Still_In_Love Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Hey, I have read some recent messages here and some people think that if NC is done, the dumper will forget about us or think we don't care anymore. I would love to hear some input from others and what they think. Are those who have been dumped and did NC really forgotten by the dumper? give your honest opinion. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 I think it depends on the personality of the ex and why you broke up. If they broke up with you because they felt you neglected to spend time with them and showed too much indifference and lack of interest then yes strict NC would convey to them that you didn´t care about them enough to try to make more time for them. I think establishing to them to an extent that you are not indifferent to them is important but at the same time respecting the decision they have made. So yes NC could likely backfire on you in this case. If on the other hand your dumper´s personality is such that they need reverse psychology to get them to do something then NC would not allow them to forget about you. I have been in a position of wanting to break up with someone (not really wanting to) and she used reverse psychology to get me back. I find that people need to use reverse psychology on me to get me to do what they want. Link to post Share on other sites
AC874 Posted November 2, 2005 Share Posted November 2, 2005 Im new to NC. But I imagine that a person with whom you have shared many fond memories .. these things truly dont go away after a long time. If you had a good relantionship and somewhat of an amicable break-up... its ok to hope, I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 you cannot forget about someone no matter if you do NC or not.....can you forget them? No.....no matter how long or short the relationship, no one "forgets" .Unless they have some kind of amnesia! I could never forget my exes...and I know they will not forget me. NC 100% depends on the person you are doing it to. Some do not care and are glad you are doing it if they have somone else, others freak and end up calling you asking what is up after so long. My experience and my friends......exes always call or contact you over time......once things have blown over.......sometimes not to get back, but curiosity kills them! Link to post Share on other sites
ZQRXY Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 I am trying no contact know. I want to get back with my ex, but she has stated that the possibilities are slim, and not for a couple years. We were together for five years, and engaged to be married. She left and said its over. She has been there done that, and wants something new. I hope by giving her space and working on myself, in a few months, like 6, I can approach her and try to reconcile with her, assuming I still want to. I think that if I don't let her go and have her space, she will feel like we have not been apart. I am going to do the no contact thing, except on major holidays I will call her to say hi. Once she has had some space away with no contact, I feel it MIGHT increase my chances. Keeping my fingers crossed. Yuo can read my story and "want her back, do I stand a chance? Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Yeah i´m doing reduced contact with my ex gf now. I don´t plan on contacting her until thanksgiving. If she calls before then I´ll take the call. Since we are friends I call all my friends on the holidays to wish them happy thanksgiving, etc and I will do the same with her. The chances of us getting back together as lovers is 50-50. She too has been going to family and friends for advice on whether or not she should take me back. Some have told her yes others have told her no. I just hope that whatever decision she makes she makes on her own and not because of outside influences. Her parents seemed happy to see me when I visited her friday and they thought it was nice of me to buy her flowers. Her mom told me she sure missed me after 2 months. That´s nice that her parents still like me and all but I wasn´t dating them I was dating their daughter. No I am not getting them to talk to her on my behalf. She has to make those decisions on her own. Link to post Share on other sites
Jennifer509 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 It's been almost 5 months of NC for me and I was the dumpee. This is our second big breakup. First time I was the dumper and he came back 4 months later and I ran back to him. We lasted 8 months but lost our connection - then I don't know what happened - he just decided he couldn't go on so I asked him "What do you want?" and he said it was over. I didn't beg or plead - I just said ok and that was it. It wasn't what either one of us wanted but my pride would not let me beg - I just walked away. Maybe he came back to turn the tables and dump me. I thought by now he'd call but he hasn't. I still love him and I want so badly to reconcile and make it work. I've had time to think ALOT about things and I regret some things I did (I wouldn't commit). I'd give anything if he called - I'd even take him up on his previous offer of marriage. As time goes by it gets worse - I miss him and I still love him but he dumped me and didn't seem to care. This hurt me alot. If I called him he'd be on a power trip over it. I sit hoping one day he'll come back - we're both in our mid 40's so it's not like we're both twenty-something and can rush out and find what we're looking for. Pickin's are slim at my age (43). Think he'll ever call again? He shocked me the first time we broke up - he showed up 4 months later and I thought I'd never hear from him again. He swallowed his pride and asked for me back. Now I don't think he'll come back. But I want him back. What should I do? Sit and wait hoping curiosity gets the better of him? I thought about sending him a card - not asking for him back but saying I think about him and miss him. But I also don't want to be rejected - when I've apologized in the past he's tortured me over it so I'm very leery. I've made it almost 5 months and if he rejected me now I'd be devistated. He might be over me and not wanting to get back together - I don't know. You always imagine the worst (like they've moved on and are dating rock stars). I'm miserable without him. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 something I have learned after doing NC again and again......you should not have to "trick" someone into wanting you....if someone does not wnt you now, chances are....they will not want you after NC. hy would you want to love someone that was not sure if they wanted to be with you? your ex said she wants something new??? and you want her still??? why so that she can date someone else and come back to you when that does not work out???? THink about what you are saying? It is ok to walk all over me....if you are not what she wants now then YOU move on! Link to post Share on other sites
mini696 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 NC is more about moving on with your life and stopping a cyclic nature of pain and hurt. There is never a perfect solution to anything, and breakups are the worst thing to find reasons for. Some people will accuse you of not caring, some will give you respect for not hounding them. I agree with Grace saying that if you were dumped for not paying attention then NC will enforce that feeling, however if it was because you were clingy, then NC might help. Saying all that, NC should only be used for people to move on with their lives. Its not a solution to get someone back and regain their love. The memories will always be there. Link to post Share on other sites
ZQRXY Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Beth, We were friends for about three years prior to going out. We moved in together in the same house as friends. We then became lovers and were engaged to be married. We have mutual friend, and she is not out trying to get into a relationship with anyone. Nor is she out hookin' up. She is rekindling old riendships and living her life. Believe me, my life is not on hold for her for a minute. I am living my life as a single, good looking, well to do peron that is just having fun and enjoying life. Just because there was a breakup, does not mean we are not meant to be. I love her, I st her free, and she wil return. I don't care even if she has hooked up with someone else. Who knows, maybe I will to. I am 26, she is 27, what ever happens happens, and I will love her regardless. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Often times, when you are true to NC form and display some serious self-control throughout...meaning you do not respond to half-a$$ed messages from the ex (lets face it, unless they are exclaiming they made a mistake, theres nothing to chat about anymore) and you dont reach for lame-o excuses to stalk them...then you are not only getting yourself onto a more respected foot (not settling for crumbs says a lot about your dignity) but youre also paving the way for a baggage-free future and a faster recovery. As for the ex, they are DEFINITELY going to wonder about you and trust me, nothing short of amnesia (which you dont have to worry about unless youre on a soap opera) is going to allow your ex to forget you. If anything else, the very element of your disappearance is going to trigger curiousity and may actually cause them to seek you out to confirm youre ok (or perhaps more, as in my case). Mystery can be a wonderful thing, cuz everyone loves a mystery. Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Here's a good link about No Contact. Especially what it says in the first paragraph. [COLOR=#800080]NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY_DISORDER[/COLOR] Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Here's a good link about No Contact. Especially what it says in the first paragraph. [COLOR=#800080]NARCISSISTIC_PERSONALITY_DISORDER[/COLOR] Can I take this link and post it all over the place on this site to get the message across? I wish we had an entire section called "NO CONTACT" so those who have yet to see the light will do so very quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Say what are the benefits of having no contact with the threads dealing with the subject of no contact? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Still_In_Love Posted November 4, 2005 Author Share Posted November 4, 2005 Say what are the benefits of having no contact with the threads dealing with the subject of no contact? The benefits? You heal and move on! My original question for this post was to know if those who dump people remember them...my question was answered. I must say to J Dub, I have read many of your posts and really took what you said to heart and I am really happy you are offering advise...I still hurt abit but I have moved on. More importantly, I have regained respect for ME!! Keep posting!! You have a great gift to offer to people! Just want to say thanks to a gem! Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 I must say to J Dub, I have read many of your posts and really took what you said to heart and I am really happy you are offering advise...I still hurt abit but I have moved on. More importantly, I have regained respect for ME!! Keep posting!! You have a great gift to offer to people! Just want to say thanks to a gem! Aww that made me blush Thank you I'm glad I was able to help in some form! Link to post Share on other sites
whereismylifegoing Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 I must say to J Dub, I have read many of your posts and really took what you said to heart and I am really happy you are offering advise... she is great and i really mean it. and i'm not being sarcastic. and what a hottie she is. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 had a small setback last night. Had a date and came home and cried over the ex! I hate that! I did not break NC, but has anyone stuck to NC and then one day realized that it had worked and your thoughts of the ex were fading and the longing for them is too? Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 and what a hottie she is. I second that!! Link to post Share on other sites
scobro Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 had a small setback last night. Had a date and came home and cried over the ex! I hate that! I did not break NC, but has anyone stuck to NC and then one day realized that it had worked and your thoughts of the ex were fading and the longing for them is too? Beth that sucks I have sort of followed your pre and post date threads and thought you were almost over the pain of your ex.Did you find yourself upset because this date doesn't really compare to the ex at all and you find that upsetting in a way?. I have had NC with my ex for almost a month but yesterday I saw her at the gym and completely ignored her like she was not there luckily I was training a client at the time so I can look pre-occupied and she cannot really come over and talk but she walked right by accidently on purpose;) and I didn't look at her she was non-factor.I was coming out of the change room and as luck would have it I literally bumped into her (of all people at the gym )she said hey in a pissed off way because I ignored her and I just said hey back and walked away.It felt good to finally have some control because she seemed to call the shots on the whole ending now I can control things from my end now and that bothers her and I didn't go home and think about how much i miss her etc.So the NC is tough but it works I am 100% better than I was before NC it's the only way for me.My ex wants to be 'buddies' but screw that it's just so she doesn't feel so guilty for the way she ended our marriage.Good luck with future dates Beth. Link to post Share on other sites
smile95 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 thanks-I am not sure why I was upset...I do not miss the ex, but miss what I built him up to be., No one can compare to the perfectr person I built up I guess! lol I am still very interested in him...It has only been 7 days, what do I expect? I know that I do not miss the ex, but I miss the attraction and lust we felt. I am all confused now! I need to let things just flow and not overanalyze too much. I wish I knew why I cried? Maybe it is just realizing that really this time it IS over. After him coming back 9 times, that is hard to realize! Link to post Share on other sites
JohnJohn Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Can I take this link and post it all over the place on this site to get the message across? I wish we had an entire section called "NO CONTACT" so those who have yet to see the light will do so very quickly. Absolutely. That's a good idea about the section called No Contact. I wonder if sending a message to the Administrator suggesting that would be a good idea? I've read some of your posts too. You offer great advice. Much obliged. Link to post Share on other sites
sundrop Posted November 5, 2005 Share Posted November 5, 2005 Absolutely. That's a good idea about the section called No Contact. I wonder if sending a message to the Administrator suggesting that would be a good idea? The sad part about doing that is..... People would still question what is NC....And apply all the twist to why they should break it, as we see to often here on The Shack. Link to post Share on other sites
J dub Posted November 5, 2005 Share Posted November 5, 2005 The sad part about doing that is..... People would still question what is NC....And apply all the twist to why they should break it, as we see to often here on The Shack. Ugh good point. There's always the someone who's "the exception" to the rule/principle/whatever. Thanks for the comments, fellas.. that was nice of you Link to post Share on other sites
grace2005 Posted November 6, 2005 Share Posted November 6, 2005 I just read lost_in_chgo 's version 5 of "lost guide to no contact policy" I think each version gets better and better. It really clarifies alot of things. His thread on the lost guide to no contact is all you need. He wrote it on september 8th 2005. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t70200/ Link to post Share on other sites
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