Tuesday Morning, He Tells Me Wife Was Leaving - Tuesday Evening, Wife Tells Me She Is Staying

[Blindsided2023]

6 minutes ago, S2B said:

 

I wish there was a website that maps out men or women that aren’t good to people they try and date.

a list. A few words to warn others..

 

 

That would be helpful...and I also think you are right. Though I hope no one else gets hurt. He's older, so hopefully he doesn't have the energy to do this to someone again...but I am sure that's not the case.

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

The other aspect of this story is that he was my former professor, so when I mention feeling manipulated, our "relationship" began 13 years ago, prior to his marriage, when I was his student.

The red flags just continue to reveal themselves…

Obviously, this is not a man of character and integrity. Is it possible that you are not the only student with whom he was involved? Perhaps you are not the only woman that his wife has discovered? 

It’s very understandable why you would feel manipulated if your professor pursued you and engaged in an inappropriate relationship. That is a significant power imbalance. But this, is thirteen years later. And, it’s an even playing field - two adults chosing to engage in an extramarital relationship. 

And while we all agree that you weren’t where you belong and you are responsible for that decision, I can appreciate why you would feel manipulated now - he mislead you to believe that his marriage was ending and that he was serious about a relationship with you. That’s a terrible thing to do. 

Now you know, married men say a lot of things… they tend to write cheques that they can not cash. Best to keep your distance. 

 

Edited February 9, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

I understand I likely won't get it unless as another member said he is looking to come back. A mutual friend of ours suspected that will be his approach. I do as well. I just hope I'm healed and moved on so I don't fall for it again.

The best way to ensure you don't fall for him again is to block him from contacting you.  You don't need his apology to move on.  I agree with Bailey that given he's a Professor and the way his wife acted, he's more than likely done this many times before.

[NuevoYorko]

15 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

That would be helpful...and I also think you are right. Though I hope no one else gets hurt. He's older, so hopefully he doesn't have the energy to do this to someone again...but I am sure that's not the case.

Don't get me wrong - I understand that you've been hurt and you feel terrible.  I would too.

But WHY would anyone need a website?  Try this:  If a person is married, do not get into an emotional and / or sexual relationship with them.  EVER.  Unless, that is, you are prepared to feel the way you are feeling now.

I don't know how much you've been around this site, but you could spend years reading threads written by the devastated OW / OM's here.  They are interchangeable in many respects.   Predictable.  

[S2B]

You say you “hope” you don’t go back to him… you better do the hard work to make “sure” you don’t ever go back to that lying snake who uses women for his own ego strokes.

[BaileyB]

I hate to say it, but most woman would have seen this guy coming and crossed the street. Your question to answer - why did you not do that?

Married - strike one

Former professor who engaged in an inappropriate relationship with a student - strike two. 

Furthermore, man who unceremoniously dumped you to run home to his wife when your affair was discovered - strike three. 

IF he ever attempts to contact you in the future, print this page out and reread these words.

Surely, you want more for yourself than this? I mean, when you were first “dating” and he ended it to marry his current wife because… HER children would be disappointed… that should have told you everything you needed to know about this man and how much value he placed on your relationship. Below the children that were not even his. Below the mother of those children. 

Walk away and block this guy - no apology necessary. You have simply got to require more for yourself in the future. 

[HappyAgain2014]

All the advice the OP has gotten is solid. If nothing else keeps you from going back consider this… if you take him back after he discarded you, you’d be showing him you perceive yourself as a convenience that can be discarded at will. 

Let that sink in. There’s no other way to see it. 

 

[basil67]

22 hours ago, Blindsided2023 said:

That would be helpful...and I also think you are right. Though I hope no one else gets hurt. He's older, so hopefully he doesn't have the energy to do this to someone again...but I am sure that's not the case.

If another woman gets involved with him knowing that he's married, then her pain is self inflicted.  All of our decisions have consequences and OW are not immune to this

[Alpacalia]

On 2/8/2023 at 4:56 PM, Blindsided2023 said:

So, I realize people want to bastardize me as the AP for particupating, and I own my responsibility in this, but there are other factors at play that I'm genuinely surprised so many people don't consider in their replies. But I get this is the internet and only the three of us know the history and situation. I just wanted general feedback in regard to moving on so didn't get into the history of our story - just the outcome.

Not directed at you, specifically, stillafool. Just in general.

Sorry to hear that.

You've been given excellent advice.

It's so easy to vilify the man in question.

It is interesting how often a hurting spouse believes the affair partner will tell them the truth and sorrowfully see the error of their ways once they realize the pain they have caused. 

Just from reading some of the threads on here, it's pretty common for the affair partner to lie, vilify, and justify their immature behaviors, and when they’re told it’s over, and no sign of hope remains for the adulterous relationship, they’ll cling, cry, beg, and plead. 

In terms of my viewpoint, I cannot relate as I have never had such an experience with engaging in an affair with a married person (a situation I hope I never encounter). 

Are you truly concerned about this other person (the wife), or is it what you really want is for your ex lover to feel pain? To have someone treat him the way he has treated you?

More than likely you won’t get any answers from him since you already know the important part.  You know where you are today, and whatever happened, it’s done now. It’s time to move on, and moving on means letting it all go.

 

Edited February 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

On 2/9/2023 at 1:01 AM, Blindsided2023 said:

hopefully he doesn't have the energy to do this to someone again

You need to remember that you are just as guilty as he is.

You did the same thing, cheated.

You are no different.

Certainly not a victim.

[Wiseman2]

On 2/2/2023 at 11:24 PM, Blindsided2023 said:

 Her response was basically what happened is in the past and they want to focus on their happy future without communication from me.

All you can do is delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

They've been crystal clear about no contact. Once someone states this you need to back off 100%. The last thing anyone needs is a restraining order or a visit from the police about harassment/stalking.

Was he a duplicitous snake? Yes. But you're only responsibly is to your mental and physical health and moving forward. Whatever this snake decides to do is not your problem any longer.

[mark clemson]

On 2/2/2023 at 8:24 PM, Blindsided2023 said:

Instant connection.

It's an interesting quirk of human nature.

Many (certainly not all) women it seems would rather share a winner they find suitable than settle for men they deem sub-par. Even if that winner has already married and so they really only get 10% of him at best. And yes, that man is a winner. Men who have multiple women chasing them when so many men in the world go without are winners. Maybe not the most scrupulous ones, but nonetheless. The proof's in the pudding.

And often that winner is only too happy to play along for the fun, romance, sex, etc, etc. Everything that a new relationship brings if the old one has gotten a bit stale, or the partner turns out to be problematic, or whatever the case may be.

But, as you've seen, this strategy rarely pays off, but instead leads to problems for both parties.

So, take some time to reflect and gain insight into yourself, so you can make wiser decisions next time around...