Tuesday Morning, He Tells Me Wife Was Leaving - Tuesday Evening, Wife Tells Me She Is Staying

[Alpacalia]

21 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

Having been the wife previously of a husband who cheated (though he never told any of the women that he loved them which would have made those betrayals so much worse for me), I realize the true victim in all this is the wife. I always swore I would never do to another woman what was done to me and yet here I am...

And you probably would have kept going if it wasn’t for the fact that he pulled the plug. Let’s face it. The relationship you were in had reaped benefits for you without causing any negative consequences (at least initially).

For that reason, I would guess that you won't feel bad initially or at the very least not sympathize with this woman if he tells you he no longer loves his wife, remains only for the children, or for financial reasons. In the same way, if he told you that his wife is a bad person or someone he no longer loves or desires, but to whom he feels obliged to remain faithful, you are unlikely to feel guilty. 

The same may likely to be true for many women, even if they don't care to admit it. You are certainly not alone in believing that "all is fair in love and war" and/or that if their lovers' marriages were going well, there would be no affairs.

He was probably in love with the situation comparatively to the one that he is in at home. For arguments sake, maybe he did love you. But understand that the best you'll ever get from this guy is leftovers.

Think about that: Someone who will give you first place. That means someone who will consider his own needs and desires only after yours are seen to. What you had was a guy who puts his own needs and wants first. Then his wife and kids (if he has them). Then you.

And he's already told you that that calculus isn't going to change any time soon.

I'm sure you're a very lovely woman. But he's taken. He's not available to you. That's the bad news. It's good news, because there is someone else waiting for you that is.

[Will am I]

It’s clear that this whole situation is only tearing you down.

It’s understandable that you feel wronged and confused and conflicted because of the mixed signals from your AP with his wife, without his wife and your AP’s wife.

But for your own sake, it’s better not to seek “setting the records straight”. Just walk out of the affair and break all  contact.

You deserve better than this. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

[S2B]

He’s a complete jerk.

be glad you dodged this bullet.

[Luna66star]

The wife will always win in these situations.  Don't bother asking "why", forget about it, we all know the answer.  He's a coward.  Let's face it, he will lose half of everything he owns.  Here is the "why".  Lawyers, courts, fights over the mighty dollar, and his reputation in the community will go to pot.  Too much stress and embarrassment.  Sure he might care for you tons but he cares for himself more - and what he will lose.

However one day he will contact you again, helping to fill the holes in his marriage.  I wouldn't even grieve for this man.  He's not worth suicide for either.  

He's also a lier and  cheat.  He would do the same to you in a heartbeat.  He's NO prize.  Move out of his area,  change your job, do whatever it takes to focus on YOUR life, goals, aspirations. 

No point in dwelling on the "why". It's very clear he used you, like most MM do.  Unless the guy is in the midst of a divorce, stay FAR away and don't believe anything they say.  Even if in a divorce keep the distance because they will be seeking a counselor to make them feel better.  NOT to settle down right away!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Blindsided2023]

Thank you all for your advice and support. I honestly thought my divorce would be the hardest thing I would ever go through but there was closure with that, and I was emotionally distanced by then due to a variety of factors including cheating. I was just completely in love with this guy...like totally emotionally open. He was so consistent - I was paranoid and scared of getting hurt, but never really doubted him, because of just how consistent he was. I thought he might be keeping things from me, but never thought he was lying to me.

I get in retrospect when he's been lying to his wife this whole time that it is complete idiocy for me to believe he wouldn't lie to me...

I just can't believe he hasn't spoken a word to me. An apology. An explanation. Nothing. I just couldn't do that to someone even if I had cheated and wanted to work on my marriage. I would tell my husband I was to blame for hurting multiple people, and my AP deserves an apology just as my husband does.

Anyway, lesson learned. I will definitely never look twice at a married man even as a close friend no matter how long I've known them or what their story is.

Thank you again, all.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I just can't believe he hasn't spoken a word to me. An apology. An explanation. Nothing. I just couldn't do that to someone even if I had cheated

And you are learning the hard way that he isn't you - he doesn't think the way you do, and doesn't feel the way you do. 

I get that it hurts to be suddenly cut off, but it was always a risk. It comes with the territory of an affair. He threw you right under the bus when he got caught, and his wife likely also threatened to kick him out if he had any more contact with you. So, you get thrown out with the proverbial bath water. 

2 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I will definitely never look twice at a married man

Very good plan. 

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

He was so consistent - I never really doubted him, because of just how consistent he was.

Consistency matters not when the man is married to another woman.

You were trying to build a home on a sand foundation. He was consistently saying to you - I’m going to shore it up. Don’t worry baby, I’m going to shore up the foundation and we are going to live in the best house on the block… Now you know, words don’t matter. When you are planning a future with another woman’s husband you are building  on a shaky and unstable foundation. 

2 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I thought he might be keeping things from me, but never thought he was lying to me.

“Keeping things from me” is otherwise known as “lying by omission.” He was always lying to you - it just took you a while to learn that. 

[Will am I]

4 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I just can't believe he hasn't spoken a word to me. An apology. An explanation.

I totally understand your emotional need here. You may desire closure (a logical desire when coming out of a pretty long relationship). You may feel like you deserve better treatment in this final act of the affair (you do). You may need some sort of validation of the fact that you’re not being crazy (you’re not).

As understandable as your emotions are, it’s better to break all contact and sort yourself  out with the help of your friends. You can’t rely on a man who’s been taking advantage of you for a long time, to help you get over the affair. You should’t rely on your xAP for anything.

[inlove20102010]

 

She was single, she was looking to move in with this guy.

He clearly wanted to be with her but did not have the guts to take that risk and decided to stay with the tried and tested - his wife.

The terrible phone call must have been awful for her but I can totally see why she called him, and what a coward to put her on speakerphone.[ ] 

Let;s face it, he made plans to move in with her it looked like he was going to leave her until he chickened out. This was bad luck for her because some married men do leave the wife - I know many that have.

I think as the OW was holding onto the hope that HE will take that chance on the new relationship it's not her fault he decided not to at the last minute. The most important thing she needs right now is love and support from us and certainly not told she should have left him at the beginning, love is not perfect, people are not perfect. There is an overlap sometimes when people have to get there stuff in order and leave a relationship, as the OW she give him time to do that.

Love is not black and white and sometimes you cannot walk away when your heart tells you not to, I am sure after this experience she will see the red flags prior to falling in love. She is hurting so needs to move on from this with positive vibes from this forum.

Quote

I just can't believe he hasn't spoken a word to me. An apology. An explanation.

Yes, I get this, but he is scared now and probablly telling his wife he will never contact you etc but know this, that his marriage is now [ruined] she will never trust him and he is probablly going to be living in an unhappy existance as trust is now broken.

You don't need his vaidation or apology as you are stronger than you think. Copying with this will change you.

In terms of the silence from him, he will never hurt as much as YOU - as he already has his wife. Think of relationships in boxes (sex, friendship, security, finances, etc) you fufilled some of his boxes while in the affair ---so he felt complete --- that is why people have affairs because some boxes are not being filled.

Now some of those boxes are empty (because you are gone) he believes he can fill his needs (his boxes) using his wife, while all your boxes are all empty - hence why it hurts more for you.

The most important thing now is to heal from this and not overthink why he has not contacted you. It just feels really shi%%ty that they do this and don't seem to care after you have given everything and they have given nothing - not even a whisper but that says more about him and all the reason why he was not suppose to be in your life x

Edited February 7, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[mark clemson]

Although external things like conversations can help it along, closure eventually comes from within. It sometimes takes longer than we'd like, but one gets there eventually.

[HappyAgain2014]

A big part of why this is so difficult is because the very foundation you based the affair on was blown up. It’s the lie all OW desperately want to believe ….that this love is so meant to be that it justifies participating in an affair. When the rug is pulled out, OW feel used and discarded. It’s natural, but necessary to knock some sense into you. 

The good news is he did you a favor by revealing what a cowardly loser he is. The disconnected feeling you have with yourself is reality setting in after the fantasy of the affair. Trust that feeling and give yourself some time. We are all worth more than being someone’s secret.  

Thanks to my former MM showing me a reality I never could have imagined by throwing me under the bus, I was free to have a real relationship with a man who showed me every day where I stood. Not talk, real actions. None of that is possible with someone else’s husband. 

[S2B]

Any apology given should be to his wife.

at this point he’s busy! He’s busy trying to do damage control at home. That shows every bit of who he is - a coward. A liar. And a thief - he stole your time, attention and energy. 
he also likely deprived his wife of what she deserved from a loyal husband.

he’s no gem… just a common thief.

[basil67]

14 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I just can't believe he hasn't spoken a word to me. An apology. An explanation. Nothing. I just couldn't do that to someone even if I had cheated and wanted to work on my marriage. I would tell my husband I was to blame for hurting multiple people, and my AP deserves an apology just as my husband does.

What makes you think that an explanation or apology would come from an honest place?  It think it's more likely that it would just be more BS where he blames his wife for various things. 

The only time an affair partner deserves an apology is when they didn't know they were part of an affair.   But if they go in with full knowledge, then it's up to the AP to take responsibility for their own actions.  If any apology is made, is should be from the AP to the betrayed spouse and involve taking full responsibility for their actions.    

 

[Alpacalia]

So, if he's been lying to his wife, one can only assume he would have no issue lying to you. It's important to remember that trust is granted to another person, not given, and you need to protect yourself from further hurt by not trusting him in this situation until he showed consistent, genuine effort.

You were hoping that your AP would show some kind of remorse and take responsibility for his actions. Unfortunately, some people don't realize the full impact of their actions until they've had time to reflect on them.

Edited February 7, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Blindsided2023]

This is all interesting dialogue. I think the humane thing to do in any situation where someone has been deliberately hurt for any reason is to apologize. I mean, that's like saying that people - grown adults - who are duped into being recruited into a cult, say, are not deserving of an apology when that cult leader manipulate, uses, abuses, etc. them. Or that people who are in abusive relations don't deserve an apology from their abuser.

I realize every situation is different and accountability varies, but basic human decency should be granted to all harmed parties. In an ideal world, in my opinion, that would include open dialogue with everyone present.

And of course I've already apologized to the betrayed partner. Not that my apology likely means much to her. I honestly would have apologized if I ended up with him in the end. And I would have been fine with her reaching out to him or them talking or whatever was needed, because she would deserve that.

I'm not saying I'm a magnanimous person here. If I were I would have said, "If you want to be with me, work on getting divorced and if I'm still single, feel free to call me."

Looking back, it's what I wish I would have done. 

Anyway, he did end up finally contacting me and CCing his wife just to say that our relationship is over and that neither wants any contact from me. 

So, though not much closure, it's appreciated to hear it from him rather than her.

Thank you all, again.

[BaileyB]

It is obviously not the closure that you wanted, but you need to take that for what it is - closure. 

He’s made his choice. He’s chosen his family and he has communicated that to you. The end.

I don’t think that “an apology” would mean much at this point. At least, it wouldn’t mean much to me. I wouldn’t trust anything he has to say at this point. More importantly, there is little he could say that would make me feel better. In fact, it would likely set me back. IF he apologized in a sincere and genuine way - it would hurt all the more… It would make me all the more angry with him, and the situation, and his decision to stay in his marriage. 

I would simply try to file this in the box of - things I will never understand - and move on with my life. You would never do this to another human being - so, it makes sense that you can’t understand the “why” here. 

The important thing is to learn the lesson here. If you get stuck in the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you learn the lessons, you will grow. 

Edited February 7, 2023 by BaileyB

[S2B]

He’s not going to apologize - he used you on purpose.

let’s be realistic. The only way you’ll get any apology is IF he intends to come back and use you some more.

don’t allow that.

he will only apologize if there is a reward for him. He will want to pick it back up with you when his wife no longer suspects his actions. So be ready for that down the road when the dust settles.

learn to be strong…strong enough to never go back again!

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/7/2023 at 8:00 PM, Blindsided2023 said:

that's like saying that people - grown adults - who are duped into being recruited into a cult, say, are not deserving of an apology when that cult leader manipulate, uses, abuses, etc. them. Or that people who are in abusive relations don't deserve an apology from their abuser.

No, it's not like that.  

To restate the obvious, and highlight the vast discrepancy between you and the above examples: You were a willing participant. Not a victim. Not someone who was duped into believing he was anything but a married man. You knew what you were getting into and that your behaviour was also harmful and hurtful. You had a choice and free will and could leave when you wanted without threat of retribution or fear for your own safety.

Did he hurt you along the way? Yes. Would it be graceful of him to apologize to you? Yes. But can that be likened to an abuse victim being owed an apology? Not by a country mile. 

[Wiseman2]

On 2/7/2023 at 2:00 PM, Blindsided2023 said:

, he did end up finally contacting me and CCing his wife just to say that our relationship is over and that neither wants any contact from me.

Generally he seems to have low integrity. So the same characteristics that led to lying cheating etc would lead to not caring no less apologizing for hurting people.  Be glad you're free of this snake.

[HappyAgain2014]

On 2/7/2023 at 8:53 AM, Alpacalia said:

So, if he's been lying to his wife, one can only assume he would have no issue lying to you. It's important to remember that trust is granted to another person, not given, and you need to protect yourself from further hurt by not trusting him in this situation until he showed consistent, genuine effort.

You were hoping that your AP would show some kind of remorse and take responsibility for his actions. Unfortunately, some people don't realize the full impact of their actions until they've had time to reflect on them.

This is spot on. MM aren’t necessarily choosing their wife over the OW. The willingness to participate in the affair in the first place and the way most react when caught shows the priority all along was himself. Selfish to the core. 

[Blindsided2023]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, it's not like that.  

To restate the obvious, and highlight the vast discrepancy between you and the above examples: You were a willing participant. Not a victim. Not someone who was duped into believing he was anything but a married man. You knew what you were getting into and that your behaviour was also harmful and hurtful. You had a choice and free will and could leave when you wanted without threat of retribution or fear for your own safety.

Did he hurt you along the way? Yes. Would it be graceful of him to apologize to you? Yes. But can that be likened to an abuse victim being owed an apology? Not by a country mile. 

I certainly wasn't meaning to compare an affair to an abusive relationship. The point was meant to show that victimization of any kind deserves an apology. That was just one example that came to mind. 

I would say intentionality plays a role in culpability. I apologized to his wife. I even apologized to him, but I never intended this. He manipulated me and then threw me under the bus.

And I haven't mentioned it, because I don't think it's relevant to the situation at hand, but since so many are wanting to present the wife as the only victim here, she cheated on her first husband with him. She's no saint. She is human just as everyone involved in this situation is.

Anyway, my only point was that people should be treated with some kindness, dignity, and respect and apologies can help establish that IMO.

[stillafool]

35 minutes ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I apologized to his wife. I even apologized to him, but I never intended this. He manipulated me and then threw me under the bus.

When did you apologize to his wife?  When he handed her the phone?  If you felt he manipulated you and threw you under the bus why would you apologize to him?  Why weren't you angry with him?

[Alpacalia]

He has his own reasons and motivations for his actions. He may not feel that he has anything to apologize for. In which case, why would you want an apology from him?

In situations like this, it's important to respect the other person's perspective and to focus on your own healing and growth. It may be difficult, but it's important to let go of the expectation for an apology and to work towards moving forward and finding closure.

A person's ability to forgive and heal is not in your hands, just as getting an apology is not under your control.

[S2B]

Apologies come from people who are sorry they did something.

I don’t think he’s sorry. He wanted more than one helping. He will likely do it again - harming another woman in his future.

I wish there was a website that maps out men or women that aren’t good to people they try and date.

a list. A few words to warn others..

 

 

[Blindsided2023]

49 minutes ago, stillafool said:

When did you apologize to his wife?  When he handed her the phone?  If you felt he manipulated you and threw you under the bus why would you apologize to him?  Why weren't you angry with him?

I was shocked. And I basically was taking him at face value and if he really felt that I had done those things, that I never meant to. 

It didn't occur to me at the time that he was lying to save face with his wife tbh.

I apologized to the wife when I sent her the correspondence, since it would have broken me to read it if I were her, but she asked me for it.

I am hurt more than angry. I knew this was a possible outcome, but I just believed what he was telling me and I loved him and wanted to believe it. But I realize my culpability as well in all of it. I knew he was married. They both deserved an apology from me, just as I do from him for the hurt he caused me. At least, in my opinion.

I understand I likely won't get it unless as another member said he is looking to come back. A mutual friend of ours suspected that will be his approach. I do as well. I just hope I'm healed and moved on so I don't fall for it again.

The other aspect of this story is that he was my former professor, so when I mention feeling manipulated, our "relationship" began 13 years ago, prior to his marriage, when I was his student.

So, I realize people want to bastardize me as the AP for particupating, and I own my responsibility in this, but there are other factors at play that I'm genuinely surprised so many people don't consider in their replies. But I get this is the internet and only the three of us know the history and situation. I just wanted general feedback in regard to moving on so didn't get into the history of our story - just the outcome.

Not directed at you, specifically, stillafool. Just in general.