xxbaddgurl83xx Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 My fiance and I have been broken up for about 3 weeks now. We broke up because he found out that I cheated on him. He found out that I cheated on him back in June but he decided that he wanted to try to stay together and work things out. We would fight all the time and he would constantly bring up the past which caused a lot of conflict between us. Last month him and I had a little fight which turned into a huge fight about me cheating. We decided that we are just not meant to be together right now so we broke up. We both love each other very much and would love to get back together to work things out but its just too hard right now for the both of us. I talked to him today and he told me that he needs to see a change in me before he could consider us getting back together. I don't understand what he means? He told me that he wants me to go to counseling to get my emotions straight, so I started going to counseling and now he is telling me that I'm not taking it serious!! I haven't been with anyone since we broke up, or since he found out about the cheating. I am going to counseling like he requested but nothing seems good enough from him. I feel like I have to bend over backwards to try to make changes for "our" relationship while he is just sitting back not doing anything. I'm get frustrated. I feel like I will never make him happy no matter what I do. I just don't understand what he wants from me? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 Oh yeah, our conversation today ended up with us blowing up on each other over the phone and me basically telling him that I will never be good enough for him and I don't ever want to talk to him again. He is always telling me that I ruined his life and made him a shell of a person by what I did to him. He makes me feel like crap every time I talk to him and then he expects me to make changes to make him feel better about himself and to help our relationship. What about me? Shouldn't I be focusing on making myself a better person before I can focus on him or "us". He is always telling me that I am selfish but i just feel like it is the other way around. What do you think? I don't know what to do to him to prove to him that I love him and want our relationship to last. He is so close-minded. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Have you expressed regret or sorrow for the cheating? Maybe that's what he's looking for. Or did you just blow it off as a mistake and that's it? Why don't you just ask him what he expects from you? And you say he's just sitting back not doing anything...well, honey HE wasn't the one who broke the trust. He's going to expect you to prove himself to you now. Doesn't sound like you're up to the task though. Personally, if I were him I wouldn't want to marry someone who cheated on me while I was engaged. You don't sound ready for marriage. And if you're having big fights and arguments about the past BEFORE you're even married, it will never, NEVER last. You're not emotionally mature enough for marriage. You really should end it and let this guy go. I doubt you can ever fix this for the long-term. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I feel like I will never make him happy no matter what I do. I just don't understand what he wants from me? Here's the kicker. You are absolutely right. You won't ever make him happy - and here's why: what he wants changed lies in himself: he wants the relationship he had in his mind and heart before the cheating happened. He wants the 'uncheat' - the person he knew you as before it happened, not the person you became for him in his heart after it happened. He cannot accept that you cheated - he sees you as a different person now, even though you are YOU regardless of what you do or don't do. The idealized illusion he had of you in his heart was shattered, and he wants the illusion back. Reality came crashing in, and irrevocably changed his heart. It can't be turned back, and he has to understand that - he has to understand that the only direction is forward and he has as much work to do as you do to make a better future for you both. He isn't wrong for how he feels and can't be blamed for it - but he needs to not see it as 'right/wrong' 'justified/unjustified' and look at it as: what can we both do to work together. Your relationship is different now. He needs to break out of the 'old relationship' mold, and work with you toward building a new one. It is good you are getting counseling, to help work on whatever it was that led you in that direction - but he has to let go of the idea that 'uncheating' exists, and he has to be willing to set aside his pristine illusion of you and accept the person you are: a human capable of making human mistakes and bad decisions. A person who is not above wrongdoing, and a person who is worthy of forgiveness and redemption. You can do your part to show him this, but he has to do his part to be willing to see it. Its good that you are doing your part, but if he cannot let this go, he will never learn to trust you and in turn will never really love you in the same way again. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Oh yeah, our conversation today ended up with us blowing up on each other over the phone and me basically telling him that I will never be good enough for him and I don't ever want to talk to him again. He is always telling me that I ruined his life and made him a shell of a person by what I did to him. He makes me feel like crap every time I talk to him and then he expects me to make changes to make him feel better about himself and to help our relationship. What about me? Shouldn't I be focusing on making myself a better person before I can focus on him or "us". He is always telling me that I am selfish but i just feel like it is the other way around. What do you think? I don't know what to do to him to prove to him that I love him and want our relationship to last. He is so close-minded. You may not be ABLE to prove that to him. When you cheated on him you weren't proving to him that "I love him and want our relationship to last." You may have to accept the fact that when you "play, you pay." Yes, you should focus on yourself before you can focus on a relationship. But it doesn't sound like he wants to waste more time waiting for you to get your act together. Let him move on if you really love him. You caused irreparable damage it sounds like to me. He may never be able to trust you again and you will resent that. If you're really not selfish you would let him go. You caused him enough pain don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 Hot Coco, you are entitled to your opinion and that is fine. I respect that. But I feel like you are doing nothing but putting me down. I know what I did was wrong and I hate myself for hurting him the way that I did but I just feel like you are making it sound like he doesn't deserve someone as terrible as me. Maybe I am just misinterpreting it but that is the impression I am getting. He wants us to work things out but nothing I do is good enough for him which is just becoming frustrating. He doesn't want to let me go and I don't want to let him go either. Yes I did cheat, but the damage is done. If I could go back and change everything I would but unfortunatly I can't. All I can do now if make a vow to him that it will never happen again and work from that. What do YOU suggest I do to make things better for my relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Normally I agree with LB but I have to disagree in this case. It's lame to put the blame on him for being cheated on, or expecting loyalty. It's a sad state of affairs when it's a flaw for a person to expect their partner to be faithful to them. He has every right to be upset and demand redemption to continue the relationship. He's not the close-minded one here. In fact, I'd say he's pretty open-minded for giving you a second chance after the first time you cheated. It sounds like you're not taking any responsibility for the cheating which, I would imagine, is a big part of what he wants from you. IMO, however, there's probably not much you can do at this point anyway. Just don't cheat twice on the next guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Normally I agree with LB but I have to disagree in this case. It's lame to put the blame on him for being cheated on, or expecting loyalty. It's a sad state of affairs when it's a flaw for a person to expect their partner to be faithful to them. He has every right to be upset and demand redemption to continue the relationship. He's not the close-minded one here. In fact, I'd say he's pretty open-minded for giving you a second chance after the first time you cheated. It sounds like you're not taking any responsibility for the cheating which, I would imagine, is a big part of what he wants from you. IMO, however, there's probably not much you can do at this point anyway. Just don't cheat twice on the next guy. I completely agree with everything here. Especially "It sounds like you're not taking any responsibility for the cheating..." That's the way I see it too. Sorry, that you felt I was putting you down. I was just giving my opinion since you asked. What should you do? Well, I'm afraid you won't like my answer. You should do everything he asks now. You should show remorse. When he questions you, you can't show anger. You have to regain his trust. You can't blame any of this on him. You have to take a certain amount of s-it from him now. Is he worth it all of that? Or are you going to tell him to f*** off, you're not going to spend your life trying to prove yourself? I don't think you're terrible. I just don't think you're ready for marriage. And sorry, I don't think he's ever going to get over it and you will always resent him not trusting you. It sounds like you paid the ultimate price (loss of this relationship) Link to post Share on other sites
Hot Coco Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 One more thing. Even the title of your thread says a lot. He wants ME to make changes before we get back together. Your emphasis on ME speaks volumes. It's like you're saying "The nerve of him to ask ME to make changes!" as if you've done nothing wrong. I know you're admitting you've done wrong but other things in your post and this title tell me that you don't REALLY take responsibility for it. Like he should just get over it already. As if he really has nerve to ask you to make changes. See what I'm saying. Please don't think I'm mean...just some things to think about since you DID ask. I could say wow, the NERVE of him to expect you to change. He should accept you exactly how you are. Just tell him you won't do it again. He's being a big jerk to not understand that it was a mistake. It just happened. People make mistakes...is that what you want to hear? It wouldn't be honest of me to say those things though. Sorry if my being honest hurts you. I'd want an honest opinion even if I didn't like the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Have you talked to your counselor about your b/f's side of things? You ask what you can do - has your counselor suggested anything in terms of what you can do to help him regain trust, or what he can do to help himself regain trust? Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Your emphasis on ME speaks volumes. It's like you're saying "The nerve of him to ask ME to make changes!" as if you've done nothing wrong. I know you're admitting you've done wrong but other things in your post and this title tell me that you don't REALLY take responsibility for it. Like he should just get over it already. As if he really has nerve to ask you to make changes. See what I'm saying. Another good point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 Well actually my counselor and everyone else is supporting this break up. My counselor feels that I was in a very unhealthy relationship. He feels that I cheated because obviously something was missing from the relationship. He said that there must have been something lacking to lead me in that direction to be unfaithful. He said that when a partner is unfaithful it is unjust to blame it entirely on the unfaithful party because the other person in the relationship may not have been giving it their all to keep their partner happy. I'm not sure if this makes sense or if it is just my counselors theory. My counselor feels that as long as my boyfriend dwells on the past we will never be able to have a happy and healthy future together. He basically told me that the best way to regain my fiance's trust is to be honest with him from here on out and never cheat on him again, remind him constantly that he is who I love and he is who I want to be with. My counselor hasn't really focused so much on him and I, his main focus is me and what I can do to make things better for myself whether it be with or without my fiance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 When I emphasised the word "ME" in my topic I was basically saying that I am not the only person who needs to work on making our relationship better. I left out the fact that he has a problem with alcohol and his anger. When we get into argument's, even before all the cheating surfaced, he would throw things, punch holes in walls and break stuff. When he found out about the cheating he hit me. It only happened once and I understood that he was angry about what happened so I forgave him. I think he needs to focus on getting his anger under control before he can be in a relationship with anybody. I am trying to do everything that I can to make him happy because I am afraid to make him mad. He started going to counseling too so maybe that will help with his issues but it bothers me how he tells me that I'm not doing anything to make myself better when I am doing the same thing he is doing. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 And you want to stay in this relationship because why exactly? Find someone who doesn't beat you and you won't have to worry about being "driven" to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author xxbaddgurl83xx Posted November 2, 2005 Author Share Posted November 2, 2005 In all honestly I think the reason I am so determined to be in this relationship is because I know that it has the potential to be good. It started off good and it turned bad over time. I guess I feel that if I keep holding on to him than things will go back to the way they were when we first met. Before the anger and before the cheating. I guess I'm only fooling myself to believe that something like that is possible! When things are good with us they are wonderful and I feel like I am on top of the world but when things are bad they are worse. Every time we fight or break up the only thing that goes through my head are all the good times. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Whatever it is - I hope that you will find counseling to be helpful - not as a way to 'win him back', but to reveal why it is you want to hold on to this relationship in the first place. You may not be ready for it, but I hope your counselor can help you 'fix' and not help you 'perpetuate brokenness'. Even if you and your b/f break up - consider continuing your counseling. You may well find a brighter path ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
mini696 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 I dont think there is anything you can do. He has made the decision not to forgive you for the cheating, and with him being an abuser you should thank your stars that you have this opertunity to move on. No matter how good you think the relationship could be, the actions both of you have shown in it speaks volumes. Personally I think you do come of as selfish in your posts. With the general overtone of them being focussed on yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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