alwayswondering Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 well, I just broke it off with my fiance. Found out a lot of lies he had told me over our whole relationship, spoke with ex fiance and found out more lies, he was financially irresponsible, shady background and basically something just did not feel right. He has been living with me for 3 months, not paid me a dime, I have given him 3 weeks to get out. I guess I am wondering how you turn the love off. I have never been engaged before, wanted a marriage and family more than anything and feel like this is my only chance. What if I screwed up the best thing that's ever happened to me and made a terrible mistake. He is making me feel that way. It's hard because in my head I know I did the right thing but how do I get my heart to agree? I am used to going to him for comfort and now I can't when I need someone the most, even just a hug and a safe feeling. This has hurt me more than anything ever has. I will be 29 in a couple of weeks, this would be easier if I were 21 but I am not. I am old and my chances of finding someone good diminish everyday. Link to post Share on other sites
d.s. Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 We are here for you! You can come to us for comfort-although we are not there in person for a hug! In my opinion, most people are caught in a web of lies. Are the lies substantial enough to end the engagement? As for someone being financially responsible; it takes time to control your spending habits. Maybe you can talk to him and demonstrate responsible ways of managing his finances. If you feel that you have had enough. The best way would be to take up a hobby. I actually got that advice from someone a few minutes ago. It fills up your schedule and gives you time to spend without the "fiance". I am not really sure what to say about you basing your decision on your age and wanting to get married. Wouldn't it be better to get married later but to someone you can trust and love? Imagine just getting married for the sake of having a family and then regreting it in the future. I don't know about you, but I don't really believe in divorces and I would remain married even if I was unhappy. Thus, would you want to get yourself into such a mess? You shouldn't base your decision on the fact that you just want to get married and that you are getting older. You should also be able to judge whether or not you think your fiance can improve and see what you can do to help him. I feel like he is making you feel guilty to give in (I hate people who do that- it is like a last resort so that you don't leave them) Let me know how you feel about what I said! HTH d.s. Link to post Share on other sites
bab Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 well, I just broke it off with my fiance. Found out a lot of lies he had told me over our whole relationship, spoke with ex fiance and found out more lies, he was financially irresponsible, shady background and basically something just did not feel right. He has been living with me for 3 months, not paid me a dime, I have given him 3 weeks to get out. I guess I am wondering how you turn the love off. I have never been engaged before, wanted a marriage and family more than anything and feel like this is my only chance. What if I screwed up the best thing that's ever happened to me and made a terrible mistake. He is making me feel that way. It's hard because in my head I know I did the right thing but how do I get my heart to agree? I am used to going to him for comfort and now I can't when I need someone the most, even just a hug and a safe feeling. This has hurt me more than anything ever has. I will be 29 in a couple of weeks, this would be easier if I were 21 but I am not. I am old and my chances of finding someone good diminish everyday. It does sound like you did the right thing. Marriage is a big deal, and it sounds like you'd be miserable with him. Getting your heart to agree is the tough part. It will be especially tough while he is still there, but if you know in your mind you did the right thing, the pain will lesson with time. Keep listening to your head, it's got the right idea. You will find someone who is right for you. You aren't old. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alwayswondering Posted November 3, 2005 Author Share Posted November 3, 2005 thanks for all the support! Well, the lies were everywhere, mostly about his past relationships/sexual history. I don't care so much about what someone does before I meet him, but at least be honest and don't outright lie about it. He was living with a female roomate when I met him, said they had always been just friends, well, I foudn out they were engaged too and basically he has bounced from woman to woman, moving in their houses and not paying. He has a good job and works a lot, but I don't understand where his money goes. It is not drugs/alcohol, but I guess just pure irresponsibility. But he was always nice to me and I do think he loved me. But he had to have his way about everything, such as when we started talking about the wedding, he wanted to dictate who/how many I could invite, what colors we could have, no children there, everything. He said I was being selfish for wanting the things I wanted, even though my parents were paying for it all, and this was not evern his first marriage. He has the mentality that he is always the victim of bad circumstances. There is so much more......I should be able to turn it off and hate him but I can't. I wish I could, but somehow I miss him, the good parts. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 Three weeks is a long time to wait... can't you kick him out sooner? Link to post Share on other sites
Audrey1 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 Hi AlwaysWondering, I know what you are going through. I broke off an engagement 6 years ago and I felt so conflicted about it at the time that I couldn't see straight. The man was my world. We had plans. I thought my life was figured out and to have it unravel in 24 hours was devastating. But I had this sudden clarity that he was 100% wrong for me and I knew that if I married him it would mean a lifetime of grief. My head was right. I did the right thing. But my heart was pulverized. So how did I cope? All I can do is offer you suggestions based on what got me through that time. Don't drink ANYTHING. I avoided alcohol like it was poison. And if you knew me, you'd know I love my wine. But I stayed sober to force myself to deal with the pain and the hurt. Why? Because I believed that if I focuded on my pain and allowed myslef to feel it 100% I would get through it faster. there's only so long you can cry 24/7 before you start to get sick of yourself. I worked nonstop. I put in overtime, volunteeded for pro-bono, and took my work home with me. When I wasn't working I went for long drives, cooked, went shopping, and repainted my apartment. I kept busy. I didn't, however take up any new hobbies because I knew myself. Anything "new" in my life would mean the desire to share my new experiences with "someone" and I knew who I would want that to be. So I stuck to boring tasks that filled my time. I avoided my friends. They always had advice to offer that made me think of my ex. I was alone and I preferred it that way. I didn't want pity or sympathy or anything that would get my mind focuded on my ex. I just wanted to sink inot my own little world. I can't give you real advice and if you are anything like me it won't do a bit of good anyway. All I can tell you is that while I was avoiding the human race and drowining myself in my job, I happened to land a new account and I am marrying that new account. All I can say is you never know and if you ended this relationship then you did it for a good reason. TRUST YOURSELF. You will be OK. Maybe not now, or a month from now, or even a year from now, but eventually you will be OK. Actually, you will be great. I've been there. Link to post Share on other sites
Treasa Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 You're old at 29? I must be decrepit then, since I'm nearly 31. Let me get my walker and put in my dentures and I'll finish what I was saying. If you have the attitude that you're old and won't ever find someone, then you won't. I had a great grandmother who was always saying how she was so achy and was probably going to die. *moanmoangripegripe* My mom finally got sick of it one day and snapped at her, "Hurry up and die, then. I'm getting sick of listening to this." That shut my great grandmother up. My point is that your attitude has a lot to do with what you get in life. I'm almost 31 and dating a great guy, and have a few other guys interested in me in case it doesn't work out. Sounds like your current boyfriend is a nightmare. However, it's like they say, "Water rises to meet it's own level." Think about it. When you start being a Class A kind of woman, you'll start attracting Class A men. Link to post Share on other sites
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