Need some advice...

[bfunk]

Hello all,

I'm new to the forums and was wanting to ask you all for some advice. I'm going to forwarn any potential readers of this thread, that it is going to be a long one because there is a lot information I need to get out. Here it goes...

 

Exactly two months ago my girlfriend and I of two years broke up. There was no warning, no signs, just out of know where she called me and broke up with over the phone. She wouldn't talk to me in person about it, because she claims that she felt ashamed and was not strong enough to do it in person. This was obviously a very hard thing to take, especially given that she really never gave me an explanation.

 

Now to give you all some background information... As I said her and I had dated for 2 years. We started dating when we were both 22 and the first two months were great as they are in any relationship. After an aweful trip to Vegas, which I won't get into, we broke up for two days, at which point she asked me to take her back and that she loved me. For the next 6 months things were great to my knowledge. In the begining of April the following year, she had a lot to much to drink one night and came into the bar that I work in and broke up with me saying that she didn't love me anymore. Again, it was very sudden and I knew nothing about why she did it. Well over the course of the next week and half, we talked a few times, and agreed to meet in person. We had a few too many beers that night and you can guess where things went from there. Low and behold we were back together, but we never once discussed what the problems that led to the break up were. Also it is important to note that at this point in time we were more or less living with one another.

 

For the next two months, things were great, or so I thought. Almost 2 months to the day that we had gotten back together she broke up with me saying that she was not in love with etc... This was in June of last summer (04). Over the course of the next 3 months we talked every now and again, but nothing productive was ever said. In July of that same summer, she called me begging me to hang out with her and again we had a few to many drinks and ended up back at my place. We spent the following 3 days with one another, where she said that no matter what happened between the two of us that she would love me for the rest of her life. At the end of these 3 days, she left saying that we were doing nothing but reliving old memories, and we shouldn't be doing what we were doing, and again I was heartbroken. At the end of this 3 month period in early September of 04 she had made several attempts to call me which I was ignoring. I just wanted to get past everything and try to move on. Then low and behold she came into the bar I work at one night and gave me a letter that basically said she had realized all these things, and had found herself again etc... So after taking a week or so to think about it, I decided to take her back. Again we never once discussed what had really led to the break up in the first place, and what were the problems with our relationship.

 

For the next year, the relationship was so much better than it had been the first year. She truly did seem happier, and I really think that we appricieated each other that much more. On two occasions during this year, the first in Janurary and the second in June, she had brought up to me that she wasn't sure if this was what she wanted, and was generally confused about our relationship. Both times however we seemed to resolve it by talking, or so I thought. During this whole time I had, as stupid as it sounds, become addicted to a video game, and although I was never a good physical speciman, I kind of let myself go. Not caring about anything else, including her. I had no motivation to better myself, or to go out, or pretty much anything except play that stupid video game. For those of you wondering what game it was, it was World of Warcraft, fun game but very addicting.

 

So as I said at the begining, we broke up once again just shy of our two year anniversary on September 3rd of this year. She moved her stuff out the following day, and that was that...or so I thought. The weeks following our breakup, all I did was blame things on her, without looking at myself and who I had been this past year as atleast a possible cause of our breakup. One day about 3 weeks after we broke up I realized something... I hadn't been a great boyfriend for the past year. I didn't apprieciate her, I had no urge to do the things that I said I would do, or even be romantic. In the light of this conclusion I decided to right her a letter saying all these things. Not in an effort to get her back, but to let her know how much I loved her, and how it took something like me losing one of the most important things in my life to realize that I needed to change. I gave this letter to her mother, whom I am still very close with, to give to her when she was ready....

 

Later that week we spoke for the first time in a month and it went really well. She had gotten the letter and apprieciated the things that were said in it, but was still not certain of what life had in store for the both of us as a couple. As the weeks progressed we have talked more and more. That brings us up to present time. For those of you who are wondering, I did quit playing that video game and have started getting in shape. I have now lost 20 lbs this past month, and have really started to get my life together. I also got my first career type job which is also working out great. A big problem for us had always been me working at nights and only seeing her once or twice a week. These past few phone converstations have gone wonderfully. We have been being honest with each other, telling each other things that we would have never said while we were together. Last week she dropped a bombshell on me...That was that the first year that we were together, she had cheated on me...twice. This as I'm sure you can imagine was not an easy pill to swallow but I did. We talked about it, why it happened and what her motivation was for telling me. To be honest with you, it hurts, but it hasn't really shattered my trust with her. In my mind I consider the first year we were together a totatlly different relationship than this past year. Things were so much better this past year. It doesn't excuse what she did, and if we were to try again, it something that would have to be discussed in greater detail.

 

Anyway these past two weeks we have talked a lot, and she has admitted to me that she has hope that we can work these things out. And that she is confused on what exactly she should do, if all the things that both of us are working on have in fact changed we both feel it would work, on the other hand we are both scared to be hurt again. I set a weightloss goal for myself of losing 20 lbs before I would agree to see her. Well I have lost that 20 lbs, and we are talking about getting together in person. We have disscussed coffee and maybe a movie, sound like a good idea to you all? Anyway I guess my question is, does anyone have any advice on a situation like this, and if so am I making a mistake? My heart tells me no, and that if I love her, I should fight for her, prove it to both myself and her that I can stick by what I say. Also, is this only going to end in more heartache by not getting over her? Anyway I'm pretty lost any help would be welcomed.