She said she want to be friends. Has a boyfriend.

[Alpacalia]

10 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Because he wants to clear up any potential confusion and be able to move on with no doubts. It's not about changing her mind. It's about sticking up for himself.

Alright, alright, I understand.

My friend, you’ve heard the answer multiple times from her but your heart won’t let you listen.

If she wanted to be romantic in the same capacity that you want, she could have communicated that/made the effort already. At this point you’re just dragging out your pain. I know it’s hard, I’ve been there.

I hope whatever you choose to do it will bring you peace of mind.

[helloladies21]

5 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

You are both right. I mean in my mind she is smart enough to know what I want despite my "I am good with that" part of my comment, but I suppose just in case, I need to make it clear again? 

Just do it. And do it now. Waiting creates more anxiety in you. Plus, the exercise of sticking up for yourself will do you good. It's a learning experience.

[toughlove1993]

23 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

Just do it. And do it now. Waiting creates more anxiety in you. Plus, the exercise of sticking up for yourself will do you good. It's a learning experience.

She just sent me a message asking me a question about the university I studied in (she wants to go there). I am going to do it, but I want to do it when it fits. I don't want to come across as a you know what.

[helloladies21]

Just now, toughlove1993 said:

She just sent me a message asking me a question about the university I studied in (she wants to go there). I am going to do it, but I want to do it when it fits. I don't want to come across as a you know what.

It sounds like you're making excuses not to do it. If you're not strong enough yet, admit that. But there is no time in the future that will be better than right now. 

[toughlove1993]

2 minutes ago, helloladies21 said:

It sounds like you're making excuses not to do it. If you're not strong enough yet, admit that. But there is no time in the future that will be better than right now. 

Yes, you are right in that I don't feel ready to do it, but I am setting myself up to do it. I know it needs to be done. 

[Acacia98]

48 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

 I am going to do it, but I want to do it when it fits. I don't want to come across as a you know what.

I find this discussion very interesting because you don't actually have a problem. The "solution" is a very simple one: you've already said everything there is to be said and she's completely ignoring you and doing what she wants anyway (apparently, she's not particularly considerate regarding your feelings or comfort level--so, if we go by your standards, she's kind of coming across as a "you know what").The only option left to you is to simply ignore her.

I get the impression that her little girl act ("She wants to be besties with you!") allows her to get away with problematic stuff like flirting with the idea of cheating on her boyfriend and getting her regular dose of ego-boosting attention from you. I suspect that, like many men, you don't know how to respond when faced with this kind of manipulation by a woman. So you simply give in. Am I right in guessing that if she turned on the waterworks after you refused to do something she wanted, she'd be able to get what she wanted out of you within 10 minutes? 

Also, I have no idea why you would want to date this woman if she broke up with her boyfriend. The fact that she's not respecting the boundaries of her relationship with her boyfriend tells me that she wouldn't respect the boundaries of a relationship with you. 

Edited January 22, 2023 by Acacia98

[toughlove1993]

8 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I find this discussion very interesting because you don't actually have a problem. The "solution" is a very simple one: you've already said everything there is to be said and she's completely ignoring you and doing what she wants anyway (apparently, she's not particularly considerate regarding your feelings or comfort level--so, if we go by your standards, she's kind of coming across as a "you know what").The only option left to you is to simply ignore her.

I get the impression that her little girl act ("She wants to be besties with you!") allows her to get away with problematic stuff like flirting with the idea of cheating on her boyfriend and getting her regular dose of ego-boosting attention from you. I suspect that, like many men, you don't know how to respond when faced with this kind of manipulation by a woman. So you simply give in. Am I right in guessing that if she turned on the waterworks after you refused to do something she wanted, she'd be able to get what she wanted out of you within 10 minutes? 

Also, I have no idea why you would want to date this woman if she broke up with her boyfriend. The fact that she's not respecting the boundaries of her relationship with her boyfriend tells me that she wouldn't respect the boundaries of a relationship with you. 

You are right. And yes if she turned on the water works she probably would get what she wanted. I am going to drop the I have no interests in being friends again. I just asked her what her plans are for next weekend, she has yet to reply. When she replies then I'll ask her to come over to my city for some food etc. Yesterday I was at restaurant and I send her a pic of the food and she said "I am so jealous", I told her "You can come with next time" and she put the smiley face with three love hearts on on that message.

If she says no then I am going to say:

"You know I really like you and I don't think I can just be your friend as I have romantic interest in you. Obviously you're with someone so I can't do much! I think its best you see how things go with your current partner and get in touch with me when you're ready for something more than friendship?"

What do you think?

Edited January 22, 2023 by toughlove1993

[Acacia98]

2 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

You are right. And yes if she turned on the water works she probably would get what she wanted. I am going to drop the I have no interests in being friends again. I just asked her what her plans are for next weekend, she has yet to reply. When she resplies then I'll ask her to come over to my city for some food etc. If she says no then I am going to say:

"You know I really like you and I don't think I can just be your friend as I have romantic interest in you. Obviously you're with someone so I can't do much! I think its best you see how things go with your current partner and get in touch with me when you're ready for something more than friendship?"

What do you think?

I think you're wasting your time repeating yourself to her. You're not going to get different results. I also think that inviting her for lunch is disrespectful of her relationship with her boyfriend. If you continue along these lines, you will soon be firmly in "emotional affair" territory, that is, assuming you aren't already there.

[toughlove1993]

Just now, Acacia98 said:

I think you're wasting your time repeating yourself to her. You're not going to get different results. I also think that inviting her for lunch is disrespectful of her relationship with her boyfriend. If you continue along these lines, you will soon be firmly in "emotional affair" territory, that is, assuming you aren't already there.

Sorry I edited my other post as you were replying so you did not see it. Yesterday I was at restaurant and I send her a pic of the food and she said "I am so jealous", I told her "You can come with next time" and she put the smiley face with three love hearts on that message. I am assuming she has no issue going out to eat with people that's why I was going to make that offer. But I can see what you mean though. I am definitely going to send that message regarding friendship but I am waiting for the opportunity. I am probably being silly and should just send it...

[ExpatInItaly]

This chick sounds like she's 15 years old. 

Don't bother with childish women. You are making yourself look a little desperate in your continued interaction with her. Save the emojis and flirty texts for women who are single and want to date you and only you. 

[toughlove1993]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This chick sounds like she's 15 years old. 

Don't bother with childish women. You are making yourself look a little desperate in your continued interaction with her. Save the emojis and flirty texts for women who are single and want to date you and only you. 

So you feel she is inherently immature at the moment? I did try to drop back but she continued to initiate messages. I suppose at this point I don't have anything to lose so I'll say it one more than that I want to be more than friends. Hopefully this time it will fully sink in to her?

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

So you feel she is inherently immature at the moment?

Yes. 

3 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

Hopefully this time it will fully sink in to her?

It's already sunk in. She's just using you for attention. You're the one it's not sinking in for yet. 

[toughlove1993]

7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes. 

It's already sunk in. She's just using you for attention. You're the one it's not sinking in for yet. 

I don't want to block her or ignore her suddenly, what's the best thing to say to her in your opinion? I can then just stop messaging her once I said it. I was going to just say get back in touch when you want something more than friendship but like you said it seems I'll just be repeating myself at this point.

Edited January 22, 2023 by toughlove1993

[MsJayne]

This girl is just enjoying the attention. Her friend telling you she wants to be "besties" is a good demonstration of how immature she is. She's flirting with you behind her boyfriend's back. What does that tell you about her moral compass? She is treating her boyfriend with complete disregard, he's probably being used as well. Seriously, I think young guys should take classes in reading women, that way they might make better choices. Think of it this way, if she was overweight with chin warts and bad breath, would you tolerate being treated like a fan boy by her?  Don't take crap from women just because they're good looking. 

[toughlove1993]

19 minutes ago, MsJayne said:

This girl is just enjoying the attention. Her friend telling you she wants to be "besties" is a good demonstration of how immature she is. She's flirting with you behind her boyfriend's back. What does that tell you about her moral compass? She is treating her boyfriend with complete disregard, he's probably being used as well. Seriously, I think young guys should take classes in reading women, that way they might make better choices. Think of it this way, if she was overweight with chin warts and bad breath, would you tolerate being treated like a fan boy by her?  Don't take crap from women just because they're good looking. 

Well she said to me "I've gained a lot of weight now anyway" when I asked her out last week. So she's basically saying I won't find her attractive now. She's talking to me like everyday, I am curious where her boyfriend is tbh. He seems really absent, maybe that's why she is seeking me, to comfort her or something?  

[Alpacalia]

After this emotional drilling that you're volunteering for, you'll be able to drive a utility truck up your butt.

You’re not obligated to entertain her and she can’t expect to monopolize your time anymore. “Friends” cuts both ways. She’s got to learn how much that word hurts, too.

Take away the thing she thinks she can still use you for: attention. Don't act like a loyal puppy.

Be a wolf.

If you move on, I doubt your GF would be thrilled if you were still chatting with some woman that you dated for a week.

Think about it from all angles, and make an informed decision.

Remember. She ended things with you a year ago.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I don't want to block her or ignore her suddenly, what's the best thing to say to her in your opinion?

You could say you're seeing someone and you're going to focus on that right now. Then delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Then make it happen. Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting women.  In fact do that now so you can simply say you're busy dating. 

[mark clemson]

She no doubt means well, but by escalating your "friendship" while you are strongly attracted to her, she's inadvertently turning you into an orbiter. This hurts you because it is likely to interfere with you fully emotionally bonding with a new partner. Also a new partner may pick up on your attraction and be put off by this "friendship". So, this causes problems for you.

Not sure this is you, but if you're in a state where you'd drop a new partner "in a heartbeat" if she became available, it really isn't fair to any new partner for you to start up with them.

So, unless you're quite certain you can handle it emotionally, this friendship may be a sort of "trap" and I'd suggest you keep it minimal for your own sake. You can be "friends" who rarely see each other - there's nothing wrong with that and I suspect many if not most folks have at least a few friends like that.

It's easier said than done to "stay friends" and sometimes a clean break really is better.

Edited January 22, 2023 by mark clemson

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

Well she said to me "I've gained a lot of weight now anyway" when I asked her out last week. So she's basically saying I won't find her attractive now. She's talking to me like everyday, I am curious where her boyfriend is tbh. He seems really absent, maybe that's why she is seeking me, to comfort her or something?  

Yes, quite possibly. I’d tread warily, you don’t want to be the rebound guy. 

[Akashsingh]

Heres my hypothesis : 

1. Shes testing you out and shes bored of her boyfriend. Chances are she could be bored of you too in the future. 

2. If a girl is talking and initiating contact on her own means she is interested. 

You could approach it two ways :

1. Be blunt, after a bout of friendship , you can ask her directly, why she wants to be friends despite having a boyfriend. This could spectacularly backfire , she may choose to end friendship if shes not into you or she could confess. You have to do it in polite non threatening way, so that shes not backed into the corner. 

2. Go with the flow and be subtle, keep light flirting, let her lead and let her make the moves. OR subtly reduce contact and give her a chance to miss you.  This process would take longer than the above can could mean more time wasted. 

I think you have to give this a fair shot.

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I am curious where her boyfriend is tbh. He seems really absent, maybe that's why she is seeking me, to comfort her or something?  

Or maybe he doesn't exist and she's using that as an excuse to dodge your date invitations. She seems like the juvenile type to behave that way. 

Even if he's real, it doesn't matter where he is. The point is that she is not available to you and you are showing her you will be Emotional Support Fallback Boy when it suits her. We ladies don't usually wind up dating men like this, just to make you aware. You are who she uses for attention but not someone she wants to date. 

[JTSW]

 

18 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

If she is not happy with her current bf and want to leave him then obviously that will change things. I have no interest in something purely platonic. I mean I thought I made that clear enough to her. How do you think I should go about this? I don't want to blocker her, but I don't want to want to keep things purely platonic, obviously within boundaries as I will not ever allow any form of cheating. For example I send winks etc in my message to be a little flirty to see how she responds. If I feel she truly only sees me as a friend and not a potential partner in the future, then I'll have cut contact again. What's your advise? 

What I get from all of this is that are feeling bitter that she ended it with you.

Yes, you really like her but she doesn't feel the same.

Stop flirting because that's inappropriate behaviour when she has a boyfriend.

She hasn't done anything wrong, she sounds like a very friendly girl.

She doesn't want to lose you as a friend but obviously she can't control that. 

If she ever leaves her boyfriend then things still wont change because that's not what she wants.

You just need to accept that this will never be what you want.

You have to accept that she doesn't want a relationship with you.

You need to let go and cut contact for good. 

Block everywhere and move on.

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I was going to just say get back in touch when you want something more than friendship

This is never going to happen because she will never want more than friendship.

13 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I am curious where her boyfriend is tbh. He seems really absent, maybe that's why she is seeking me, to comfort her or something?  

No. You have just concocted this notion in your mind.

14 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I'll say it one more than that I want to be more than friends. Hopefully this time it will fully sink in to her?

No. It wont. 

Dude, you are clutching at straws here.

Your mind can't accept that she is not romantically interested you.

No matter how many times we all tell you this, it's just not sinking in with you.

You are seeing things they way you want to see them and not the way they really are.

It's time to let this go.

She doesn't want you.

Edited January 23, 2023 by JTSW

[toughlove1993]

2 hours ago, JTSW said:

 

What I get from all of this is that are feeling bitter that she ended it with you.

Yes, you really like her but she doesn't feel the same.

Stop flirting because that's inappropriate behaviour when she has a boyfriend.

She hasn't done anything wrong, she sounds like a very friendly girl.

She doesn't want to lose you as a friend but obviously she can't control that. 

If she ever leaves her boyfriend then things still wont change because that's not what she wants.

You just need to accept that this will never be what you want.

You have to accept that she doesn't want a relationship with you.

You need to let go and cut contact for good. 

Block everywhere and move on.

No, I am not bitter. For over a year I cut back all contact but she got back I touch. I have made it clear twice  I am romantically interested  yet she still carries in messaging me daily and even initiates contact when I cut back. 

I’d understand being friends if that was what I offered but I did not. Surely she should realise maybe she should back off? Being “friendly” is no excuse for this. I should not have to block someone. 
 

I am not ignoring your advise, but I am sure you understand this is not easy for me…

 

[toughlove1993]

I am just in work at the moment guys, I will respond to you all when I finish. Thank you : )

Edited January 23, 2023 by toughlove1993