Your Opinion Matters

[ellen3143]

Hi,

 

I would like your opinion on this. My husband left his msn on last night and one of the people on his list sent him a message. Now this woman I think is interested in him. (he says not) He was gone out to the gym so I sent a message back Hi this is Helen, Matt is not here he is gone to the gym. We chatted a little then she left. I didn't think anything of it because I talk to all his other friends, one the other night said if I see her online to say hello. This woman comes back on later and tells my husband it was "weird" talking to me on his msn.

 

Do you think the reason she felt weird was because she is interested in him and thought if I wouldn't have said right away who I was she might of let something slip? My husband says she doesn't flirt with him but I think otherwise. Would you feel weird if you spouse/partner talked to people on your friends list? I know I wouldn't have a problem with it and neither would any of my friends.

[loony]

She has it in the back of her mind somewhere that he has a wife, but she's not used to thinking of you as a real breathing human being, probably because he doesn't mention you a lot. I'm the kind of person who believes that when you're talking with someone of the opposite gender you should mention your partner occasionally, just as a reminder for him that you're not available anymore.

 

I also think it actually comes natural to talk about one's partner, you live with this person, you share you life with this person, how come that you don't mention this person at all? Unless of course you want to hide the fact that you're with someone. Some people won't mention their partner, because they like an occasional flirt, but it doesn't necessarily mean that they are looking for an affair, they just need a kick once in a while.

 

It's also possible that this woman just doesn't want to understand that your husband is married. Maybe your husband is flirting with her, but on the other hand, I'd assume that a grown-up woman who knows that a man is married shouldn't get her hopes up high.

[ellen3143]

He does mention me and the kids. Thats kinda why I don't understand why it would be weird to her unless in her mind he is hers or if she doesn't talk to me I don't exist? I know he tells her oh we went here or we watch a movie or the kids are gone to their dads so we have time alone. If all she wants is to be his friend why would it be weird to talk to me?

[littlekitty]

You talking to her has made you 'real' for her.

 

She probably has a thing for him, and now she's had a big reminder that you exist. It's made her feel a little guilty and uncomfortable as now you've been thrust in her face and into her little world.

 

She probably feels weird because she fancies your husband, and didn't want to think about you.

 

Can you check thier message history to see if she is flirting? Do you want to?

 

I personally wouldn't have an issue with this. My partner would be free to speak to anyone I was speaking to online. I would always be talking about him too, and I have nothing to hide, therefore no reason to worry.

[JadeStar]

Who imed who first? Thats probably beside the point, but at any rate I think it was good you talked to her and like kitty said it kind of made it "real" to her that you exsisted.

 

They may just be friends etc, however if you really wanted to know what may or may not be going on you could check the history in the im too see what all has been said. That is unless he knows how to delete the im history. If you feel what he said is true and theres nothing more then I would just take a step back, but maybe at least keep an eye on it. I might could understand this chatting occassionally if theres really nothing there, but if its alot then that might be more of a problem.

 

 

Jade

[ellen3143]

I could check his message history anytime I want. I know all of his passwords for emails and he knows mine. He said if he had anything to hide he wouldn't leave his msn open and he didn't have a problem with me talking to her. I think that is exactly why she felt weird he likes him and by me talking to her it has forces her to acknowledge the fact I am very real and also the fact I can access his messangers.

[JadeStar]

Sounds like he has nothing to hide then and has been honest about it. It may very well be that she is the one that has some interest there in him. However, if she does, he might need to stop talking with her, because she may read more into it than there is. She may feel he is leading her on by talking to her, even if he is not interested in her or even if he hasn't said anything out of the way. It might give her mixed signals. Just a thought.

 

 

 

Jade

[ellen3143]

It is a daily thing but I have to trust him when he says nothing is going on that there isn't. He says he thinks everyone flirts to some degree but its harmless flirting?? Can it be harmless if she has other ideas? I don't want to get into checking his message history but its there if I wanted to.

[Moose]

It's situations like this that makes me believe no husband or wife, should have a relationship, with the opposite sex outside, of the workplace.....period.

 

It's not so much that Mrs. Moose and I don't trust each other, it's just the other party could become attached emotionally, which could lead to other things that both parties may regret.

 

With that said, we've agreed......girls hang with the girls, and guys hang out with the guys......

 

We do hang out in forums like this, but no live chatting......gotta have rules!

[ellen3143]

I have friends (guys and girls) that I talk to online and he is free to talk to them too. I have even introduced some of them to him. But I make sure they know I am happily married and I love my husband very much and if they can't/don't respect that I no longer want to talk to them. and I have told people that before and removed them from my list. My best friend is a guy should I not talk to him? I'm just wondering why would a single girl want to hang out online talking to a married man?

[JadeStar]

"Why would a single girl want to hang out online talking to a married man?"

 

My guess is shes interested in him. To some people, just because someone is married doesn't always mean it matters to the single person. She may could care less if hes married of not. especailly if shes real interested in him. I'm not saying for sure wheather she is or not, and its fine to have friends with the opposite sex, however even if he has no interest in her, by him talking with her could send her mixed signals, if she infact likes him. Also you said it was just about an every day thing, why? What is it the 2 of them have so much in common they feel the need to talk everyday? I am

assuming they are discussing things in general?

 

 

 

Jade

[Moose]

My best friend is a guy should I not talk to him?

I would have a problem with that. Your best friend is supposed to be your husband. And HE should be the only male friend you have. How would you feel if your husband said his best friend is a woman, and she isn't his wife......???

[JadeStar]

Thi is the way it seems to me, I'm not saying this is the way it is, I'm saying the way it seems. If your husband talks with her on a daily basis, then he must be getting something out of it. Yes he may have told you he has nothing to hide, and he doesn't mind you looking at his im's etc, but that doesn't mean hes not getting something out of talking with her. If you have a best friend thats a guy and you talk with him daily as well, then you must be getting something from him as well. Somewhere along the lines someone is fullfilling something to the other person that they are lacking. I may be way off base, but thats just MO.

 

 

 

Jade

[ellen3143]

"Why would a single girl want to hang out online talking to a married man?"

 

My guess is shes interested in him. To some people, just because someone is married doesn't always mean it matters to the single person. She may could care less if hes married of not. especailly if shes real interested in him. I'm not saying for sure wheather she is or not, and its fine to have friends with the opposite sex, however even if he has no interest in her, by him talking with her could send her mixed signals, if she infact likes him. Also you said it was just about an every day thing, why? What is it the 2 of them have so much in common they feel the need to talk everyday? I am

assuming they are discussing things in general?

 

 

 

Jade

yes just general how are you what did you do today. The same stuff he would talk about with his guy friends. My best friend is also my business partner so I kinda need to talk to him daily but if I don't its no big deal.

[ellen3143]

I would have a problem with that. Your best friend is supposed to be your husband. And HE should be the only male friend you have. How would you feel if your husband said his best friend is a woman, and she isn't his wife......???

moose doesn't that sound kinda like the dark ages? No other male friends cmon. I have friends here at work that are male. Its not a issue unless you are totally untrustworthy and can't handle having male friends. If my husbands best friend was a woman that would be fine as long as that person respects our marriage and commitment to each other.

[lilmoma1973]

It's situations like this that makes me believe no husband or wife, should have a relationship, with the opposite sex outside, of the workplace.....period.

 

It's not so much that Mrs. Moose and I don't trust each other, it's just the other party could become attached emotionally, which could lead to other things that both parties may regret.

 

With that said, we've agreed......girls hang with the girls, and guys hang out with the guys......

 

We do hang out in forums like this, but no live chatting......gotta have rules!

Totally agree with what you say !! Your wife is so lucky to have a very considerate man !!! I don't think married people should be im anybody outside their relationship of the opposite sex!!! This to me is a no no !! I think what was said you were made real to this woman and i would keep an eye on it.. She might try to persue somehthing you never know !! I'm too jealous for my h to be doing this i would be pissed off!! I know my h would feel the same way

[JadeStar]

ellen, since you brought this to the forums and posted asking for others advice/opinons, means you have some concern there for the situation or you wouldn't have bothered to post. I'd say maybe just keep an eye on it at least.

 

 

 

Jade

[Moose]

moose doesn't that sound kinda like the dark ages?

Yes, it may to some. But I don't call those days, "dark" ages......I call them the, "glory" days where people knew what a marriage is. Where anything that could have the slightest negative impact on a marriage were avoided like the plague. Society preaches nothing but tolerance anymore. I don't buy it.

I have friends here at work that are male.

Having male friends at work isn't the issue. That's a given. You have to get along with co-workers. You said, your best friend is male, and he isn't your husband. I have a problem with that.

Its not a issue unless you are totally untrustworthy and can't handle having male friends.

I trust my wife with my life. I don't, however, trust anyone else, and neither should you.

If my husbands best friend was a woman that would be fine as long as that person respects our marriage and commitment to each other.

This wouldn't work at all with Mrs. Moose. And I wouldn't blame her. There's no room for this kind of tolerance in a loving marriage.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I don't think it's so much as the "dark ages" on this particular point as it is the basic human instinct to be protective of oneself, their life, security, and that which s/he loves or holds dear.

 

While your words say that you are somewhat open-minded about these things, some of your statements elude to the fact that your feelings may be in contradiction.

 

For example:

 

Do you think the reason she felt weird was because she is interested in him and thought if I wouldn't have said right away who I was she might of let something slip? My husband says she doesn't flirt with him but I think otherwise.

 

You see … already you are uncomfortable.

 

If my husbands best friend was a woman that would be fine as long as that person respects our marriage and commitment to each other.

 

"If" is the operative word, here. If you are already feeling insecure with a simple online correspondence between your husband and his female acquaintance, how might you really feel should their relationship progress and they ultimately become best friends?

 

It's natural to feel protective of your relationship and be weary of outsiders. I don't think we get anywhere in these discussions when we try to deny it.

[fairluvwar]

I think if you have to make a rule not to have friends of the opposite sex then there is a perfect reason for that. Either a, you are completely untrustworthy and could not coexist with someone of the opposite sex without controlling your urges (cave man), or b, you and/or your partner are just so insanely jealous that you can't handle your loved one dealing with someone of the opposite sex. In either case I believe that is the kind of thing that needs counseling. A marriage should be a completely open and trusting relationship and do I think your partner should be your "best friend", yes, and in this case I am sure that is what it is. But people still have friends, and a best friend of those friends and if it happens to be of the opposite sex so what? If it's a problem then that just means you are not secure enough with your marriage and your partner. To me it doesn't sound at all like ellen has a problem with her husband having friends of the opposite sex, just that this one in particular rubs her the wrong way. It probably would me too, but in no way do I believe friendships should be excluded to people of the same sex. That is just absolutely wrong.

[ellen3143]

To me it doesn't sound at all like ellen has a problem with her husband having friends of the opposite sex, just that this one in particular rubs her the wrong way. It probably would me too, but in no way do I believe friendships should be excluded to people of the same sex. That is just absolutely wrong.

 

It does rub me the wrong way. Call it woman intuition or gut feeling it makes me very uncomfortable. I trust my husband its this other person I don't trust.

When I see her asking at 12:30 am if everyone is sleeping yeah I have to wonder why? She knows we have 2 little kids , why would they be up at 12:30? I think she was asking was she free to talk to him privately was I gone to bed. Maybe he doesn't see that as strange but it sure did to me.

 

I don't want him to exclude friendships from the opposite sex. He has a friend I simply adore that is female. But I trust her completely and I know she would never do anything to hurt me or our family. I talk to her online and on the phone. I am sure she would not find it "weird" if she sent him a message and I replied. She would probably be excited. Why wouldn't anyones friends be happy to get to know the persons spouse?

[whichwayisup]

It's different when you're included in the friendship and you know who the woman is. In your case, this woman is probably flirty abit and having some fun. Is it innocent? Only your husband can fully answer that, but if your gut is telling you it's not cool - Then tell him that. She knows or is well aware of your feelings on this too, call it women's vibes...She probably wasnt' expecting you to answer his IM and was unprepared... He isn't hiding anything from you, so that's a good thing.

 

Tell him how you feel and also make it perfectly clear you feel something isn't quite right about their "Friendship".

[Moose]

I think if you have to make a rule not to have friends of the opposite sex then there is a perfect reason for that.

There is. It's called honoring marriage vows. "forsaking all others". You're taking a huge chance of becoming involved when you have personal relationships with the opposite sex outside of the marriage. It's as simple as that....

Either a, you are completely untrustworthy and could not coexist with someone of the opposite sex without controlling your urges (cave man),

Give me a break.....that's the most ridiculous thing I've heard today.....it's not so much how much control the married person has, it's more about the control the so called, "friend", has.

b, you and/or your partner are just so insanely jealous that you can't handle your loved one dealing with someone of the opposite sex.

Again....you're looking at this totally through smokey glasses. It has nothing to do with the thoughts or feelings or trust of the married couple. It's the boundary of marriage that's compromised by someone outside of the marriage.

A marriage should be a completely open and trusting relationship and do I think your partner should be your "best friend", yes, and in this case I am sure that is what it is. But people still have friends, and a best friend of those friends and if it happens to be of the opposite sex so what?

New world thinking. All I can hope is that my kids don't follow your philosophy.

Why wouldn't anyones friends be happy to get to know the persons spouse?

Because, man and woman attract. When you throw a third party in there, something negative is bound to happen. Hence, the reason why it's wrong to have friends of the opposite sex if you're married......what's so hard to understand about that?

[JadeStar]

He shouldn't be up on im at 12:30 midnight no way talking with this other woman. He should be in bed with you. Once again I will say this, I feel that he is getting something out of talking to her. Or he wouldn't keep doing it. Its ok to have friends of the opposite sex, I don't think anyone is knocking that, but he talks with this woman on a daily basis and even at 12:30 at night. Let me guess, he was up doing some work or playing a computer game and she just happened to im?

 

You're right in the sense that hes not bothered by himself talking to her, of course not. Hes not gonna see anything wrong with it nor is he gonna find or having a problem with you talking with your best friend(male) either because look what hes doing. I say you need to express to him how you feel about this particular woman he is talking with. Then after he is aware of how this makes you feel, see if he stops. If he doesn't, then guess where his priorities lie? Not with you.

 

 

 

Jade

[quankanne]

Would you feel weird if you spouse/partner talked to people on your friends list? I know I wouldn't have a problem with it and neither would any of my friends.

 

no, but then I've always made it a point to introduce my husband to my friends, be they real or in cyber-space. He's met my best friend and former roommate, who is male; he knows that I love this boy like the younger brother I don't have and that I'd do anything if he needed my help. And he's okay with that, because we're a package deal, just like my girlfriends are. He respects that, and I feel it's only natural to do the same for him.

 

I've explained time and again to friends or even people I'm trying to line up interviews with that when they are unable to find me, just talk to DH, who would be more than happy to chat with them and give me whatever message that needs to be passed along.

 

I realize however, our relationship is different in that aspect, but I've never lied to him about the friends I've got because I want him to share in their friendship, too.

 

on a sidenote, I'm not sure if I buy the thought that your spouse is your best friend. I've got a boy best friend and I've got a girl one. They're the people who understand me better than I understand myself, who can give me clear, unbiased (mostly, hee hee) opinion when I need it. A spouse can't, simply because of the dynamics of that relationship. He's my dear friend, but foremost, he's my husband. I don't need or want him as my best friend because that just screws up the dynamics, and I'm having a hard time trying to get out of the "Pal" label he tends to stick on me.