Alpacalia Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 Just, stop. Right now he is keeping his entire existing life separate from you. That is a red flag. Now you're resorting yourself to twisting yourself in knots. Step back. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holly566 Posted January 30, 2023 Author Share Posted January 30, 2023 16 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Just, stop. Right now he is keeping his entire existing life separate from you. That is a red flag. Now you're resorting yourself to twisting yourself in knots. Step back. That’s easy for you to say though. I understand why you think it and I’ll be cautious but I can’t jump to any conclusions yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holly566 Posted January 30, 2023 Author Share Posted January 30, 2023 Just now, Holly566 said: That’s easy for you to say though. I understand why you think it and I’ll be cautious but I can’t jump to any conclusions yet. Other than just be tired of it and leave I guess Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 (edited) Holly, re his mom living one hour away, do you realize many people (including myself for a period of time) commute one hour (or more) each way, to and from work, every single day? One hour is NOTHING, it's not "long distance" not sure why you even created this thread in this section. You're in a serious case of denial I'm afraid. It's clear he's hiding something, whether it's another girl or he prefers to be free on weekends to hang with his friends, or both, he is NOT wanting to be with you; he has a whole other life/agenda that he's not being honest with you about. If this were me, assuming I allowed it to get this far which I wouldn't, I wouldn't even ask him, he will only deny and accuse you of not trusting him. That is typically how such things go down. I understand how difficult pulling yourself out of denial is. It would mean acknowledging the man/relationship you thought him/it to be doesn't exist and you're faced with no other choice but to end it. Which you're obviously not ready to do. So you will continue making excuses, justifying, rationalizing away extremely questionable behavior telling yourself stories in order to make it okay to stay. Sadly, It's quite common. Done it myself until I got smarter and stopped living in never-never land. Again I wish you all the best. Edited January 30, 2023 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 24 minutes ago, Holly566 said: That’s easy for you to say though. I understand why you think it and I’ll be cautious but I can’t jump to any conclusions yet. No. When you're frustrated and at the end of your rope you need to communicate in a firm but non-confrontational way that you will not accept that behavior. It is as good as nothing if your boyfriend doesn't make time for you, which he doesn't, especially after you ask him to, then the relationship is as broken as a car with a flat tire. The real problem lies in the fact that you are the only one bending over backwards to make things work with him, not him. There is a line, and you are the only one who can draw it. I understand how difficult it is to be so deeply attached to someone that you do not want to walk away from them. If you find yourself upset over him more so than smiling-- then the answer is clear as day, it is time to walk away. No relationship should become that draining. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 3 hours ago, Holly566 said: What if this was all true and I dump him for no reason? It may be time to reflect if you're happy with a part-time relationship. You could add unfounded suspicions of cheating to the mix, but the bottom line is you don't seem happy that he's perpetually too busy for you. So you don't need an imaginary excuse that maybe he's cheating to end things. You need to reflect if someone who has no time for you is worth this level of headaches heartaches and loneliness. That in itself is enough reason to end things without nefarious theories about where he actually is. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 12 hours ago, Holly566 said: I basically cried on the floor to stop him going over Valentine’s week. So yeah suppose that’s bad on his part. Pretty bad on your part too. You have lowered yourself to the behaviour of a two year old to try and manipulate him into doing what you want. Where is your self respect? We are three pages in and basically you have two choices: a) accept him as he is and stop complaining b) decide you can't accept it and break up It really is this simple. And it's Valentines Day. Not Valentines Week Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 So lets sum up: He has a day job that can be flexible so he can spend time with you, but he doesn't. He goes on trips that he doesn't really need to go on, but he does. He spends every weekend with his mother who seems to take care of herself during the week just fine. He could very easily come back and spend the evenings with you on the weekend, but he doesn't because he would rather spend his time with his friends. He never invites you to go with him and when you brought it up he said no, makes stupid excuses. He wants to take on other jobs which will basically take the rest of his time from you. That valentines week should have been spent with you, but again, he chose to spend it with someone else. Can you see what we see here OP? None of this is right. He is completely avoiding spending any time with you. Drive up there one weekend without him knowing and see what he does and who he meets with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Holly566 Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 14 hours ago, basil67 said: Pretty bad on your part too. You have lowered yourself to the behaviour of a two year old to try and manipulate him into doing what you want. Where is your self respect? We are three pages in and basically you have two choices: a) accept him as he is and stop complaining b) decide you can't accept it and break up It really is this simple. And it's Valentines Day. Not Valentines Week How can you compare me to a two year old. Calm down. we’re 3 pages in because you’re all asking me questions. No actually, I said Valentine’s week meaning the week Valentine’s Day is on. Don’t try and correct me just to be petty. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 21 hours ago, Holly566 said: Other than just be tired of it and leave I guess That may be the best option. You've know him long enough and you certainly have enough reasons to end it. He won't make time for you. You're unhappy and there's no change in this. You don't need to find more reasons than that. Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 1, 2023 Share Posted February 1, 2023 (edited) 13 hours ago, Holly566 said: How can you compare me to a two year old Here's how. Two year olds cry on the floor to get their way, mature grown ups don't. I'm surprised this even needed explaining. Another comparison. The equivalent of a child holding their hands over their ears going "lalalalalalala" to avoid the pain of hearing something they don't want to hear. I dont mean to be hurtful but wake up girl. Please and seriously. This may be the worst case of denial I've seen in a very long time. I'm truly sorry. Edited February 1, 2023 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted February 1, 2023 Share Posted February 1, 2023 (edited) Holly, first off I apologize for my previous post. Secondly, are you familiar with the term "commitmentphobia"? If not, Google it for understanding. Your boyfriend is classic case; I know this because my brother is one and he behaves the exact same way, almost to a Tee! This is not just a man not wanting to commit. It goes much deeper than that, there are books, articles. I suggest you familiarize yourself so you know what to avoid next time. When I read you threw yourself on the floor crying, I knew right then your boyfriend suffers from this.. A commitmentphobe's behavior is so confusing, so crazy-making, they could make Mother Teresa lose her ****!! Its about avoidance, anxiety, fear and creating as much distance as possible, mentally, emotionally, physically. I don't think he "has" to visit mom every weekend; it's his ready-made escape for the weekend, to create distance. A built-in and quite plausible excuse so you won't question it. But trust me, it's intentional. I think he does love you, that may actually be the problem. The emotion and what it means causes so much anxiety, they begin feeling, boxed in, suffocated, I've witnessed my brother having a full blown panic attack when he begins falling in love with a woman. It defies logic and common sense, right? Well, it's about fear. And anxiety. And a host of other things. I would strongly recommend you walk away from this. He's too damaged and it takes years of therapy to resolve it. My brother has been in therapy for ten years and he still either creates so much distance, his girlfriends leave or HE runs. Please consider what I'm saying. Acknowledge it may be a very strong possibility. Edited February 1, 2023 by poppyfields Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 1, 2023 Share Posted February 1, 2023 On 1/30/2023 at 8:55 AM, Holly566 said: That’s easy for you to say though. I understand why you think it and I’ll be cautious but I can’t jump to any conclusions yet. You don't need to jump to conclusions. It is unfortunate that you need to act as a detective to end a relationship that isn't working if you do not have the strength to move on. In the absence of trust, what do you have left? If you absolutely cannot bear not knowing, the low road is another alternative. Link to post Share on other sites
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