Got tired of feeling used

[Sally9682]

I hooked up with a guy online a while ago. We have never met as we live miles apart in different states. He’s married and I’m in a relationship. We used to message each other about our fantasies etc. It was fun and exciting at first but then I started to feel like a sex object and he’d only ever message me if he was horny. I got bored of feeling cheap so I decided not to message him anymore. 
 

I never expected anything from him but I just felt so cheap. Like I would try to have a normal conversation with him and he’d turn it round to sex everytime. Is this a valid way to feel? Have I done the right thing by stopping taking to him? My boyfriend doesn’t pay my a-lot of attention and I guess I got into this situation because of that. I was flattered that someone found me attractive but now I just feel even more unattractive and like I’m worth nothing more than sex  

[BaileyB]

It’s the equivalent of walking into a fast food restaurant with the expectation that you are going to be served a five course meal. Fast food is not fine dining in much the same way that a virtual relationship with a man who wants to talk about sexual fantasies in order to get himself off is not going to care about getting to know you or what you want in a relationship - you don’t have a relationship with the man. 

You are not wrong to expect that a man will value you and appreciate you for the wonderful woman that you are Sally. But, you were wrong to think that a stranger on the internet would do so - 
 

1 hour ago, Sally9682 said:

My boyfriend doesn’t pay my a-lot of attention and I guess I got into this situation because of that.

Time to find yourself a new boyfriend, not a virtual sex partner. 

Edited January 24, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Sally9682 said:

 My boyfriend doesn’t pay my a-lot of attention and I guess I got into this situation because of that.

Yes, cut him off. It's not serving any purpose. It seems you would like an affair but he just wants a free sexchat service.

[Luna66star]

Talking sex with a guy only garners disrespect and shoddy treatment. You thought it was fun but beware - you are being used as a toy for their fantasy.  You are not even a person.  Refrain from engaging in this manner with strangers.  In the end, you feel like crap,  The answer is right in front of you.  Set higher standards for yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

You had unrealistic expectations of what a married man online wants when he chats up a stranger, OP. 

Turn your attention instead to your relationship and ask yourself what you are still doing there. 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, you are being used by a man who only wants sex from you. He has his wife for love, friendship, and sex, but he uses you for more. Let this man and his wife be and think when you do find someone you love enough to marry they may also have an affair while there are women out there like you. Remember this. You'll have to decide what's right for you.

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, Sally9682 said:

Like I would try to have a normal conversation with him and he’d turn it round to sex everytime.

That's what married men who chat up women online are looking for.

What were you expecting exactly?

[Atwood]

You aren't getting what you want in any situation which sounds like it would be very painful for you. We are sold the idea that affairs are exciting escapades that we seek out to get our unmet needs finally addressed. I don't condone infedelity at all, but I can imagine it's confusing to have an affair only to find out you still can't have what you need. 

What keeps you in your relationship with your partner when you're unfulfilled?

[glows]

Are you living with your boyfriend? Has the relationship run its course? Is he checked out and uninterested or dismissive towards what you think or feel? 

There are plenty of people who use others this way unfortunately - not exclusive to involved or married men and women. You’re realizing very quickly that the grass is not always greener. 

Are you frustrated and disappointed that your relationship hasn’t led to marriage? It’s interesting that it’s a married man who seems to have piqued your interest. Does he represent something you want more of? At the end of the day he’s just a regular guy making bad choices. You are the one who has to live with yours. Now’s a good time to figure out what you’re doing and why you’re with your boyfriend.

[Will am I]

On 1/24/2023 at 8:06 PM, Sally9682 said:

I never expected anything from him but I just felt so cheap.

I don't think you specifically expected anything from him.

But I do think you, like any sane person, have general expectations of how you expect to be treated by romantic partners

.

Your expectations were not met, you were hurt, and it's good to leave this affair behind.

 

I understand how this may have damaged your self esteem (referring to the part where you write about feelling unattractive, because you're "worth nothing more than sex"). I think that @Alpacaliamade a great point here. This is not about you, it's about the unavailable person you chose as an affair partnet. The fact that he was only chasing sex with you does not reflect anything about you. It reflects all about his life, where all the other bases were covered. For all we know you can be an high achieving professional, have great interpersonal skills, have impressive academic and athletic ability, know your way around culture and fine dining and be a generally awesome person. But your affair was never about all those areas, it was about one thing.

 

 

Long answer short: stop tearing yourself down. You deserve better and you know it.

 

[stillafool]

I think when you try to pursue an inappropriate relationship you can expect inappropriate treatment.  This MM was not a romantic partner but a creep looking for cheap sex talk online.  What were you looking for since you engaged?  If your boyfriend ignores you maybe it's time to leave him and find a new one.

[Sally9682]

I just ended up feeling so confused. I guess I liked the attention at first but then after a while just felt pretty worthless as I never felt valued as a person. I feel bad for what I did and know I was selling myself short. I’ve got a lot of good qualities but I now understand that all he was interested in was sex nothing more so my good qualities were irrelevant to him. I won’t be getting into a situation like this again ever! I I am going to focus my attention on becoming a better person and addressing the issues with my boyfriend and forgetting this creep 

[Luna66star]

Every other woman who has been involved with a MM goes through everything you are experiencing.  At first the attention is wonderful for our egos.  It feels great to be wanted.  

After while the whole thing feels empty and pointless 😪.  These men are playing and we are the toys.  Eventually the new toy is not so shiny anymore 😕 and act like they were only passing time with you.  Because that's all it was!.  I hate to be so blunt but MM are only looking for fun either online, or in person if they are exceptionally brave.  Stay away from these dudes and try not to feel hurt and used.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.  You only need to make better choices and elevate your standards.  Go girl!.

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Sally9682 said:

 and forgetting this creep 

Good call. You were in a dark place but now you're out. Delete and block him. Reflect what's up with your relationship that made you feel empty enough to get involved in this.