Is 9 months too soon to agree to buy a house?

[Mr TTT]

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 10 months and last month she suggested we buy a house together. In short i agreed as she wouldve ended the relationship as we both want dufferent things. I know it was wrong but i just panicked and agreed.

 

For context, shes been single for 2 years and i have been seperated from my wife for 14months although we still lived together for reasons that helped us both out with childcare. We are fine and happily divorced. I dont want to get married again so buying a house after marriage isnt an option as i know some people think that way.

We live an hour away from each other and dont see her aa often as i like due to work and both having parental responsibilities.

She will move to my area which then takes her children 1 hour from her dad who isnt the nicest of blokes, so the blowback is a concern.

Part of me wants my own space, im currently living with my dad having only moved out the marital home 6 months ago which my ex wife kept. The issue is she will probably end the relationship if i say no.

I do love her but i feel we need more time as a couple before taking the plunge with such a big decision but she wants it all now.

Any advice is appreciated

 

Edited January 23, 2023 by Mr TTT

[ShyViolet]

Umm yes, buying a house with someone you have only been dating for 10 months is a horrible idea.  It's irresponsible and reckless.  At 10 months of dating, you are still getting to know the person.  You have no idea whether the two of you are compatible enough to enter a lifelong commitment.  

You agreed to this because "she would have ended the relationship if you said no"... that is not a valid reason to enter into a commitment like this.  If she would end the relationship just because you won't buy a house with her at 10 months of dating, then you have to accept her ending the relationship then.  Because that's just insane.

[FMW]

Yes, 9 months into a relationship is far too soon to buy a house together.  Owning property together involves legal and financial ties.  Not something you do with someone you don't really know that well. And someone who would threaten ending the relationship if you didn't take this step at the 9 month mark is not someone you want to have any kind of legal or financial relationship with.   

The fact that you both have children is a huge reason to not be rushing into things, it's not just the two of you that have to deal with the consequences of what you do.  

I would think that being given such an ultimatum would be a huge turnoff, not something that would make you give in just to keep her around.   

[glows]

I’d be concerned that she’s using you to move further away from her children’s father which isn’t necessarily quite fair on the children nor would it improve coparenting between the two of them. Massive red flag there, I’m afraid. Why is their coparenting so hostile? You mention blowback or he’s not the nicest.

Much of this seems like a panicked escape and the danger is sweeping a lot of issues under the carpet. Living together exacerbates and usually multiplies issues exponentially. You’re already at odds now with fear of an ex in the background. Can you imagine living with a woman who has a host of issues already originating with her and her ex, not including your differences between the two of you in a relationship?

Tread carefully and think about what’s best for your own well-being and that of your kids.

[NuevoYorko]

Definitely too early and compounded badly by the fact that you said yes because of fear she'd break up with you if you hadn't.   Not the way to go into such a huge commitment.  

[Mrin]

This idea is right up there with make your own change night. Bad idea. Really bad idea. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, way too early. Nine months in, you could still be in the infatuation stage. You and her have been on your best (better than best) behavior. I think you have to go long enough to get out of infatuation. You need to go through some arguments, some serious disagreements, through one or both of you getting sick (see how the other responds) and on and on.

Only after you've gone through some gritty times can you know that you know her and she knows you well enough to commit to a house. On a more practical level, you really can destroy a relationship by entering into financial entanglement so early on in the relationship. You are really risking disaster. 

When it's time to buy a house with someone, then you wouldn't be asking the questions you're asking. 

Don't dive off the cliff. 

Really wait til you're ready to get married. In my view, that's how close you need to be before buying a house with someone. Keep in mind that all kinds of friendships get destroyed by joint purchases. And negotiating bills is one of the most difficult parts of marriage. 

Edited January 24, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[JTSW]

19 hours ago, Mr TTT said:

she suggested we buy a house together. In short i agreed as she wouldve ended the relationship as we both want different things.

So you agreed so she wouldn't end the relationship?

That is not a reason to buy a house.

If she is the sort of person to do that if you say no to something then she is a not a person worth being with. 

She doesn't sound right for you at all.

It's a recipe for disaster.

[BaileyB]

Yes, it’s absolutely too soon to buy a house with this woman. Very, very bad idea. 

[Els]

 Definitely too early, especially if you don't really want it and she is pressuring for it. That being said...

On 1/24/2023 at 12:13 AM, Mr TTT said:

im currently living with my dad having only moved out the marital home 6 months ago which my ex wife kept.

Is it at all possible that she might be open to a compromise that lies between "buying a house together" and "you living with your dad"? I can't exactly blame her for not wanting to carry on dating a man (presumably in his 30s or beyond) who has been living with his dad for 6 months. If you moved out of your dad's but didn't buy a house with her either, will that work?

[Mr TTT]

2 hours ago, S2B said:

If this is her deal breaker then end it.

no one should have to buy a house with someone to continue any relationship.

it screams that many things are wrong with dating this person.

It wasn't as brutal as buy a house or we break up but more "if you don't want to then we are in different stages of life and we will go our seperate ways".

Still, it's the same but there was no anomosity.

I know it's way too soon, just needed to hear it from people not connected to me.

Thank you

[Mr TTT]

2 hours ago, Els said:

 Definitely too early, especially if you don't really want it and she is pressuring for it. That being said...

Is it at all possible that she might be open to a compromise that lies between "buying a house together" and "you living with your dad"? I can't exactly blame her for not wanting to carry on dating a man (presumably in his 30s or beyond) who has been living with his dad for 6 months. If you moved out of your dad's but didn't buy a house with her either, will that work?

Since leaving the marital home, I always intended to buy a house however the uncertainty of the housing market and interest rates put a halt to that. She has always known that I intended to buy my own place this spring, but she wants to share a home with me. I said yes I would as she said if I don't, then we are in different places in our lives, and we are to go our seperate ways. There was no animosity from her but just her conscious thoughts and needs. I know it was wrong and I just panicked. She has a heart of gold, and I don't want to lose her. However, I know it's far too soon to commit to such a big financial commitment. I think I just needed to hear it from someone who isn't connected to me in order to know that I have no regrets if we do break up as I know what I want and need.

Thanks 😊 

[Mr TTT]

14 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Definitely too early and compounded badly by the fact that you said yes because of fear she'd break up with you if you hadn't.   Not the way to go into such a huge commitment.  

I agree, she said we are in different places in our lives and that she was ready to share her life with me. However if I still wanted to have my own place then we want different things and we would go our seperate ways. It wasn't said with any malice, it was just what she wants.

[Els]

23 minutes ago, Mr TTT said:

Since leaving the marital home, I always intended to buy a house however the uncertainty of the housing market and interest rates put a halt to that. She has always known that I intended to buy my own place this spring, but she wants to share a home with me. I said yes I would as she said if I don't, then we are in different places in our lives, and we are to go our seperate ways. There was no animosity from her but just her conscious thoughts and needs. I know it was wrong and I just panicked. She has a heart of gold, and I don't want to lose her. However, I know it's far too soon to commit to such a big financial commitment. I think I just needed to hear it from someone who isn't connected to me in order to know that I have no regrets if we do break up as I know what I want and need.

Thanks 😊 

That gives more context to it, thanks.

I said that I think it's too early for you two to buy together and I still feel that way... however, again it seems like you're only considering two extremes? I can understand a long-term partner feeling a bit concerned if you are buying your own house without involving them. As in, if you buy the house and then you two want to own a house together next year, what are you going to do? You probably can't sell the house without a big loss, considering the uncertainty of the housing market. And you can put her name on the deed, sure, but it won't really be HER house, because she was not involved in choosing it.

In your position, if I saw a potential future with this person, I would just rent for a year and then revisit the house purchase together. Is this not an option? If not, why not?

Also, do you EVER see yourself living with a partner, even 2 years or 3 years down the line? If you don't, you definitely should go your separate ways, and you should probably tell your next partner this at the very start of the dating process.

[MsJayne]

On 1/24/2023 at 12:13 AM, Mr TTT said:

The issue is she will probably end the relationship if i say no.

 

41 minutes ago, Mr TTT said:

I said yes I would as she said if I don't, then we are in different places in our lives, and we are to go our seperate ways. There was no animosity from her but just her conscious thoughts and needs.

 

You are being manipulated. Rent a house together and see whether you're actually domestically compatible before taking that huge financial step. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Mr TTT said:

she said we are in different places in our lives and that she was ready to share her life with me

That would tell me that her idea of "sharing a life" is idealistic and not based on measured, mature, decision-making.  Sharing a life doesn't mean one should jump into such a huge legal and financial commitment when the honeymoon phase hasn't even worn off yet. 

I would be wary about her, I'm sorry to say. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mr TTT said:

 "if you don't want to then we are in different stages of life and we will go our seperate ways".

Unfortunately trying to fast forward a relationship this much is invariably a red flag. Add to that the thinly veiled ultimatum. Step back and proceed with caution.

Edited January 24, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alvi]

Do not buy a property with anybody who is not your spouse. In any case, it way too soon to guy a house with someone that you've been dating for only 10 month. What if you guys break up a month or two (or even a year or two) down the road? In any case, do you want to continue dating a person who throws some ultimatums your way?

On 1/23/2023 at 7:13 AM, Mr TTT said:

Part of me wants my own space, im currently living with my dad having only moved out the marital home 6 months ago which my ex wife kept. The issue is she will probably end the relationship if i say no.

On 1/23/2023 at 7:13 AM, Mr TTT said:

I do love her but i feel we need more time as a couple before taking the plunge with such a big decision but she wants it all now.

What's the rush? She is not thinking about the consequences, obviously. Do what's best for you and your kids. And if she ends the relationship, so be it. How much is she willing to contribute for the house? Is it roughly the same as you or she expects you to put more money into it (downpayment and mortgage). Maybe she should buy a house without you if she wants or needs a house.

P.S. Might be better to move out of your dad's place. Just an opinion, nothing more.

[Acacia98]

12 hours ago, Mr TTT said:

It wasn't as brutal as buy a house or we break up but more "if you don't want to then we are in different stages of life and we will go our seperate ways".

Even if we were to determine that you were at the same stage in life, ten months would be way to soon to buy a house together. Heck, many would consider it way too soon to move into a rented home together.

So I don't think that the issue is necessarily that you're at different stages in life. I think it's that she's not pragmatic regarding how to best build a healthy long-term commitment and make major financial decisions.

[Mr TTT]

5 hours ago, Alvi said:

Do not buy a property with anybody who is not your spouse. In any case, it way too soon to guy a house with someone that you've been dating for only 10 month. What if you guys break up a month or two (or even a year or two) down the road? In any case, do you want to continue dating a person who throws some ultimatums your way?

What's the rush? She is not thinking about the consequences, obviously. Do what's best for you and your kids. And if she ends the relationship, so be it. How much is she willing to contribute for the house? Is it roughly the same as you or she expects you to put more money into it (downpayment and mortgage). Maybe she should buy a house without you if she wants or needs a house.

P.S. Might be better to move out of your dad's place. Just an opinion, nothing more.

My plan was always to buy my own place this spring, she knew this when we started dating.

She has her own house and would be contributing more deposit wise.

I know its too soon, its just hard but i know.

[JTSW]

13 hours ago, Mr TTT said:

It wasn't said with any malice, it was just what she wants.

It's still a form of blackmail.

If she loved you she wouldn't say something like that.

[BaileyB]

 

5 hours ago, Mr TTT said:

My plan was always to buy my own place this spring, she knew this when we started dating.

This is a good plan - you need to establish your own place for yourself and your children when they come to stay. If she is a reasonable woman, she will understand and she will allow you this time. 

I hate to say it but you are at two different life stages - you are just out of a marriage and trying to establish yourself again (for yourself and your children) and she is ready to find a new partner and settle down together. Two very different life stages. 

Edited January 25, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

Even if we were to determine that you were at the same stage in life, ten months would be way to soon to buy a house together. Heck, many would consider it way too soon to move into a rented home together.

Agree, even if you were both 25 years old, had no children, and you were considering moving in together - it would be too soon to buy a home together and probably too soon to even live together.