Disagreement on future planning. moving in together with kids

[PotatoHead]

GF and I have been together going on 3 years.  We are early/mid 30's, and both have young kids from previous marriages.  Things overall are going great, although we are recently getting back off the ground after working through some issues that happened about a year into our relationship that involved a breach in trust.  Things have been forgiven and we are moving on now, though I am in therapy to work on healing my deeper issues that have made it hard for me to trust again.

The subject has come up a few times about taking the next steps in our relationship and planning for the future.  We currently live separately, each having a place with our own kids though we spend almost every night together as each of us has time off from our kids while they are with their other parents.  Our plan is to eventually buy a house together when we do decide to move in, that way it will be neutral ground for all of the kids and we can have plenty of space for them.

The issue in discussion is the time frame when this will happen.  I brought up recently that I think it will be another 3-5 years before we are able to take this step.  The main reasons being the housing market, our financial stability, but more than anything giving the kids time to adjust and be comfortable with it.  I know my older kids won't be happy about the change as currently they don't even like her being around.  

GF got very upset when I told her this, saying she doesn't want to wait that long.  She was hoping we could be living together in a couple years, which I think is too soon.  Her perspective is slightly different as her kids are a bit younger and aren't as averse to the situation as mine are.

Am I wrong to expect a woman to be willing to wait this long to take these steps?  Otherwise she is happy with where we are at right now and I wonder if it isn't that she feels insecure if we aren't moving forward or making more commitments.  But honestly I still have a long way to go in my own self-work before I think I will be ready to commit to more.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, PotatoHead said:

Am I wrong to expect a woman to be willing to wait this long to take these steps? 

Yes.  That's  not reasonable.   You are asking for 6-7 years before making a solid commitment.   If you aren't financially ready to buy a house, that's one thing.  Not sharing more of your lives is another.  

You've been together already for 3 years.  If you don't know yet, you're not likely to change in a lot more years.   Being unwilling to move forward clearly signals that you don't know.  If she DOES know that she wants to share the rest of her life with you and you need more years to be sure about that - she would be very wrong to wait around.   What happens after 3-4 more years and you still are not ready?  She's been on hold.  Not right.   She probably needs to be free to look for someone who is more in the same place as she is. 

It would be fine if you both felt the same way, but you don't.

 

[PotatoHead]

I can see that point of view.  Yes that is a long time, but it isn't as if we aren't already committed to one another despite our living situation.  I was thinking that needing the extra time could be understandable given that there will be the mixing of children involved, plus still coming fresh out of a sort of break and reset in our relationship last year.

If it weren't for the kids being involved I would be happy to live together with her right now, and I've told her that.  I don't want to make them uncomfortable where it will affect my relationship with them or cause them to want to live full time with their mother.

Edited February 2, 2023 by PotatoHead

[BrinnM]

I think you’re perfectly justified in waiting 3 to 5 years to move in together. Your kids are probably still processing the move and the divorce, and you should give them priority. There is a reason why they don’t want to be around her. They may have sensed your sadness around the betrayal, and therefore are reluctant to open up to her. 

I don’t think she has any business in pressuring you into moving in together sooner than that. She has already caused a lot of mayhem, and you need to put your kids first! There is no reason for her to push for more. And yes - the housing market, another good argument. 

[PotatoHead]

Thanks @BrinnM and I can see both sides of the argument.  You obviously have paid a lot of attention to our back story to know everything going on.

I've already apologized to her for how we left things after this argument, we haven't had any disagreement like this happen in a very long time.  I still feel that it is a decent time frame, the years go by pretty quickly.  I just hope she isn't so eager to settle down that this causes her to withdraw from the relationship.

[Calmandfocused]

Agree with BrinnM. 
 

Unfortunately when there are kids involved their needs must be considered above all else.  
 

Im interested to know why your kids don’t like your girlfriend? Or is the case that they don’t like her simply because she is your girlfriend and you are not with their mother? 
 

Either way it’s clear that your children are not ready for this and neither are you it seems. That’s ok. 

From your perspective you have a relationship that you enjoy and fits in with the level of commitment that you can offer right now. 

Granted it’s not what your girlfriend wants. Do you know why she wants you to live together? What’s her reasons? 
 

Unfortunately there is no compromise here. It’s a case of either you do what you want or you do what she wants. 
 

Or you go your separate ways. 
 

 

 

[PotatoHead]

53 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Im interested to know why your kids don’t like your girlfriend? Or is the case that they don’t like her simply because she is your girlfriend and you are not with their mother?

 I wish I understood it more, too.  When they first met her about a year and a half ago, they got along great.  Had no problem with her being around and we all would do activities together, the kids had fun.  Then something changed almost overnight.  I believe it was because their mom - my ex - didn't like that they were spending time with a new woman around.  I believe their mom got emotional and manipulated them into not wanting to be around my GF.  I am only speculating though since the kids now can't articulate what their problem is with her, as it's not with her personally but they just say they don't want us having new partners.

 

53 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Granted it’s not what your girlfriend wants. Do you know why she wants you to live together? What’s her reasons?

This is something I am hoping to dig into a bit further soon, when she is ready to talk about it more.  I honestly can't say for sure, other than she has always wanted to move things quickly with me.  Before our break last year she had pushed for us to move in together only one year into the relationship, wanted to get the kids together more, get married, etc.  The only real benefits to living together would be sharing finances and getting just slightly more time together.  If I had to guess I would say she is still somewhat insecure and worries that if we aren't fully committed, there is a chance that I will someday leave her.

Edited February 2, 2023 by PotatoHead

[ShyViolet]

I think she's completely justified in having a problem with this.  You've already been together 3 years, and you're saying you need another 3-5 years before you are ready to move in together?  That is unreasonable.  I can understand if you can't afford to buy a house and finances prevent you from being ready... that would be no one's fault.  But if your reason is that your kids won't be ready... I don't understand how you calculated the timeframe on that?  How do you know that your kids won't be ready to accept your gf in 2 years, but they will be ready in 3-5 years?  Where are those arbitrary numbers coming from?

At the end of the day you have to live your life and you have a right to have a new relationship, whether your kids dislike your gf or not.  

With all this being said, if you simply do not feel ready to take the step and move in with her, then be honest with her and tell her that.  You shouldn't take that big step unless you truly want to and have no reservations about it.

Edited February 2, 2023 by ShyViolet

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

 Before our break last year she had pushed for us to move in together only one year into the relationship, wanted to get the kids together more, get married, etc.

While the timeframe is a bit long, if you were having "breaks" as recently as last year, perhaps there's more to sort out before you buy a place together.

[PotatoHead]

38 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

While the timeframe is a bit long, if you were having "breaks" as recently as last year, perhaps there's more to sort out before you buy a place together.

The problems between us are sorted, it was relatively minor however it brought to light several issues from my past including ptsd from my marriage that I am working through.  What caused us to need the break was time for me to figure all of that out,  but yes I agree there's more work I need to do before I can be 100% healthy in a relationship which is another reason I want to wait.

[PotatoHead]

52 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I don't understand how you calculated the timeframe on that?  How do you know that your kids won't be ready to accept your gf in 2 years, but they will be ready in 3-5 years?  Where are those arbitrary numbers coming from?

 

The 3-5 years was more based on affordability and financial security as well as the housing market.  But also from what I've observed in my kids healing process since the divorce, and since meeting the new GF as well as their ages.  In 3-5 years my older daughters who are the ones pushing against it will be teenagers running their own lives for the most part.  Most of my bonding time with them as parent and child will already be past.  The living arrangement won't matter to them as much as they will be spending less time around the house, have the freedom to come and go as they please.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, PotatoHead said:

I believe it was because their mom - my ex - didn't like that they were spending time with a new woman around

But wasn't this new woman the same one you left your wife for?  The same woman you later discovered was being inappropriate with her coworker? 

If so, the longer timeline you're looking at makes more sense. There has been a lot of chaos in your relationship and your kids are no doubt wary of the entire thing, even if they don't know that your relationship is essentially the product of an affair. Her affair with her coworker might never have lifted off the ground but I think you would be wise to wait and see how the next couple of years go for you two before even thinking about co-mingling your lives to this extent. The foundation is not solid enough at this point to build concrete plans on. 

[FMW]

It's understandable your girlfriend isn't happy with your preferred time frame for moving in together.  But even if neither of you had children you shouldn't feel pressured to do something you have doubts about, for any reason.  It sounds like your children aren't the only reason you aren't ready to take this step.  

Your children are your first priority.  Their home life is a huge influence on how they grow and develop into emotionally secure and healthy people.  Adding your girlfriend and her children to your home situation is not something to be done just to move your relationship with her forward.  

[Lauriebell82]

Its understandable your girlfriend isn't happy about this but children are first priority! When you have children from a previous relationship not everyone sees it this way and often they will prioritize the relationship ahead of their kids...however these are the relationships that often fail due to issues being presented when you try to blend the families together. 

Your children's health and happiness comes first and I think that you guys will wait the required amount of time that takes. I stand by what FMW said..but if your kids don't like your girlfriend, then I don't think buying a home together is going to change that! Kids are rather intuitive and know if they don't want her around there has to be a reason for that. Please don't be fooled, even younger kids have trouble with this transition too! My ex husband moved in with his ex girlfriend (who had 2 small kids of her own around my sons ages) after a year and then the following year they broke up. My younger son had a lot of issues after that breakup (anxiety, trouble in school, ect). So IMO I think your girlfriend is being rather naive if she thinks that these types of transitions don't have serious impacts on children-older and younger. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Yes, she should not accept your point of view. For one, when I was young, I would give women timetables like this one and what I REALLY meant was that I didn't want the change to happen. 

She should in no way trust someone saying 3 TO 5 years, they will do X. No way should she trust that.

On the other hand, I"m not saying you are wrong to be thinking of your kids--how could that be wrong. Well, for one, why doesn't your kid like this woman? That seems to be the issue to address, not to punt the issue half a decade into future and dream and imagine that something will change. That's thinking like a kid.

Address the issue of your kids not liking her apparently. Do you understand how your kids feel? There are a lot of jerk step-moms and would-be step-moms out there. 

I think you need to solve the issue with the kids not liking her--and solve that one NOW! Maybe it begins with some frank conversations and listening to your kids and their thinking. Putting it off does no good at all. 

Thinking of myself, unless I thought my kids were jerks, I wouldn't want to date a woman they didn't like. 

[BaileyB]

I have a friend in similar situation, his kids were in high school and hers were in jr high when they met. They get along well enough, they travel alone, sometimes with all the kids or with their own kids. That said, they maintain separate homes. I would not be surprised if they move in together once the children are out of the house. Or, maybe they won’t - who knows. It’s complicated to blend a family under the best of circumstances - add that your children are teens, you ex-wife is potentially influencing their opinions, and this is the woman that you left your wife for and I say… you are in it for the long haul. I don’t think that it’s unreasonable to want to hold off moving in together. 

Edited February 2, 2023 by BaileyB

[MsJayne]

If this is the woman you left your wife for it could be decades before your kids forgive that, if ever. My bestie broke up a family 40 years ago and her partner's kids, now middle-aged, still dislike her and still see her as the sole reason their parent's marriage broke down. That's not actually true, (he was sleazy player way before he started carrying on with my bestie), but once the rot sets in it can be there to stay, so waiting until the coast's clear of resentful kids is probably a good idea, but whether your GF is willing to wait that long is another matter. 

[NuevoYorko]

I've just never heard of an "engagement" or other long term relationship that lasted 7 + years, by design, before culminating in marriage or cohabitation.   I have known couples who decided to marry after being in a relationship for a long time, but in every case they'd lived together.

I also know dozens of people who had children and married other people with children who successfully navigated through the challenges a "blended family" involves.  For sure the children are always the priority - but it's not the case that what kids feel they want / would enjoy dictates the way their parents plan their personal lives.   

If you and your gf were both good with just enjoying your relationship on a "one day at a time" basis and nobody wanted anything different than what you have today,  it would all be great.  But, she'd be foolish to actually plan a more formally committed future with you that is supposed to start in 3-4 more years after you've already been together for 3.   The chances of that coming to fruition are minuscule.  

Edited:  

I just read some of your earlier posts.  Just 2 months ago you were concerned about "red flags" with your girlfriend.  That is not something that should be in play when people have a very solid committed relationship - you should have known her pretty well by December.  But you didn't.  I do hope things work out well for you and her but I have doubts.  

 

Edited February 3, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Ami1uwant]

9 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

I've just never heard of an "engagement" or other long term relationship that lasted 7 + years, by design, before culminating in marriage or cohabitation.   I have known couples who decided to marry after being in a relationship for a long time, but in every case they'd lived together.

I also know dozens of people who had children and married other people with children who successfully navigated through the challenges a "blended family" involves.  For sure the children are always the priority - but it's not the case that what kids feel they want / would enjoy dictates the way their parents plan their personal lives.   

If you and your gf were both good with just enjoying your relationship on a "one day at a time" basis and nobody wanted anything different than what you have today,  it would all be great.  But, she'd be foolish to actually plan a more formally committed future with you that is supposed to start in 3-4 more years after you've already been together for 3.   The chances of that coming to fruition are minuscule.  

Edited:  

I just read some of your earlier posts.  Just 2 months ago you were concerned about "red flags" with your girlfriend.  That is not something that should be in play when people have a very solid committed relationship - you should have known her pretty well by December.  But you didn't.  I do hope things work out well for you and her but I have doubts.  

 

 

i have….

 

situation with my ex gf.

 

i started dating her and her daughter was in high school. Kids father not in the country.  Under USA college financial aid rules it’s household income that determined financial aid. If I married her it would have priced her out of better student aid/ scholarship programs.

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

18 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

 

The 3-5 years was more based on affordability and financial security as well as the housing market.  But also from what I've observed in my kids healing process since the divorce, and since meeting the new GF as well as their ages.  In 3-5 years my older daughters who are the ones pushing against it will be teenagers running their own lives for the most part.  Most of my bonding time with them as parent and child will already be past.  The living arrangement won't matter to them as much as they will be spending less time around the house, have the freedom to come and go as they please.

My gut says you fear of what happened in your marriage will happen again.

 

If you both live in apartments you can find a larger one to live in.  If you are living together you can save fir the house.

 

the other thing with your child. You need to talk with thrm about that.

[glows]

18 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

The problems between us are sorted, it was relatively minor however it brought to light several issues from my past including ptsd from my marriage that I am working through.  What caused us to need the break was time for me to figure all of that out,  but yes I agree there's more work I need to do before I can be 100% healthy in a relationship which is another reason I want to wait.

Not sure about this in bold. Any further clarification? It doesn’t sound good - as if you want to have your cake and eat it too. If you’re not 100% ready or healthy to be in a relationship why call her your girlfriend or date her or drag this out? You’re entitled to live apart as long as it’s mutually agreeable to both of you. 

What are her reasons for wanting to move in together sooner? My view is it shouldn’t make such a huge deal if it’s something you request or need. Why so desperate to cohabitate on one hand. On the other hand if she’s sensed you on the fence or doesn’t feel you’re as committed or present in the relationship it’s obvious there’s a need to compensate for that. That’s where arguments develop due to feeling insecure.

[smackie9]

Sounds like you both are at an impasse. Maybe she needs to move on if she doesn't like what you are offering her. If it's that important she can find someone that is willing to go forward more with commitment. Making her wait another 4-5 years, and you using her daughters college aid as an excuse tells me you simply don't really want to change. 

[NuevoYorko]

Here's the bottom line, for me:

You are not ready.  She is ready.  You think you need 3-4 more years to get ready.  Nobody knows what will happen in that length of time but one thing is certain - you all, kids and exes included,  will be in much different places than you are today.  There is certainly no reason to assume that you and your gf will be "more ready" than you are today.  You think you have things to work on.  One of the realities of "working through" things is that you do not EVER know how they will turn out.   That's why it takes some courage to do it:  Because you will not know where the "work" will take you.

This is why I think it's unreasonable for you to ask your gf to wait for years for the *possibility* of moving the relationship forward.   

It's NOT wrong for you to be unready.  That is what it is.  You simply aren't ready.  You have as good a chance of being unready in 4 years as you have of being ready.   So you guys need to stop "future planning" and be realistic.  As of now, there is not a future.  If that's good for you both, then, good.  

[PotatoHead]

Thanks for all the responses.  A lot of good points here.  What I've realized is that I never should have brought up the timeline of 3-5 years to her.  We will know we're ready when that time comes, and until then we are both happy where we are and taking it one day at a time.  It probably won't be that long in reality, if things continue to go well.

[BaileyB]

42 minutes ago, PotatoHead said:

What I've realized is that I never should have brought up the timeline of 3-5 years to her.  We will know we're ready when that time comes, and until then we are both happy where we are and taking it one day at a time. 

But, are you both happy? It seems to be that you have a fundamental disagreement about the future of your relationship and some pretty significant family conflict (between your children and your girlfriend). 

How do you go from 3-5 years to - we are both happy to take it one day as it comes and see how this goes… 

I say be honest with her about your thoughts and your concerns - as you have done. You are not ready and you don’t know when you will be ready… You have valid concerns here - both with your partner and the well-being of your children.