Z4nd3rz0ne Posted January 30, 2023 Share Posted January 30, 2023 I [33m] got dumped by my [33f] GF of 10 months last week. She listed problems as: 1. I was always lowering the mood with negativity. (I wasn't happy in my job, didn't always enjoy living with her and I've always struggled with negativity because of past trauma and low self esteem). 2. I would repeatedly ruin special occasions with a bad mood because I didn't want to do certain activities I felt pressured and obliged to do and participate in. 3. I was apparently self-centred and often put my needs before hers. (this is quite true to a certain extent, I'm an only child and never learned to care for others but I really tried and learned in this relat ionship). 4. I would shut down and leave the room during a fight instead of talking about it when it became too much. (I'm naturally quite avoidant and don't tolerate stress well) 5. I "couldn't see 'what she needed" and she carried the mental load. Although most of the time she took full control because of her OCD but I tried to help out in my own little way, plus I'm bad at organising. As soon as I moved into her house, we made each other more miserable, although I did learn to adapt and it improved. She has hygiene-based OCD and has strict house rules and I often resented them and felt constricted by the need to constantly wash my hands, be mindful of everything and put clothes that don't need washing in the laundry. I tried my best to adhere to her mental condition but it was hard to live with and I often made repeated mistakes, one time she caught me not following them and blew up. Throughout the relationship, I felt like she constantly criticised me for something she perceived me having done wrong, demanded favours and attention. I would describe her as highly strung, impatient, self-righteous and needy. I felt afraid of being fully open out of fear of her reaction. We argued at least once a week, if not more, every week. I never felt I could do anything right, I felt belittled and would often shut down and leave the room until she would approach me to resolve things. Sometimes arguments spread out across a couple of days. I had to ration my alone time and often found myself craving it and enjoying going to work so I could get away because I'm a big introvert and felt drained by the regular arguments and interactions. I went to therapy a few times out of desperation to fix what she thought my issues are and change myself. She would often say I don't take accountability, but I often felt it was her that didn't and she gaslight me into thinking I gaslit her. I tried to fit myself into her life and what she wants, living next door to her family and visiting multiple times a week, which I resented. When I stated I only wanted to go once a week because I found it too much she stormed out. The final straw was when I didn't plan anything for her birthday as we planned a trip away for the day after, even though she previously said she'd be happy with a walk on the beach and not to spend money needlessly. I did however, buy her a small customised gift and tried to book a restaurant that day, which she threw back in my face because she didn't like the place and it was too last minute. It turned into an argument, and I felt rejected and got defensive, which ruined her birthday and sparked the breakup. I have since been kicked out and have moved in with my mother for the time being. We love each other very much but often both felt misunderstood. We're both still angry about this but remain in contact. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 Ok, so she's got a lot of issues with you and you have a lot of issues with her....too many issues to make it work. Focus on removing her from your life. Go no contact 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 You were a really bad match. You both have severe issues and clashed. It's unfair of her to put the blame solely on you but she was right to end it. You need to seek therapy for your unhappiness and your demons before you can think of entertaining a relationship. You need to help yourself first. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 12 hours ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said: I have since been kicked out and have moved in with my mother for the time being. Sorry this happened. How long were you living in her house? Were did you live before you moved in? Unfortunately it seems like you're incompatible and living together was too much too soon for 40 weeks dating. All you can do is leave it in the past and move forward with your life. Just chalk it up to incompatibilities and too much too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Z4nd3rz0ne Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 29 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Sorry this happened. How long were you living in her house? Were did you live before you moved in? Unfortunately it seems like you're incompatible and living together was too much too soon for 40 weeks dating. All you can do is leave it in the past and move forward with your life. Just chalk it up to incompatibilities and too much too soon. About 3 months. I was living in a rented house when we first started dating. We definitely rushed it and she constantly brought up marriage and babies. Thought we were each other's forever person but a part of me had major doubts considering the amount of friction we had throughout. I suspected I might be in for a hellish life full of stress and conflict. Even she had doubts from time to time. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 2 minutes ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said: . We definitely rushed it and she constantly brought up marriage and babies. part of me had major doubts considering the amount of friction we had throughout. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Be glad it's finally over so you can be free to date more compatible women. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 3, 2023 Share Posted February 3, 2023 Why did you stick around until she dumped you, if she had all this toxic and volatile behavior that you're describing? You should have been the one ending this relationship earlier. This sounds like a very bad, volatile and unhealthy relationship. It's good that it's over. You were not compatible and you both have issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 4, 2023 Share Posted February 4, 2023 You're asking the wrong questions. I mean, you can take the feedback from your partner and learn from it. Sounds to me like you agree with a lot of it. So there are two issues here. One, there is the behavior she describes: you withdrawing, being seemingly depressed, withdrawn, negative and so on. That's one strand. The other issue is the relationship between her and you. Another partner might not be as bothered by your moods as this one. And you might be less defensive with another partner and thus more willing to change your habits. The mood stuff sounds serious: why aren't you in therapy and/or seeing a psychiatrist for your mood issues? I'd say take on those issues not to please her or anyone else, but to enjoy life yourself. And yes, a result of enjoying life more you would have more energy to be social. There seems to be some issue of getting easily worn out (emotionally) with intimate social contact. That's worth looking at. Are you in a job that wears you down? Your behavior reminds me of the way some people describe the effects of ADHD, which runs in my family. Someone with ADHD in the wrong job just gets worn down by all the tedium and details and demands, and so at the end of the day, they return home wanting to withdraw, NEEDING they feel to withdraw. Does your job wear you out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Z4nd3rz0ne Posted February 4, 2023 Author Share Posted February 4, 2023 12 hours ago, ShyViolet said: Why did you stick around until she dumped you, if she had all this toxic and volatile behavior that you're describing? You should have been the one ending this relationship earlier. This sounds like a very bad, volatile and unhealthy relationship. It's good that it's over. You were not compatible and you both have issues. I think I'm codependent and my fear of being alone and have to start all over again made me just put up with all the difficulties. I loved her and didn't want to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Z4nd3rz0ne Posted February 4, 2023 Author Share Posted February 4, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: You're asking the wrong questions. I mean, you can take the feedback from your partner and learn from it. Sounds to me like you agree with a lot of it. So there are two issues here. One, there is the behavior she describes: you withdrawing, being seemingly depressed, withdrawn, negative and so on. That's one strand. The other issue is the relationship between her and you. Another partner might not be as bothered by your moods as this one. And you might be less defensive with another partner and thus more willing to change your habits. The mood stuff sounds serious: why aren't you in therapy and/or seeing a psychiatrist for your mood issues? I'd say take on those issues not to please her or anyone else, but to enjoy life yourself. And yes, a result of enjoying life more you would have more energy to be social. There seems to be some issue of getting easily worn out (emotionally) with intimate social contact. That's worth looking at. Are you in a job that wears you down? Your behavior reminds me of the way some people describe the effects of ADHD, which runs in my family. Someone with ADHD in the wrong job just gets worn down by all the tedium and details and demands, and so at the end of the day, they return home wanting to withdraw, NEEDING they feel to withdraw. Does your job wear you out? I don't want to blame her but now we've moved on from each other I think I'm starting to recognise that my behaviour (although it's still my issue) was probably caused by a subconscious feeling of entrapment and resentment. I tried therapy during the relationship, which I didn't have much success with finding someone right, but now that I'm single and have the time and money, I'm going to invest in it again. I've been searching online for answers and it seems alot of these problems came down to incompatible needs, expectations, values, and living preferences. I've realised chemistry and a couple of likes in common are simply not enough to sustain it longterm. You have to be on the same wavelength and 'get' each other, it should feel relaxed and easy, with very little conflict arising in the first place and not worry about doing something wrong all the time and walking on eggshells. As much as I'm sad that it ended so badly and there was so much animosity. It's strange that I feel quite relieved that it's over, no more conflict and feeling restricted. I think we were both idolising the fantasy and ignoring the reality. Edited February 4, 2023 by Z4nd3rz0ne Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 4, 2023 Share Posted February 4, 2023 (edited) Yes, let this one go. You were both very incompatible. It’s wonderful that you’re starting to feel relieved that you’re no longer living under the shadow of someone else’s house rules or ones you didn’t agree with. In future you’ll know to take your time getting to know someone and not rush living together. Work on that fear of being alone. Reconnect with things/people/hobbies that bring you joy. Don’t stay in contact with her as it’ll prolong the healing period. People are often unrealistic about this. Just a word of caution. Edited February 4, 2023 by glows Link to post Share on other sites
Kassieee Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 (edited) Maybe you are better suited for someone else. In my view, since you asked, I do consider those traits horrible to be in a relationship with. Edited February 15, 2023 by justaskingok Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 On 1/31/2023 at 9:15 AM, Z4nd3rz0ne said: Throughout the relationship, I felt like she constantly criticised me for something she perceived me having done wrong, demanded favours and attention. I would describe her as highly strung, impatient, self-righteous and needy. I felt afraid of being fully open out of fear of her reaction. I'm exhausted just reading about her OCD, and I'm not surprised you were negative. Have you considered telling her to shove her list of your faults up her controlling azz? Or that some of your behaviour is probably a fairly normal response to living with a nitpicking control freak? Or that the reason you walk away during arguments is that you know you can't win when your opponent is arrogant and unreasonable? The carry-on about her birthday speaks volumes about her, none of it good. You say you went to therapy to try to fix your issues......a high number of people who present in therapy aren't mentally ill, they're just the victim of someone who is. Please run for your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Z4nd3rz0ne Posted February 15, 2023 Author Share Posted February 15, 2023 Update : she kept sending me abusive texts and emails even though she was the one to end it. I ended up having to block her on every possible platform. No contact ever since. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 22 minutes ago, Z4nd3rz0ne said: Update : she kept sending me abusive texts and emails even though she was the one to end it. I ended up having to block her on every possible platform. No contact ever since. Good for you. She is such a nasty piece of work. Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 (edited) When I hear you describe how rigid, demanding, and critical she was.... now at least you know what behaviors not to accept.. A happy, fulfilled relationship is the diametrical opposite. Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing –– the Five A's of mindful loving by David Richo. You should buy this book and adjust your picker accordingly. Edited February 15, 2023 by salparadise Link to post Share on other sites
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