Broken up With 2 Months Ago, Nothing Seems to Be Working

[GoBuckeyes]

Two months ago, I got broken up with by my girlfriend of two years. I loved that girl more than anything. I am in medical school and we were doing long distance where the distance was only three hours away from each other. The plan going into medical school was that she was going to move to where I am after a year as that would give her plenty of times to find a job down here and work long enough at the company she is at to gain experience. Long distance was going great. She worked a job where she could work from home sometimes and would come down here all the time. Then, slowly she began saying that she needed another year to live on her own as she had always had roommates. This worried me because it was increasing the time period of long distance but I understood because this was my first time living on my own as well so I could empathize with wanting that experience.

She began asking me if I thought after medical school that I could try and do a residency in her hometown as we had talked about marriage and having kids and she wanted to be near her family so they could help out as I was going to be so busy with work for a couple of year. I agreed as it made complete since for me to do that for her, as she was going to move here for a few years so we could start building our life together. Then, came what I feared the most. Without us really talking about it, she told me she would never move to the city that I was in. No talking about it, no trying to come to an agreement and talk things through. She said that the city didn't feel like home to her. To me, home has always been about the people you do life with, not a city. I asked her why we were together if she refused to move three hours away for a few years. Then, she said that she thought life was taking us in different directions. She broke up with me over a four minute call.

We had talked so much about marriage and building a family together. We had always said we were a team and that we would always choose each other. I wrote her a letter that night and sent it to her telling her how much I believed in her, thanking her for our two years together, and how someone out there was always going to have love for her no matter what. She didn't even reply. Two months later, I haven't heard a word from her. I haven't tried to contact her since that night for my own sake and to attempt to heal. But no matter what I do, nothing seems to be working.

I have joined a new kickboxing gym, started journaling to get my feelings out in writing, and even been attending weekly therapy sessions. But no matter what I do, I can't seem to get her out of my mind. I can't seem to stop loving her. I just want to stop loving her.

I was not perfect in this relationship by any means and I would never claim that I was. I am trying to use this relationship as a lesson and to never settle. I know her not replying to the letter I sent her should be enough closure. But for some reason, everything I do doesn't seem to dull the pain or make my feelings go away. Are there any suggestions on what I should do?

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, GoBuckeyes said:

. But for some reason, everything I do doesn't seem to dull the pain or make my feelings go away. Are there any suggestions on what I should do?

You won't like this answer, but you need to give it time. It's only been two months. It's going to take longer than that to really start processing it all and letting go. You have got to be patient with yourself about your healing, and trust the process. 

You're doing everything right, but you may be expecting too much too soon (in terms of feeling much better at this point) You will get there. I am sorry you are struggling. Keep coming here and writing it all out. That in and of itself can help a lot, too. Hang in there. 

[JTSW]

When reality set in, the thought of moving to a different city, away from her family, friends and everything she knows, scared her.

It's a huge step, one she realised she wasn't ready to take.

I can understand how she feels. 

You won't stop loving her just like that. You will always have love for her.

Over time the strength of those feelings will get less and less.

You need to give it time.

[glows]

It’s only two months. Take your time and focus on your life. Delete and block her from social media. 

It sounds like you both were growing apart for some time. For her to break up abruptly that way she might have been tired of talking things through and didn’t feel she was interested in coming to any agreement with you because she’s no longer interested in any future living apart from her support system, her growing career or her life in her city.

It’s a note of caution when dating long distance. Before putting your entire heart and soul into it, date locally and ensure you’re both local to one another before making plans like this about starting a family. I know you want to believe it all makes sense but it was completely unrealistic to expect to marry and start a family with someone you have never seen regularly in real time or dated locally. Her entire life is in another locale. 

If she moves she’s dependent on you living in your house or apartment, having to start over in a new job and the possibility of getting pregnant with none of her support system close by. In theory, it all seems workable but it’s asking a lot out of someone who is at greater risk of being isolated and unhappy. It happens every day and we don’t have to look too far. Read the threads on the forum and you’ll see instances of severe isolation and depression set in when one person gives up everything to be with someone else elsewhere. It isn’t always the case but it happens often enough.

Take the blinders off for long distance dating. It’s not about settling. It’s about being realistic and more pragmatic and understanding when it comes to someone’s life. Their life isn’t just you and being in a relationship with you. It’s made up infinitely of many other things and relationships such as family and friends. It would be a red flag to hear someone is willing to move away without enough consideration for these things and would indicate someone flighty, unstable or unable to hold down a job or doesn’t have a career if he or she is immediately willing to leave everything behind to start over somewhere else. It’s uncommon to find individuals with the flexibility to do this so early in their career and it does sound like she has one. 

Healing or getting rid of all these feelings doesn’t happen instantly in two months. The focus needs to be on your life and accept that you cared about her and not fight what you feel. Let it be there and keep doing you. Ignore what people are saying such as dating too soon or looking for rebounds and other dates. Work on your own career and schooling and rethink the way you view long distance dating. The situation with your ex wasn’t a good match. She has other ideas and opinions and doesn’t agree with the initial plan to move. Be very careful in future the way you invest in someone like this from afar. 

Edited January 23, 2023 by glows

[GoBuckeyes]

13 hours ago, glows said:

It’s only two months. Take your time and focus on your life. Delete and block her from social media. 

It sounds like you both were growing apart for some time. For her to break up abruptly that way she might have been tired of talking things through and didn’t feel she was interested in coming to any agreement with you because she’s no longer interested in any future living apart from her support system, her growing career or her life in her city.

It’s a note of caution when dating long distance. Before putting your entire heart and soul into it, date locally and ensure you’re both local to one another before making plans like this about starting a family. I know you want to believe it all makes sense but it was completely unrealistic to expect to marry and start a family with someone you have never seen regularly in real time or dated locally. Her entire life is in another locale. 

If she moves she’s dependent on you living in your house or apartment, having to start over in a new job and the possibility of getting pregnant with none of her support system close by. In theory, it all seems workable but it’s asking a lot out of someone who is at greater risk of being isolated and unhappy. It happens every day and we don’t have to look too far. Read the threads on the forum and you’ll see instances of severe isolation and depression set in when one person gives up everything to be with someone else elsewhere. It isn’t always the case but it happens often enough.

Take the blinders off for long distance dating. It’s not about settling. It’s about being realistic and more pragmatic and understanding when it comes to someone’s life. Their life isn’t just you and being in a relationship with you. It’s made up infinitely of many other things and relationships such as family and friends. It would be a red flag to hear someone is willing to move away without enough consideration for these things and would indicate someone flighty, unstable or unable to hold down a job or doesn’t have a career if he or she is immediately willing to leave everything behind to start over somewhere else. It’s uncommon to find individuals with the flexibility to do this so early in their career and it does sound like she has one. 

Healing or getting rid of all these feelings doesn’t happen instantly in two months. The focus needs to be on your life and accept that you cared about her and not fight what you feel. Let it be there and keep doing you. Ignore what people are saying such as dating too soon or looking for rebounds and other dates. Work on your own career and schooling and rethink the way you view long distance dating. The situation with your ex wasn’t a good match. She has other ideas and opinions and doesn’t agree with the initial plan to move. Be very careful in future the way you invest in someone like this from afar. 

I appreciate the thoughtful reply. Just to add context, we dated for a year and a half before I had to move three hours away for medical school. We were very serious and were talking about moving into together before I got my acceptance to medical school. We both agreed to do long distance because we had talked extensively about marriage and starting a family in the next five years. She actually moved 12 hours away from her family for college before I met her where we both went to school. So, she didn't have her family in the city where we dated locally. Me moving to medical school was something we talked about for half a year before it happened. We talked about all of our fears about the situation and what her moving would mean and the issues that could stem from it. I think that is what is so frustrating about the situation. I was her main support system and her wanting to live on her own for a year was actually so she could get away from her friends who she lived with they were unsupportive and made her life stressful. We were both happy with long distance, I just think there has to be an end goal in mind to long distance. Relationships can't be long distance forever. 

As far as her career, she actually hates the job she is working at currently. That's why we both thought it was a perfect situation as I live in a large city with many job opportunities for her. She was going to start building a career in a new job away from the one she is currently doing. She is still searching for her passion and what she fully wants to do for her career. 

We both thought long distance would be good as she could focus on searching for a job she was excited about down here and I could focus on medical school. That's what is so frustrating is that it seems like she lied and manipulated me into believing that she would move down here. That she stayed in the relationship because she didn't want to be alone, not because she loved me unconditionally. I loved her unconditionally. 

It just feels like she picked the superficial parts of life such as a glamourous city over me. I always chose her. I even agreed to moving 12 hours away after medical school to be near her family for residency. But she couldn't even move three hours away for a short time period for me. It just felt like I was the one that was constantly having to compromise and she wouldn't compromise for me at all. 

I definitely see what you are saying about her perspective and don't deny that moving is a hard thing to do. She would have to make new friends in a new city. Learn new routines. I am in that current position as well as my support system is three hours away and I live alone. I completely empathize with that. I just wish she would have communicated with me and attempted to compromise like I did and would for her. 

[glows]

Thanks for sharing all that as it does change my understanding and view quite a bit. I’ve felt that way before after a break up feeling quite bruised and manipulated as well yet in hindsight things could be a lot worse. What if she had moved to be with you just for the “glamour” of a city and you invested much more into this only for her to leave? She showed you what she’s made of and your goals differ. 

Your view of her seems to be changing after the break up as you also realize who she was. Give yourself more time. Two months can take the edge off a break up but for most it’s nowhere near to completely forgiving and forgetting, if ever. The point is to continue with your plans for yourself, both personal and career and never stop growing. 

If you’re feeling numb at times that’s ok too. There is no timeline for recovery or healing. As long as you’re not engaging in any unhealthy habits, addictions or substance abuse or putting yourself at risk you are fine. Stay on track with school and make sure you visit your family and friends now and then. Even if it feels like a chore talking with people don’t isolate yourself. Exercise, journaling, movies and work helped me during my separation when I was in the process of a divorce. Don’t panic about the emotions. It will fade, everything ends and fades eventually. Have faith in yourself and stick to your goals.