3 Months Post Break up and Met a New Girl

[GoBuckeyes]

I am two months out from a breakup of a two year relationship that really broke me. I have done a lot to try to process get over the relationship including therapy, journaling, and joining a kickboxing gym to be able to take my frustrations out on a bag. The two year relationship was one that I thought was endgame. We had talked about marriage, kids, and were planning our future together. Then she broke up with me. I moved to a new city for medical school in August. The plan was to do long distance for a year and then have her move down with me so we could start building our life together. This is something that seemed perfect as she was looking for a career change and I live in a fairly large city. She was already 12 hours away from her family so there wasn't too many reasons to stay where she is other than her friends. Then, around 4 months later, she told me that she would never move to the city I was living in. She told me she thought our lives were taking us in different directions. It broke me to my core. I was in a deep depression for months, a lot of it just with me to handle alone in my apartment. I am finally feeling mostly like myself again and I am happy with where I am in my life. Some days are still hard, but that is just part of the process of healing.

A week ago, I was hanging out and getting to know one of my classmates. She is amazing, beautiful, and so much more intelligent than me. She confessed that she had a crush on me since I had started medical school with her, but that I seemed disinterested. Of course I told her that this was because I was in a relationship and my loyalties lied there. We went on a date and now have plans to hang out later this week. We are so similar, there was a lot of chemistry, and she is genuinely a terrific person. 

However, I almost have this guilt? I feel guilty to move on and try to pursue something more with this girl. I genuinely loved my ex more than anything and I think a piece of me will always have love for her. She did me wrong, and it hurt so badly but I was able to pull myself up from the depths. I don't see this as a rebound because there is a lot of potential there and ultimately my goal for dating has always been to find the person I am going to marry. This entire thing may not even lead to anything, but I would be in remiss if I didn't at least try because how amazing of a person she is. I would want to take things slow and just get to know her extremely well and maybe it will lead to something more. I am curious on people's thoughts on this? The last thing I want to do is cause this girl emotional harm in anyway, not that I would, but even the possibility. I just feel like I deserve love and to find that person even if my ex gave up on me and what we had. Thoughts?

[basil67]

My first thought is to say that your ex didn't do you wrong.  "Doing wrong" is stealing your money or cheating on you or saying terrible things about you to her friends.   But this breakup was about her recognising that the direction you were heading was not what she wanted, and so she made the decision which she needed to make for herself.  I know it's hard to think in this way, but making plans doesn't mean that a person will never change their mind.  And it's OK to change our mind....especially by the sound of things, you are college aged and (I assume) still comparatively young.  

It might seem odd that I start my response in this way, but I think that a different view of how it all ended may make it easier for you to move on.   It's OK to stop caring about the ex.  And honestly the only reason to feel guilty would be if you were still actively loving your ex and started dating this new woman - it would be so unfair to the new woman you date.    But you should not feel the slightest bit guilty about letting yourself move on. 

Anyway, as you are still carrying a flame for your ex, I'd be honest with the woman who's interested in you and say that you're interested in her too, but need a bit of time to sort your head it.   Use that time to start shedding all the feelings you have for your ex

 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, GoBuckeyes said:

I don't see this as a rebound

But that's exactly what it will be. 

Your previous thread indicates you are nowhere near over your ex, which is normal and understandable. Trying to date now is not going to go well since you have not healed and moved on. I would put the brakes on this and let yourself get to a point where you feel mostly indifferent about your ex. Then you will be ready to make space in your life for someone else. 

 

[JTSW]

6 hours ago, GoBuckeyes said:

She did me wrong

How exactly did she do you wrong?

She realised that moving to your city was not what she wanted and made the decision on what is best for her.

2 months is a very short time to jump into another relationship, and while this new girl is a great distraction, you feelings will likely change.

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, GoBuckeyes said:

  I told her that this was because I was in a relationship and my loyalties lied there. We went on a date and now have plans to hang out later this week. 

You're doing the right thing moving on. Take your time and enjoy getting to know the new woman. You've given her the heads up about your breakup so you're not leading her on. Discontinue all contact with the ex. Focus on a viable future with better suited women.

[GoBuckeyes]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

How exactly did she do you wrong?

She realised that moving to your city was not what she wanted and made the decision on what is best for her.

2 months is a very short time to jump into another relationship, and while this new girl is a great distraction, you feelings will likely change.

Appreciate the reply. I may be wrong here in my outlook and please tell me if my thinking is wrong. In talking things out with my therapist it seemed like she was lying and manipulating me. She had told me for months that she was looking into jobs where I am living. She even asked me to move to her home city, which is about ten hours away from me, for residency. I agreed as if she was going to move for me during medical school of course I would move to be near her family. 

Me moving to a different city for medical school was something that was known from the get go in the relationship. We talked about it extensively about what being in a relationship with me meant. That we would have to do long distance and eventually she would move so we could build our life together. It wasn't as if this was something brand new that we hadn't talked about extensively. She told me that she wanted to marry me and she was in the perfect position in her life to move to another city. Then she broke up with me in a four minute conversation over the phone. I contacted her later that day with a letter telling her how thankful I was for the past two years, how much love I had for her, how much this hurt, and how much I believed in her and wished for her happiness. She didn't reply. I have not contacted her since and she has not contacted me. 

Over the past 2 weeks or so, something clicked in my mind and it has helped me to get over her. She didn't give me any closure over a 2 year relationship. She threw me away like I was nothing and didn't even have enough respect for me to reply to my letter. That is honestly all the closure that I needed. The thought in my mind was "Would the person I want to spend the rest of my life with leave me so easily?" Since then, I have felt much better about the situation and given myself the closure that she didn't give. 

Are there still hard days? Of course. This is a person who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But I have accepted that if she thought she would be happier without me, then so be it. I really did want and still do want her to be happy. I guess I just wish she figured that out before I fell in love with her and she told me all these things that just don't seem to be true. 

I understand that 3 months is a short time period. The last thing I want to do is cause emotional harm to someone else. I have been open to her about my ex and letting her know that I am still healing. She said she still wanted to see where things go with us. This is something very new and may not even lead to a relationship. But if the prevailing opinion is that I am not ready and that I could cause her harm, I would definitely take a step back and continue to just focus on myself as I have been. 

 

[GoBuckeyes]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

My first thought is to say that your ex didn't do you wrong.  "Doing wrong" is stealing your money or cheating on you or saying terrible things about you to her friends.   But this breakup was about her recognising that the direction you were heading was not what she wanted, and so she made the decision which she needed to make for herself.  I know it's hard to think in this way, but making plans doesn't mean that a person will never change their mind.  And it's OK to change our mind....especially by the sound of things, you are college aged and (I assume) still comparatively young.  

It might seem odd that I start my response in this way, but I think that a different view of how it all ended may make it easier for you to move on.   It's OK to stop caring about the ex.  And honestly the only reason to feel guilty would be if you were still actively loving your ex and started dating this new woman - it would be so unfair to the new woman you date.    But you should not feel the slightest bit guilty about letting yourself move on. 

Anyway, as you are still carrying a flame for your ex, I'd be honest with the woman who's interested in you and say that you're interested in her too, but need a bit of time to sort your head it.   Use that time to start shedding all the feelings you have for your ex

 

Appreciate the reply. I replied below to another comment and it may add some more context. I will say, I no longer "actively" love her. I think love is different for everyone. For me, when I love someone that doesn't just go away. While I will never get back with my ex, I will always still have love for her and wish the absolute best for her. She has a piece of me and I think that is part of life. I think it just shows that the love I had for her was real and genuine. But things have gotten a lot easier and I can look at the situation with more compassion. 

[JTSW]

18 hours ago, GoBuckeyes said:

it seemed like she was lying and manipulating me. She had told me for months that she was looking into jobs where I am living.

I see now, do you think that she never intended to move to your city?

[GoBuckeyes]

7 hours ago, JTSW said:

I see now, do you think that she never intended to move to your city?

It has definitely crossed my mind. At the end of the day, I will never fully be sure and that's okay. I think the hardest thing to get over is how much I put into the relationship and how much I truly loved her and not knowing if she even felt the same. During the relationship, it certainly seemed that way. Now, I have no idea. But that's okay. Her leaving me like she did with no closure and leaving without even saying that she loved me, is really all the closure I need at this point. I wish the best for her and I hope she finds happiness in her own life. I truly always wanted the best for her and for her to be happy. I just thought that us being together was part of that happiness and what was best for her. Especially because she told me so many times that it was. But actions speak louder than words. At this point, I just feel like I deserve the love I gave her for myself. Hopefully, I can find someone else to match the love I am able to put into others.