He's closed my heart - I am not longer me

[inlove20102010]

6 year affair. Love him. Left my life partner for him. He remained married. Every hurried departure, made me turn off emotionally. I am not even the same person I use to be, I am cold and finally after every visit the pain has made me not care about him or any of the other guys chasing me. I feel free, ignored him for a week and feel okay about it but fear I will always be alone and not able to love in a healthy way. Anyone else feel that this experience has changed you?

[S2B]

Your decisions define your future.

be sure you only choose available men from here forward.

that includes doing a background check on anyone you start dating. You’ve be surprised how many say they are divorced when actually, they are not!

I hope you’ve blocked him completely from being able to contact you again. Generally, they wait long enough for you to cool down - then reach out again like nothing happened - picking right back up and laying the affections on thick to reel you back in. Securing that they once again have their own fill of wife/another woman attention. This leaves you with nearly none.

 Take steps to ensure he can’t manipulate you any further.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry that you're still not over him.  If you were this thread wouldn't exist.  We've all made bad choices that we regret but can correct our course.  If you are still struggling therapy will help you put this behind you.  Also you won't die if you don't have a man in your life.  It's okay.

[inlove20102010]

Yes, it is a form of abuse in terms of what they put us through. I'm not over him which is probablly why I posted, but totally sick of the situation and yes blocking might be best bet now. I'm not even bothered about doing it like I was before. I have now passed the line of "I've had enough" and no going back over the line again, yes I know he might reach out after a few weeks/months/years I think they always do to reel us back in.

Edited February 3, 2023 by inlove20102010

[BaileyB]

2 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

I know he might reach out after a few weeks/months/years I think they always do to reel us back in.

He can’t reel you back in without your consent.

How long has it been since you’ve ended it?  Six years is a long time to be in an unhealthy relationship. It’s obviously going to take time to recover and find your joy again. I hope you have the ability to find yourself a good counsellor.

[Luna66star]

I'm so sorry for your pain.  Been there. [ ]  We never get their "all" because they are never planning to date us.  It's all bits and pieces of attention which keep us wanting more.  But there isn't any more but rations of their time.  Eventually we start feeling we are not good enough.  In fact, we ARE good enough but not for them. We must remember this and throw them to the curb.  We can find someone who will invest their full time and attention.

Please never look back, forgive yourself for making the wrong choice in this man.

You are very worth it ... but he is NOT.

Take good care!

 

Edited February 4, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
group berating

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

 fear I will always be alone and not able to love in a healthy way. 

Actually getting him out of your life greatly increases your chances of  finding love. Delete and block this man.

[Weezy1973]

9 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

I will always be alone and not able to love in a healthy way.

Considering you weren’t living in a healthy way with this affair, perhaps being changed is for the best. Maybe it will push you towards loving in a healthy way because the unhealthy love you experienced was so painful. 

[Will am I]

23 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

6 year affair. Love him. Left my life partner for him. He remained married. Every hurried departure, made me turn off emotionally. I am not even the same person I use to be, I am cold and finally after every visit the pain has made me not care about him or any of the other guys chasing me. I feel free, ignored him for a week and feel okay about it but fear I will always be alone and not able to love in a healthy way. Anyone else feel that this experience has changed you?

It’s perfectly normal to feel insecure in these early stages of a breakup.

[stillafool]

23 hours ago, inlove20102010 said:

Yes, it is a form of abuse in terms of what they put us through. I'm not over him which is probablly why I posted, but totally sick of the situation and yes blocking might be best bet now. I'm not even bothered about doing it like I was before. I have now passed the line of "I've had enough" and no going back over the line again, yes I know he might reach out after a few weeks/months/years I think they always do to reel us back in.

I think the form of abuse is what you do to yourself when you involve yourself in an affair.  Stop blaming him for all of your pain when you're a grown woman fully aware of what you were getting into and doing.  So what if he does reach back out after a few weeks/months/years, you have the power to not know or be involved by simply blocking him.   Have you done that yet?

[basil67]

On 2/4/2023 at 4:03 AM, inlove20102010 said:

6 year affair. Love him. Left my life partner for him. He remained married. Every hurried departure, made me turn off emotionally. I am not even the same person I use to be, I am cold and finally after every visit the pain has made me not care about him or any of the other guys chasing me. I feel free, ignored him for a week and feel okay about it but fear I will always be alone and not able to love in a healthy way. Anyone else feel that this experience has changed you?

I think you're twisting the narrative of what really happened so that you can feel like a victim to him rather than be responsible for your own decisions.  Reading through your posts, I'm not even sure where the truth lies.

In April 2021 you wrote:

I was in an unhappy long-term (20 year) relationship and was not sexually active wtih my long-term partner (his choice) my relationship was ruined even before he came along. I fell in love with this new guy online over the course of 3 years. I never met him in person because I was with my long-term partner and could not do that to him. It effected my real relationhip to the point I finally ended it, as it was just not right. My long-term partner moved out and I was on my own for 3 months before I met up with this man online, as I was worried I would not like him in real life. I met him and did not feel anything much. As time went on we became closer and I would see him once every few weeks and carry on speaking every night. After 9 meet ups, my feelings were really strong and we had sex and he told me just after --- he was married but was unhappy!!! I had already fallen in love with him. I broke it off for 2 months because I could not take the fact he was still married but cannot help myself as I love him and I think he loves me but he has never said that he loves me.

So reading this, you didn't leave your relationship for him.  Rather, your relationship was already dead and you would have either stayed in the dead relationship or left it anyway.

Then, after you meet this new guy and you eventually have sex, he tells you he's married.  This is a really rotten thing for him to have done.  But instead of calling him a bunch of names and blocking him, you decided to keep meeting him.   What part of continuing to see a guy who's only recently told you that he's married seems like a good idea?  This really is on you.

Yes, I get that you were "in love".  But having feelings for someone doesn't mean that you shouldn't take responsibility for your own decisions.   After finding out he was married, you are as much to blame as he was.   And when you start to take responsibility, you will grow and start to recover.

 

[Will am I]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

Then, after you meet this new guy and you eventually have sex, he tells you he's married.  This is a really rotten thing for him to have done. 

Amen to this.

I think the MM manipulated the OW into sex. Manipulation is one little step short of force. 

[glows]

Hopefully you’ve blocked him since Friday. 

Yes, to answer your initial question, plenty of people do fear being alone. You’re not alone there and it’s okay to feel fearful of the unknown. What not to do is allow it to lock you into one place your whole life and not ever discover new experiences. 

Blocking him won’t be out of spite but to give yourself some time to recoup and reset your mind and heart. Have more confidence in yourself that you’ll get over this and watch for any negative self-talk. This means you reinforcing negative things about yourself and refusing to grow or move forwards. 

[inlove20102010]

On 2/4/2023 at 11:12 PM, basil67 said:

I think you're twisting the narrative of what really happened so that you can feel like a victim to him rather than be responsible for your own decisions.  Reading through your posts, I'm not even sure where the truth lies.

In April 2021 you wrote:

I was in an unhappy long-term (20 year) relationship and was not sexually active wtih my long-term partner (his choice) my relationship was ruined even before he came along. I fell in love with this new guy online over the course of 3 years. I never met him in person because I was with my long-term partner and could not do that to him. It effected my real relationhip to the point I finally ended it, as it was just not right. My long-term partner moved out and I was on my own for 3 months before I met up with this man online, as I was worried I would not like him in real life. I met him and did not feel anything much. As time went on we became closer and I would see him once every few weeks and carry on speaking every night. After 9 meet ups, my feelings were really strong and we had sex and he told me just after --- he was married but was unhappy!!! I had already fallen in love with him. I broke it off for 2 months because I could not take the fact he was still married but cannot help myself as I love him and I think he loves me but he has never said that he loves me.

So reading this, you didn't leave your relationship for him.  Rather, your relationship was already dead and you would have either stayed in the dead relationship or left it anyway.

Then, after you meet this new guy and you eventually have sex, he tells you he's married.  This is a really rotten thing for him to have done.  But instead of calling him a bunch of names and blocking him, you decided to keep meeting him.   What part of continuing to see a guy who's only recently told you that he's married seems like a good idea?  This really is on you.

Yes, I get that you were "in love".  But having feelings for someone doesn't mean that you shouldn't take responsibility for your own decisions.   After finding out he was married, you are as much to blame as he was.   And when you start to take responsibility, you will grow and start to recover.

 

This guy I worked with through an online freelance site, I did not expect to have an affair with him and I don't think he intended an affair either. He did not tell me he was married until after I had slept with him and I was already invested, yes, I should have finished it then but I thought I could cope with it as I loved him. I did leave my OP for him because I would not have been able to meet him while being with someone else, I am not a cheat. I  would have stayed with OP in an unhappy relationship rather than be alone to bring up our only child, there was an excuse everytime about why he could not leave (even that his gran was poorly!) so with every month I just believed him and thought he was getting divorced as he showed me law papers, he never said he loved me but said we will be together and make it work properly, these papers were obviously lies. 

I am a grown women, very trustful and I made a mistake.

I have blocked him and deleted all his contact details so no-way of ME getting hold of him. I have even gone as far as delete my freelancer account so he can't contact me via work. So that it is. I ended it for the 2nd time and the last.

I have to deal with it, but don't appreciate being told it is also my fault when you don't know all the detail. I was single so I never cheated on anyone just trusted a dishonest man to do the right thing. Not sure why I am even writing this, hopefully to prevent someone saying this to a person who is going through the pain of realizing the reality.

Edited February 6, 2023 by inlove20102010

[BaileyB]

The fatal decision here was the decision to stay with the man after he revealed that he was married. He showed his true character and you chose to ignore that. You chose to trust because you believed what you wanted to believe. 

It’s that famous quote from Maya Angelou - When people show you who they really are, believe them.

Lesson learned, married men who deceive and betray women are not to be trusted. When a man disrespects you in this way, you show him the door. When a man disrespects you in this way, you don’t stay around - because “you were already invested.”

Good on you for blocking the man. Time to look forward and leave him in your rear view mirror…  
 

Edited February 6, 2023 by BaileyB

[Weezy1973]

On 2/6/2023 at 5:29 AM, inlove20102010 said:

I have to deal with it, but don't appreciate being told it is also my fault when you don't know all the detail. 

I think accepting.responsibility for our part actually takes our power back. The title of the post is “he’s closed my heart”. You’re giving him way too much power. If you accept that you could have done things differently and take that power back you’ll likely get over this much quicker. 
 

I had a shortish relationship with someone who proved not to be who I thought at the beginning. I was also invested and ignored the flags and chose to stay when I should have left. But the difference is after I broke up, I barely focused at all on her - she was just doing whatever she was in her best attempt to be happy. And because of that I learned a lot about myself, what I was really looking for, and literally about 3 months later met and started dating my now wife. You’re the one choosing to close your heart and you have the power to open it. But you need to take responsibility for your part in this.

[stillafool]

On 2/6/2023 at 8:29 AM, inlove20102010 said:

I have to deal with it, but don't appreciate being told it is also my fault when you don't know all the detail. I was single so I never cheated on anyone just trusted a dishonest man to do the right thing. Not sure why I am even writing this, hopefully to prevent someone saying this to a person who is going through the pain of realizing the reality.

You're right we don't know all the details but are only responding to what YOU have written.  The response to you was clear that you didn't leave you husband for the affair partner.  However you did carry on an emotional affair with him for 3 years. 

[JTSW]

You left your long term partner months before you got together with this guy.

Yeah he was a total a**h*** to have sex with you before telling you he was married.

But that was his way of telling you not expect a proper relationship with him.

He never told you he loved you because he doesn't.

He's a typical married man trying to have his cake and eat it too.

He knew what to say and do to keep you invested.

I'm glad that it's all over with so you can move on and be free.