Is this guy abusive? Should I break up or stay?

[disisdisaster]

Been dating this guy for [X] weeks.

Things were great and fun. During week 1-3 we met up very often. On week 3 that weekend, we went on an overnight trip together (first sex). 

We talked about exclusivity and thought we had an agreement. But then when I asked to reaffirm, he got annoyed and waivered - saying it's too soon to talk about gf/bf. I said exclusivity is different and he says they are the same and all he can say is he is not dating anyone else and has no interest in doing that but he won't explicitly say the word "exclusivity" beacuse I am forcing it. Then we got in to fight, he said it's not that he doesn't want to committ or want a serious relationship but he just thinks it's too soon and just give him 1-2 weeks and he will commit.

I would agree that 3 weeks would be too short if we were meeting once a week just for dinner thing - but we were spending a lot of time together by then.

Anyway, 1 week later, he didn't say so I followed up and again he said it's too soon. We fought on this issue again.

1 more week later, I brought up the issue again and we again had a huge fight.  He says it's not that he doesn't want to and he really likes me but he's just cautious and careful and he doesn't want to ruin my life by committing too soon (?). I was so done I gave him an ultimatum. Then he said he was going to and asked me to come out on Tuesday. Unfortunately, I was really busy with work and couldn't. So we met on Saturday instead. 

We had great time together. Still till the end of the night, he didn't say anything. So again, I brought up the issue and he said, he was going to say it on Tuesday but now he doesn't feel like saying it because in the past few days/weeks we fought so much over this bf/gf issue. I was ready to get up and leave. I was so furious at him keep postponing with such lame excuses. But that he said he loves me and that he'll say it next weekend. 

I got really mad. If you were ready to say it and even tells me you'll say it, why not say it now but ask for another week???? It's been one issue we kept fighting over and over and really there is just no reason to fight about this when both people say they both want it??? I just don't get it. 

He says he's finally ready but just let him say it (next weekend) and he loves me. 

I don't know anymore now. I think we are there, I tried so hard and he's really about to commit. But I'm so tired of fight (seriously, over becoming bf/gf? who fights over this like this much?) and this worries me that maybe he's not a good guy to be with - it looks very abusive and manipulating. Or was I really too pushy/hasty in trying to ask for exclusivity?

Should I just end the relationship? If so how? I just don't know anymore about anything.

Edited February 1, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[basil67]

No, he's not abusive.  He's clarified his stance but you're pushing and pushing and so he's getting really frustrated. He's probably on the verge of dumping you.

You said that exclusivity is different to bf/gf and I agree.   However, you're also frustrated because he won't agree to be bf/gf....so it seems like you are wanting both exclusivity and commitment.  Talk about mixed messages on your part!

As for what to do, if you're having sex with him, you have the right to decide that you don't want to have sex with someone who is open to having sex with others.   However, try to approach it differently:  Drop the word "exclusive' and simply say that your sexual health is important to you and ask if he is/will be open to sleeping with others while dating you.  If he says he is going to see others, then move on.   But if he's not going to see others,  stop hassling him about being bf/gf.  It's only three weeks, and he'd be nuts to commit while it's already so fraught with communication problems. 

 

[salparadise]

1 hour ago, disisdisaster said:

it looks very abusive and manipulating. Or was I really too pushy/hasty in trying to ask for exclusivity?

I did not see anything abusive or manipulative at all. And yes, you are definitely too pushy by bringing it up over and over like that. First you're calling it exclusivity, and then it morphs to bf/gf. So I'm not even sure what you're expecting him to commit to.

After you brought it up the first time and he said he needed more time, you should've given him more time. When he said that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and had no desire to, you should've taken that as good enough for now and allowed him to consolidate his thoughts and feelings. Now you had a bunch of fights over it and you aren't even two months into the new relationship. If I were him I'd be thinking... red flag, too much too soon. And if she doesn't get her way, it turns into a blowup. 

The smart move would've been to say well, let me know when you're ready and we can resume having sex.

@basil67 I did not read your post first, I swear. I was typing when you posted and I just kept going. 

Edited January 30, 2023 by salparadise

[basil67]

1 minute ago, salparadise said:

After you brought it up the first time and he said he needed more time, you should've given him more time. When he said that he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and had no desire to, you should've taken that as good enough for now and allowed him to consolidate his thoughts and feelings.

I missed this.   Ignore my suggestion about asking if he's sleeping with others because he's already given you an answer.  Just STOP with all the pressure and enjoy what you've got.

[disisdisaster]

40 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I missed this.   Ignore my suggestion about asking if he's sleeping with others because he's already given you an answer.  Just STOP with all the pressure and enjoy what you've got.

You guys are all focused on the wrong issue here. You should decide in or not, not stringing the other person along.

Edited January 31, 2023 by disisdisaster

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, disisdisaster said:

2 months is quite long - that just means you don't know what you want. Most people I know decide after 3-5 dates (or 1 month ish) if they want to be exclusive or not. If you need more time, and the other person is not ok then you should break up, not stringing along other person saying one week more one week more.

Maybe not abusive, but definitely manipulative.

No.  There's no manipulation either.  This is all on you.

Now, he told you that he's not sleeping with anyone else.  So you are already exclusive.

And as you said earlier, excusive is different to bf/gf and he's not ready for the latter.  But given the drama you're sending this way, this is totally understandable on his part.

[disisdisaster]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

No.  There's no manipulation either.  This is all on you.

Now, he told you that he's not sleeping with anyone else.  So you are already exclusive.

And as you said earlier, excusive is different to bf/gf and he's not ready for the latter.  But given the drama you're sending this way, this is totally understandable on his part.

[]

If you are exclusive, why refuse to say the word? I think that's just wrong.

If you already said you want to commit and goes as far to say I love you, why say I'll commit next weekend but not now? That's just weird. 

Those are the issues here ok?

Edited January 31, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Rude

[basil67]

Because he sees "exclusive" as being committed and he's not ready for that.   And yes, he'd be crazy to commit when there's so much arguing going on.

A relationship worth having (for either of you) should be smooth and easy with minimal misunderstandings

[disisdisaster]

8 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Because he sees "exclusive" as being committed and he's not ready for that.   And yes, he'd be crazy to commit when there's so much arguing going on.

A relationship worth having (for either of you) should be smooth and easy with minimal misunderstandings

I hate to argue too! OMG. So I told him I'm leaving and he wouldn't let me because he loves me?  Seriously if you hear all the details which I didn't post here, I'm sure your response will be very different.

Gosh. What am I doing here......

Edited January 31, 2023 by disisdisaster

[basil67]

1 minute ago, disisdisaster said:

I hate to argue too! OMG. So I told him I'm leaving and he wouldn't let me because he loves me?  Seriously if you hear all the details which I didn't post here, I'm sure your response will be very different.

If he loved you, he'd make you his girlfriend.   And he can't prevent you from breaking up if you want to.

[disisdisaster]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

If he loved you, he'd make you his girlfriend.   And he can't prevent you from breaking up if you want to.

Gosh you don't get it. That's what I mean. If he loves me he would. But he says he loves me and he will but he needs 1 week more. Then after 1 week. 1 week more. and on and on. And he blames me for it all.  He says things like, we would have been gf/bf by week 5 if you hadn't pushed for it or if you didn't work that day or xyz.

Edited January 31, 2023 by disisdisaster

[basil67]

9 minutes ago, disisdisaster said:

Gosh you don't get it. That's what I mean. If he loves me he would. But he says he loves me and he will but he needs 1 week more. Then after 1 week. 1 week more. and on and on. And he blames me for it all.  He says things like, we would have been gf/bf by week 5 if you hadn't pushed for it or if you didn't work that day or xyz.

OK so there are two options here:

1. Either he does truly love you and you're driving him nuts by pushing for bf/gf and he's digging his heels in.  Do you want to be bf/gf because it's what he wants, or because you pushed him into an answer?  While I certainly can't speak for all men, it's my experience that outcomes like this often work out better if we women plant the seed then leave it to germinate and then it becomes his idea.  I mean, really leave it alone and let him think about it in his own time.

2. Or if you think he doesn't love you and is stringing you along, then end it. 

Either way, stop pushing him.

 

Edited January 31, 2023 by basil67

[Alvi]

1 hour ago, disisdisaster said:

He says things like, we would have been gf/bf by week 5 if you hadn't pushed for it or if you didn't work that day or xyz.

Yeah, you are right OP. This is abusive. He blames you for things that are out of your control. It is totally ridiculous how he says that he would be your BF if you didn't work on a certain day. He is either shifting the blame on you or trying to gaslight you. Saying that I would make you my GF only if you didn't work on day A or didn't say certain things on a day B is totally ridiculous. He is playing games and wants you to take all the blame for it. He either wants to date you or he does not. His promises to you are very conditional. I am guessing that he is not mature enough.

It is possible that he is trying to manipulate you to keep you on the hook, while making empty promises and future faking. And telling you it is all your fault that things didn't work out the way he (or you) wanted them to.

But having said that, you should not push for things. He is not ready to make you his GF, ha made that perfectly clear. At most times, it is worth to let things unravel naturally. Forcing him to say and to do things that he is not ready for is not going to work out well for the two of you in a long run. 

Edited January 31, 2023 by Alvi

[NuevoYorko]

Wow, I don't get the impression that he's abusive at all.  

I just re-read the OP.  You asked him, you "thought [you] had an agreement,"  you then asked him to "reaffirm," and THEN proceeded to nag him because he would not use a word you wanted him to use:  EXCLUSIVE.  

He did tell you, in your words:

Quote

all he can say is he is not dating anyone else and has no interest in doing that 

And he told you he needed 1-2 weeks.  

After ONE week you were after him again.

You gave him no space to come to his comfort zone and feel free to open up to you on his own terms, using his own choice of words.  Push, prod, nag.  That is the way to kill a budding romance.  Honestly I'm flabbergasted that he's still around.  

[Alpacalia]

If I were to go by your first posting, it would seem to me that it is not appropriate to label someone as "abusive" based on a few isolated incidents. However, it is problematic that you've had repeated arguments over the issue of exclusivity. He is not ready to consider you his girlfriend.

2 hours ago, disisdisaster said:

But he says he loves me and he will but he needs 1 week more. Then after 1 week. 1 week more. and on and on. And he blames me for it all.  He says things like, we would have been gf/bf by week 5 if you hadn't pushed for it or if you didn't work that day or xyz.

This is concerning because it is blaming you for not being in a committed relationship and not following through on what he says he will do. This behavior may be a sign of emotional manipulation and control, and is not healthy in a relationship.

Taking the time to assess and ensuring that both partners feel valued is important. A healthy and honest discussion about your expectations and needs in a relationship is okay.

In the end, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and heard. If you continue to experience repeated arguments, and blaming, it may be best to end the relationship. It's okay to prioritize your well-being and to set boundaries in your relationships.

It is also important that you learn how to take control of your own feelings and happiness, and not let someone else dictate your relationship status.

Edited January 31, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Alvi]

12 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

In the end, you deserve to be in a relationship where you feel valued, respected, and heard. If you continue to experience repeated arguments, and blaming, it may be best to end the relationship. It's okay to prioritize your well-being and to set boundaries in your relationships.

It is also important that you learn how to take control of your own feelings and happiness, and not let someone else dictate your relationship status.

Could not have said it better!

This relationship is not making you happy OP. It is making you feel insecure and confused. Life is too short to be unhappy. This guy is not making you feel safe emotionally. You don't see a clarity or transparency with him. I think once you find the right guy, you are not likely going to question  his feelings or to resort to begging, nagging and pushing. Which are very unattractive qualities to have.  With the right person everything is going to fall nicely into it's own place.

[disisdisaster]

6 minutes ago, Alvi said:

This relationship is not making you happy OP. It is making you feel insecure and confused. Life is too short to be unhappy. This guy is not making you feel safe emotionally. You don't see a clarity or transparency with him. I think once you find the right guy, you are not likely going to question  his feelings or to resort to begging, nagging and pushing. Which are very unattractive qualities to have.  With the right person everything is going to fall nicely into it's own place.

You are right. I NEVER EVER had to do this or been in this situation before. It's just this guy keeps things vague but gives so much hope with promises and makes me push for it. I do feel insecure. But then I still have this hope that maybe once he commit (which he says he will this weekend), I would feel secure? I don't know.... we came this far....

[ExpatInItaly]

He is not abusive. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend, that much is clear. And yes, you are way too pushy and making yourself look desperate here. 

Regardless, this relationship is already dead in the water. Fighting this much and you've only been seeing other 7 weeks? Nope. This is a no-go. There is now way too much resentment and dysfunction and you two still barely know each other. 

This is never going to work. I would save yourself the hassle of delaying in the inevitable, and walk away now. It's already collapsing around you anyway. 

[birdie_b]

So he said “I love you,” and that was no big deal at all?  If someone were telling me they loved me after three weeks, I feel like I could chill if they needed more time to get comfortable with the exclusivity and gf/gf question.  Truthfully, if I was looking for “exclusivity” but what I got was “love,” I’d think I got something even better.  But it doesn’t even seem interesting to you that he loves you.

Do you love him?

Edited January 31, 2023 by birdie_b
typo

[JTSW]

Wow, you are a handful OP.

You are being so pushy and desperate and its only been a couple of weeks.

Cut him some slack.

He loves you and wants to be with you but you are making it hard for him because you push and fight him so much.

He's not abusive at all and he's not stringing you along. 

You just cannot respect it when he says its too soon.

Maybe you should break up with him so he can find someone that will actually respect him.

 

Edited January 31, 2023 by JTSW

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, Alvi said:

Could not have said it better!

This relationship is not making you happy OP. It is making you feel insecure and confused. Life is too short to be unhappy. This guy is not making you feel safe emotionally. You don't see a clarity or transparency with him. I think once you find the right guy, you are not likely going to question  his feelings or to resort to begging, nagging and pushing. Which are very unattractive qualities to have.  With the right person everything is going to fall nicely into it's own place.

Thank you. 

OP, we do not know what is affecting his decision not to commit to a relationship right now. A past relationship may still be healing him, and there is little you can do to make him whole, healed, and ready to commit.

His intent may have been to date you casually, but now that he's falling for you, he's thinking of what to do (and that wasn't his intention).

The fact is, a man may love a woman, but he might not be willing to commit to her. Even though it's frustrating, let me reiterate: it has nothing to do with you.

While you might be able to hide your unhappiness for a few months or years, when your unhappiness finally catches up with you, you'll regret that you wasted time pretending. Many men will gladly call you their girlfriend, so you'll find one.

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, disisdisaster said:

Should I just end the relationship? If so how? I just don't know anymore about anything.

Sorry this is happening. Yes it's only been around 45 days dating and already there's fighting, drama, headaches and heartaches. So yes, it may be best to cut your losses. You're not happy so why continue?

[disisdisaster]

5 hours ago, birdie_b said:

So he said “I love you,” and that was no big deal at all?  If someone were telling me they loved me after three weeks, I feel like I could chill if they needed more time to get comfortable with the exclusivity and gf/gf question.  Truthfully, if I was looking for “exclusivity” but what I got was “love,” I’d think I got something even better.  But it doesn’t even seem interesting to you that he loves you.

Do you love him?

You didn't even read the post correctly....... He said that after 6 weeks when I told him I'm really done with fighting over this silly issue and am leaving. It means a lot. But I want A why give B and tell me I should be happy with A? Also if you love someone, it really shouldnt' be even an issue to become bf/gf so why keep fighting? That's jus absurd.

Edited January 31, 2023 by disisdisaster

[disisdisaster]

OK. I really don't need anymore people who can't even read the entire post correctly to just start posting their replies here focusing on one fact - when really the issues are others. 

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, disisdisaster said:

You didn't even read the post correctly....... He said that after 6 weeks when I told him I'm really done with fighting over this silly issue and am leaving. It means a lot. But I want A why give B and tell me I should be happy with A? Also if you love someone, it really shouldnt' be even an issue to become bf/gf so why keep fighting? That's jus absurd.

You sound very young and quite frankly have an aggressive attitude.

You don't seem to like it when others opinions differ from yours.

You are snappy when someone doesn't agree with you and you refuse to see that YOU are the issue in all this.

YOU are the one causing him to stall because you are being too pushy.