How to open up a heart

[Chrisite]

The man I am falling in love with doesn't know that I have feelings for him. I think I come across as a friend who is just nice. The man has a lot of anger inside of him and I think that he has a self destructive tendency. He has scars that were self inflicted, which only tells me that he is incapable of loving himself. He says that he has problems in relationships because he tends to be really nice in the beginning and then stops being nice, in a strange way punishing the women by taking away the love. I think he was abused as a child and he hates his parents. First I felt sorry for him because it's apparent that he can't love people in a normal way. But he has many friends who really love him and support him. The problem is that many of these friends don't see the anger and hatred that this man has. This worries me because in a strange way I feel that he abuses that support by hiding his true self...whatever that may be. I know he is loyal and true to his friends, but if he is hiding his true self, everything must be an act. No matter what, I find myself falling in love with him and I don't know what to do. Sometimes I feel like I can help him trust people by giving unconditional love, but at the same time I don't know whether he would just use me and take advantage of my support. Is there anyway I can help this person love himself? I was wondering whether anybody had prior experience with a person like this, or knows how to deal with people who have extremely hard times trusting and loving people. Thank you.

[odyne]

After reading your post, I am not sure how much I can help you, but I thought I could at least give you some links for more information. You seem to be a very aware person, a lot of the time people can't pick up on the anger of loved ones, it's obvious you care about him a lot and only want the best for him. I'm sure your support already helps him. It sounds like this guy has become good at hiding it, but he may still be suffering from whatever trauma he experienced as a child. Here are some links that could help you learn more about child abuse survivers and how to help them:

 

http://www.sidran.org/ (has listings of books on trauma and dissociation)

 

http://www.voiceofwomen.com/centerarticle.html (an article about diagnosis and treatment of dissociative disorders)

 

http://dolphin.upenn.edu/~prentice/trauma.html (more links)

 

http://www.trauma-pages.com/index.phtml

 

I hope these are helpful somehow. Even if you don't end up learning about his childhood, this kind of information is good to know about anyhow. Be careful, it doesn't sound like that anger would be directed at you, but try not to let your love for him make you throw caution to the wind. I'm sure this is an unneeded thing to say, but since I don't know this person and I can't see how he is, it's something to always watch out for. If you start feeling like he is taking advantage of your support, take a step back and look at the situation, is it one that you want to be in? Do you feel safe? (emotionally, physically, and mentally). As far as having experience dealing with someone like that, I am someone like that. Not really filled with hatred, but sadness and I've done a lot of things that weren't very good for me. My friends are great though and have stuck with me through it all. I guess my best advice would be, if you don't feel like you are being taken advantage of, stick with him and just support him. If it seems like this anger is controlling his life, ask if he wants help, but don't force him. Just make sure that through it all, you are getting the support and love you need, you won't be able to help him if you aren't secure yourself. Also try and be as honest as you can with him, that makes things far less confusing from the start. Take care, bonne chance.

 

Odyne