don't want to ruin her current relationship. If her relationship with her current partner is not giving her what she needs then she should leave him. Otherwise I don't want to be in a situation where he is sleeping with her and getting her love and everything else she lacks from him she gets from me. I won't let that happen.

[glows]

Reads to me she is just friendly, period. Nothing to do with any feelings for you. I’m sorry about that. 

Her friend messaging you is weird and sus. Ignore. Don’t bother with hearsay or someone speaking on behalf of another. 

If you choose to be friends you’ll have to put a cork on your feelings. She is not interested. 

[toughlove1993]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

Reads to me she is just friendly, period. Nothing to do with any feelings for you. I’m sorry about that. 

Her friend messaging you is weird and sus. Ignore. Don’t bother with hearsay or someone speaking on behalf of another. 

If you choose to be friends you’ll have to put a cork on your feelings. She is not interested. 

Hi, thank you for commenting.

Assume the girl I dated was called Becky. Her friend used Becky's phone to contact me on Becky's whatsapp saying "Hey I have just stolen Becky's phone to send you this message" "Becky said ohh I miss him" and "I want to be besties with him. those are her words not mine". Becky was obviously too shy to send it herself. When I replied to the text, within 1 minute Becky replied so she was following the conversation. 

I see what you mean, but being friendly seems odd to me. We did not speak for a year. We dated for 1 week, at the time she stopped dating me I told her I don't want to be friends and even said the same last week. She clearly knows I want more than friendship, yet she is still initiating contact. We went 2 days without talking and she restarted messaging, so it's clear she wants to be in touch.  I have given her no reason to get back in touch to be friends. I just find it so strange. My gut feeling just tells me she misses me (she said that herself) and maybe conflicted in her current relationship, but obviously I can't be sure. 

Why be friends with someone who clearly likes you when you have a boyfriend anyway? Surely she should have backed off? It's not like we were best friends or anything.

Edited January 22, 2023 by toughlove1993

[glows]

No one here can tell you what she feels or thinks. Pause for a second and realize you’re grasping at straws here, breadcrumbs. It means absolutely nothing wanting to stay in touch. If she’s not willing to go out with you romantically, she’s not interested. In this case she has a boyfriend. 

I’d class this as a case of tremendously poor boundaries and a very juvenile and careless approach to treating others. Think very carefully whether this is someone you’re still interested in. Anything she does while in a relationship appearing shady to you can also be done to you if you were dating her. Flip things around and look at it from other angles.

[toughlove1993]

8 minutes ago, glows said:

No one here can tell you what she feels or thinks. Pause for a second and realize you’re grasping at straws here, breadcrumbs. It means absolutely nothing wanting to stay in touch. If she’s not willing to go out with you romantically, she’s not interested. In this case she has a boyfriend. 

I’d class this as a case of tremendously poor boundaries and a very juvenile and careless approach to treating others. Think very carefully whether this is someone you’re still interested in. Anything she does while in a relationship appearing shady to you can also be done to you if you were dating her. Flip things around and look at it from other angles.

Yes you're right. I am most probably inserting my own desires into this. If she is not happy with her current bf and want to leave him then obviously that will change things. I have no interest in something purely platonic. I mean I thought I made that clear enough to her. How do you think I should go about this? I don't want to blocker her, but I don't want to want to keep things purely platonic, obviously within boundaries as I will not ever allow any form of cheating. For example I send winks etc in my message to be a little flirty to see how she responds. If I feel she truly only sees me as a friend and not a potential partner in the future, then I'll have cut contact again. What's your advise? 

Edited January 22, 2023 by toughlove1993

[glows]

I think it’s a bad idea. Not only are you putting your life on hold for someone unavailable, you are also showing disrespect and poor boundaries towards someone else’s relationship. The problem is hugely you not respecting that she has a boyfriend. 

If she doesn’t have good boundaries, then it falls on you to do the appropriate thing and distance yourself. Reply the next week or the next month. Don’t respond to kneejerk reactions needing to respond to her at all either. 

I think you ought to pause and really think about what you’re doing with your life and why you’re getting hung up over a woman who is dating someone else.

[helloladies21]

Without being confrontational about, confront her. You obviously still have feelings for her, so friendship with her is out. You let her know that you don't see her as a friend and you're not interested in her, but your conversation with her left me with the impression that you're ok being friends with her by saying this:

2 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

Me: I am looking for something more than friendship, but yeah we're good.

You have to reverse the "but yeah we're good" and complete the conversation. Something like. "I'm not interested in friendship with you. If you're interested in dating, let me know and we can talk, but in the meantime, keep out of touch."

This is your life and it's up to you to stick up for yourself and what you want. Don't accept only what she's willing to give you. Don't let anyone waste your time.

[Alpacalia]

Agree.

toughlove1993, you are pursuing your contact with her as much as, if not more, than she is pursuing contact with you.

[toughlove1993]

3 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Without being confrontational about, confront her. You obviously still have feelings for her, so friendship with her is out. You let her know that you don't see her as a friend and you're not interested in her, but your conversation with her left me with the impression that you're ok being friends with her by saying this:

You have to reverse the "but yeah we're good" and complete the conversation. Something like. "I'm not interested in friendship with you. If you're interested in dating, let me know and we can talk, but in the meantime, keep out of touch."

This is your life and it's up to you to stick up for yourself and what you want. Don't accept only what she's willing to give you. Don't let anyone waste your time.

That quote you wrote, I told her something similar last year! That's why her getting back in touch gave my the idea she wants to be more than friends. By the "yeah we're good" I thought I was just being nice. I assumed she would realise if a guy just asked you out, then he's obviously not going to see you as just a friend. 

In my messages to her, I am being a little flirty by sending winks by obviously remaining within boundaries. I won't accept any form of cheating. If I feel like she has no romantic interest in the next week, I will write "I have been thinking and I need to tell you that I can't just see you as a friend. I have romantic interests in you and you're obviously with someone so that's can't work right now. If you are interested and things don't work out between you then get in touch with me".

What do you think?

[toughlove1993]

7 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Agree.

toughlove1993, you are pursuing your contact with her as much as, if not more, than she is pursuing contact with you.

 

If she did not get back in touch with me, I would 100% never message her again. I genuinely thoughts she would not message again after my last message to her on Wednesday but she reinitiated contact. I get the feeling she is a little lonely and want me in her life? the issue is I can't let her have her boyfriend and me at the same time. I just feel terrible if I blank her, almost like abandoning her  but I can't just be a male friend to her either. That's why this is hard for me. I don't like making people sad but at the same time I can't go through this.

Edited January 22, 2023 by toughlove1993

[helloladies21]

8 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I assumed she would realise if a guy just asked you out, then he's obviously not going to see you as just a friend.

Don't make these types of assumptions. Make your position explicitly clear. You haven't done that.

[toughlove1993]

3 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Don't make these types of assumptions. Make your position explicitly clear. You haven't done that.

So shall I just send her that message? or should I give her more time? I'd feel terrible if I make her feel sad but I know it has to be done. She seems to want me in her life.

Edited January 22, 2023 by toughlove1993

[Alpacalia]

3 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

 

If she did not get back in touch with me, I would 100% never message her again. I genuinely thoughts she would not message again after my last message to her on Wednesday but she reinitiated contact. I get the feeling she is a little lonely and want me in her life? the issue is I can't let her have her boyfriend and me at the same time. I just feel terrible if I blank her, almost like abandoning her  but I can't just be a male friend to her either. That's why this is hard for me. I don't like making people sad but at the same time I can't go through this.

There is no abandonment on your part. A boyfriend is in her life. She has family and friends.

It all sounds silly. That her friend contacted you on her behalf. 

It really isn't her or her friend's business to ask you if you are married or dating since it's nobody's business what you are doing.

Winky faces and flirting must stop.

[toughlove1993]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

There is no abandonment on your part. A boyfriend is in her life. She has family and friends.

It all sounds silly. That her friend contacted you on her behalf. 

It really isn't her or her friend's business to ask you if you are married or dating since it's nobody's business what you are doing.

Winky faces and flirting must stop.

Thank you. I am very close to sending her a message saying something like "  Hey I have been thinking and I need to tell you that I can't just see you as a friend. I have romantic interests in you and you're obviously with someone so I can't see how that would work right now. If you are interested and things don't work out between you then get in touch with me".

Is that okay? 

[helloladies21]

29 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

So shall I just send her that message? or should I give her more time? I'd feel terrible if I make her feel sad but I know it has to be done. She seems to want me in her life.

Why waste anymore time? Plus, if she's only interested in friendship, you're wasting her time and leading her on. That's not nice. Get to the point.

[toughlove1993]

2 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Why waste anymore time? Plus, if she's only interested in friendship, you're wasting her time and leading her on. That's not nice. Get to the point.

It wont be easy but I am going to send her that message 

[helloladies21]

Just now, toughlove1993 said:

It wont be easy but I am going to send her that message 

Good be strong. You have a whole community here to support you.

[toughlove1993]

10 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Good be strong. You have a whole community here to support you.

 

Thank you.

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Thank you. I am very close to sending her a message saying something like "  Hey I have been thinking and I need to tell you that I can't just see you as a friend. I have romantic interests in you and you're obviously with someone so I can't see how that would work right now. If you are interested and things don't work out between you then get in touch with me".

Is that okay? 

You've already acknowledged that and have said that to her.

What do you think will change by telling her that again?

It's not like she is blissfully unaware of it.

[helloladies21]

6 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

You've already acknowledged that and have said that to her.

What do you think will change by telling her that again?

It's not like she is blissfully unaware of it.

Because he wants to clear up any potential confusion and be able to move on with no doubts. It's not about changing her mind. It's about sticking up for himself.

[toughlove1993]

You are both right. I mean in my mind she is smart enough to know what I want despite my "I am good with that" part of my comment, but I suppose just in case, I need to make it clear again?