She said she want to be friends. Has a boyfriend.

[JTSW]

11 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

No, I am not bitter. For over a year I cut back all contact but she got back I touch. I have made it clear twice  I am romantically interested  yet she still carries in messaging me daily and even initiates contact when I cut back. 

I’d understand being friends if that was what I offered but I did not. Surely she should realise maybe she should back off? Being “friendly” is no excuse for this. I should not have to block someone. 
 

I am not ignoring your advise, but I am sure you understand this is not easy for me…

 

I do understand but I can also see that you do NOT understand.

Its obvious you want her to contact you because you are hoping she will say she wants to be with you (this is why you won't block her).

I'm sorry but that's not going to happen. 

She's hoping for friendship, that's why she gives it time in hopes that your feelings may subside and you can be her friend.

Do you want this to be easier for you? Then take the advice and block her from contacting you.

Your comment in bold shows you are indeed bitter.

 

Edited January 23, 2023 by JTSW

[glows]

10 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I’d understand being friends if that was what I offered but I did not. Surely she should realise maybe she should back off? Being “friendly” is no excuse for this. I should not have to block someone. 

In an ideal world, yes. This is a lesson in being less naive and expecting everyone to behave exactly as you think they should. The fact is you believe she should act one way and she’s doing what she wants in another way. 

Since she has a boyfriend you might want to think about why you’re the one here orbiting this woman and not focusing on dating other women. 

[toughlove1993]

9 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I do understand but I can also see that you do NOT understand.

Its obvious you want her to contact you because you are hoping she will say she wants to be with you (this is why you won't block her).

I'm sorry but that's not going to happen. 

She's hoping for friendship, that's why she gives it time in hopes that your feelings may subside and you can be her friend.

Do you want this to be easier for you? Then take the advice and block her from contacting you.

Your comment in bold shows you are indeed bitter.

 

I don’t understand why you’re being aggressive? Just because I don’t accept your views fully it does not mean I am bitter and that you should reply to me in this way. As you can see people in this thread have other views than you as well. I am here to get help and advise, so please be gentle?

I don’t want to delude myself, I mean if friendship is indeed all she wants then I will of course have no choice but to move on. I (and other people) just think this behaviour is strange. Like I said I don’t just want to be friends, made it clear yet she persists. She needs to also think about my feelings and not just what she wants, which is why I think she should have backed off! 
 

I am setting myself up to tell her one more time I can’t see her as just a friend but I don’t feel ready just yet. That fact she keeps messaging me every hour does not help.

 

 

Edited January 23, 2023 by toughlove1993

[JTSW]

17 minutes ago, glows said:

The fact is you believe she should act one way and she’s doing what she wants in another way. 

This is exactly it @glows. You're right on the money.

 

Edited January 23, 2023 by JTSW

[toughlove1993]

6 minutes ago, glows said:

In an ideal world, yes. This is a lesson in being less naive and expecting everyone to behave exactly as you think they should. The fact is you believe she should act one way and she’s doing what she wants in another way. 

Since she has a boyfriend you might want to think about why you’re the one here orbiting this woman and not focusing on dating other women. 

I have decided I will tell her I can’t see her as a friend. I just need to do it get it over with but every time I go to message I end up replying to her messages and  don’t do it : (

[JTSW]

4 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I don’t understand why you’re being aggressive?

I sincerely apologise if I come off that way. It's not my intention at all. I'm sorry

I just feel that you are wasting your time on this girl when she has a boyfriend. 

5 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I am setting myself up to tell her one more time I can’t see her as just a friend but I don’t feel ready just yet. That fact she keeps messaging me every hour does not help.

But why should you have to tell her that AGAIN? 

You have told her this numerous times and she has clarified that she just wants friendship.

Honestly hun, we advise to block her so she cannot contact you and you can clear you mind and move on.

It's the only way this will stop, and you know it.

She is not going to magically change her mind.

[Alpacalia]

Try thinking about it this way.

There is a good chance she would have broken up with her BF and told you she liked you instead if she liked you.

If you really care about her, let her stay in the relationship that she is in now. If she’s unhappy then she will break up with him over time.

The question is what would happen if she's really happy and you decide to talk to her about your feelings for her? Then what is the next step? Can you imagine her skipping over to you in a flash?

Your heart has fallen for someone who isn't available to you, but you still want to be with them. Congratulations! Welcome to being an adult human being. It happens to most of us and it will probably happen to you more than once.

How well you accept it and move on is one of those things that will define you. It is natural for people to have feelings about all kinds of things all of the time. So what? Feelings, even strong feelings, do not require action. Feelings need not control you. It's okay to feel and still make decisions.

[toughlove1993]

25 minutes ago, JTSW said:

I sincerely apologise if I come off that way. It's not my intention at all. I'm sorry /cdn-cgi/mirage/9f285991a22adb597d553b9824cc63349833dc5d7cbfc9be144b1e962e7b9149/1280/https://www.loveshack.org/content/emoticons/frown.gif.6f59bb5cbffb2e0197298865ef01fbd0.gif

I just feel that you are wasting your time on this girl when she has a boyfriend. 

But why should you have to tell her that AGAIN? 

You have told her this numerous times and she has clarified that she just wants friendship.

Honestly hun, we advise to block her so she cannot contact you and you can clear you mind and move on.

It's the only way this will stop, and you know it.

She is not going to magically change her mind.

I am very sorry  I know you are trying to help, thank you.

it’s difficult for me to put it into words but this whole thing just feels weird. She is being too insistent to be friend despite knowing I like her. I can’t put my fingers on it but it’s just weird. It’s not like we were friends before we dated. 
 

I am 99% sure you are right and she probably has no romantic interest in her head for me. I need to finish this. I went through the pain last year, I don’t want to go through it again. 

Edited January 23, 2023 by toughlove1993

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I am very sorry  I know you are trying to help, thank you.

it’s difficult for me to put it into words but this whole thing just feels weird. She is being too insistent to be friend despite knowing I like her. I can’t put my fingers on it but it’s just weird. It’s not like we were friends before we dated. 
 

I am 99% sure you are right and she probably has no romantic interest in her head for me. I need to finish this. I went through the pain last year, I don’t want to go through it again. 

You don't have to apologise.

I do understand that she is making it harder for you.

She must know this hurts you but at the same is time desperate to be your friend.

I honestly think blocking her from contacting you will put it in perspective for her and hopefully make her realise you are serious by what you say.

[toughlove1993]

8 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You don't have to apologise.

I do understand that she is making it harder for you.

She must know this hurts you but at the same is time desperate to be your friend.

I honestly think blocking her from contacting you will put it in perspective for her and hopefully make her realise you are serious by what you say.

Why do you feel she would be insistent to want me as a friend despite knowing I have romantic feelings for her? 

[toughlove1993]

38 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Try thinking about it this way.

There is a good chance she would have broken up with her BF and told you she liked you instead if she liked you.

If you really care about her, let her stay in the relationship that she is in now. If she’s unhappy then she will break up with him over time.

The question is what would happen if she's really happy and you decide to talk to her about your feelings for her? Then what is the next step? Can you imagine her skipping over to you in a flash?

Your heart has fallen for someone who isn't available to you, but you still want to be with them. Congratulations! Welcome to being an adult human being. It happens to most of us and it will probably happen to you more than once.

How well you accept it and move on is one of those things that will define you. It is natural for people to have feelings about all kinds of things all of the time. So what? Feelings, even strong feelings, do not require action. Feelings need not control you. It's okay to feel and still make decisions.

I have no idea what’s happening in her relation and it’s not really any of my business. She seems to text me quite a bit though, maybe she is lacking someone in her life to get this comfort that she seems to get from me? I don’t want to ruin her relationship which is why this situation needs to sorted out asap. I know I can never see her as a just a friend. 

[Alpacalia]

6 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I have no idea what’s happening in her relation and it’s not really any of my business. She seems to text me quite a bit though, maybe she is lacking someone in her life to get this comfort that she seems to get from me? I don’t want to ruin her relationship which is why this situation needs to sorted out asap. I know I can never see her as a just a friend. 

She's texting you because you allow it.

How does knowing that she has someone else in her life not hurt you while the two of you chit chat back and forth each day? My heart sank when I learned someone that I had briefly dated was dating someone else. My life needed to be free of him. It's the only way. He's married, I'm happy for him (it stung when I first learned of it though)!

I am trying to convey to you that if you care for someone and want to continue doing so, you don't need to worry about anything else than the person's happiness.

Don't attach your happiness to it, after all, happiness is a choice. Enjoy your life the way you want, live your life happily, take whatever decisions you want, just be yourself, all else will fall into place.

[toughlove1993]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

She's texting you because you allow it.

How does knowing that she has someone else in her life not hurt you while the two of you chit chat back and forth each day? My heart sank when I learned someone that I had briefly dated was dating someone else. My life needed to be free of him. It's the only way. He's married, I'm happy for him (it stung when I first learned of it though)!

I am trying to convey to you that if you care for someone and want to continue doing so, you don't need to worry about anything else than the person's happiness.

Don't attach your happiness to it, after all, happiness is a choice. Enjoy your life the way you want, live your life happily, take whatever decisions you want, just be yourself, all else will fall into place.

It does hurt. Maybe it’s because I naively believe something will come out of it. But of course it’s now sinking in that I am just chasing a fantasy. The strangeness of the situation made me feel that maybe she is interested but I am coming back to reality. The good news I know this will not go on for much longer. I can’t do it right now but I know I will in the coming days just for one last time make it clear to her this is not going to work. I will move on like I did last year.

[toughlove1993]

1 hour ago, JuanCamaney1 said:

You and this girl want different things. Your best path forward is blocking her from everywhere and move on. 

I don’t want to block her, I mean I should not have to. I’ll just simply stop messaging her and I hope she will as well once I say again that I don’t want to be just friends. I mean it’s quite simple, we both need to be okay with what we will be. Either she is happy to be romantically involved with me or I’ll disappear from her life. Obviously she has a boyfriend so I’ll have to walk away until she becomes single, by which time is probably be with someone anyway.

Edited January 23, 2023 by toughlove1993

[ExpatInItaly]

32 minutes ago, toughlove1993 said:

I don’t want to block her, I mean I should not have to

Why not? She doesn't care much about your feelings or she wouldn't be doing this to begin with. 

And she isn't trying to be your friend. She is just expanding her fan club. You need to learn to identify the difference. 

[toughlove1993]

1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Why not? She doesn't care much about your feelings or she wouldn't be doing this to begin with. 

And she isn't trying to be your friend. She is just expanding her fan club. You need to learn to identify the difference. 

It’s not just her, I just don’t tend to block people. I think if I make it clear we can’t go anywhere as things stand then she’ll stop messaging me.

it makes me sad that she does not care about my feelings like you said. But I feel you are right because she would be not be perusing this otherwise. I am 29, I need someone who wants to be with me. I should not have to be playing these games. 

Edited January 23, 2023 by toughlove1993

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

Why do you feel she would be insistent to want me as a friend despite knowing I have romantic feelings for her? 

It might be that she wants the attention. Perhaps she's not feeling very good about herself due to her weight gain (or other reasons), and attention from men plays a role in her self-esteem (not uncommon with young women).

[toughlove1993]

47 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It might be that she wants the attention. Perhaps she's not feeling very good about herself due to her weight gain (or other reasons), and attention from men plays a role in her self-esteem (not uncommon with young women).

Could be yes. I also find it weird how even though we only dated for 1 week and things did not exactly end on good terms 1 year later she would say "I miss him". Bare in mind before I dated her I did not know her. The whole thing is just so weird to me.

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

It does hurt. Maybe it’s because I naively believe something will come out of it. But of course it’s now sinking in that I am just chasing a fantasy. The strangeness of the situation made me feel that maybe she is interested but I am coming back to reality. The good news I know this will not go on for much longer. I can’t do it right now but I know I will in the coming days just for one last time make it clear to her this is not going to work. I will move on like I did last year.

Facts toughlove1993.

She chose to stop dating you after one week.

You in turn told her that you are romantically interested in her and can't be friends.

She contacts you a year later.

You ask her out.

She says no, she has a boyfriend and only wants to be friends.

You inquired and she indicated that she does not have a romantic interest in you and that she is just being friendly, then you need to respect that decision.

The idea of "giving up," as if you are failing at something, might seem like the wrong thing to do. However, that perspective that giving up is the same as losing is not necessarily correct. 

It's okay to abandon the interests and desires that do not positively serve you.

 

[toughlove1993]

44 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Facts toughlove1993.

She chose to stop dating you after one week.

You in turn told her that you are romantically interested in her and can't be friends.

She contacts you a year later.

You ask her out.

She says no, she has a boyfriend and only wants to be friends.

You inquired and she indicated that she does not have a romantic interest in you and that she is just being friendly, then you need to respect that decision.

The idea of "giving up," as if you are failing at something, might seem like the wrong thing to do. However, that perspective that giving up is the same as losing is not necessarily correct. 

It's okay to abandon the interests and desires that do not positively serve you.

 

I have not really inquired since last week when she said "I am more than happy to be friends are we good?" and I replied " I am looking for something more than friendship, but we're good". Yesterday I asked her what she is doing next weekend, she said she is going to see her dad and then she asked me what I am doing. I told her I am going out on Sunday to eat in the city and that she is welcome to join, she replied "I'll keep you updated with what's happening with my dad *smiley face*". 

I asked her that because I thought she'd say no and then I could drop the "I can't just be your friend" talk but to my surprise she seems open to meeting...

Honestly thank you so much, since yesterday your words have helped me so much to see the reality. I am not there yet, but soon I'll be wide awake and I'll have passed this chapter of my life. I like her, but I can't be her male friend. It's either boyfriend or nothing.

Edited January 23, 2023 by toughlove1993

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I have not really inquired since last week when she said "I am more than happy to be friends are we good?" and I replied " I am looking for something more than friendship, but we're good". Yesterday I asked her what she is doing next weekend, she said she is going to see her dad and then she asked me what I am doing. I told her I am going out on Sunday to eat in the city and that she is welcome to join, she replied "I'll keep you updated with what's happening with my dad *smiley face*". 

I asked her that because I thought she'd say no and then I could drop the "I can't just be your friend" talk but to my surprise she seems open to meeting...

Honestly thank you so much, since yesterday your words have helped me so much to see the reality. I am not there yet, but soon I'll be wide awake and I'll have passed this chapter of my life. I like her, but I can't be her male friend. It's either boyfriend or nothing.

Of course, no problem.

I know this is hard for you.

Like I said, I've been in your shoes and I have also been on the receiving end with a male friend of 15 or so years.

There may come a point when your feelings for her may be so strong that you cannot respect her wishes while being her friend without abandoning yourself completely. Also, maintaining your friendship with her may make it difficult for you to maintain meaningful relationships with other people, and that's not in anyone's best interest.

You know yourself best, so do what you have to do to get over this. 

Fare thee well!

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

Why do you feel she would be insistent to want me as a friend despite knowing I have romantic feelings for her? 

Because you're a good guy and she cares about you as a friend.

16 hours ago, toughlove1993 said:

I don’t want to block her, I mean I should not have to. I’ll just simply stop messaging her and I hope she will as well once I say again that I don’t want to be just friends. I mean it’s quite simple, we both need to be okay with what we will be. Either she is happy to be romantically involved with me or I’ll disappear from her life. Obviously she has a boyfriend so I’ll have to walk away until she becomes single

Blocking is the only way the contact will stop. If you cant block her, then just delete her messages before reading them and don't reply to any of them anymore. 

The only option you have here hun is to walk away for good and put her out of your mind.

I 'm sorry but it's been over a year and she has a boyfriend. She will never be with you romantically

Edited January 24, 2023 by JTSW

[toughlove1993]

1 hour ago, JTSW said:

Because you're a good guy and she cares about you as a friend.

Blocking is the only way the contact will stop. If you cant block her, then just delete her messages before reading them and don't reply to any of them anymore. 

The only option you have here hun is to walk away for good and put her out of your mind.

I 'm sorry but it's been over a year and she has a boyfriend. She will never be with you romantically

Okay, I guess you're right. But I suppose its sad we can't be in each others lives anymore. I can't be her friend and if she can't be my partner then I suppose its time to part ways. I'll tell her my feelings and leave things on good terms. 

[toughlove1993]

I finally mustered the courage to tell her. 

This is how it went. I send the message about 15 minutes ago.

Me: Do you only see us as friends?

Her: You know I'm in a relationship. For a year I do love him

Me: I want you. I don't think I can just be your friend because I want you romantically. You obviously can't do anything at the moment so I feel it's best for you if I back away. I do wish you the happiness in your relationship so maybe it's best we get back in touch if things don't work out between you? I'll obviously still be here for you if you need me.

 

She has seen the message but has not replied yet. I know I could have done better but my heart is pumping right now. It's the best I could do guys. I hope it was good enough 

I am really sad right now 

Edited January 29, 2023 by toughlove1993

[toughlove1993]

This hurts a lot 😢