What is this!?!

[reader]

I have a friend (?) that really made a point of wanting to get to know me. He emailed, stopped by, etc.

 

This went on for a long time. He is nice, smart and funny, but coming off a realtionship, and, I don't know, I just know the whole rebound thing and I am really tied up with work and college, so I need to stay focused on what I have to do, although I always write back and am nice to him.

 

Now, I'll write, I'll call, and he will write or call when he is feeling badly about his relationship, but never just to keep in touch the way most friends do, and even then, it is very rare.

 

This whole thing seems very one sided and I don't really have to try like this with my other friends. I just feel a little set up - he draws me in, thinking we are friends, "I'll call, I'll write, I've been busy...I'll let you know, I was wondering if you could come to my Halloween party..." but most of what he says he will do doesn't happen, and it just doesn't feel right.

 

He is quite a bit younger, he is getting over his girlfriend, I know he likes me, but I am not in a position to like him back in whatever way he is thinking other than a friend - he is pretty desperate due to the recent breakup and I just don't react to disappointment like that because of my life experiences. He might just like me as a friend, or as someone who is there when he needs it.

 

He is on and off again with the gf, and I don't know if this is even worth continuing.

 

What do you think?

[reader]

Hey everyone,

 

Please give me some feedback - I have lived in a cave for years with work and college and raising my kids.

 

So, what is easy for you to figure out, I am struggling with.

 

Please.

[beesknees]

i think your instincts are right on. in the first place, he's on the rebound. in the second place, you're not interested in him the same way. in the third place, he's one-sided (probably because he's on the rebound). as oprah always says, "listen to your inner voice."

 

kudos to you on the work/college/kids thing! i think that's great. been there myself (sans kids).

[mini696]

Your going to have to confront him, and ask what his intentions are. Watch his body language closely because, if you ask he'll most likely say something like "I think of you as a very good friend" but mean "I like you a lot and want to have you as mine".

 

Mick

[Mary3]

You are just a venting board for him. He is in love with this other girl.

 

You are going to get hurt if you start feeling something,.

 

But since you dont. Keep it that way

[reader]

You are both right.

 

What I've picked up on, is that he is trying to rope me in, which won't happen, at least not right now - due to his rebound mentality and the fact that I need to get some things done (school).

 

And, that I'm a sounding board for him. He does love this other person, which will end up badly for him, but it can't be my problem.

 

I think I'll try NC and move on to other things and people that are more on the same level as me, at least until I feel like I'm being treated with some respect.

 

Thanks,

reader

[slubberdegullion]

In a very real sense, reader, he is treating you with respect. Clearly he wouldn't be comfortable sharing all those things about his previous relationship with just anyone, so he obviously feels a level of trust with you.

 

I don't get the sense that he's trying to "rope you in," but exorcising his inner dæmons about his previous relationship.

 

However, I think your instincts are right. Unless you're really interested in being his therapist, it's probably best if you back off and tell him to do the same. And do it directly; no subtle hints, no off-hand comments, no asides. Be clear.

[reader]

I guess what was bugging me is that I would email or call, based on what seems/seemed like a friendship, but he isn't very responsive, or at least not in a way that I am used to.

 

I don't know if that makes sense - just that when you send an email, it is nice to get a response back maybe not right away, but within a few days. I don't understand the not calling back thing, but, he didn't email me back today either, so maybe this will just die if I do the NC thing... (I called last and sent 2 emails, the last one was Monday, so I feel like I should just wait and see.)

 

Thanks for any advice or suggestions.

 

And yes, you are right, he does trust me. He told me I know more about him than anyone else.

 

I don't really get this, but am not going to be too judgmental. I'm just taking one day at a time because my schedule is killing me.

 

Thanks.