scratch Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I would not tell him that I'm interested in a serious relationship with him, but I would let him know that I want more than just fun and that's what I had done in the past. I had gone out with someone because I started liking him after getting to know him. During the date I realized that he was probably just out for fun, I asked him and he said yes. So, we decided to cancel the date. How is that inconsistent with telling someone that you want something serious with the right person and leaving it ambiguous as to whether the person with whom you're on the date is indeed the right person? I looked my posts up and the reason why I assumed that the OP was a guy, because INHFC was using this constellation. My answer followed on her assumption that the OP was a guy.? You weren't just discussing the Op, you were speaking about FWB relationships in general. I also infer that IHNFC was speaking not to the OP specifically, but addressing the FWB type of relationship in general. If you followed one of her assumptions, why not both? And, if you did follow only one of the two, how come you didn't point that out in your disagreement with her? And I did not say that he/she/it was only interested in FBW relationships. See your post #21 in this thread, where, prophetically, you criticized me for not reading carefully. You said: "The OP has clearly stated that he was only interested in a FBW relationship, not a serious relationship." I never said this. That's true, not in so many words. All of your pronouns just indicated you assumed it. Let me ask you, then - do you disagree with the assumption? My assumption is that people who go out on dates are interested in serious relationship and that FWB relationships are more or less an exception, more a transition thing. If your intentions differ from the usual expectations concerning the purpose of dating I would expect you to tell me what you want. Your assumption would be wrong. In many cases, people go on dates because they are interested in one another on some romantic level, and as time goes on, they determine exactly how far they would like the relationship to go. Whatever, I'd like to be informed upfront what your intentions are before I start investing emotions in you. If you know you only want a FWB relationship you should say it. What's so difficult about this? Perhaps you are also entitled to know how much I earn, how many kids I want and my sexual history before you invest emotions in me. Frankly, I would be disappointed to learn that someone was going out with me for any reason other than they simply enjoyed spending time with me. I file this under the category of information that people think they would like to know, but in reality would cause their interest to lessen. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I am criticizing your assumption that women want serious relationships and men want casual relationships. I defy you to find a man on this site who is single and wouldn't be happy to find "the one." The search would certainly be interesting. Probably when most people are in their late teens and early twenties, "the one" is either that month's infatuation or else some dream of yet to be discovered perfection. Once the latter group hit their forties and are still single, their image of that elusive "one" maybe just evolves into someone from the past who, as it turned out, was the best of the bunch. The number one "friend with benefits". Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Thanks wasn't sure what it was!! Is that a good thing or bad thing never had one of them before !! Guess it won't be so complicated all about the sex!! Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Guess it won't be so complicated all about the sex!! That's what you'd think. It always ends up getting complicated one way or another. We all still do 'em anyway...no pun intended. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 You know, hon, using someone to satisfy one's own selfish needs is low moral. She might be naive not to have an exclusivity talk with him before, but that does not justify it to exploit her naivety. For some people, sex still means something. YEAH have to agree with loony sex means more to me than a good fuc$!!!: Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 That's what you'd think. It always ends up getting complicated one way or another. We all still do 'em anyway...no pun intended. I can see that !! The other person might start having feelings for the one that wants only sex!!! Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 How is that inconsistent with telling someone that you want something serious with the right person and leaving it ambiguous as to whether the person with whom you're on the date is indeed the right person? Well, I can only assume that people ask me out because they do think I'm looking for a serious relationship. You weren't just discussing the Op, you were speaking about FWB relationships in general. I also infer that IHNFC was speaking not to the OP specifically, but addressing the FWB type of relationship in general. If you followed one of her assumptions, why not both? And, if you did follow only one of the two, how come you didn't point that out in your disagreement with her? You're a nitpicker... I answered in the context that she provided. If it makes you happy, then I will generalize it: He/She should let her/his date know, if he/she is only looking for fun. Are you happy now? See your post #21 in this thread, where, prophetically, you criticized me for not reading carefully. You said: "The OP has clearly stated that he was only interested in a FBW relationship, not a serious relationship." The OP was asking about FWB relationships, meaning, he/she specifically was interested in having his questions about FWB relationships answered. Whether he/she in general was only interested in FWB relationships is another question that I can't answer. That's true, not in so many words. All of your pronouns just indicated you assumed it. Let me ask you, then - do you disagree with the assumption? That it's mostly men who want FWB relationships? Based on my own experiences I can only say most guys who have approached me were probably not just looking for sex. I'd say though that there is a difference on how women and men handle sex. Women get hooked more easily (that's hopefully something we can agree on...) Your assumption would be wrong. In many cases, people go on dates because they are interested in one another on some romantic level, and as time goes on, they determine exactly how far they would like the relationship to go. Ok, then not everybody goes on dates because he/she () is looking for a relationship, but it would still be nice to let the other person know when you have made up your mind and just want fun, because you can not assume that everybody else is also wanting something casual as you do. You have a freaking responsibility to inform your partner. Perhaps you are also entitled to know how much I earn, how many kids I want and my sexual history before you invest emotions in me. Frankly, I would be disappointed to learn that someone was going out with me for any reason other than they simply enjoyed spending time with me. I'm not sure what to say. Link to post Share on other sites
loony Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Originally Posted by scratch How is that inconsistent with telling someone that you want something serious with the right person and leaving it ambiguous as to whether the person with whom you're on the date is indeed the right person? Well, I can only assume that people ask me out because they do think I'm looking for a serious relationship. Ok, I think my answer needs some more explanations. I assume that a guy who asks me out is interested in a serious relationship and that he himself also assumes that I'm interested in something serious and that when I accept it means I'm somewhat interested in him. I think the only times I accepted dates without being really interested in anything were when I hadn't realized that someone was asking me out and I had not to worry about anybody's feelings because I didn't know these people very well. Usually I get asked by people with whom I had been interacting on some personal level before and then I usually decide to recline a request for a date as by then I usually know that I do not want to date them. Is this clear somehow now? Link to post Share on other sites
cottoncandy Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 again wouldnt f buddies be the same as having 'casual sex'? the couple that i've had in the past... we discussed it first.. and neither of us wanted a committed relationship..so.. the whole thing was mutual. sometimes we would get together and go out for a movie or something with no sex involved.. other times we got together just for sex. Depended on what we both wanted to do i guess. But at the same time we were both seeing other people and both knew it. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Once the latter group hit their forties and are still single, their image of that elusive "one" maybe just evolves into someone from the past who, as it turned out, was the best of the bunch. The number one "friend with benefits". Sometimes earlier... 2 Juliets from the past checked in again out of the blue over the summer. Both shortly after their 29th birthday Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Initiate sex, do it and continue to see other people. If she ask's you why are you still seeing other people whilst still f***in her, than she's getting attached and wants a relationship. But state that you never said that you wanted a relationship. I'm sorry IHNFC, but I agree with Loony and think that's really awful. For a guy or a girl, this could be an incredibly cruel way to break their hearts. What's that quote from Vanilla Sky? "Don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not." Unless you say clearly otherwise - and the other person is cool with this - then sleeping with them is a promise of relationship and exclusivity. Link to post Share on other sites
lindya Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Sometimes earlier... 2 Juliets from the past checked in again out of the blue over the summer. Both shortly after their 29th birthday You're a popular guy, Romeo Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 again wouldnt f buddies be the same as having 'casual sex'? No. FWBs sounds a lot better the couple that i've had in the past... we discussed it first.. and neither of us wanted a committed relationship..so.. the whole thing was mutual. : : But at the same time we were both seeing other people and both knew it. :confused: Huh?? did you mean the person you were seeing actually knew you have an FWB? Link to post Share on other sites
elijahBailey Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Unless you say clearly otherwise - and the other person is cool with this - then sleeping with them is a promise of relationship and exclusivity. It definitely works this way for me. Link to post Share on other sites
ReluctantRomeo Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 You're a popular guy, Romeo Two swallows do not a relationship make Link to post Share on other sites
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