Sugarly Posted February 3, 2023 Posted February 3, 2023 If you asked the woman or man, you had been hooking up with for months if you could come over and they said this "Hey man, I've been really busy, and I have a lot on my plate right now. But I'll let you know when it's good to come over." Would you block them? The last time I saw him I went over to his house without telling him I was coming. (Yes, I know I shouldn't have done that) but he wasn't replying to my messages and wouldn't answer when I was calling him because I had said something mean to him via text. I wanted to apologize to him in person, so I went over there. When I got there, I walked in on him and his friend talking. I apologized for walking in on them. And he said it was ok and he kissed me after the person left and we fooled around a little bit, so I figured everything was fine. So then when I asked him if I could come over, that's when he told me he was busy and that he would let me know when it was good for me to come over. I am thinking about just blocking him because he could just be honest and tell me that he doesn't want to see me again. I know we aren't in a relationship, and he's not obligated to see me. But I just don't like the indirectness like if he doesn't want to see me anymore why doesn't he just say that? There is another guy that I have been talking to who's been asking to meet up with me for a while now. But he wants to be in a relationship, and I don't want to be in one.
stillafool Posted February 3, 2023 Posted February 3, 2023 (edited) The point of a hook up is you get together when both people are ready for sex. If he wasn't ready you had no right to go to his house and walk in on him. [ ] Edited February 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator civility 2
Author Sugarly Posted February 3, 2023 Author Posted February 3, 2023 (edited) 1 hour ago, stillafool said: The point of a hook up is you get together when both people are ready for sex. If he wasn't ready you had no right to go to his house and walk in on him. [ ] That wasn't the reason why I went to his I went to apologize to him in person for going off on him via text. [ ] Edited February 3, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator response to removed content
ExpatInItaly Posted February 3, 2023 Posted February 3, 2023 If blocking is what you need to do to resist the urge to chase him again, then yes, block him. Otherwise, he hasn't done anything wrong. He said he would let you know when is a good time to hook up, and if you two are casual and not committed, I don't see what the problem is with that. It sounds like you are wanting a lot more than he is offering, so it's probably best to just put him behind you anyway. 4
Alpacalia Posted February 3, 2023 Posted February 3, 2023 Yosemite Sam. That's definitely not the way to go about things! Your anger is because you weren't the first on his Midnight Meeting speed dial list. Reign in on the stalking behavior and focus on the bigger picture. 1 hour ago, Sugarly said: So then when I asked him if I could come over, that's when he told me he was busy and that he would let me know when it was good for me to come over. I am thinking about just blocking him because he could just be honest and tell me that he doesn't want to see me again. That's totally up to you. If you feel like he's not being honest with you, then it might be best to just move on and find someone else who will be more open and honest with you. Blocking him could be a good way to do that.
La.Primavera Posted February 3, 2023 Posted February 3, 2023 If a man told me he was too busy to see me, I would respect his wishes. It wouldn't matter if he was a friend, family member, partner, or anything else. I feel everyone has the right to say no and have their need for space respected. Would I continue to message them or call after the fact, no, but I wouldn't block them either. I think your situation is a bit different. I think blocking him might be a sensible thing to do, but not for the reason you may think. Without being in your shoes, it is hard to know how this situation felt for you. If other men are pursuing you all the time, perhaps it makes it harder to understand why this one man is less invested in you? Rejection can sting, but it is important to know how to manage those feelings calmly and not lash out. I'm not an expert on attachment styles, but that might be something worth researching if you are curious to know why you have such extreme reactions to certain situations. Do you think saying something mean, blowing up his phone, and then showing up at his house like that was a bit much or is that normal if you don't get the response you want? Can you understand why he might be hesitant to tell you directly that he doesn't want to deal with this sort of drama or demands? If he doesn't want to reply, why must he be forced to engage? Flip the scenario and imagine how you might react to someone refusing to accept the word no or respect your boundaries. How do you deal with a person who behaves like that? It's uncomfortable and stressful. For that reason, I think you should block his number and let this go. It isn't healthy and it will only bring out the worst in you. I would personally use the experience as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow as a person. 1
Author Sugarly Posted February 3, 2023 Author Posted February 3, 2023 18 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Yosemite Sam. That's definitely not the way to go about things! Your anger is because you weren't the first on his Midnight Meeting speed dial list. Reign in on the stalking behavior and focus on the bigger picture. That's totally up to you. If you feel like he's not being honest with you, then it might be best to just move on and find someone else who will be more open and honest with you. Blocking him could be a good way to do that. Because I wasn't the first on his Midnight Meeting speed dial list? That's really funny but no.
Author Sugarly Posted February 3, 2023 Author Posted February 3, 2023 16 minutes ago, La.Primavera said: If a man told me he was too busy to see me, I would respect his wishes. It wouldn't matter if he was a friend, family member, partner, or anything else. I feel everyone has the right to say no and have their need for space respected. Would I continue to message them or call after the fact, no, but I wouldn't block them either. I think your situation is a bit different. I think blocking him might be a sensible thing to do, but not for the reason you may think. Without being in your shoes, it is hard to know how this situation felt for you. If other men are pursuing you all the time, perhaps it makes it harder to understand why this one man is less invested in you? Rejection can sting, but it is important to know how to manage those feelings calmly and not lash out. I'm not an expert on attachment styles, but that might be something worth researching if you are curious to know why you have such extreme reactions to certain situations. Do you think saying something mean, blowing up his phone, and then showing up at his house like that was a bit much or is that normal if you don't get the response you want? Can you understand why he might be hesitant to tell you directly that he doesn't want to deal with this sort of drama or demands? If he doesn't want to reply, why must he be forced to engage? Flip the scenario and imagine how you might react to someone refusing to accept the word no or respect your boundaries. How do you deal with a person who behaves like that? It's uncomfortable and stressful. For that reason, I think you should block his number and let this go. It isn't healthy and it will only bring out the worst in you. I would personally use the experience as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and grow as a person. Yes, I'll admit that it was a lot, but it doesn't make sense that he would lie and tell me he would let me know when I could come see him If he didn't want to see me again.
Author Sugarly Posted February 3, 2023 Author Posted February 3, 2023 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: If blocking is what you need to do to resist the urge to chase him again, then yes, block him. Otherwise, he hasn't done anything wrong. He said he would let you know when is a good time to hook up, and if you two are casual and not committed, I don't see what the problem is with that. It sounds like you are wanting a lot more than he is offering, so it's probably best to just put him behind you anyway. Yes, you are right I should just listen to him when he said he'll let me know when it's good for me to come over instead of thinking too much about it. 1
Alpacalia Posted February 3, 2023 Posted February 3, 2023 4 minutes ago, Sugarly said: Because I wasn't the first on his Midnight Meeting speed dial list? That's really funny but no. Are you sure? Blocking someone over a single message saying they cannot see you one night of casualness isn't extreme to you? How about driving over uninvited to their house and asking for answers? If the response is not an explicit "no" and there is still some level of communication, some people might choose to wait for a clearer response before taking any action. However, if you felt uncomfortable or disrespected by his response, it is within your right to decide to block the person. Ultimately, the decision of whether to block someone is a personal one that should be based on what feels right for the individual and what will support their well-being. What is not appropriate is to show up unannounced at someone's home, especially if they have not been responding to your messages or calls. This can be seen as a violation of their privacy and personal boundaries. The fact that he kissed you and engaged in physical activity does not necessarily mean that everything is "fine" between you. It's okay to take your time and focus on yourself, or to pursue non-romantic relationships if that feels right for you. This could include distancing yourself from the person or, as you mentioned, blocking them.
Wiseman2 Posted February 3, 2023 Posted February 3, 2023 3 hours ago, Sugarly said: There is another guy that I have been talking to who's been asking to meet up with me for a while now. But he wants to be in a relationship, and I don't want to be in one. Date the other man. This man isn't that interested in anything but booty call at his convenience. You don't have to jump in a relationship with the interested man but perhaps you could have a more satisfying FWB type relationship. The man in your question is simply not that interested.
NuevoYorko Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 5 hours ago, Sugarly said: I know we aren't in a relationship, and he's not obligated to see me. But I just don't like the indirectness like if he doesn't want to see me anymore why doesn't he just say that? ??? There is nothing indirect about what he said: "Hey man, I've been really busy, and I have a lot on my plate right now. But I'll let you know when it's good to come over." It's very direct. You got the message, right? HE will call the shots about you coming over. As someone else said, you're clearly not a first choice, but he might call some time. If this isn't suitable for you, go ahead and block him, though you also could simply not see him anymore. Better yet, stop pretending to be good with "hookups." You are obviously not cut out for it. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 Yes, his words were quite direction: he does NOT want to see you now. Or more literal, he does not view seeing you as a priority over all the other things he has going right now. He doesn't despise you and he's open to possibly seeing you at some later point. But right now, he wants a break. Blocking him is just like on the wrong railroad track of thinking. If your ego feels blocking him is important, than you can do that. But you guys have a casual relationship. Casual means no commitment, means either party can and will change their minds at the drop of a hat or the turn of the wind. You're reacting as if this is a committed relationship where you two owe each other something. No you don't. What's more, in casual relationships you don't owe the other person any explanation for not wanting to see them or for wanting to see them suddenly. None. Relax and move on to a different focus. 1
BaileyB Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 (edited) Take the hint, he’s not really interested. He will call you if/when it’s convenient for him - Personally, I wouldn’t answer his call. Edited February 4, 2023 by BaileyB
Author Sugarly Posted February 4, 2023 Author Posted February 4, 2023 2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: ??? There is nothing indirect about what he said: "Hey man, I've been really busy, and I have a lot on my plate right now. But I'll let you know when it's good to come over." It's very direct. You got the message, right? HE will call the shots about you coming over. As someone else said, you're clearly not a first choice, but he might call some time. If this isn't suitable for you, go ahead and block him, though you also could simply not see him anymore. Better yet, stop pretending to be good with "hookups." You are obviously not cut out for it. I'm clearly not the first choice because he said he'll let me know when it's good for me to come over? I don't see how that automatically indicates I am not the first choice. When he and I first started talking he told me he doesn't have multiple sex partners at once.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 Whether you're his 1st choice or 5th choice, it's pretty clear you are a lot more interested than he is. I don't think it's worth it to hang around and hope that he wants to see you again.
NuevoYorko Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 2 hours ago, Sugarly said: I'm clearly not the first choice because he said he'll let me know when it's good for me to come over? Ok. You're not a first choice / priority for him when it comes to how he wants to spend his time. That's the way hooking up works. You don't seem to get that. 1
basil67 Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 2 hours ago, Sugarly said: I'm clearly not the first choice because he said he'll let me know when it's good for me to come over? I don't see how that automatically indicates I am not the first choice. When he and I first started talking he told me he doesn't have multiple sex partners at once. Why is it important to be first choice hookup?
Alpacalia Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 Relationships of this kind are supposed to be fun and carefree. You will have a tough time finding a man who is interested in a casual relationship ongoing with this level of drama. Basically, he's all about total chill vibes. He won't give his energy to anything he isn't comfortable with. It is for sure that the other person cannot impose anything on them, nor can they make any emotional overtures to them. If everyone is cool about it, then it can still be a 'no drama' relationship. I mean, unless you are in a "real" relationship, right? The idea of hookups, one-night stands, or a part-time lover who comes into town twice a month for work is something you need to be okay with. We all deserve fulfilling and fun sex whenever we can. Keep pushing him to have sex, and he'll probably stop sleeping with you. You aren't entitled to sex and the fact that you are getting worked up about not having sex with him on a whim could make him think that you are developing feelings for him. My advice is to start dating and find other men to sleep with. If you really are unbothered about being "first" or if you have no feelings for this guy, I don't see why you can't just find someone else that's more interested in a bed buddy situation than a romantic situation.
Wiseman2 Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 10 hours ago, Sugarly said: I don't see how that automatically indicates I am not the first choice. The main thing is you're not happy with the arrangement. Other men seem interested so don't waste your time chasing uninterested men. 1
glows Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 It’s probably best to let this one cool off and see others. He’s being direct and honest with you. You’re acting clingy. He is interested but it’s about sex. Don’t show up whenever you want or assume he always wants to meet you. You pushed a boundary and it likely wasn’t ok when you showed up like that last time. He might not have wanted to make a scene but that was inappropriate. Be busy and meet him when you are free also. No need to feel offended by what he said.
stillafool Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 8 hours ago, basil67 said: Why is it important to be first choice hookup? I imagine being first choice means you're the one he considers the best at sex. Is that true OP? 1
smackie9 Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 (edited) You over stepped your boundaries, and it rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't say anything because he feared some serious drama, so he kept his kool. Lots of people have seen Fatal Attraction...and it scared the bejeesus out of them. He's going the passive route with using "I'm really busy" excuse in hopes you will give up and go away. Block/delete him. Edited February 4, 2023 by smackie9
basil67 Posted February 4, 2023 Posted February 4, 2023 8 hours ago, stillafool said: I imagine being first choice means you're the one he considers the best at sex. Is that true OP? Or is it that you secretly want him to care about you? Or that you want to feel like you're special in some way?
Calmandfocused Posted February 5, 2023 Posted February 5, 2023 (edited) The only thing you should be offended about is the fact this guy addresses you as “Hey man”. Next time he asks you to come over for sex respond with “on my way sister” Edited February 5, 2023 by Calmandfocused 3
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