I don't know what to do

[LoveTruely]

I have been with my lady for a few months and she is amazing. She brings out the better in me. She knows what she wants. She is a true sweetheart. If I get home from work late and I haven’t ate she does fuss at me in the phone but ends up ordering me food, since I’m too tired to cook or she is unable to drive to me. She even is meal prepping for me so that I am able to eat better when I get home. I can literally talk to her about any thing with no judgement. I talk to her about my issues with my child mother and at times I’m cursing and yelling. Not at her but at the situation. But she is always there to listen and help me the best way she can to make it ok. Ordering me food and meal prepping for me may seem small to some but she really cares about my well being. She forgave me for DMing women on social media and I know her trust for me is tarnished. But she forgave me, and here I am not being serious when she is being serious. We both are goofballs.
I have noticed now that when she just tries to talk about the relationship I tend to get weird. I start to make little jokes, knowing she is serious. I be knowing she is trying to have a serious conversation but the jokester in me comes out. I can tell in her voice it bothers her and she ends up getting off the phone afterwards. I don’t even know why I do this. I sent her a text late last night thanking her for everything. I was stupid and I sent a text sayin “I love you” and unsent it (on iPhone you can do that now) I did it as a joke but it really bothered her. I didn’t mean any harm. She got upset over it. She says that’s not a word she plays with. Today she told me how it made her feel but I played it off like an idiot, and she got off the phone to go to the gym after that. Now I’m sitting here in my thought feeling like I’m pushing her away with my jokes on serous times. She is a great woman and I don’t want to lose her. I am 37 she is 35.

[BrinnM]

Do you have a question?

She told you that she’s not enjoying the teasing all too much, so why don’t you take it down a notch? You know it’s bothering her. It’s not that hard. 

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, LoveTruely said:

I was stupid and I sent a text sayin “I love you” and unsent it

Why did you do this? 

6 hours ago, LoveTruely said:

I did it as a joke but it really bothered her. I didn’t mean any harm

You are more than old enough at 37 to know better than this. I would not be happy with you either, and I would be re-evaluating what sort of boyfriend I had who joked around with my feelings this like. This was not funny, and you know that. 

 

 

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, LoveTruely said:

She is a great woman and I don’t want to lose her.

If you carry on being the way you are then you will.

You already are losing her.

How much longer do you think she can put up with your immature behaviour?

Not long I tell you.

Nip this crap in the bud now. Figure out why you are like this.

You're on very thin ice with her right now.

 

[BaileyB]

14 hours ago, LoveTruely said:

She is a great woman and I don’t want to lose her.

You don’t want to lose her - respectfully, you need to start acting like a man instead of a child. It is not her responsibility to feed you. You are a grown man - you do not require care.  Bless her for trying to be a good partner to you but how do you repay her - by dumping your issues with your child’s mother/cursing and yelling in her presence, and messaging other women, and teasing her when she is trying to tell you how she feels? 

Dude, if you want to have a relationship with this woman you have got to start acting like it because it sounds like she has one foot out the door… I would have been gone already. She is a grown woman - she wants to be your partner, not your parent. 

Edited January 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, LoveTruely said:

I have been with my lady for a few months and she is amazing. I am 37 she is 35.

Unfortunately you don't seem ready to date if you are still messaging women, fighting with your ex and taking it out on her and making a joke out of everything.

Perhaps it's your way of distancing yourself?  

[CaliforniaGirl]

Are you sure you were kidding? Or did you just get spooked once the words were out? It's pretty rare for someone who isn't a teenager to blurt out something like that just as a joke (and even then it's rare). I'm wondering if you were feeling it and then pulled back?

[LoveTruely]

Hey everyone.

I thank you for all of your responses. I know that I feel like crap for doing this to her. When I was upset with my ex about my child she allowed me to vent to her. She listened. Days after that I was still in a mood and she lifted me up with her kind words and gestures. Bad day at work, she helps me if I’m in a bad mood. I can pick my phone and see a full paragraph of texts just encouraging me through my tough times. I can’t even explain how it makes me feel. I hate I do this. I must grow up mentally. I can tell she gets tired by the all of a sudden wanting to get off. Her voice. I notice she doesn’t bother mentioning it bothers her anymore now because, I always make it about me and then she feels bad and goes back to the encouragement to me. I was not smart to message other women in social media that was on me. She deleted hers years back. I sit and scroll there when I have a slow day at work or when I’m home. Writing this makes me feel horrible. Her birthday is coming up and I will have my 1 year old and not able to have a sitter. She even understanding I can’t spend it with her. So I’ll spend it with her the following weekend. I’m thinking I need to make it very special. 

[Alpacalia]

The bottom line is that she supports you and you dump on her. It's time for you to stop doing that.

[ExpatInItaly]

She does all these things for you and seems to worship the ground you walk on. 

But are you actually into her as a person?  I am getting the sense that this is a pretty lopsided relationship, and perhaps you just aren't feeling the way she does. Your jokes are immature and hurtful but I am wondering what exactly is behind your attempts to divert the relationship talks and play with her feelings. 

If she didn't bend over backwards to you and pander to you the way she does, would you still be that keen to keep her around? 

[BaileyB]

I too feel like this is a very one sided relationship. It’s primarily about how you feel and what she does for you OP.

I feel like crap. I was upset, she listened to me vent. Days later when I was still upset, she made me feel better. Bad day at work - she is there to help me feel better. I can’t even explain how that makes me feel. I know that she’s not happy, but she doesn’t even tell me anymore because I make it all about me. And when I do that, she needs to make me feel better. I was wrong to message other women, but I was bored and had nothing to do… so that’s what I do.

I can’t be with her for her birthday, but - I will take her out the following weekend and that will make up for everything… unless, of course, you are in a bad mood or you are frustrated with your child’s mother and she needs to make you feel better.

You have a lot of self reflection and maturing to do OP before you are ready to be in a healthy and mature relationship. Good luck to you.

Edited January 10, 2023 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

If she was selfish, thoughtless, and took you for granted would you be crazy in love with her?  This is something I have often noticed in immature men, they'll grovel after women who treat them badly but when they find one who is serious wife material they take her for granted - right up until the moment she has a gutful of their idiocy and blocks and deletes them. I'm wondering why she's sticking around to listen to you ranting about your ex, that should be enough to turn any woman right off. 

[smackie9]

Why can't you just admit to her that you are being a jerk,...just come out and say it to her and would like some guidance from her on how to feel more comfortable with serious conversations. I think she would really appreciate the honesty. Start there. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

6 hours ago, LoveTruely said:

Hey everyone.

I thank you for all of your responses. I know that I feel like crap for doing this to her. When I was upset with my ex about my child she allowed me to vent to her. She listened. Days after that I was still in a mood and she lifted me up with her kind words and gestures. Bad day at work, she helps me if I’m in a bad mood. I can pick my phone and see a full paragraph of texts just encouraging me through my tough times. I can’t even explain how it makes me feel. I hate I do this. I must grow up mentally. I can tell she gets tired by the all of a sudden wanting to get off. Her voice. I notice she doesn’t bother mentioning it bothers her anymore now because, I always make it about me and then she feels bad and goes back to the encouragement to me. I was not smart to message other women in social media that was on me. She deleted hers years back. I sit and scroll there when I have a slow day at work or when I’m home. Writing this makes me feel horrible. Her birthday is coming up and I will have my 1 year old and not able to have a sitter. She even understanding I can’t spend it with her. So I’ll spend it with her the following weekend. I’m thinking I need to make it very special. 

I would tell her all of this. I mean...this is beautiful. 

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, LoveTruely said:

Hey everyone.

I thank you for all of your responses. I know that I feel like crap for doing this to her. When I was upset with my ex about my child she allowed me to vent to her. She listened. Days after that I was still in a mood and she lifted me up with her kind words and gestures. Bad day at work, she helps me if I’m in a bad mood. I can pick my phone and see a full paragraph of texts just encouraging me through my tough times. I can’t even explain how it makes me feel. I hate I do this. I must grow up mentally. I can tell she gets tired by the all of a sudden wanting to get off. Her voice. I notice she doesn’t bother mentioning it bothers her anymore now because, I always make it about me and then she feels bad and goes back to the encouragement to me. I was not smart to message other women in social media that was on me. She deleted hers years back. I sit and scroll there when I have a slow day at work or when I’m home. Writing this makes me feel horrible. Her birthday is coming up and I will have my 1 year old and not able to have a sitter. She even understanding I can’t spend it with her. So I’ll spend it with her the following weekend. I’m thinking I need to make it very special. 

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much OP.  This is the dynamic you and she have established together and it may sound odd, but since she's sticking around and not complaining, she may actually prefer it this way on some sort of subconscious level.

If you changed and suddenly became this "nice" guy, attentive and showing HER with attention and devotion, it's quite possible she may not be quite so enthralled anymore.  

Again, I know it sounds odd but there are women like this, total givers, romantic martyrs, giving up their needs, their life, for their partner's.

It's not healthy but hey you don't her her complaining do you?  She just keeps giving and giving.

I've talked to men who were in relationships very much like yours and once they changed and became the nice attentive guy, the givers, suddenly their girlfriends lost interest and attraction and dumped them.

For real.

 

 

Edited January 11, 2023 by poppyfields

[TheReLoved209]

I have been with my girl for a while now. We have a great time together. We have our ups and downs like all relationships do. We bicker..argue..but eventually come together and talk. I admit that my communication sucks but she has and remains patient with me. I also admit I messed up I the beginning and I hurt her. I was secretly talking to other women online and she caught me. I lied about it still even is I knew she knew the truth. She did eventually accept and we worked on things. Now I know I can’t control when she “gets over” my betrayal. But she now thinks I am going to hurt her. I truly can see that fear in her. I hate I hurt her like that. I do. She sometimes accuses me of things, and I already know where that comes from. I never accuse her because she honestly doesn’t give me the reason to. She let me meet her mother and I knew that was a big big step for her.
Recently we had an issue and she called me out for it. I told her I was still at work and she knew I normally get off at a certain time. I lied about it. I don’t even know why. I lied to her. I told her I was still working when I wasn’t. I was home. She caught me because when I told her I was now leaving work, she called my phone. In her mind I should be in the car driving and she heard nothing but silence. Other times when I’m driving she knows the sound. She asked me what I was doing and me knowing I’m lying I got defensive. I yelled at her “I’m driving what the heck you men, you want to FaceTime me or something!” I already knew she wasn’t going to FaceTime me. Smh. It was such a small petty argument and I stupidly lied. She got off the phone crying. I’m sure she thinks I was with someone or talking to someone else. I know she knows I lied and I got annoyed. She questioned me and I got annoyed. Please help me what can I do? She cried getting off the phone. This is small but I want my girl. She has a right to accuse me at times, I did that to her I hurt her. I lied to her face on the past. Please help.

[basil67]

Sorry mate, but I think you'll find yourself dumped over this.  And given your history, rightfully so.   

Meanwhile, I can't get over the fact that you call this "small".  Lying with a reason can possibly be worked through, but lying with no reason is a whole new level of nonsensical.  To make it worse, you yelled at her when you were the one clearly in the wrong.   

My only suggestion is to go to therapy and work out why you lie.  It may be too late to save this relationship but it will put you in a better place for when you start dating again.

 

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, TheReLoved209 said:

.This is small but I want my girl. She has a right to accuse me at times, I did that to her I hurt her. I lied to her face on the past. 

Are you the same poster as @LoveTruely ?

How long have you been dating? How old is she? It's not a "small" problem. Compulsive or pathological lying can be helped with therapy. It's not her job to tolerate it, since it's abusive. It's your responsibility to examine what's going on with you. 

Edited January 28, 2023 by Wiseman2