Am I being unreasonable?

[deena0827]

My husband's mother passed away after her long time battle with cancer when he was about 18 years old. (He is now 32) That was a very traumatic experience for him because he loved his mom more than anyone.

But now arises my problem. My grandmother just recently found out that she has breast cancer. While discussing this with my husband, I made the point that after she starts her chemo, we should go over to her house from time to time to check on her and just show our support. He COMPLETELY freaked out on me!!! He started saying how he doesn't want to see her like that and that it reminds him too much of his mom and that he doesn't care if other people in my family (including my mom) think he's being disrespectful. So after thinking it through, I put myself in his place and I realized how hard it probably is for him, so I let it go.

But now, my grandma is in the hospital after complications arose from the chemo. She's formed a blood clot in her arm, her blood count is really low, among many other problems. At this point her condition is stable, but that changes from day to day. Everyone in my family (and I have a HUGE family) has come to see her and show her support. I've been to the hospital multiple times without my husband and now people are starting to ask where he is. My mom calls me this morning and basically implies that it would be very rude of him not to show up and at least give my grandfather support. And I agree with her 100%!!! It's starting to become very embarassing for me and I don't want the outcome to be that everyone hates my husband. My grandparents were the only ones to completely support our marriage and they have been nothing but good to me my entire life. I want to bring it up to my husband again so we can go visit this weekend, but I know he's going to give me the same speech he did the first time. Do you think that he's making a big deal out of it or am I being unreasonable and not considering his feelings? I personally don't feel that I'm being selfish and I would do anything for him if it was gonna make him happy. What do you guys think?? I need your advice!! Thank you!!

[Craig]

He should be there to offer his support and visit your grandmother. If it is so completely traumatic for him that he simply can not (shows dramatic physical reactions like a racing heartbeat, sweating, vomiting, crying, shaking, etc.) THEN he absolutely needs professional help to begin to deal with it. I'm serious, some people have a reaction to certain trauma that follows them through their lives your husband may (or may not) be one of these people.

[FataMorgana]

hard call deena. I've been in a similar situation with your husband and it does take it's toll on you. If he said to you he cant do it I am sure he has enough reasons to say this and did not say it lightly (especially as you explained how much it meant for you).

 

Sounds to me that he hasn't completely dealed and healed with what happened to his mum and until he does so... IMO you are better off letting him be fro now, btu encourage hime to go to therapy as Craig suggested.

 

Why can't you go to the hospital to see your grandma without him? He can ring to offer his support and can meet your grandad maybe outside the hospital to ofer his support.

[lovephreakout]

if its seeing her in that condition thats freaking him out, ask him to escort you to the hospital... hang around with family at least. go to the cafeteria and have lunch with your grandpa. does your family know about his past experience in hospitals?

 

it may open old wounds for him, traumatic wounds. ask if your family would like to meet for lunch or something near the hospital...

 

i dont know tough call.. i would tell your husband tough it out.... and go with you,,, be your pillar when you need him to be

[RecordProducer]

I personally don't feel that I'm being selfish and I would do anything for him if it was gonna make him happy.

Anything? Well now you have the opportunity to prove that. It would make him happy if he doesn't have to go to the hospital and revoke the traumatic feelings he once had. So do it for him. Don't just say "I would..."

 

Whether his feelings are legitimate or not is nobody's job to decide, but his. Yes, you're being inconsiderate towards his feelings.

 

At the same time, he is being inconsiderate towards your family, but he has reasons for that. Tell your family the truth about it. His presence in the hospital will not contribute to anything becoming better anyway. In order that you understand how he is feeling, imagine that somebody cut with a knife someone you love most (god forbid!). How would you feel every time you see such a scene in a movie?

 

He doesn't want to see the scene of a woman dying of cancer. Respect his desire. He doesn't ask too much.

[deena0827]

I appreciate everyones views and thoughts about this situation.

 

Here's something that I left out. I would be more sympathetic if he had some type of panic attck or if I could really tell that this was affecting him horribly. However, he made a similar comment in the past about not going to one of my family members funerals because the only funeral he went to was his mothers and it brings back bad memories. So he didn't go and I was completely understanding, as was everyone else.

 

But then when his client's (he owns a personal training company) mother passed away, he didn't even think twice about going to her funeral and his reason was that , "Minne (his client) has done so much for us (meaning moneywise), I have to go." And he proceeded to do that for a few other people also. I don't expect him to even go into the room to see my grandma, who I just found out is getting a lot better, Thank God! All I ask is he come into the waiting room, sit with my grandfather for a little while, and that's it. So bottom line is that, when it has to do with his business and money, he'll do anything, but when it comes to supporting me and OUR family, he'll do anything he can to avoid the situation. I'm not saying that his mother's death was not a traumatic event for him, however, judging from past discussions we've had and his actions, he has dealt with it and only uses it as an excuse when he feels the need to.

[RecordProducer]

(his client) has done so much for us (meaning moneywise), I have to go

 

He felt he HAD TO GO to that funeral. Now he doesn't have to. If my friend's child spills strawberry juice on my beige carpet I HAVE TO smile and say "Don't worry, it's nothing." When my kids do it, I yell at them. Does that mean that I love my kids less? That's why we love our family memebers (or spouses, ideally), because we can be ourselves, we can find warmth, love, compassion, a refuge from the cruel reality; we don't have to pretend, take their crap, and feel suffocated. You - like no one else - should understand him and not be the source of his pain.

 

I would be more sympathetic if he had some type of panic attck or if I could really tell that this was affecting him horribly

 

He doesns't have to have a panick attack. Are you saying you're not taking him seriously? Does it have to be horrible so that you pay attention to him? If you think he is being vindictive for something else, then it's another problem and shouldn't be solved and forced through this issue.

 

Nobody is perfect. No matter how much it seems to you that he is not right about this whole thing, he has a right to be wrong sometimes.

[curiousnycgirl]

Generally I am in 100% agreement with Record Producer - but in this case I have to respectfully disagree (although the spilled juice analogy was wonderful).

 

It is an unfortunate part of reality that horrible things happen in life, and as much as we want to avoid them, at times we cannot. There comes a time when we need to grow up, suck it up and do the responsible thing. In this case that would be to show his support of you and your family AND your grandmother by coming to the hospital.

 

I am completely sympathetic to his trauma over losing his mother - and the fact that your grandmother also has cancer does not help - however just like he was there for his mother, he needs to be there for your grandmother although to a lesser extent. She is his family too!

 

You do not mention if he has other members on his side of the family - but I am willing to bet dollars to donuts he would be at the bedside for them!

 

Truth is his reaction to seeing your grandmother in the hospital may even be cathartic to him. He probably has built up the images of his mother dying in his head to a disproportionate level - additionally while he will feel emotions in reaction to your grandmother's illness, they won't be as deep as those he felt for his mother. This should help him see that hospital visits are ok.

 

I actually had a somewhat similar experience with my b/f a few weeks ago. I run a volunteer group at a local cancer hospital and he was with me on one of the days I volunteered - so I asked him to go with me. We do patient visitation ,etc. Both his mother and grandmother died of cancer - he was totally freaked, but he came with me. In the end he admitted that it was a totally different/less traumatic experience for him this time.

 

I hope this helps and wish you the very best.

[mini696]

I agree that it is hard for him to be reminded of his mum by seeing your grandma in that state. I think you should accept his decision.

 

Your family should not interfere and call him a bad person, he has his reasons, and they should not involve themselves. But I do agree with the above posts that he should offer your grandad support.

[lilmoma1973]

I think it is understandable how he feels about going to visit your grandma it reminds him of the way his mom was when she was alive!! My dad died when i was 10 from emphysema and asthma and it still to this day still bothers me to be around anybody that has cancer or copd !! I hate to go to the hospital to visit when someone is sick becausei went so much with my dad it makes me feel sick literately !!! Be patient with him and tell your family what happened i think they should be more understanding ... Maybe he shouldgo talk with someone about his fearssince his mother died with cancer maybe he never dealt with it like he should have !! Good luck

[deena0827]

Record Producer, I agree with you 100% that nobody is perfect and he has the right to be wrong. And I agree with everyone else that I should respect his decision.

 

Although, just like Curiousnycgirl brought up, if it was God forbid, his father or even one of my parents dealing with this, he wouldn't even hesitate to go see them.

 

All I'm expecting from him at this point is to go see my grandfather, give him a hug, and just let him know he's there for him. I told him he doesn't have to go into the room to see my grandma (which he explained is the only thing thats hard for him) until she completely recovers. My grandfather doesn't speak very good english, so it would be hard for my husband to just give him a call.

 

Anyways, I didn't mean to sound like the evil wife in my previous posts. I'm just under a lot of stress right now because my grandma means the world to me and I guess his reaction made me feel like he didn't care about my feelings, when in reality he does care, but needs to learn how to cope with his mother's death first.

 

Thank you everyone for your advice! And wish my grandma the best.