Emotional Affairs

[Chibaby]

When are emotional affairs grounds for separating? So 20 years ago, my husband had an emotional affair with a coworker.  He claims nothing physical happened (she is now a happily married lesbian)…however, he broke off our engagement and spent the night at her house.  This is after secret phone calls, a way to close for comfort friendship, and her inviting him over to her hot tub on one occasion, I was not extended an invite. I have never gotten over this betrayal.

I was young and naive and I took him back, but it never felt right to me.  We ended up married with a family…and at this point, I am feeling a lot of regret,  anger, and resentment. I will probably need therapy.  I was young, and wanted the happy ever after. He is a great father and husband now, but I find I still cannot trust him.  He will be traveling for work extensively the next several weeks.  And now, there is another coworker who I find threatening and that oversteps her boundaries.  I don’t appreciate late night FaceTimes and texts that have innuendos - however innocent they may seem, or however he explains them away.
 

I also can’t leave very easily.  I feel trapped as we are living in Southern California and it’s very very expensive.  I quit my job to be a stay at home mom, because we had a nanny who left our kids home alone and we had to file charges against.  I have nothing to leave or support myself with.  Id probably make minimum wage at best, but then who takes my kids to school and picks them up?  I couldn’t afford a house or an apartment in our town.  Rent for a 1 bedroom is probably about 4K.  I also don’t want my children to suffer, but I’m not sure if I feel love for my husband anymore. I love him as a person, but I also don’t feel like he’s “the one” any longer.  I think if I left, people would think I’m insane because now “he’s such a great guy”….with a prestigious job….they just don’t feel what I feel, and didn’t suffer through the betrayals I did.  I need help.

Edited January 23, 2023 by Chibaby

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Chibaby said:

When are emotional affairs grounds for separating?

I also can’t leave very easily.  I feel trapped as we are living in Southern California and it’s very very expensive. 

If you live in California, it's well known that it's a "no fault" divorce state, so you don't need any grounds beyond a statement of irreconcilable differences or similar.

Other questions are more appropriate for a local lawyer in your specific jurisdiction within CA. That is unlikely to help with the financial situation, but c'est la vie.

FYI, many family/divorce lawyers will give free 1/2 hour consultations. If you're choosing to divorce (or even to explore some of the options for it) this allows you to get some of your questions answered for free and "shop" for a lawyer that you like.

IF you choose to go forward with a divorce, I'd suggest you be cognizant of anything that might upset your spouse/counter-party. Sometimes lawyers suggest things that seem reasonable on the surface, but actually are very upsetting to the spouse. This angers the other person (further) can sometimes result in unnecessary e.g. letters, and legal motions and counter-motions, all of which the lawyers get paid for.

An example of this is being served divorce papers at work. This surprises and humiliates a person in front of one of their most important peer groups (their co-workers) and no doubt often makes them feel attacked (and so more willing to "counter-attack" via the legal system). Yet lawyers recommend this destructive course of action all the time. Even a good lawyer typically won't mind earning more, and my layman's understanding is that many if not most divorces ultimately end in a negotiation that a judge approves the terms of, rather than an actual court case. While there may be necessary court actions prior to that, keeping them to the minimum may save you some money.

Edited January 23, 2023 by mark clemson

[JTSW]

On 1/23/2023 at 7:31 PM, Chibaby said:

he broke off our engagement and spent the night at her house.  This is after secret phone calls, a way to close for comfort friendship, and her inviting him over to her hot tub on one occasion

100% It got physical.

On 1/23/2023 at 7:31 PM, Chibaby said:

And now, there is another coworker who I find threatening and that oversteps her boundaries.  I don’t appreciate late night FaceTimes and texts that have innuendos

And now the same pattern is repeating itself.

He is most definitely not to be trusted.

He's likely been doing it for years with many others. 

[PotatoHead]

You need to let him know how you feel about this coworker.  He should understand given what happened in the past that he needs to respect your boundaries and put your feeling first in order to earn your trust.  If he does not do this, then no he is not being a great father and husband and you have every right to leave if you're feeling this way.  But you may want to try counseling first.

You should have no problem being awarded child support and/or alimony to ease your financial worries should you decide to divorce.  Talk to a lawyer.

[Lotsgoingon]

This is all up to you, but after 20 years, it's time to speak up loudly. Tell hubby about current woman and your lingering pain from  the woman 20 years ago.

If you're slow to leave, then why not give it a try and see if you can move past the old pain. I"m not saying you "should" let go that pain. I'm not sure everyone can do that. But people do do it everyday. 

[NuevoYorko]

Don't think of it as the woman "overstepping her boundaries."  Whatever boundaries there are or are not have been established (or not) by your husband.  

If you want to try to fix your marriage, it will be on both of you do work through it all.   He needs to keep strong boundaries for himself and enforce them with women and in other areas in life as well.   For you - you really can't be holding on to a situation that happened years ago and which you apparently forgave and moved on from.   If this has been tainting your whole life with him,  you can't expect a healthy marriage.

But maybe it's time for you to divorce, as painful and difficult as it may be.  If you are not both ready and willing to work on your marriage, don't just stay there because you need his financial support.  That will hurt both of you and your kids.