Frustrated about limited time spent together

[Holly566]

I’ve been in a relationship for over a year now and I’m getting increasingly more worried that we aren’t spending enough time together, particularly as we don’t live far away- except we sort of do.
 

I’ve got a weekday 9-5 job, so does he but it’s more flexible and he doesn’t have to work within those hours all the time. He’s also got a side hustle back in his home town where his mum lives. He’s got to go to visit her every weekend so he’s there both Saturday and Sunday- it’s over an hour away. I have absolutely no problem with it because of the circumstances and I know people sometimes have caring responsibilities and it can’t be helped. The thing is, that only leaves us with weekday evenings. Mostly a few hours because I can’t deal with a late night before work. I also go to college on one evening and do various things in the evening apart from Monday and Friday but I’m happy to give things a miss if it means spending time together. He often travels with his main job too, weeks at a time, sometimes these trips aren’t essential but he goes anyway, even if I get sad.
 

The other thing is as well is that around Christmas time, he went and did a temporary job that was in the evenings. I was SO angry because we’d talked about not spending enough time together as it was. He’s also talked about getting other jobs too. It almost feels like he doesn’t have time for a relationship and I’m just being dragged around, no proper attention apart from texting, no buying me flowers, basically just prioritising other things or seeking other things out. I know he’s got responsibilities and that’s fine, but to find other things to do when time is already limited with us makes me feel awful. He hasn’t listened to me.

 I sometimes question if we’ll actually work out, but honestly when I’m with him, it’s amazing. Things were better when my job was part time but I had to go full time. We had great times together and the couple of hours are great. But he’s acting like he’s single and I feel quite alone. I’m all for living your own individual life but he’s basically filling his timetable to the max, with little room for me, and speaking about making it worse.

Am I just being over dramatic? I thought things were easier and that I’d be able to see my partner more than a couple of hours a week, if that. Is he just not thinking about me and my needs?

 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

  he’s acting like he’s single and I feel quite alone. 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're starting to see some important incompatibilities. It's important to listen to your feelings.

In this case you're not happy with a part-time BF. It's also important to observe that people make time for whatever is important to him.

You've already spoken to him about it and he seems indifferent to you and the relationship.

He doesn't seem to value the relationship and seems to take for granted that you'll stick around despite how uninvolved he chooses to be.

Edited January 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

I don't know how long you've been together, but in April last year, you were stressed about it then too.

Can I ask why he has to spend two days with his mother?  I understand visiting on a regular basis, but is she in a situation where she needs support and there's nobody else to do it on weekends?   And is there any reason you can't go there some of the times?   

[Holly566]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I don't know how long you've been together, but in April last year, you were stressed about it then too.

Can I ask why he has to spend two days with his mother?  I understand visiting on a regular basis, but is she in a situation where she needs support and there's nobody else to do it on weekends?   And is there any reason you can't go there some of the times?   

Since about October 2021.

I don’t know why he spends 2 whole days and why it can’t just be in the week instead but yes, she cant drive anymore and it would be risky for her to catch a bus to get groceries etc. apparently. She’s hard of hearing and I think her knees aren’t great atm. The family aren’t helping, he’s the only one who will do it.

If I went, I’d have to get up early in the morning on a Saturday  (again not sure why it has to be in the morning) which isn’t really ideal for me, and plus would be a long time sat in the car travelling and shopping. I suppose I could go there sometimes but there wouldn’t be much freedom.

[stillafool]

If you are his girlfriend and have been for a year why can't he take you with him to his mother's house some weekends?  That doesn't make sense to me.  Most parents would expect that their kids would bring their partners with them sometimes.  Don't they want to know you?  It sound like he's taking you for granted and you're a very low priority in his life.  Are you sure he isn't seeing other girls too?

[Holly566]

2 minutes ago, stillafool said:

If you are his girlfriend and have been for a year why can't he take you with him to his mother's house some weekends?  That doesn't make sense to me.  Most parents would expect that their kids would bring their partners with them sometimes.  Don't they want to know you?  It sound like he's taking you for granted and you're a very low priority in his life.  Are you sure he isn't seeing other girls too?

I have no clue, he’s never asked me to go with him. I guess. I’ve only met her once and she didn’t seem to be that interested in me tbf, maybe she feels guilty or something. 

I’d like to hope he isn’t but will never know probably 

[stillafool]

21 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

I have no clue, he’s never asked me to go with him.

I think that's odd considering he goes every weekend, don't you?  Why haven't you asked him about it?

[Els]

If you want a LTR, this isn't the person for you. One year in, and the majority of your relationship has been fraught with unhappiness and stress for you. It's not even circumstantial - his circumstances aren't anything out of the ordinary, it's his choices that are the problem. And that says a lot about how he feels about your relationship.

FWIW, I don't think most people would be happy with a relationship where you only see each other for a couple of hours a week. I wouldn't be, unless there was actual long distance preventing us from seeing each other more (with an end date for closing the distance), or some other temporary issue. In your case, it sounds like this will be mostly permanent - this is how things will continue to be, if you stay with him.

Also, I feel like you might have posted in the wrong subforum? "Long distance relationships" require actual physical distance between the two people, not just emotional distance or one person choosing not to see the other person more often.

Edited January 28, 2023 by Els

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

I think that's odd considering he goes every weekend, don't you?  Why haven't you asked him about it?

Yeah I guess that’s true, but maybe he thinks it would be boring for me

ive just asked him and he said cos there’s no space for me to sleep seeing as it’s 2 days 

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

Yeah I guess that’s true, but maybe he thinks it would be boring for me

ive just asked him and he said cos there’s no space for me to sleep seeing as it’s 2 days 

If you're with him you won't be bored, will you?  Where does he sleep when he goes over there?  Why again does he have to go every weekend?

[basil67]

Seems to be some significant communication issues going on here.  Does he know how you're feeling about this?  

[Holly566]

3 minutes ago, Els said:

If you want a LTR, this isn't the person for you. One year in, and the majority of your relationship has been fraught with unhappiness and stress for you. It's not even circumstantial - his circumstances aren't anything out of the ordinary, it's his choices that are the problem. And that says a lot about how he feels about your relationship.

FWIW, I don't think most people would be happy with a relationship where you only see each other for a couple of hours a week. I wouldn't be, unless there was actual long distance preventing us from seeing each other more (with an end date for closing the distance), or some other temporary issue. In your case, it sounds like this will be mostly permanent - this is how things will continue to be, if you stay with him.

Also, I feel like you might have posted in the wrong subforum? "LDRs" require actual physical distance between the two people, not just emotional distance or one person choosing not to see the other person more often.

I suppose but he’s convincing me he loves me and wants to spend time with me, enjoys spending time with me etc. And I can tell when we are together. I just don’t understand this obsession with finding other things to do, it might not even be about me and replacing time with me. Hes just not thinking straight. 
 

I only posted it here because with the hour trip to his house at the weekend it’s kind of like long distance but I wasn’t really sure which place to put this haha

[Holly566]

1 minute ago, stillafool said:

If you're with him you won't be bored, will you?  Where does he sleep when he goes over there?  Why again does he have to go every weekend?

Well no, but maybe at the store I will be

he sleeps in his old room, it’s his family home. It’s a small house. 
 

Because she does a weekly shop and probably wants company every week

[Holly566]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Seems to be some significant communication issues going on here.  Does he know how you're feeling about this?  

Yes, I have told him but he just tries to reassure me that everything is fine and he just ‘has to do things.’ Although the finding other things to do never seems to stop.

[Lotsgoingon]

Don't let that mother visit intimidate you. He's a grown adult, and if he wants to be with you, he needs to find a way to be with you. And that means giving you quality time.

One problem with the mother visits ... well several problems. You do NOT want to assume he HAS to do this. He may just have a son-mommy relationship with some odd attachment to him mom, and that odd attachment would apply whether she's health or not.  By odd attachment I mean could be that his mother can guilt him into compliance with the blink of an eye. And that dynamic is nearly impossible to break if the person doesn't work hard to break it. 

In other words, he's dating his mother and you are some minor part of things .

Why doesn't he pay for her to get uber rides? Really bad sign that he does this.  I mean REALLY bad sign. Sounds strange but I have seen this kind of dynamic all the time and it's easy to assume he's doing it because he's caring. Nope, a good chance he's doing it because he has some attachment that doesn't allow him to think for himself. Why can't he just go one day every other week? 

To be alarmingly honest: have you ruled out a gf or a wife? I wouldn't trust any guy (and I'm guy) who says he has to go away every weekend for two days. I would not trust him. Have you been there with the mom to see what's going on? 

You need to dump this guy, doesn't matter how much fun he is when you're with him. It's easy to be fun when you hardly see someone! Easy to be fun when you starve the other person for attention. 

Add in that he takes these jobs and doesn't tell you--jobs that take him away from you--and the signs here are all bad. He may have an intimacy problem. Some people with super-tight relationships with their moms do have this problem. In his mind, you could be competing with his mom. Or getting close to you might be terrifying, so he comes up with reasons why he has to be away. 

As the voice says when retail stores begin to close, "Please make your way towards the exit." Get out of this thing. 

 

Edited January 28, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Wiseman2]

24 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

Yes, I have told him but he just tries to reassure me that everything is fine and he just ‘has to do things.’ Although the finding other things to do never seems to stop.

Pay attention to your own feelings. Do not tag along to the mother's house. That's not quality relationship time. It doesn't solve the overall problem of him not prioritizing you.  His mother is not the problem. He is.

He's "fine", but you're not. Don't deny yourself the relationship you hope for because he's "too busy".

  It's only been a year so reflect if becoming more entrenched with someone who makes no time for you is worth the headaches and heartaches.

  The longer you stay the longer you won't find a man who wants to build a relationship with you rather than just hang out a few hours a week. 

Edited January 28, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

51 minutes ago, Holly566 said:

Yes, I have told him but he just tries to reassure me that everything is fine and he just ‘has to do things.’ Although the finding other things to do never seems to stop.

OK, so he's not hearing you and is making no effort to meet your needs.  Time to end it.   You're still so young - don't waste your time on a guy who won't make adequate time for you.  

Also, when you do end it, I'll lay money that he'll say "But our relationship is great!" or "You should have told me how you felt".  Make sure you have some preprepared responses to shut him right down.

 

[ShyViolet]

It's time to end this.  This man does not have time for you, that is clear.  He's making no efforts to make more time for you.  It sounds like he is actively finding lots of other things to keep him busy so he can't spend a lot of time with you.  I absolutely think he's subconsciously doing this on purpose.  He's not interested in spending more time with you and that's not going to change.

When a relationship makes you feel more unfulfilled and stressed out than happy, then you shouldn't be in it.

[Alpacalia]

I'm a proponent of 1-2 times a week. I prefer that time during the week if it works with my partner.

The way I see it, you are making yourself too readily available to him by asking for his permission on a regular basis to hang out with him for a certain number of days of the week. This guy would want to be with you whenever the timing is right - and after a year he does not need you to set a rule about the number of times you see each other. I don't think you should have to beg him for time.

Instead of imposing rules or looking for reasons why he doesn't want to see you more, put your own time to use with activities and friend catch-ups.

I know this sounds backwards, but relationships are often the result of a subtle dance between scarcity and demand (which makes them seem like games - and they shouldn't be - but setting rules is equally game-like, so it's just another way of doing it).

It's possible that if you start filling your time with things that make you feel good, such as exercising, creating art, playing sports, making friends, baking - whatever it is, he'll snap out of it once he realizes you're not putting him on this pedestal and begging for his time, but it may also make YOU feel good to stop orbiting around this guy that doesn't make you feel appreciated.

If your love language relies on spending time together and your boyfriend wants to limit seeing you to once a week, they probably aren’t the one. And that’s okay!

Edited January 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alvi]

I checked your age and you are so young! I am guessing this guy is around your age. Which means that he is young too. I was constantly working 3-4 jobs when I was in my early till late 20th. Basically, I was trying to earn as much money as I could and it was my first priority. I am guessing that earning money is also a number one priority for your BF. Can you fault him for working and taking more jobs and side hassles? Well, I suppose there is no right or wrong answer here.

About him mother. I am also very close to my parents and help them out a lot. And they are getting in age where they need more and more help. Would I stop caring about them if my BF sees it as a problem? No way. Is is a bad thing that he helps his mother? Sure, he spends a lot less time with you because of that but she is his mother. Who are we to say that he should not help her. Again, there is no right or wrong here.

I believe you when you say that he wants to be with you but I don't think that you are his number one priority. He is probably giving you as much time and attention as he can. Between his jobs helping his relative there is not much time left for you. He has too much on his plate at the moment. It may or may not change in the future.

Some women with busy schedules of their own might totally be OK with it. There are plenty of men (and women) out there who have several jobs, kids, friends, hobbies, commitments, responsibilities, etc.,,But many of them do date and have partners. Perhaps they juggle things a bit better or perhaps their partners has his or her own life as well and don't ask much attention from them. And that is fine too.

But you are you. If you were older, perhaps I would say for you to hang on and give your partner some space to handle things on his own. I would suggest (if you were older) to keep yourself busy with things as well. But you are so young! Seriously. consider ending things if this relationship is not making you happy and is not meeting your needs. Don't waste  years and years on someone who cannot fully make you a priority and give you a time and attention that you crave. There are plenty of guys out there who can  make time for you. 

I know the two of you are not there yet, but do you think things are going to change if the two of you move in together?

He is not a bad guy, in fact he sounds like an absolutely wonderful guy.  But that being said, he is probably not the right one for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think he wants to prioritize your relationship, OP. 

You are what he does when he doesn't have anything else going on. He's not happily making much room for you in his life, and even though you have talked about it, nothing seems to have changed. This is how he feels about you, unfortunately - you just aren't in his top priorities. 

I would end it, personally. He can't give you the relationship you would like to have. 

[glows]

15 hours ago, Holly566 said:

I suppose but he’s convincing me he loves me and wants to spend time with me, enjoys spending time with me etc. And I can tell when we are together. I just don’t understand this obsession with finding other things to do, it might not even be about me and replacing time with me. Hes just not thinking straight. 

I can’t speak for him here and I think this is best in reflection privately on your own or in conversation with him. Ask him what these events and extra work mean to him or what these visits mean to his childhood home. 

In my experience, individuals who are unsettled or feeling inadequate overcompensate in other ways. You likely don’t know him very well or aren’t seeing a lot of his issues and insecurities as he may not be as open with you. 

What is critical here is that you get the feeling he’s not thinking straight. Your account of things gives the impression that he’s a senseless, proverbial chicken with no head. You don’t understand him or what he does and this will inevitably tear you both apart. Figure out a way to understand one another or go your separate ways but have a clear idea of what the situation really is about and what your needs are in a relationship.

Edited January 29, 2023 by glows

[poppyfields]

Are you sure he's actually visiting his mom and not another girlfriend or wife?  

I mean actual proof NOT just what he's telling you.  

Like have you talked to his mom while he's visiting?  

This entire situation screams "wrong" to me, he's hiding something.

I mean every single weekend?  

Something is not jiving. 

I hope I'm wrong.

[Alpacalia]

On 1/28/2023 at 3:00 PM, Holly566 said:

I suppose but he’s convincing me he loves me and wants to spend time with me, enjoys spending time with me etc. And I can tell when we are together. I just don’t understand this obsession with finding other things to do, it might not even be about me and replacing time with me. Hes just not thinking straight. 

It is his priorities that are keeping him from prioritizing you. There's little time for you from him. Can you live with your boyfriend's choices - as they are right now - without him changing? Because you can’t change who he is. The only thing you can do is engage his attention in a few ways without manipulating or controlling him, but you can't change anything about his personality, lifestyle, or habits unless he wants to.

Can you justify your decision to sacrifice your own happiness and not move forward if he can't commit to being with you in the present in a way that is satisfying for you? What's the point of living such a boring life? Your life has more potential than being some dude's girlfriend.

Edited January 30, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Holly566]

42 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

It is his priorities that are keeping him from prioritizing you. There's little time for you from him. Can you live with your boyfriend's choices - as they are right now - without him changing? Because you can’t change who he is. The only thing you can do is engage his attention in a few ways without manipulating or controlling him, but you can't change anything about his personality, lifestyle, or habits unless he wants to.

Can you justify your decision to sacrifice your own happiness and not move forward if he can't commit to being with you in the present in a way that is satisfying for you? What's the point of living such a boring life? Your life has more potential than being some dude's girlfriend.

I don’t think I can really live with him adding to his busy schedule with additional jobs he doesn’t need. Hes already got 2 which are perfectly well paid, above average jobs. I don’t understand his job habits and why he doesn’t think to organise things with me before looking into jobs or other things to fill his time. I mean imagine if we got married and have kids, his mum may still need care, he’ll be off travelling with his current work (as mentioned above he travels weeks at a time with work), and I’ll just be left here with no help. I know some wives and girlfriends have that but usually they already know the nature of their job (e.g. police, pilot etc.) but he doesn’t have one of those jobs. 
 

Seeing as I’ve spoken to him and he’s clearly not listening, I can’t live with someone who doesn’t listen to me. He can explain himself but then if he carries on searching for jobs in front of me then that’s disrespectful, he’s basically asking for a break up then.

and yes that’s very true. I felt the other day like I was taking enough time for myself because I was constantly wondering where he was or when the next time we’d do something together would be and it was taking up time where I could’ve been focusing on myself.

Its tough because a relationship is possible here, it’s just down to how he’s actually dealing with the situations he’s in. If you don’t have time for another job then tough, you have to think about your gf at some point or don’t have one, it should be that simple.