Disagreement on future planning. moving in together with kids

[PotatoHead]

Yep we are both happy.  She has said she's happy with where we are at right now, she just wants to know that we have a future and are headed in the right direction which I think we are.  Her desire to move in in a couple years I think is driven by a need for security, and not wanting to wait indefinitely or find out that it's never going to happen.  I don't see that being a possibility though.

[Calmandfocused]

There is a thread on here somewhere from a regular poster called Dis, formerly “disillusionment”. I’ve never forgotten it, it played on my mind. 
 

Long story short; She moved in with the boyfriend who had a child. She didn’t like the child, the child didn’t like her. 
 

It ended in complete disaster for everyone. It was the child who was the main victim but Dis’s life was turned upside down. It took a long time for her to get on her feet again. 
 

Moral of the story; If in doubt then don’t!  It’s just not worth it.
 

 

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, PotatoHead said:

Thanks for all the responses.  A lot of good points here.  What I've realized is that I never should have brought up the timeline of 3-5 years to her.  We will know we're ready when that time comes, and until then we are both happy where we are and taking it one day at a time.  It probably won't be that long in reality, if things continue to go well.

You said you started 3 yrs ago so waiting 5 more years is delusional and wasting of time.

 

after 3 yrs you should know if you can live together or not.

[Els]

It's understandable that you're concerned about moving in together with her if your children are opposing it. Especially given that you have some doubts about your relationship at the moment.

However, it's also totally understandable for her to not want to wait 8 years to live together with her partner. That isn't really a timeframe that many people will accept, IMO. So I think you should really be up-front with her and tell her that your timeline isn't really compatible with hers.

Please do NOT do the "we'll know we're ready when the time comes" crap. You were absolutely right to give her that timeline, as that was your initial gut feeling, so she knows that we're talking about years rather than months. You're just backpedaling now because you are afraid to lose her - you need to stop stringing her along. If you are not ready to live together after being together for 3 years, it's extremely unlikely you will ever be ready unless an immense change happens, like your children becoming teenagers and being out of the home more, or your ex being out of the picture, neither of which are going to happen in the near future. She's going to be incredibly unhappy if she stays with you and then another year passes, and then another, and then another, and you two are still living separately.

You're just not compatible with her. I think you should let her go, and in the future, let the person you are dating know early on that you aren't going to be ready to move in together any time in the next few years.

Edited February 4, 2023 by Els

[Alpacalia]

8 hours ago, Els said:

You're just not compatible with her. I think you should let her go, and in the future, let the person you are dating know early on that you aren't going to be ready to move in together any time in the next few years.

That's what I think as well.

I have said from the beginning that I do not want to get married (or live together within the next couple years when I started dating the guy I am dating now). 

Your desire for someone to stand by you is not wrong, just as she is not wrong in her desire not to wait.

It's an impasse.

If you set goals and having a clear understanding of each other's expectations, you can work towards building a secure and fulfilling future together. I heard you say 3-5 years. She doesn't accept that length of time. Neither is an option. Either you can shorten it by a year or two, or she'll decide she's waited long enough and walk.

Edited February 5, 2023 by Alpacalia

[LynneVicious]

This will be blunt but needed. 

You completely uprooted your kids’ lives, divorced, moved to be closer to your affair partner, and you’re wondering why your kids don’t like her? The fact that you’re actually wondering why your kids don’t like her is amazing  

I think some self reflection and introspection may benefit you at this point. You want 3-5 years to move in together for the kids benefit, but you weren’t thinking about their benefit when you left your wife for your affair partner and moved them away from their life. 

That change and deception is HUGE for kids. They may be young, but they know exactly what’s going on. So no, even 3-5 years won’t help them adjust any better. In fact, as they get older, they’re goi g to probably resent you more for it. 

So yes, it’s unreasonable for you to expect her to be okay with your time frame and it’s unreasonable of her to expect it so soon, if at all. And your priorities are all messed up to be more concerned about timeframes in your relationship with the person the kids think broke up their family than the damage that has been caused to your kids.  

I sincerely hope you consider your kids needs as their childhood will shape the rest of their lives. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this dilemma is happening. Unfortunately you seem to be operating from guilt. You feel guilty about the children, you feel guilty about the GF. You also seem to be putting them at odds with each other in your mind. In the meantime it's probably better to postpone talks about moving in together. There's simply too many conflicting factors right now.

[glows]

On 2/3/2023 at 9:55 AM, PotatoHead said:

Yep we are both happy.  She has said she's happy with where we are at right now, she just wants to know that we have a future and are headed in the right direction which I think we are.  Her desire to move in in a couple years I think is driven by a need for security, and not wanting to wait indefinitely or find out that it's never going to happen.  I don't see that being a possibility though.

She can create her own security or be more discerning as well if this relationship is entirely lacking considering the time you’ve spent together. Unfortunately she feels insecure, period, and that’s some reflection she’ll have to do within herself and possibly ask herself whether she sees her life with you long term if none of this is what she wants. There’s a tinge of what seems like distrust there corrupting the relationship. 

The whole issue is the arguments or disagreements between the both of you as neither of you are at the point where living together is a possibility. The hypothetical nature of it and bickering about just about nothing real in particular must be incredibly draining. Why not enjoy what time you have together, prioritize your children now first and foremost and then cross each bridge when it comes? You can’t be appeasing someone all the time or needing to reassure her you’ll live with her sooner to make her feel good about this. The whole prerequisite to moving in together is first assessing whether you get along just dating and it doesn’t sound like you do. 

For both your sakes, I hope this works out. I wouldn’t hang on with someone if you don’t see eye to eye and it’s one constant stress and disagreement after another.

[Gaeta]

I think you , your ex-wife and your children are in need of family therapy. Not to get back together but to purge all that resentment that your ex is unloading on your children and they are unloading on you. If the ex doesn't want to participate than too bad, you do it with your children. 

Yes you cheated and left their mother for another woman and it's a terrible thing to go through but you should not *not have a romantic life* for the nex 20 years because of their resentment. If you do not address this with your children with a professional, then when they get in their teen years it will be 100 times worse than it is now. Beleive me, teenagers have a way of making you pay. They go through their own crap and that makes them less receptive to other peolple's crap. If you care as much as you say than make your first appointment.

There is no such a thing as the right financial time to live together. If the world thought like that half of us wouldn't be born. Being in a relationship is about facing the world & our problems together. 

I think you got a case of *you got what you wanted* and now that you have it, you don't want it as much anymore. Statistic shows that when a man leaves his wife for a mistress that relationship has a failure rate of 75% to 90%.

 

Edited February 5, 2023 by Gaeta

[Lauriebell82]

On 2/3/2023 at 11:33 AM, PotatoHead said:

Thanks for all the responses.  A lot of good points here.  What I've realized is that I never should have brought up the timeline of 3-5 years to her.  We will know we're ready when that time comes, and until then we are both happy where we are and taking it one day at a time.  It probably won't be that long in reality, if things continue to go well.

I think it's good to take things one day at a time, but be careful. 

 I have been with my boyfriend for 5.5 years. We don't live together. Around 4 years ago we had a conversation about "next steps" and we were on drastically different timelines. I wanted to get remarried, he was nowhere near ready. But over time marriage, and even living with someone became less important and I became happy with just being in a relationship (as I readjusted to single life and built a life of my own). So I re-prioritized what was important. My boyfriend still does not talk about marriage or even living together. Those are non-options. The only difference now is that I don't care about it really happening either because I see the benefits of living apart and not being married (especially given his income doesn't go against mine and I can qualify in a lower tax bracket and such) and this will also benefit me when my kids go to college. Again they will qualify for better financial aid programs. 

I think it's better you get everything out in the open and not have any false expectations. Hopefully you guys can meet in the middle at some point. But at the same time, if years from now things aren't progressing, then at least you can make decisions that are best for yourselves and your kids..even if that means perhaps leaving the relationship. I think you are being smart in giving a timeline. Yes, its true things can change..but if that's what you are thinking at this point then it's most likely a realistic number. 

I appreciated my boyfriend giving me a timeline of when he would be potentially ready. And look..he still isn't. I obviously ended up staying in my relationship, but only because I changed my mind about marriage and living together. Had I not, I still would have appreciated that conversation because then I would have been able to make an informed decision and perhaps be able to leave relationship to find someone more compatible.

Edited February 6, 2023 by Lauriebell82

[basil67]

In a regular relationship, I think it's unreasonable to *expect* a partner to wait that long.  But this isn't a regular, healthy relationship. 

Given the amount of concerns, breakups and trust issues you've had since you've been posting about her, I think you'd be crazy to move in together at all.  You've made so many threads about issues the two of you've had.....the whole thing isn't sustainable and you really shoudn't be bringing kids into a relationship which is so fragile and having you think twice so often.

Let's face it, you've got a thread running concurrently to this one where you are talking about her focus on her job making the future unsustainable.  

 

 

[PotatoHead]

Thanks for all the input on this!  It's been a huge help.  Yes, the relationship is a work in progress, aren't they all?  LOL.   But most of that is due to each of us still working on ourselves, healing from past traumas and focusing on our individual growth.  It's hard at times but we have made the decision to work through those issues while staying in a relationship and supporting each other.  I understand some people look at the threads I post here, take those small snippets of the relationship where I have momentary insecurities, and probably think that's an everyday thing for us.   It is actually very rare and my coming here is just a way to get things off my chest.  There aren't actually any big issues in the relationship at all.

That said, the moving in together issue was a bigger thing but we have talked about it more and come to an understanding.  Yes, she would like to push things forward to move in together sooner than I probably would.  She is just afraid of missing out on years where we could be enjoying more time together and sharing a household, it is her dream for us.  But she understands that tensions with the kids will have to ease before it can happen.  I've only got 4-5 good years left before my girls will be pretty much grown and living their own lives, and I am not going to compromise my relationship with them during that time if they aren't ready for us to live together.