How do I let her down gently?

[Alan_troubled]

Hi all,

 

At a works night out last Friday, one of the women who works in my department told me that she has strong feelings for me and how crappy it is that I'm married she can't have me. She spent most of the evening planting peck-kisses on my cheek and being generally flirty with me.

 

However, I am very happily married and have no intention of letting anything happen with this woman but at the same time I don't especially want to lose her friendship either. Before anybody thinks I'm just trying to keep her in the wings in case I fancy some extra-marital that isn't the case at all. I do value this woman's friendship and she seems to accept that nothing will happen but I want to make it clear to her that nothing really will happen.

 

I want to tell her without upsetting her (I have to work with her every day) but I also want to be firm at the same time.

 

I was thinking of just having a quiet talk with her somewhere private, but not too private that anybody else might think there's something going on (a lot of other work friends saw her flirting with me), and just telling her that I am happy to have her as a friend but that there can't be anything else between us.

 

Any advice on how to approach this delicately would be appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[Tony T]

This is not a woman that you want for a friend.

 

As you wrote, she knew clearly that you were married, as you say "very happily." Despite having that knowledge, she told you (in your words) "that she has strong feelings for me and how crappy it is that I'm married she can't have me. She spent most of the evening planting peck-kisses on my cheek and being generally flirty with me."

 

Her behavior was disgusting, embarassing, immoral and NOT that of a person who a happily married man would want to have or should want to have for a friend.

 

I don't know what you would expect to accomplish by talking to her but with morals like her, any kind of talk would be ENCOURAGING no matter what you told her. She already knows you are married. Do you actually think you can teach a woman like that morals in a brief meeting? I don't think so.

 

There are more than six billion people on the planet. Not having this particular person for a friend will be no loss. I promise you, you can surround yourself with kind, loving, wonderful people who will all respect your happiness, your marriage, your wife and your life without this woman anywhere near.

 

Tell your wife about this co-worker and the next time this lady starts flirting, give her your wife's phone number and tell her you will flirt back if she will get your wife's written permission to do so. That may possibly stop her from coming after you. She is a dud!!! Stay away from her and tell the personnel department of your company not to hire anymore like her.

[Traci]

Amen! You tell him, Tony! That's exactly what I would have said. Go on with your bad self!

 

This is not a woman that you want for a friend.

 

As you wrote, she knew clearly that you were married, as you say "very happily." Despite having that knowledge, she told you (in your words) "that she has strong feelings for me and how crappy it is that I'm married she can't have me. She spent most of the evening planting peck-kisses on my cheek and being generally flirty with me." Her behavior was disgusting, embarassing, immoral and NOT that of a person who a happily married man would want to have or should want to have for a friend. I don't know what you would expect to accomplish by talking to her but with morals like her, any kind of talk would be ENCOURAGING no matter what you told her. She already knows you are married. Do you actually think you can teach a woman like that morals in a brief meeting? I don't think so. There are more than six billion people on the planet. Not having this particular person for a friend will be no loss. I promise you, you can surround yourself with kind, loving, wonderful people who will all respect your happiness, your marriage, your wife and your life without this woman anywhere near. Tell your wife about this co-worker and the next time this lady starts flirting, give her your wife's phone number and tell her you will flirt back if she will get your wife's written permission to do so. That may possibly stop her from coming after you. She is a dud!!! Stay away from her and tell the personnel department of your company not to hire anymore like her.