DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 (edited) Hey everyone, I am new to the forum, just registered today. I'm a 35 y.o male, have two children from my first marriage, now we're separated, but that's another story. After being in a marriage for almost 12 years I decided I'd take a break and not remarry for a while, so I went on a dating streak. Nothing too wild, I was still dedicating the majority of my free time to my kids, but was dating a woman every now and than. I guess the experience of being a father and a husband for a fairly long time has given me a certain comforting skill and all the women I've dated would fall pretty easy for me. However I'd move on, as again, I'd never plan anything serious and I would let my partners know about that right from start, so that nobody gets disappointed. Last August I met a woman, my age, separated from her husband but not divorced, he lives abroad and has a new family now (it never bothered me anyways, I never questioned anything either). So you know it all started as usually, I do have to say that she is extremely good looking and I just couldn't get enough of our dates. Before I knew we were 4 months in this relationship and I was starting to feel a stronger bond. She also had strong feelings for me and at some point we went down the forbidden path of past sexual experiences - and I am not going to share any details but I've just decided that there's no way we could be together and I could carry on knowing the details I've already learned. And it's OK, I believe that I had to come out of that dreamland at some point. The thing is, that I have always had high libido and very strong drive, regardless of my state of mind. It's been 2 weeks and I still feel dead inside, my libido is down to zero, I can't even force myself to see someone else, I genuinely don't want that. But I don't want that woman back in my life either. Very depressed, can hardly cope with doing my job and push through the day. Every time my children or ex see me, they keep asking what's going on, as I was always the positiv guy, there was literally never anything strong enough to break my spirit. Super confident, never insecure about anything. No disrespect to the ladies here, but I do believe men and women are different in this regard, so I'd really want to hear some fellow men opinions. I want my life and my mood back. Any idea how long this could go on for? I can't afford to stay depressed like this for too long and I will never consider taking any antidepressants for this nonsense. Thanks for the long read. Edited January 31, 2023 by DirtyHarold misspell Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 1 hour ago, DirtyHarold said: we went down the forbidden path of past sexual experiences - and I am not going to share any details but I've just decided that there's no way we could be together and I could carry on knowing the details I've already learned. This is obviously where everything changed. Something she told you sent you on a downwards spiral. Was it the number of her sexual partners that freaked you out? Did it make you feel inadequate? You portray yourself as super strong and confident but something she said gave your ego a big hit. My suggestion for you is consult a therapist and unpack your recent emotions in order to understand what got you like this. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 18 minutes ago, JTSW said: This is obviously where everything changed. Something she told you sent you on a downwards spiral. Was it the number of her sexual partners that freaked you out? Did it make you feel inadequate? You portray yourself as super strong and confident but something she said gave your ego a big hit. My suggestion for you is consult a therapist and unpack your recent emotions in order to understand what got you like this. A huge hit. I hate admitting but I do have a big ego, although I try to keep it on the background and always be very nice to people. Big ego - yes. Am I selfish - not at all. Not the number no, I knew the number from the beginning and it was acceptable, even low I'd say. No one night stands. Let's just say the last guy was abusive about her and she let that happen. Beyond me, I don't even want to deal with that. My main concern is how long would I feel so miserable, I really miss her, yet there's no way back to the previous puppy love state. I don't want it any other way. I realize my story and problem might sound stupid, but I just thought I'd be able to get an advice about getting over it. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 7 minutes ago, DirtyHarold said: Let's just say the last guy was abusive about her and she let that happen. Beyond me, I don't even want to deal with that. So she disclosed that she has a little past trauma with an abusive ex and you end it. I think what your feeling is guilt for walking away when she opened up to you about that, because you actually had genuine feelings for her. I don't think you realised the extent of how strongly you felt for her. Like I said, speak with a therapist Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 2 hours ago, DirtyHarold said: I can't afford to stay depressed like this for too long Sorry this is happening. Do you have medical insurance? See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. You don't necessarily have to take pills, but you do need to get your health in order so you can function. You've got a lot to contend with trying to be a single dad and a divorce still ahead of you. You'll need good health and support to get through it and adjust. While dating may take your mind off things temporary, you'll have to address the underlying issue of divorce and adjustment to being single again. Link to post Share on other sites
IrinaM Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 40 minutes ago, DirtyHarold said: Let's just say the last guy was abusive about her and she let that happen. Beyond me, I don't even want to deal with that. how would this hurt your ego? I'm confused about what this even means- was she was abused in the past so now you don't want her? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 I don’t know why you’d break up over something like that but it must have raised some red flags for you so trust in your intuition and be a little more neutral and pull together when you meet your family (daughter and ex). You don’t have to be chipper all the time but at least be present and in tune with others. You’re not divorced yet so finalize the divorce before worrying too much about dating. It’s okay to feel sad and bummed out. Be a little more realistic here and less harsh with yourself. Your masculinity is also not dependent on your sex drive. I think you’re overanalyzing this and feeling insecure. It is perfectly ok to just heal and put this behind you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 (edited) 14 minutes ago, glows said: I don’t know why you’d break up over something like that but it must have raised some red flags for you so trust in your intuition and be a little more neutral and pull together when you meet your family (daughter and ex). You don’t have to be chipper all the time but at least be present and in tune with others. You’re not divorced yet so finalize the divorce before worrying too much about dating. It’s okay to feel sad and bummed out. Be a little more realistic here and less harsh with yourself. Your masculinity is also not dependent on your sex drive. I think you’re overanalyzing this and feeling insecure. It is perfectly ok to just heal and put this behind you. You are absolutely right about that red flag. As if my "soul" encouraged me to go back to her but my mind has totally blocked that. I thank everyone for sharing your opinions and yes I know, I should have (maybe) rather stick around and be the supportive person, who would protect her from ever getting hurt again. But I just can't. And this makes me feel extremely week. I feel like a coward. Oh boy. This whole thing hit me like freight train. To be honest, going to a therapist or counseling does nothing to me. I've been there on numerous occasions with my ex wife. It worked on her, never worked on me. I've been a sales person for years and just know this science of perfectly wording a statement in order to convince someone about something that's just not real or existent (that's what therapists do a lot). And I physically can't accept the information they share with me. Like if I already know that there is no cure and all they do is trying to help me trick my mind. Which I'd rather listen to. I just hope it all fades with time. Thanks again folks. Edited January 31, 2023 by DirtyHarold misspell Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 That was couples counselling. That's totally different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 Just now, JTSW said: That was couples counselling. That's totally different. You could be right. I guess I will just give it a week or two. If I keep going downhill I will look into it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 And another thing is, if she'd just tell me to p*ss off, for being a whimp - I'd just do it. But no, she keeps telling me how much she misses spending time together and that if I don't want or am not ready to commit to anything serious, she's ok with anything as long as she just keeps seeing me. Which is both, appealing and not really, as I think I or anyone else in my shoes would deserve to get dumped. This mix of kindness and weakness just kills me! Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 (edited) 12 minutes ago, DirtyHarold said: and yes I know, I should have (maybe) rather stick around and be the supportive person, who would protect her from ever getting hurt again. But I just can't. And this makes me feel extremely week. I’d pause on this: the idea of protecting anyone. Choose partners who are self-sufficient and emotionally healthy. There will be less of this conflict and more genuine respect for one another. In regards to feeling extremely weak, read up on toxic masculinity and the need to always be strong as a reflection of that. These are all ideologies adopted at some point and you’re experiencing a lot of conflict because of it. Edited January 31, 2023 by glows 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 4 minutes ago, glows said: I’d pause on this: the idea of protecting anyone. Choose partners who are self-sufficient and emotionally healthy. There will be less of this conflict and more genuine respect for one another. In regards to feeling extremely weak, read up on toxic masculinity and the need to always be strong as a reflection of that. These are all ideologies adopted at some point and you’re experiencing a lot of conflict because of it. Spot on. Conflict is the correct word to describe how I'm feeling right now. And yes I do for some reason feel this urge to babysit people. I could say I like it. Maybe it's a bad habit. About finding another partner, definitely will opt for that. It's just that she was so perfect in every other way, I don't remember meeting anyone so close to my image of perfection. And I wish I was les of a perfectionist and cared less about details, but can't. Thanks everyone for taking the time, these messages help me understand what's going on in my mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 You’re just starting to date but keep in mind you’re not divorced. Big picture check here: the individuals you meet may be like you in a transition period, equally separated and not yet divorced, wading through issues and slowly sloughing off all the old skins of the past. Yes, let go of the need to babysit or protect or save anyone. Now is the time to work on yourself, meet new people, process your divorce. Therapy is an excellent option but if you’re not into it, then keep asking yourself these difficult questions. You do NOT have to be strong all the time. It is fine to feel sad and it’s also fine to walk away from someone you’re not compatible with. Time might also help you see more incompatibilities with this woman where you may have her on a pedestal right now. Do you have hobbies and interests? It’s better to be all-rounded and gain confidence through your personal interests. Start rebuilding your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 3 hours ago, DirtyHarold said: Let's just say the last guy was abusive about her and she let that happen. Beyond me, I don't even want to deal with that. And that changed how you look at her. I don't think it's so much about you being a wimp, because you didn't even know her then. It's more about that she let it happen. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 12 minutes ago, BrinnM said: And that changed how you look at her. I don't think it's so much about you being a wimp, because you didn't even know her then. It's more about that she let it happen. Ture. And I set my expectations for her, way too high. Foolish mistake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BrinnM Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 So are you worried that she may have enjoyed it or are you more disappointed that she was too weak to put her foot down? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 6 minutes ago, BrinnM said: So are you worried that she may have enjoyed it or are you more disappointed that she was too weak to put her foot down? the second option 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 Are you saying she was weak for letting the abuse happen? That's what you're saying, right? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 Forgot to include in my post. It takes a tremendous amount of strength to survive an abusive relationship, and victims of abuse should never be judged or blamed for their experiences. There is no clear threat to your masculinity that I can see, and I believe that the decision you made to end your relationship with her was a wise one. Clearly, you didn't respect her, so you made the right decision by separating. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 1 hour ago, DirtyHarold said: Ture. And I set my expectations for her, way too high. Foolish mistake. Why do your expectations of another person influence your own self esteem so much? I can't understand why this woman's past would affect the way you feel about yourself - except in this way: Is it happening because you "should" feel compassionate towards her after what she shared with you, but instead you just got turned off and "done" with her? So now you feel guilty and perhaps like a bad guy because of how you've reacted to whatever you heard? Link to post Share on other sites
Author DirtyHarold Posted January 31, 2023 Author Share Posted January 31, 2023 I never judged her, nor blamed. It was her choice, she's a big girl. I have the problem with the past, not her. The only problem she has right now is that I left. It gives me mixed feelings, and guilt is definitely one of them. Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 What do you mean when you say she "let it happen"? Women don't usually volunteer for abuse from a partner, mostly it's the abuser using emotional and psychological manipulation, terrifying the woman and using coercion to keep her in the relationship. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 (edited) 43 minutes ago, DirtyHarold said: I never judged her, nor blamed. It was her choice, she's a big girl. Kindly, I think you don't understand abuse. Here's a link detailing all the complexities of leaving an abusive relationship and why people don't just up and go. Why it's not a "choice" to stay. Have a look at number 10 in the list - it's exactly your response: 10. Fear of how others will react. People in abusive relationships often feel embarrassed to admit that their partner is abusive for fear of being judged, blamed, marginalized, pitied or looked down on. By dumping her because you stayed, you've just judged, blamed and looked down on her and so demonstrated that this is a justifiable fear. And to show how fragile she still is, instead of flipping the bird at you for judging her, she actually wants you back. And she probably really regretting being honest and vulnerable with you. I'm not saying that you should return to her, but where's your compassion and understanding? I would also agree with a previous poster who said that it's not your role to protect. Rather, it's your role to give a partner an environment where they are loved. Edited January 31, 2023 by basil67 3 Link to post Share on other sites
birdie_b Posted January 31, 2023 Share Posted January 31, 2023 Gosh, this really makes me sad. Did you actually tell her that you don’t want to be involved with her because she handled her abuse in a way you can’t respect. I’m just heartbroken for her. 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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