Just a few thoughts on NC

[LilChicki]

Hi all.I'm new on the forum but been reading over the last few days...and I see lots of great advice.

 

I keep reading about doing NC and how effective it is. I always thought doing NC should just be a natural reaction to a breakup..because afterall, you are NO longer with that person, so why would contact make them come back?

Of course, I know fresh out of a break up it's hard to see things that logically...but the truth is that it's the most logical thing to do.

 

I remember when I was younger (I'm almost 35 now) I used to do the most asinine things. I was awful ...Short of stalking the guys I basically did almost every stupid thing imaginable to get an ex back..and people I will tell you now....it does NOT work. Your ex will remember the pathetic stupid things you did MUCH longer than all the nice things you did combined. Why?? Because it SCARES them..when what you should be doing is showing them you are a SANE and stable person they can trust. They have movies like Fatal Attraction and Swim Fan, etc...most people do NOT want those types of scenerios to apply to THIER relationships..but the sad fact is common sense flies out the window when you are faced with that cold hard rejection.

 

I am not being preachy (I hope)...just airing my views on this much discussed subject. I have read the pros AND cons of NC..and personally I am very PRO NC because in the long run....it's the one tactic that not only works, but allows you to mainatain some class and dignity in a very UNdignified situation.

 

That said...I hope to be able to post and help out in the future...

Thanks for taking the time to read my post

[patwheel]

Just gave me another reason for keeping the NC and not beg the b*tch who dumped me a week before my bday.

Thanks for reminding me!

[J dub]

Lil chicki has it right on the money. All you individuals out there who are sittin ducks wasting your life away because youre convinced they'll come back to you (while youre friends with them..ack ) will eventually see it.

[LilChicki]

Haha J Dub.....Thanks. I have read your posts as well..and you are a straight shooter...and right on the money. I hope to get advice from you if I need it someday

[J dub]

Haha J Dub.....Thanks. I have read your posts as well..and you are a straight shooter...and right on the money. I hope to get advice from you if I need it someday

Seems to me you have a pretty mature and decent grasp on the essentials of a healthy and maintenence free break-up, so I dont think you'll be needing any help -- although we are always here should you decide to look for some

[mini696]

NC only work if you want to get over someone. If you want them back, nothing you do will be right. If you do NC, you'll be either forgotten about, or accused of not caring enough. If you stalk them and call all the time, you'll just push them away furthur.

 

The idea is not to let it get to the point of breaking up in the first place.

 

Mick

[blonde]

not to let it get to the point of breaking up ... like there is control over that mick ... come on now ... puh-leeese!!!

 

ive been NCing for 3-4 weeks now ... well thats a good sign ... i cant even remember exactly how long its been ... and ur so right lil chicki ... it DOES make things dignified and it IS logical ... i have received two texts from my dumper in that time (saying only "hi how are you") ... the latest was this afternoon and again i havent responded ... although its so incredibly damned tempting ... however ... lets face facts ... he dumped me ... how i am is no longer his business ... his new g/f is his business ... NC really does allow u to move on ... when i receive a msg from him it only serves to set me back ... after todays msg ive been a bit shellshocked but i know in a day or two i will be glad i havent let even a little part of me back into his life ... all or nothing and all that kinda stuff ... this "lets be friends" caper only serves to delay ur healing in my opinion ... anyway im just waffling on here ... but hey ... im bloody proud of myself for being strong! Cheers dears!

[Sailynn]

Quote: "If you do NC, you'll be either forgotten about, or accused of not caring enough."

 

This is SO True. I had my ex tell me that I really hurt her by falling off the face of the earth. No contact. "Why didn't I call?" "Where were you?" you get the picture...

 

The facts are, she delivered me an apolcalyptic breakup and I removed myself from her presence, immediately. I was left broken and shocked. I had to get back on my feet fast. She thinks my NC actions were born of malice, however, it was a selfish act to set up a world for myself to heal from this blow. I hate it when they do that. They still twist things around to make it all seem your fault. It goes to show, they really haven't resolved the issue of why they broke up with you in the first place.

[blonde]

hi there ... a dramatic turnaround of events today ... my ex b/f ... who left me to be with another woman ... sends me a text msg saying "its all over with her" ... now he wants me back ... it had only been 12 hours since SHE dumped HIM ... oh i love him desperately ... but feeling oh so wary ... he said he didnt ever stop thinking about me which is why he had messaged me a few times while we were apart ... i exercised total N/C during that time ... so who bloody knows if N/C works or not ... all i know is that i am elated (and i know its bitchy but im glad he was the dumpee this time lol) ... but im confused ... we just spent 2 hours on phone and are meeting for drink on wed night to "discuss things further" ... no matter if they're there or they're not there ... contact or no contact ... seems to me lovers just seem to muddle up ur head eh ...

[magda]

Ew, blonde^, you need to make him win you back. It's like he knows you'll take him back after he treats you like sh*t. You should not be havin that. Seriously, make him win you back. If you don't, he'll probably do this crap again.

[Kuzzi]

Hey blonde...How long have you guys been broken up? I agree that he needs to "win" you back. He needs to prove to you that he does want to be with you and this won't happen again. Has he had any time on his own to think about things? It could very well have been the ole grass is greener attitude. Doesn't it feel good to know that he's learning it's not that green? Just be careful, be smart and be strong.

[tonyp56]

Of course NC is the logical thing to do when someone breaks up with you (everyone I believe knows this deep down). But, that is why LS is here, cause when you are in the middle of a breakup, you do not think logically. You are a emotional wreck, and not thinking clearly. You can know everything about love and relationships, but if you relationship ends, it will all go out the window, and you will need others to point you in the right direction.

[lirima]

Here's the deal:

 

My boyfriend and I of 3 1/2 years lived together pretty much the whole time together. Of course there were many bad times, but good ones too. I seriously believed he was the one and still is. Unfortunately, there were many things about him that I felt he needed to change in order forme to picture a life for us. For example:ambition, self-care, responsibility. I am afraid that I nagged him to the point where he hated himself.

 

We were very close and I love him because I feel 100% comfortable with him and he loved me unconditionally - well, maybe not. Anyway, he is the love of my life in many ways. I know I hurt him with a lot of my actions but I was always there for him. The love between us is undeniably. I mean all relationships have there ups and downs and sometimes I was blinded to the fact of how much he means to me.

 

So, in late August I went away to my home town and by accident, I met someone else. Yes I did sleep with them and made a powerful connection - this scared me because I felt so distant from my bf. With the delusions of being saved in a dark time (this dissipated and now he is only a friend), I came home and told my bf that I thought he should move out so we could get some space - to my surprise, he agreed. Two weeks later he had cold feet but I pushed the issue and he moved out.....I was delusional! When he finally moved, I was devestated. Yes, I know I sound like a control freak and completely selfish.

 

Anyway, after two weeks I became psychotic by calling him repeatedly, asking him where he was, demanding to see him and telling him to please come back home. Also, we never broke up when he moved out but it was so damn confusing. I became psychotic and he started to pull away...saying he was confused and needed space but I wouldn't let up.

 

12 days ago I called him calmly and told him that I love him and we should sort things out slowly...he agreed whole heartedly and we made a date for Saturday (also, before this we were still seeing and sleeping with each other).

 

Anyway, I called him on Sat and he said he was tired...I got upset and demanded he see me. He told me to pick him up at work and that he would call when he was ready. He never called, turned off his phone and I haven't heard from him since. The next day I left two more messages and wrote him a beautiful e-mail bearing my soul. It's been 10 days since I have heard anything and I have been implementing the NC rule for 9 days now and it's killing me. What is going on with him? Should I call him? Will he call me?

[flightymighty]

Here's the deal:

 

My boyfriend and I of 3 1/2 years lived together pretty much the whole time together. Of course there were many bad times, but good ones too. I seriously believed he was the one and still is. Unfortunately, there were many things about him that I felt he needed to change in order forme to picture a life for us. For example:ambition, self-care, responsibility. I am afraid that I nagged him to the point where he hated himself.

 

We were very close and I love him because I feel 100% comfortable with him and he loved me unconditionally - well, maybe not. Anyway, he is the love of my life in many ways. I know I hurt him with a lot of my actions but I was always there for him. The love between us is undeniably. I mean all relationships have there ups and downs and sometimes I was blinded to the fact of how much he means to me.

 

So, in late August I went away to my home town and by accident, I met someone else. Yes I did sleep with them and made a powerful connection - this scared me because I felt so distant from my bf. With the delusions of being saved in a dark time (this dissipated and now he is only a friend), I came home and told my bf that I thought he should move out so we could get some space - to my surprise, he agreed. Two weeks later he had cold feet but I pushed the issue and he moved out.....I was delusional! When he finally moved, I was devestated. Yes, I know I sound like a control freak and completely selfish.

 

Anyway, after two weeks I became psychotic by calling him repeatedly, asking him where he was, demanding to see him and telling him to please come back home. Also, we never broke up when he moved out but it was so damn confusing. I became psychotic and he started to pull away...saying he was confused and needed space but I wouldn't let up.

 

12 days ago I called him calmly and told him that I love him and we should sort things out slowly...he agreed whole heartedly and we made a date for Saturday (also, before this we were still seeing and sleeping with each other).

 

Anyway, I called him on Sat and he said he was tired...I got upset and demanded he see me. He told me to pick him up at work and that he would call when he was ready. He never called, turned off his phone and I haven't heard from him since. The next day I left two more messages and wrote him a beautiful e-mail bearing my soul. It's been 10 days since I have heard anything and I have been implementing the NC rule for 9 days now and it's killing me. What is going on with him? Should I call him? Will he call me?

[JosiePosie]

Here's the deal:

 

My boyfriend and I of 3 1/2 years lived together pretty much the whole time together. Of course there were many bad times, but good ones too. I seriously believed he was the one and still is. Unfortunately, there were many things about him that I felt he needed to change in order forme to picture a life for us. For example:ambition, self-care, responsibility. I am afraid that I nagged him to the point where he hated himself.

 

We were very close and I love him because I feel 100% comfortable with him and he loved me unconditionally - well, maybe not. Anyway, he is the love of my life in many ways. I know I hurt him with a lot of my actions but I was always there for him. The love between us is undeniably. I mean all relationships have there ups and downs and sometimes I was blinded to the fact of how much he means to me.

 

So, in late August I went away to my home town and by accident, I met someone else. Yes I did sleep with them and made a powerful connection - this scared me because I felt so distant from my bf. With the delusions of being saved in a dark time (this dissipated and now he is only a friend), I came home and told my bf that I thought he should move out so we could get some space - to my surprise, he agreed. Two weeks later he had cold feet but I pushed the issue and he moved out.....I was delusional! When he finally moved, I was devestated. Yes, I know I sound like a control freak and completely selfish.

 

Anyway, after two weeks I became psychotic by calling him repeatedly, asking him where he was, demanding to see him and telling him to please come back home. Also, we never broke up when he moved out but it was so damn confusing. I became psychotic and he started to pull away...saying he was confused and needed space but I wouldn't let up.

 

12 days ago I called him calmly and told him that I love him and we should sort things out slowly...he agreed whole heartedly and we made a date for Saturday (also, before this we were still seeing and sleeping with each other).

 

Anyway, I called him on Sat and he said he was tired...I got upset and demanded he see me. He told me to pick him up at work and that he would call when he was ready. He never called, turned off his phone and I haven't heard from him since. The next day I left two more messages and wrote him a beautiful e-mail bearing my soul. It's been 10 days since I have heard anything and I have been implementing the NC rule for 9 days now and it's killing me. What is going on with him? Should I call him? Will he call me?

 

Yikes...you did a good job in scaring and pushing this guy away. Give him time and give yourself time.

[flightymighty]

Yikes...you did a good job in scaring and pushing this guy away. Give him time and give yourself time.

 

think I blew it?

[downcydeguy]

I'm going to assume your "beautiful email baring your soul" didn't include your summer fling with the other guy. This alone tells me that YOU don't deserve HIM. However, if you DID tell him about it, maybe he's just now waking up and realizing that he can't accept that and is trying to move on without your drama.

[blonde]

its amazing how even the sanest, most rational of people can lose it entirely when i comes to love ... and losing love ... i spose this sounds shallow but all i can recommend is that u strive to stay strong ... hard as it is ... how many times i wanted to "drunk and dial" ... even when i was sober lol ... to send an email ... sms ... but i fought that desire ... to my benefit ... i think if i had hounded mark ... stalked him even ... i would have pushed him further into his new g/f's arms ... as it turns out there is a very happy ending ... i decided i didnt want any more games ... such as making him work to win me back ... and vice versa ... it was the games that stuffed us up in the first place (ok i confess ... more my fault than his) ... so we openly and honestly discussed all aspects of our relationship, our values and what we truly want in our lives ... fortunately it turns out they are all the same things ... so we are making a commitment (not marriage ... yet ... have to get around the obstacle of my daughters' negativity towards any man i meet lol) and we're going to do it right this time ... because we both know there will be no more second chances ... for either of us ... and although things turned extremely sour for a while there ... underneath it all we are best friends and have so much love for each other ... i just want to say thank u to all who responded to my occasional anguished posts over the last few months and gave some genuinely insightful and practical advice and support in a time when sense was pretty much out the window and life felt like a train wreck ... ur thoughts kept me going and kept me grounded ... i wish u all happiness ... thanks again ... wish me luck ok ... cheers dears!