Tuesday Morning, He Tells Me Wife Was Leaving - Tuesday Evening, Wife Tells Me She Is Staying

[Blindsided2023]

I knew this guy since 2010, prior to his marriage. Instant connection. We flirted, we crossed some friendship boundaries. He got married. Basically indicated he did it for the kids (he got to know her kids and didn't want to just enter and exit their life). His wife basically put a stop to our friendship, but we stayed in professional contact over the years.

Fast forward to Jan. 2022. We connect on LinkedIn. We reestablish a friendship. In February he tells me I was this big love of his life all of these years and the One and his soulmate and all of this stuff.

This goes on nearly daily for a year.

Two weeks ago he says his wife is leaving - moving to an apartment and he's so excited that we'll finally be able to talk more and be together. Tuesday morning, he emails saying she's putting in an application and should be out of the house by Feb. 1st and then Tuesday evening she contacts me saying he doesn't love me, he was just terrified and guilty due to falling for my trap and if I contact him again, she'll press charges.

I of course am blindsided. So I call him. He hands her the phone, she puts me on speaker, and he just lies...about everything. I pathetically ask if he loves me and he says, "No." I tell wife the truth. She doesn't believe me, so I send some of the emails which included poetry to me, songs, discussions of how emasculated she made him feel, how he wanted to marry me, how I'm his Venus, etc. And I mean, I had thousands of these emails...I just sent her like 10-20. I didn't hear back, so I pathetically sent him a message on LinkedIn and begged for some closure or an explanation as to what happened and he just redirected it to her. Her response was basically what happened is in the past and they want to focus on their happy future without communication from me. I responded back with something equally pathetic to her about that we loved each other and he was just scared of losing half of everything. She didn't respond.

I still haven't heard anything from him. I just feel so blindsided...I really loved him and believed he loved me. He was so consistent in his message. I haven't been able to eat for over a week. I can't sleep. I am just stalking his social media pages...he posted a picture of them together all hugged up on a walk just four days after all of this.

He had told me he was scared she would be vindictive and he didn't want to lose half of everything, basically, so my saying that to her wasn't out of nowhere - she saw the email I forwarded from him confirming. But...for him to verbally say he didn't love me, lie about the timeline, and try to say I trapped him...I just...I need help understanding why. I won't get it from him anytime soon, though I have no doubt he'll eventually reach out - they always do. (I just hope I will be able to ignore it or tell him to go to hell.)

I get strangers on the internet probably can't help, but any married men out there hurt the other woman by lying when confronted with the wife?

And other women, how did you move on? I feel like I am going to die. I've thought about suicide. I meet with a therapist, but I just can't seem to snap out of this despair. Help?

Edited February 3, 2023 by Blindsided2023
Typo

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry you're hurting so badly.  Do you have friends or family people you can be with?   

Your scenario of the guy lying to you in order to calm things down at home is just textbook.  Obviously lying is not a problem for people who have affairs - at least, not in the context of the affair.   

Edited February 3, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Blindsided2023]

Thank you, Nuevo. My mom is older and has some health issues, so I don't want to stress her out over this. My friends are all either happily married or they are going through their own stuff, so I don't want to burden them either. I have a trip to FL scheduled next week, so hoping that will help.

I am just so messed up over all of this. I was during the holidays too. I failed my PhD qualifying exam over stress related to this. I've never been in an affair before and it's just destroying me. I understand the only real victim is his wife but I believed him...

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Blindsided2023 said:

He was so consistent in his message

You have learned the hard way that you can't take it seriously from a married man. 

1 hour ago, Blindsided2023 said:

for him to verbally say he didn't love me, lie about the timeline, and try to say I trapped him...I just...I need help understanding why

Because he is selfish. Full stop. He does and says whatever suits his interests and agenda, and his agenda now is keeping his wife. Previously it was getting some excitement outside his marriage. But he doesn't care much about anyone's feelings but his own, so you get thrown under the bus. 

1 hour ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I am just stalking his social media pages

You absolutely need to stop checking his social media. You're rubbing salt in your own wound here and it's not necessary. 

57 minutes ago, Blindsided2023 said:

My friends are all either happily married or they are going through their own stuff, so I don't want to burden them either

Do any of them know you were involved with this man? 

[S2B]

Married men always look for what works for them ONLY.

I hope you can move forward and only date available men.

Hugs 

[basil67]

So he lied by omission to his wife all that time.  Why would you think that he’d be honest with you?   A good dose of cynicism never goes astray when someone has already proved themselves capable of deception.   

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

So I call him. He hands her the phone, she puts me on speaker, and he just lies...about everything. I pathetically ask if he loves me and he says, "No." I tell wife the truth. She doesn't believe me, so I send some of the emails which included poetry to me, songs, discussions of how emasculated she made him feel, how he wanted to marry me, how I'm his Venus, etc. And I mean, I had thousands of these emails...I just sent her like 10-20. I didn't hear back, so I pathetically sent him a message on LinkedIn and begged for some closure or an explanation as to what happened and he just redirected it to her. Her response was basically what happened is in the past and they want to focus on their happy future without communication from me. I responded back with something equally pathetic to her about that we loved each other and he was just scared of losing half of everything. She didn't respond.

You shouldn't have called him. 

I don't mean any offence but it really made you look pathetic and desperate.

It is done with this guy and judging by what I read, he wont reach out again.

I know you are waiting for him to contact you but I can guarantee that he wont.

You need to block his social media because you are just torturing yourself for nothing.

Like she said, they are putting the past behind them and focusing on their happy future.

You should do the same.

Stay out of their marriage and focus on you.

[Alpacalia]

When someone disappears and comes back to tell you they love you, take caution.

It's called common sense.

No matter whether their feelings are genuine or not, there is always the possibility that they have another motivation.

Despite knowing his intentions, you welcomed him back with open arms without ensuring you were on the same page, disrupting his commitment to someone else and leaving you and his spouse emotionally scarred. His wife is the real victim here.

I would recommend that you reflect on the reasons for your desire to pursue a relationship with a married person and to seek support and guidance if needed. Hopefully, it will enable you to make more informed choices in future relationships.

Forget this guy, he is bad news. Move forward.

 

Edited February 3, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

. I have a trip to FL scheduled next week, so hoping that will help.

Sorry this happened. Clearly he's a liar who depicted his wife as a shrew to you and you as a fatal attraction case to her. That's how these cheaters tend to operate.

Allow your vacation to be a turning point. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

When you return make an appointment with your physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

This way you can unpack and sort out what happened as well as examine what factors lead you down this dark lonely road.  Keep in mind that he created a mirage for his own benefit. It may be easier to recover knowing it was a sham.

Edited February 3, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Starswillshine]

His actions show where he truly wants to be. Delete and block him everywhere and stop torturing yourself looking at their social media. 

The trash took itself out, it gonna hurt like hell, but you'll look back on these days in the future happy you didn't waste even more time. 

[Blindsided2023]

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

You shouldn't have called him. 

I don't mean any offence but it really made you look pathetic and desperate.

It is done with this guy and judging by what I read, he wont reach out again.

I know you are waiting for him to contact you but I can guarantee that he wont.

You need to block his social media because you are just torturing yourself for nothing.

Like she said, they are putting the past behind them and focusing on their happy future.

You should do the same.

Stay out of their marriage and focus on you.

Hi, JTSW, and thank you for your response. I just have to clarify, I called because he wasn't the one who emailed me - she did. I was thinking maybe she found out and was just reacting. I wasn't even sure he knew about it. I was trying to get clarification from him. I really was blindsided, so was not expecting the phone call to go the way it went.

But yes, I realize I look pathetic and desperate. I want to commit suicide over it, so they seem like pretty appropriate adjectives to use.

I'm not waiting on him to contact me per se. I'm not wanting to get back with him - I am not wanting to be with someone who would do this to any of us the way he has. I am just waiting for him (or anyone) to explain why. 

He wasn't getting sex out of it. We were waiting until they were separated for that. I wasn't always easy to deal with, because this whole situation was killing me. And yet his message was consistent. He never wavered. He daily professed love for me in the most adamant terms. If he didn't feel that way...why do all this?

I suppose his being selfish as others have said makes sense. But to what end? Just for a fantasy?

Edited February 3, 2023 by Blindsided2023

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I called because he wasn't the one who emailed me - she did.

So she warned you not to contact him again and the first thing you do is call him?

8 minutes ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I want to commit suicide over it,

Neither of them are worth it so don't think like this.

Speak with a therapist who can help you realise that the only people with the problems is them, not you.

[mark clemson]

9 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

 so I send some of the emails which included poetry to me, songs, discussions of how emasculated she made him feel, how he wanted to marry me, how I'm his Venus, etc. And I mean, I had thousands of these emails...I just sent her like 10-20. I didn't hear back, so I pathetically sent him a message on LinkedIn and begged for some closure or an explanation as to what happened and he just redirected it to her. Her response was basically what happened is in the past and they want to focus on their happy future without communication from me.

Help?

My belief is that when MM are "busted" it's an inflection point and they either go wife/partner or leave. From everything I hear they typically (not always, but most often) go wife. Actually ending a marriage is a big deal and not everyone has the stomach for it.

Affairs are (at a minimum) based on "lies of omission" and both parties in one know that. You broke that implicit contract by contacting the wife, providing proof etc. While you may have been "in a state" when you did this, from his perspective you're a wildcard/not trustworthy.

Overall it sounds like (1) the wife wants the marriage to continue despite his affair, at least for now (2) he has "gone wife" when found out, and (3) you are no longer seen as a trustyworthy AP.

While this may have all felt very romantic in the moment, in the cold light of day there's (unfortunately for you) nothing to salvage here. Leave them alone and move on. IF he's truly as miserable as he says, he MAY one day leave of his accord or she might (actually) leave. He could contact you then and you could cross that bridge if/when it happens. I strongly suggest you NOT wait for that eventuality, as it's low-probability, but instead look for a new and single partner.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, Blindsided2023 said:

But yes, I realize I look pathetic and desperate. I want to commit suicide over it, so they seem like pretty appropriate adjectives to use.

Please get help for your suicidal thoughts. Call a hotline or reach out to an organization where you are. Your life is worth so much more than all of this unfortunate drama.

[stillafool]

Sounds like the wife has been through this before and you're not the first OW she's had to deal with.  He's done the typical lie, lie and lie until the wife finds out and then throw the OW under the bus routine.  Nothing new here unfortunately.  Don't look for closure from him because he can't give it to you.   Only you can find your closure.  Stop spying on their social media because that will keep you in pain and may prevent you from moving on.  If you feel suicidal please contact a help line and make an appointment with a counselor/therapist to guide you.  Good luck.

[BaileyB]

10 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

But...for him to verbally say he didn't love me, lie about the timeline, and try to say I trapped him...I just...I need help understanding why.

He married the woman because “he didn’t want to disappoint the children that were not his?” 

The warning signs were all there - this is a people pleasing, conflict avoidant man lacking any kind of integrity or even the courage is his convictions. 

You trusted unwisely. When you ask the question “why,” don’t focus on the man. Focus on yourself - why did you chose to trust this man and why did you chose this love triangle for yourself? 

I’m sorry that this has happened. But, best you accept this now and not waste any more of your time on this man…

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I am just waiting for him (or anyone) to explain why. 

People engage in extramarital affairs for any number of reasons. You are unlikely to ever get an answer to this question and you will need to learn to make piece with that. 

The reasons may vary but the end result is often the same - the errant spouse is caught, and assuming that the betrayed spouse does not decide to file for divorce, the hammer comes down. The wayward spouse often runs home without even saying goodbye to their affair partner. And, the affair partner is left feeling betrayed and bereft - 

Edited February 3, 2023 by BaileyB

[Acacia98]

9 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I knew this guy since 2010, prior to his marriage. Instant connection. We flirted, we crossed some friendship boundaries. He got married. Basically indicated he did it for the kids (he got to know her kids and didn't want to just enter and exit their life). 

You now realize that this was BS, right?

He was so committed to the kids that he didn't want to break their hearts when he still had the opportunity to walk away (by reasonable standards). But now that he's married to their mother and has been part of their lives for years, he's ready to overturn their lives and leave them? Nah. This guy was lying to you from the beginning.

You want help understanding why he behaved the way he did? Well, he's an incredibly self-centered and emotionally immature man. It sounds like he's fickle and doesn't have much of a backbone. He's probably fearful of confrontation, so he prefers to manipulate people. He also has people-pleasing tendencies. Loyalty is not one of his qualities.

You basically fell in love with a deeply flawed man. His flaws explain his behavior. Don't blame yourself for his actions. If you hadn't been in the picture, he would have done the same things to another woman.

However, you should take responsibility for your own actions. Try to understand what aspects of your own personality and experiences made it difficult for you to see him for what he was. 

[Alpacalia]

The third party (that's YOU) is stubborn, let's admit it.

The battle will continue until you feel that enough has been done.

Your realization that you should have given up will probably take years.

Surely if he loves his wife deeply, he wouldn't compromise their relationship. While this is sometimes true, in most cases it is the opposite. Often, men cheat out of boredom.

In the end, he will choose his wife, because he regrets wasting a "good catch over a temporary one."

Whatever his reasons are, cheating is still completely erroneous.

And both of you don’t deserve this disrespect.

[Blindsided2023]

Thank you, all--

I certainly don't want to waste anymore time on him and this...it's just hard to admit I was so bamboozled. 

Having been the wife previously of a husband who cheated (though he never told any of the women that he loved them which would have made those betrayals so much worse for me), I realize the true victim in all this is the wife. I always swore I would never do to another woman what was done to me and yet here I am...

I knew this man for over a decade. I just believed he meant what he was saying...he's a really upstanding person in his various communities; has a doctorate; is a therapist; I really respected him and just never would have believed him capable of this level of deception and for what? A year long emotional affair? I'm just really floored.

I guess we never really know people...and like some of you have said: all the signs/flags were there. I just overlooked them.

I'm just so heartbroken over it all...just how stupid of me.

[inlove20102010]

Seriously, look after yourself. I got really sick when my MM and me broke up ended up in hospital. This helped me put it in perspective that in the bigger picture YOUR LIFE is precious. I'm afraid I disagree with many of the posters and he will probablly be back at some point so prepare for that might be 1-2-3 years time. The most important thing right now is for you to value yourself and RISE above this. You got this. You are strong to go a year putting up with this bull- £hit so please, remember to LOVE yourself. I bet loads of guys want you but your heart is closed. Stuff him. He chose and he made a mistake. If he was that happy he would not have had the affair in the first place. He will spend years regretting this but please dont take him back, be cold, ignore and trust that YOU deserve more. THIS IS NOW ABOUT YOU! Not him. He is nothing you are everything x

[Blindsided2023]

1 hour ago, inlove20102010 said:

Seriously, look after yourself. I got really sick when my MM and me broke up ended up in hospital. This helped me put it in perspective that in the bigger picture YOUR LIFE is precious. I'm afraid I disagree with many of the posters and he will probablly be back at some point so prepare for that might be 1-2-3 years time. The most important thing right now is for you to value yourself and RISE above this. You got this. You are strong to go a year putting up with this bull- £hit so please, remember to LOVE yourself. I bet loads of guys want you but your heart is closed. Stuff him. He chose and he made a mistake. If he was that happy he would not have had the affair in the first place. He will spend years regretting this but please dont take him back, be cold, ignore and trust that YOU deserve more. THIS IS NOW ABOUT YOU! Not him. He is nothing you are everything x

Thank you, inlove. I really appreciate this. Honestly, I'm inclined to agree with you. All my exes have always left the door open, and I feel like I know him well enough to know that by not saying anything he is leaving the door open to come back later and feed me some like of crap even if it years years from now. I have no doubt if he really didn't plan on coming back around, he would just email me some really hateful message to be able to say to his wife, "Look what I did to her for you?" I don't know what he's telling her - maybe that he's afraid of how will impact my mental health and he's trying to play the good caring therapist.

But it doesn't matter what his plans are or why he is doing what he is doing. I just need to be healed and moved on so I will not fall for it again.

I hope you're doing better now, inlove. Thank you for sharing with me.

Edited February 3, 2023 by Blindsided2023

[LynneVicious]

Unfortunately, this is a tough lesson to learn. So many women fall for a mm’s words. They’re just words. That’s all. Even if he did miraculously leave his life, what kind of relationship do you think you’d have? The man cheated on his wife, who he swore vows to. Your relationship would never be healthy because it began on an enormous lie and deception.  It’s better this way  

Sorry you’re in pain, but never get into anything with another woman’s husband.  You need to feel this pain to process the loss. No magic pill and no shortcuts will do it. Surround yourself with a support system and keep yourself busy and take it one day at a time. You will heal. 

once you’ve healed, you’ll be able to see things clearly and knock him off his pedestal and the fantasy you have. 

[Lotsgoingon]

He came back and said you were the love of his life.

You were under NO obligation to take that seriously or to jump on his train. In fact, you want to be skeptical of that. Think about it--he's the one who is out of control here. If he really was into you, he could have said something earlier. 

I don't see you in this story. You made the mistake (easy to make) of assuming that because he's interested (or says he's interested) that decides the matter for you. No it doesn't. Saying he was going to leave his wife, I'm sorry, that's not even 1 percent original. That's a formula that married guys use.

You want to have some standards. One standard is a person is single--not leaving, not separating, none of that. Single! And if they are divorced, you want single for some years. It can take years for a divorced person to really be open to someone new. Also you want to take your time to see what his divorced life is like.

And mainly you want to ask the question, skeptically: is this guy worth it for ME?!

I'm sure (or at least I hope I'm exaggerating things) but sounds to me like he pressed a button and you jumped. BTW: there are probably multiple guys that along the way had crushes on you that didn't approach you for one reason or another. Doesn't mean you would be interested in them. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I really respected him and just never would have believed him capable of this level of deception and for what? A year long emotional affair? I'm just really floored.

The moment he started cheating with you was the moment to un-floor yourself. 

You saw from the beginning what is he capable of. You knew from the minute he started engaging with you inappropriately that he was not the model citizen you thought he was - not even close. Once you're past the immediate pain, you will see that you fooled yourself a lot here too. It sounds like you lied to yourself for a long time too, not wanting to accept that the mere fact that he was cheating with you meant he is deceptive and a generally a dumpster fire. 

Please do seek qualified support in overcoming this. Your life is worth a lot more than this.