scobro Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I have been no contact for 3 weeks but I find myself becoming very angry and bitter towards my ex and I really don't know why I was fine for a while just sad ( thread "wife dumped me).I have done a lot of reading and have done the forgiveness exercises have written closure letter that you don't send but i still find myself pissed off about the situation on how and why she ended things and I do not want to harbor anger and resentment with me forever.The exercises that I did to release anger and forgive my ex I guess have not worked because I am still very angry.She sends me e-mails but I do no contact but I am angry still and resent what she did.How do I release this anger so it doesn't stay with me?. I want to forgive her but I don't think it is real just fake forgiveness to try so desperately to move on.I still hurt and am still angry It's been 3 months since she ended things and 8 weeks of physical separation.I guess I am angry because she blind sided me with it's over and now my whole life had to change and she is now dating some guy and never had to feel any pain while i get tossed aside and went through the toughest situation and stress I have ever gone through in my life but she just moves on like our marriage was nothing ,toss me like garbage end the marriage no pain or consequences while I hurt so bad it's not fair thats why I am PISSED OFF!!What do i do to stop the rage in me towards her?????please help I really need some good advice here. Thankyou Link to post Share on other sites
jhurtinct Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I just recently, after a blow up, realized I hold alot of resentment toward my ex for things he has done/said. I just had a long talk with myself and decided that enough is enough if I use up all off this energy on being angry and resentful then how am I going to improve my situation. I have gone through a life changing situation also (moved with my son out of our house) and I just need to learn to love the situation I'm in and focus all of my energy on making it what I want. Noone else is going to improve things or make things better for me other than me. Good luck and I hope you can focus that being pissed off into improving yourself, that is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
lilmoma1973 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Be patient and time will heal and you will be over that person and ready to move on and find the love of your life trust me i did !! It will happen .. Good things come to those who wait !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Scot- How do you know that she didn't hurt at some time or another over this whole thing? Just because to your outward glance it doesn't seem like it doesn't mean that its true. I've read and I fully believe that women are usually emotionally done before they leave a marriage. I know that was true in my case. I'd already done my grieving a long time before I actually left so by the time I left I was ready to move on. Could it be that that may be the case with your wife?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scobro Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 Scot- How do you know that she didn't hurt at some time or another over this whole thing? Just because to your outward glance it doesn't seem like it doesn't mean that its true. I've read and I fully believe that women are usually emotionally done before they leave a marriage. I know that was true in my case. I'd already done my grieving a long time before I actually left so by the time I left I was ready to move on. Could it be that that may be the case with your wife?? I know because I had to live with her for 2 months she was already dating someone with me fully aware and living with her as she talked to him on the phone as I was in the other room.If grieving is going out and partying all the time meeting a new guy all withing 2 weeks of ending your marriage then yes she grieved while I was at home devastated and confused by her actions to this.She did everything but sleep with the guy in front of me no empathy for how I felt could care less.Read wife dumped me thread and you will see.Narcissistic behaviour I don't think includes grieving over ending your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Brotha I am in the same boat....but my wife stayed and we are working on things....but I still harbor ALOT of anger and resentment and I am realizing that it is NOT HELPING us repair the damage....its like I want her to feel my pain...even thou I forgave her and want to move on and rebuild, I keep pushing the pain back to her....and its not helping...its hurting us...but I cant stop...its like its happening on its own... so...what do we do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author scobro Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 I am in the same boat.... What happened in your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Man, it's only been 3 weeks. I think that's a pretty short amount of time to expect all the anger to be purged. Maybe you just need to give it more time. I've found the gym to be very helpful for releasing anger. You look like you're already huge so just go get more built. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I have done a lot of reading and have done the forgiveness exercises have written closure letter that you don't send but i still find myself pissed off about the situation on how and why she ended things and I do not want to harbor anger and resentment with me forever.The exercises that I did to release anger and forgive my ex I guess have not worked because I am still very angry. Write several closure letters if you have to. Then mail them to yourself. It's cathartic, to say the least, and you'll be able to monitor your progress when you read them several days later. Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 scobro, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. Read up on the stages of grief. It's OK to feel angry for a little while. I think it will help you to move on as long as you let it out in a healthy way. I think you doing the exercises on anger was a little premature because you were not in an angry stage then. Use the anger and reflect on your relationship. Figure out the things SHE did wrong in the relationship that you wanted but sacrificed to be with her. With these reflections, I think you'll come to a better understanding of your own wants and desires and hopefully choose a better mate in the future. As long as the anger is productive, dont be afraid of it. Use it. But if you are still angry in say 3-6 months from now, then it's not very good and that is when you should start seeking some help. And what Mz. Pixie was probably trying to say is that your wife probably grieved the marriage before she even decided to ask for a divorce. You were not aware of her grieving because she hid it from you. But during her grieving process she finally came to a decision to leave the marriage, and by the time she actually ACTED on it, she had finished her grieving. That is why she's been able to move on and seems inconsiderate of your feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
Mz. Pixie Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Sco- Dgirl said it the way I was trying to- that is exactly what I meant. Living in the house with you and doing that was wrong! I can understand the anger. I think it's normal. It's like a death. Even though it appears she is unremorseful for her actions, at some point she probably will be remorseful. Take it from someone who has been there- I know. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 What happened in your situation? the long and short. After the birth of our second child....we kinda drifted apart. And wife was vulnerable. She admitted to a ONS in July 04. We entered counseling....things seem to be goin well, abliet I had a gut feeling. Then in March 05, she came clean, there was no ONS. She had been have an affair (EA turned PA) with her boss. Yes...the whole time during counseling she was cheating. Plus the affair started about 8 months before the Jul 04 confession....so in total it was over a year long affair. SO...here we are making things right...she is doing really well and trying really hard.....ITS ME that still is struggling. Still have anger of the whole thing. Just going day by day ya know....and its tuff man. ALL WE HAVE IS TIME BROTHER.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author scobro Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 the long and short. After the birth of our second child....we kinda drifted apart. And wife was vulnerable. She admitted to a ONS in July 04. We entered counseling....things seem to be goin well, abliet I had a gut feeling. Then in March 05, she came clean, there was no ONS. She had been have an affair (EA turned PA) with her boss. Yes...the whole time during counseling she was cheating. Plus the affair started about 8 months before the Jul 04 confession....so in total it was over a year long affair. SO...here we are making things right...she is doing really well and trying really hard.....ITS ME that still is struggling. Still have anger of the whole thing. Just going day by day ya know....and its tuff man. ALL WE HAVE IS TIME BROTHER.... I am surprised you are sticking around I wouldn't be able to.A year long affair wow thats tuff to take.good luck bro Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 3 weeks isn't alot of time, so allow yourself to move through the various stages of this. You will have good days and a bunch of bad days. Treat it like a death. In way it is, it's the death of how things were, and since she decided it's over - There isn't anything you can do to change things and go back. I'm sure it hurts and I'm sorry that you're in pain. Join a sports group and be active. Take that bad energy and focus it into hockey (Though I wouldn't wanna be the other person on the end of your check, I'd be staying out of the corners and keeping the head up!), football or soccer. Even Squash could be fun, banging the ball around the court.(Sorry, I know how that reads...lol) Thumbs is right, you have time on your side - And time does heal all wounds. Link to post Share on other sites
ThumbingMyWay Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I am surprised you are sticking around I wouldn't be able to.A year long affair wow thats tuff to take.good luck bro we have been together since highschool (18 years) and we are both 35 now. 2 kids and alot of history. There still is love here so we are working to get past this. 1 year VS 18 years. If she wanted out for good, she would have left....but she didnt. I at least owe it to myself and her to see if we can repair it. . And we are trying man. It will work out I know it will....its just hard sometimes good luck to you too.... Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 ...But if you are still angry in say 3-6 months from now, then it's not very good... Does this apply to still feeling hurt after that time?....not anger but hurt? Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Does this apply to still feeling hurt after that time?....not anger but hurt? There's really no set time limit. Everyone grieves in their own way. The trick is to make sure you dont get stuck on one particular stage. Staying in anger, denial, begging for too long isnt healthy and we can become addicted to our own sorrow. Feeling hurt is ok as long as you can move on and have hope for the future. I'm 8 months separated, and I still bounce around between denial/anger/begging/acceptance sometimes. But the thing is, the pain has gotten less. As long as you are making progress, then all's good. But if you dont see any improvements at all (and in the beginning it's really hard to notice them), but if you can smile or think about something else for a second, then a minute, then an hour, then a day, then a week, then a month, well you are improving! Also, bouncing between stages is perfectly normal. You dont go through them one by one, but you bounce around a lot. Eventually you stay in the acceptance stage longer and longer. I dont think the sorrow will ever disappear completely, but it wont be the focus of your attention forever, and that's what is important. Link to post Share on other sites
Author scobro Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 There's really no set time limit. Everyone grieves in their own way. The trick is to make sure you dont get stuck on one particular stage. Staying in anger, denial, begging for too long isnt healthy and we can become addicted to our own sorrow. Feeling hurt is ok as long as you can move on and have hope for the future. I'm 8 months separated, and I still bounce around between denial/anger/begging/acceptance sometimes. But the thing is, the pain has gotten less. As long as you are making progress, then all's good. But if you dont see any improvements at all (and in the beginning it's really hard to notice them), but if you can smile or think about something else for a second, then a minute, then an hour, then a day, then a week, then a month, well you are improving! Also, bouncing between stages is perfectly normal. You dont go through them one by one, but you bounce around a lot. Eventually you stay in the acceptance stage longer and longer. I dont think the sorrow will ever disappear completely, but it wont be the focus of your attention forever, and that's what is important. Very well articulated dgiirl!! Link to post Share on other sites
JS17 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 thanks dgiirl...that was very helpful Sorry for the threadjack scobro Link to post Share on other sites
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