this break-up is killing me, I am unable to do anything

[NuevoYorko]

One thing for certain:  This woman does not need to be interacting with any men who are going to judge her harshly and dump her because she was abused in the past.   Such a relationship would definitely be harmful for her.  She'll get over it and never know what a bullet she dodged. 

[Lotsgoingon]

 

I can’t help wondering if you're suffering a version of what they call "secondary trauma." Secondary trauma is the pain and emotional disturbance we can experience when we HEAR the stories of suffering and trauma of another person. Therapists can easily suffer from secondary trauma. So can emergency workers, police officers, social workers. I don't mean to be literally clinical, but that framework might be helpful to describe what's going on with you. 

Also at risk of secondary trauma? Spouses and  partners of  people who have suffered trauma! One of my exes had cancer, caught early. Totally in remission now. Traumatic for her, but also for me going to all her doctor's appointments and dealing with all her pain and anguish and depression and lashing out!

Under this scenario you’re right now feeling pain and emotional disturbance from hearing about (and not being able to block out) the horrible abuse she suffered, which you can no doubt now visualize. You had a powerful and frightening recoil to what you heard and no doubt visualized as you heard it. And your pain is now multiple. One, the pain of hearing these stories from someone you were feeling quite close to. Two, the pain of your reaction--you got freaked out in ways that probably didn't feel voluntary. And then you're left with the pain of missing her, of losing her. No wonder people are asking about your mood. 

It's up to you what you do. But if you really like her and you continue to suffer the multiple losses of not being with her, you could get help for this if you want.  

 

 

 

 

Edited February 1, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

10 hours ago, DirtyHarold said:

I never judged her, nor blamed. It was her choice, she's a big girl.

I have the problem with the past, not her. The only problem she has right now is that I left.

 

It gives me mixed feelings, and guilt is definitely one of them. 

Yes, you did.

Your post in response to another member asserted that you are disappointed that she was too weak to put her foot down. 

That is holding someone responsible for their reaction to abuse or trauma.

What may seem like a lack of assertiveness to you for "not putting her foot down" may have actually been a survival mechanism for her. Instead of judging or blaming her for her past experiences, the alternative would have been to offer support, understanding, and compassion. 

It's okay to prioritize your own well-being and emotional needs. If you believe that the breakup was the best decision for both.

Having negative thoughts or feelings towards someone who has experienced abuse is actually not uncommon, but it is harmful to the survivor and to your relationship. 

It's common for people to hold traditional and societal views about masculinity, which can lead to feelings of shame or inadequacy when those expectations are not met. The belief that men should be strong and protect their partners from harm. Though, those views are narrow and limiting, and do not reflect the complex and nuanced experiences of survivors of abuse and their partners. 

Feeling like less of a man because you look down on her for having been abused in the past is most likely a reflection of harmful societal beliefs and expectations, so you're going to have to challenge and shift those perspectives. The feelings of sadness, anxiety, and depression? All normal responses after the end of a relationship and can certainly impact sexual desire.

As suggested, speaking with a healthcare provider or mental health professional can help you understand the root cause and provide recommendations.

Good luck to you.

Edited February 1, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, DirtyHarold said:

I have the problem with the past, not her.

You clearly do have a problem with her. 

Because of what she said, you saw her as weak, but you don't really know what went on.

It's possible she had no choice but to take the abuse to keep anyone from getting hurt. 

You say you're not judging her but you are, and you you ended the relationship because of it.

Research abuse. It's not all black and white.

[DirtyHarold]

I know that I'm not doing the right thing, yet it's hard for me to force myself in this kind of a situation. I'd hate to go back and just sit around being sad all the time. 

As I previously said - I will give it a little more time. Hopefully I can sleep it off. I do miss her a lot too.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, DirtyHarold said:

it's hard for me to force myself in this kind of a situation.

What situation exactly?

Being with a woman who was once in an abusive relationship and survived?

She clearly thinks the world of you and doesn't want to lose you.

The reason you are feeling the way you do is because you really do care for her and miss her.

You also feel guilt for just kicking her to the curb because you made assumptions about her.

What's stopping you from taking a chance on something good? 

[basil67]

17 hours ago, DirtyHarold said:

I know that I'm not doing the right thing, yet it's hard for me to force myself in this kind of a situation. I'd hate to go back and just sit around being sad all the time. 

Sad about what? 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/31/2023 at 5:22 AM, DirtyHarold said:

I'm a 35 y.o male, have two children from my first marriage, now we're separated, but that's another story. 

Unfortunately this is the story. You're in the throes of divorce and adjustment to single parenthood.  You're not looking for anything serious, just distractions from your pending divorce. Therefore you're not ready to invest in a relationship or any complications. Your distress is that the lastest distraction isn't working out. But underlying that is the unaddressed issues ahead.

[glows]

On 1/31/2023 at 12:44 PM, DirtyHarold said:

I never judged her, nor blamed. It was her choice, she's a big girl.

I have the problem with the past, not her. The only problem she has right now is that I left.

 

It gives me mixed feelings, and guilt is definitely one of them. 

This reads like any other break up or incompatibility. You’re not interested. Feeling bad about breaking up with someone or causing anyone else pain comes with the territory. She’s not the one for you. You aren’t divorced yet and neither is she apparently. Red flags on both sides. 

Time out and get through the divorce. Try not to tell lies to yourself that you’re ready for anything more than brief encounters as it’s a set up for disaster. You’re going to keep attracting unavailable or just separated(not divorced) partners similar to you or similar to your situation because single fully divorced women don’t want your baggage. I’m being blunt but hopefully you see you’re not much of a catch either. Be with your daughter and work on rebuilding relationships with friends, connect with your interests and hobbies. 

Speedy healing and hope things clear up soon. There is an end eventually. The goal is putting your marriage behind you and tying up all those loose ends first.

 

Edited February 2, 2023 by glows

[Alpacalia]

Getting into a relationship with someone with past experiences that don't align with your goals is not inherently wrong. The unexpected accusation of snogging men as I recovered from being sick led me to drop the relationship like a hot potato and run in the opposite direction. Not going down that rabbit hole.

Feeling conflicted and finding it difficult to make a change makes sense. It can be hard to break away from a situation that brings us comfort, even if it's not the healthiest for us.