lelofo Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 Hi, i have been in a relationship for 9 months now, i've been completely happy and we are planning on moving in together. we both have had complete trust in eachother and just have really enjoyed being with eachother. i lost my phone tonight so i used his to call it. i was about to sign into my gmail, when i saw that he had two other email accounts. that brought up an immediate red flag due to my last relationship. which was extremely toxic. so, stupid me checked his accounts and i ran across something that is bothering me. in november, he messaged a girl and told her his age and let her know that she looked amazing and asked her if she wanted to share videos of eachother. i dont want this to bother me, i know he watches porn sometimes and that doesnt bother me, but knowing that he reached out to someone and asked and complimented her, which i dont get often, upset me. he's a nice guy and i love him, but ive been thru stuff like this with my ex and im worried the same thing will happen again. we also have a huge age gap that has always bothered me, but he is totally fine with. he is 26 and i am 41. not thrilled about that, but we mesh really good. im thinking now that maybe since he is so young that being committed at his age is something he shouldnt do especially if hes reaching out to other people. i dont want to over-react and ruin anything, but i also dont want to lead myself on. just need some advice. thank you for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 42 minutes ago, lelofo said: he messaged a girl and told her his age and let her know that she looked amazing and asked her if she wanted to share videos of eachother. i dont want this to bother me, Girl, it should bother you. If you were exclusive and committed, it’s completely inappropriate and unacceptable for him to behave this way. I would dump him. He’s not the nice, loyal guy you thought he was. And he’s plenty old enough to know better, so please don’t hunt for excuses because of his age. Just be done with him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 (edited) He is still very young and that is quite a significant age gap. If he is messaging girls and asking for videos then I don't think he is ready to fully commit anytime soon. Whatever you decide to do, this is going to eat away at you. If you confront him then you will have to tell him that you snooped through his emails. If you ignore it, you will drive yourself crazy wondering if it's still going on (and it will be). Edited January 25, 2023 by JTSW Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 Trust your gut on this one. You past relationship may have made you question your judgement, but he's betraying you with this behaviour and you deserve better than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 That you have doubts to this extent and need to snoop indicates you don’t feel confident dating or in your dating choices. That’s the first issue. I’m not above investigating someone and don’t care for being the moral police either. It’s the lack of peace of mind that would put me off so much this relationship would never be tenable in the first place. A good starting point is asking yourself whether you’re both on the same page at all when it comes to compatibilities, shared choices and lifestyles and so on given your stages in life. He doesn’t compliment you often so why are you with him? He flirts with other women or you don’t sense he is loyal so why are you with him? Have some boundaries of your own and be clear with yourself about what you can and can’t put up with. Don’t date people who don’t add joy, stability and peace to your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 3 hours ago, lelofo said: i have been in a relationship for 9 months now, we are planning on moving in together. Sorry this is happening. It's only 36 weeks dating, much too soon to be talking about moving in together. He's still interested in chatting up other women so he's not ready for any sort of commitment. Step back and reevaluate if this is a good match for you. Link to post Share on other sites
shellzbellz83 Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 The fact that you felt compelled to read his emails should tell you all need to know about your level of trust in this relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 6 hours ago, lelofo said: we also have a huge age gap that has always bothered me, but he is totally fine with. he is 26 and i am 41. not thrilled about that, but we mesh really good. im thinking now that maybe since he is so young that being committed at his age is something he shouldnt do especially if hes reaching out to other people... Apparently he's not fine with it or more importantly with you (sorry ) otherwise he wouldn't be skulking young hot women on SM and asking to exchange videos. At 41 years of age, after discovering this, you should know better than to stay with him. Wish him well and off you go. Find a man more in line with your values and what you want for yourself, in life and a long term partner. Link to post Share on other sites
introverted1 Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 Agree with all the previous posts. Plus: 7 hours ago, lelofo said: he is 26 and i am 41. He may be "totally fine" with it but I think you are overlooking that you are at very different life stages. Not saying it's impossible he's ready to settle down with someone who is middle aged, but the odds are not in your favor. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 I'm sorry, but you NEED to be bothered by this. You're fortunate that you became aware of this. Please, please do not move in with this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 Yes definitely don’t move in with him. This would be a dealbreaker for a lot of people so understandably ending the relationship is an option, and probably your best option given your past relationships. Would you ever be able to trust this guy fully again? If you think you would, what would have to happen? Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 25, 2023 Share Posted January 25, 2023 Very flattering for a 41 yo woman to have a 26 yo boyfriend, but you're at different stages of life. He's contacted other women behind your back, and he did this about 6 months into your relationship. If he couldn't even stay faithful during the honeymoon phase, what's he going to be like when he gets bored? May I ask the logistics of moving in together? Whose place will you be moving into? Yours? His? A new shared place? I don't mean to burst your bubble, but when young men take up with significantly older women it too often seems that they're looking for a mother figure, or maybe there's financial benefit, or they're just on a weird trip where they perceive themselves as really mature and superior because they're dating someone much older. Doesn't matter the reason, fact is he's been chatting up other women while in a relationship with you. I bet if you brought it up with him he'd try to minimise it, which is a sure sign that you can't trust him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 26, 2023 Share Posted January 26, 2023 Do you do allot for him? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 26, 2023 Share Posted January 26, 2023 Why didn't you just ask him why he has 2 email accounts rather than snoop and then ask a forum? He's only 26 and will be during more of what you caught him doing. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 26, 2023 Share Posted January 26, 2023 I have multiple email accounts for different reasons, but I don’t message other men and ask them to share videos. You have this information now, you would be wise not to ignore it. I don’t care how well I get along with a man, if I can’t trust him - I’m not going to chose to be in a relationship with the man. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 3, 2023 Share Posted February 3, 2023 (edited) No girl he's young dumb and full of you know what. He can't help himself and as a mature woman that you are, you should know the reality that relationships like this don't last. You are only fooling yourself. You keep following this pattern of dating untrustworthy men...you are the common denominator. Time to be more aware of the type of choices that you are tempted to make.....like letting this incident pass. Most would already have booted him promptly to the curb. You keep clinging on, and let it keep happening. Time to make a change. Edited February 3, 2023 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
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