Is this text style from my ex a defence mechanism?

[Osprey]

My recent ex (we split because she is overwhelmed by a number of family issues - we are still deeply in love) texted me to for something that I need to pass to her and her to me, for her son.

In the brief 3 or 4 texts she shows no emotion at all and is very formal.  However, in each text she has mentioned being Ill which stopped her from being ready to exchange these items earlier, that she has a service coming in for her son so avoid a specific time ( this has been a big thing she’s wanted to happen) and that she is really busy at work.  To each of these i recognised her comment and responded and checked if she was ok. I finished the final text wishing her a good weekend.

She managed to avoid recognising ANY of the responses to her comments and has left the conversation without reciprocating a good weekend wish.

Is this a defence mechanism to stop her emotions creeping in?  I’m wondering why she told me all these little snippets as strictly she didn’t need to - she could’ve just arranged a time - but then didn’t recognise anything I said about them.

Anyone with any ideas please fire away!

 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

It's completely appropriate for anyone to leave all emotions out of necessary exchanges with an ex.  I expect that after this situation with her son (I don't understand why you are involved if he's not your son, but whatever) you won't be hearing from her any further.

[BrinnM]

She just gave you a heads-up, and a few explanations as to why the exchange needs to be postponed; she does indeed sound busy and preoccupied, and therefore probably has no time to reply at great length, if it’s not absolutely necessary for “organizational” reasons. She is also your ex, so no need to inquire about her well-being. She informed you about what you needed to know, and no, I don’t think she’s protecting herself from uncontrollable emotions. If she wanted an emotional conversation, she would’ve certainly jumped at the opportunity, after you gave her one. 

[Alpacalia]

There are a few explanations for formal texts from her. Her emotions are very close to her heart, but she does not want them to be exposed. Alternatively, it may be that she does not wish to engage in further discussions, so it may be that she is trying to avoid getting into detail, so that you will not feel compelled to make further inquiries.

I'm not sure if that helps.

There was a mention that she was ill and busy. Perhaps that is all there is to it.

Edited January 27, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Lotsgoingon]

Ideally if you are madly in love with her, you should know her well enough to be able to answer your own question.

Why do YOU think she did what she did. If you cannot really answer, I would push that madly in love thing aside. 

[ShyViolet]

I'm not sure what you are expecting from her?  You are broken up.  From the way you worded it, it sounds like she's the one who ended the relationship.  Maybe she doesn't want to continue this emotional limbo with you and feels like she needs to distance herself and put up some boundaries for her own sanity.  If you were truly so "madly in love' then the relationship wouldn't have ended.  Maybe those feelings aren't as mutual as you think.

[mark clemson]

"Emotion" doesn't come across well in texts.

That said, suggest you consider whether you're chasing something you're not going to "win" here (namely getting her back).

Once you move on you won't be so worried about the nuances of how her texts come across and what she might or might not be willing to share. Sometimes over is over.

[glows]

I’d take this as a gentle push to start distancing yourself and relying less on these breadcrumbs. 

The communication needs to stop if you’re looking for her to reciprocate texts and she’s not doing that. This is an ex. It’s over. Her being ill and busy may also play in here. She has other priorities and checking in or responding to being checked up by an ex is just not one for her. It’s heartbreaking, yes. Also eye opening when realizing people change and feelings change too.

[Acacia98]

On 1/27/2023 at 6:16 PM, Osprey said:

  I’m wondering why she told me all these little snippets as strictly she didn’t need to - she could’ve just arranged a time - but then didn’t recognise anything I said about them.

Sounds like what people do when they're tossing breadcrumbs at an ex. To avoid feeling snubbed and wasting time wondering why she said what she said, you should similarly adopt a formal tone in any exchanges with her when you must communicate. And when communication is not necessary, silence is your friend.

[ExpatInItaly]

On 1/27/2023 at 4:16 PM, Osprey said:

we are still deeply in love

I have a feeling she's not as in love as you think she is. 

She is trying to assert a boundary with you and keep things neutral, as I read it. You are now her ex so you need to readjust your expectations in how she interacts with you. Emotional or meaningful messages aren't part of the equation anymore. I think you need to read between the lines here that she is distancing herself intentionally, and it's likely because she knows you still want to be together and doesn't want you to get the wrong idea. 

[JTSW]

She doesn't sound deeply in love to me.

Quite the opposite.

She wants to be done once and for all.

[stillafool]

No one who is deeply in love leaves that person because they are overwhelmed with family issues.  They find a way to work it out with their lover because they need and want their support.  I think she meant to come across as unemotional and dry so as not to give you hope.