If someone you were hooking up with said this to you would you block them?

[Alpacalia]

In any case, OP, you need to let this go.

Your best course of action would be to stop seeing this man. Even if he does call you back.

As you learn the hard way, these types of arrangements are neither healthy nor conducive to your wellbeing.

You are in a state of turmoil over it.

Time to step back and get your priorities in order.

[princessaurora]

There are different types of fwb relationships. With mine, we hooked up every weekend, went to dinner and did other activiites together. We also talked on the phone for hours several nights a week. The sex was often intimate and sensual. But it was just sex. We were total opposites and never would have worked as a couple.  When we decided to end it, there was no mourning period we had to go through. It had basically run its course and we moved on without crying or second guessing our decision. 

 You are already so emotionally wound up over this,  I fear you will not be able to handle an fwb/fb arrangement without catching feels, and sometimes it's the sex we're in love with and not the person, but some people cannot deciper between the two. That's ok. MY bff is the same way. She develops an emotional bond with nearly every guy she sleeps with and she has slept with alot. But that's what sex does to her and many other women.  

 It's best to walk away and save yourself the heart break. Not everyone is cut out for just hooking up. 

[Sugarly]

2 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

You have boundary issues and he's experienced your behavior when you broach boundaries.  So, he's going to be strict about HIS boundaries.  

I expect that you might not be having hookups with this guy going forward.  He may be keeping his options open, since you're obviously into it.  Or, maybe he just wants to fade away because he is wary of more "mean texts" or surprise visits from you.  He owes you NOTHING, even though you seem to want and expect an explanation.

 People can get attached to others who they don't even know at all.  "Love at first sight" etc.   Sex is very bonding for many.  Women are more prone to getting feelings after having sex than men, in general.  

 

Not true at all.  It's supposed to be FUN.  That can encompass different things depending on the individuals.

As I said before, people who seek that type of arrangement are actively looking for actual no strings attached sex.  You come with a lot of strings and drama.  

So instead of him saying I'll you know when it's good to come over why didn't he just say he's no longer interested in hooking up? He had no problem telling me he didn't want to be in a relationship after having sex with me. 

[Sugarly]

On 2/4/2023 at 3:05 PM, smackie9 said:

You over stepped your boundaries, and it rubbed him the wrong way. He didn't say anything because he feared some serious drama, so he kept his kool. Lots of people have seen Fatal Attraction...and it scared the bejeesus out of them. He's going the passive route with using "I'm really busy" excuse in hopes you will give up and go away. Block/delete him.

He feared serious drama. So, is that why he kept telling me I couldn't just leave him hanging? Meaning couldn't just leave without fooling around? He's hoping I give up and go away? By telling me he'll let me know when it's good for me to come over. I wouldn't be telling a person this if I wanted them to go away.....

[Sugarly]

47 minutes ago, princessaurora said:

There are different types of fwb relationships. With mine, we hooked up every weekend, went to dinner and did other activiites together. We also talked on the phone for hours several nights a week. The sex was often intimate and sensual. But it was just sex. We were total opposites and never would have worked as a couple.  When we decided to end it, there was no mourning period we had to go through. It had basically run its course and we moved on without crying or second guessing our decision. 

 You are already so emotionally wound up over this,  I fear you will not be able to handle an fwb/fb arrangement without catching feels, and sometimes it's the sex we're in love with and not the person, but some people cannot deciper between the two. That's ok. MY bff is the same way. She develops an emotional bond with nearly every guy she sleeps with and she has slept with alot. But that's what sex does to her and many other women.  

 It's best to walk away and save yourself the heart break. Not everyone is cut out for just hooking up. 

The issue is that he didn't just come out and say that he's no longer interested in having sex with me. There are men who want to date me and would like to be in a relationship with me so yes, I could go and find someone else yeah sure. But then the thing that usually happens is that the previous guy comes back and then I'm stuck in a situation. Where I have to pick between two different men and I'm tired of it. So, if it's over between us then I'd like for him to be direct about it. So, I don't have to worry about whether or not he'll come back after I've moved on to someone else. 

[Wiseman2]

8 minutes ago, Sugarly said:

 telling me he'll let me know when it's good for me to come over. 

Even if it's just hooking up or FWB or other casual sex arrangements, it's important to be respected. Unfortunately he treated you poorly and that's more of an issue than whatever the arrangement was. So to answer your question.... Yes, delete and block him.

[Sugarly]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Are you still seeing him? Where would you like to see this going? Have you considered dating other men who seem more interested in you? If he's becoming a headache, this is easy to walk away from.

I have considered dating other men and I was actually going to go out with one. But he wants a relationship, and I told him I didn't want one. So, then he said he was ok with just doing a casual dinner. After months of saying he didn't do casual. So, see this is another problem, right?  He really wants a relationship but then all of a sudden changed his mind because I told him I didn't want a relationship. He even asked me why I didn't want to be in a relationship. And that made me feel like he would just try to pressure me into being in a relationship. Like it's always something regardless of what I do.

Edited February 7, 2023 by Sugarly

[Sugarly]

Before all this we kind of had a routine going on where he would reach out to me every two weeks. Asking if I was available and if I would come over that's what works for me. 

Edited February 7, 2023 by Sugarly

[smackie9]

36 minutes ago, Sugarly said:

He feared serious drama. So, is that why he kept telling me I couldn't just leave him hanging? Meaning couldn't just leave without fooling around? He's hoping I give up and go away? By telling me he'll let me know when it's good for me to come over. I wouldn't be telling a person this if I wanted them to go away.....

Yes people do say %$#@ that. He's simply telling you what you want to hear to avoid confrontation. 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Sugarly said:

I know as friends with benefits that you aren't supposed to be kissing and cuddling or bathing together.

Says who?

I sometimes did those things in the days when I had a couple FWBs. It meant nothing more to me, emotionally-speaking. There is no rule-book for this sort of arrangement. 

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Sugarly said:

I have considered dating other men and I was actually going to go out with one. But he wants a relationship, and I told him I didn't want one. So, then he said he was ok with just doing a casual dinner. After months of saying he didn't do casual. So, see this is another problem, right?  He really wants a relationship but then all of a sudden changed his mind because I told him I didn't want a relationship. He even asked me why I didn't want to be in a relationship. And that made me feel like he would just try to pressure me into being in a relationship. Like it's always something regardless of what I do.

OK, so this guy you were hooking up with was so keen on you that he lowered himself to being casual instead of a relationship.   Then he finds that this doesn't work for him and, had gotten frustrated with the whole situation and has now moved on.  

Honestly, you should know that if you only offer casual when you know a guy wants a relationship, it will end in hurt and tears.   If someone cares about you, show them the respect of either being in a relationship or moving on and allowing them to do the same.   

Anyway, if you're worried he will come back - then yes, block him.  But stop messing with men's hearts.  It's a selfish thing to do

Edited February 7, 2023 by basil67

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Sugarly said:

So instead of him saying I'll you know when it's good to come over why didn't he just say he's no longer interested in hooking up? He had no problem telling me he didn't want to be in a relationship after having sex with me. 

Per your original post,  you already evidently responded with a lot of unpleasant drama (barrage of messages, a mean text, a surprise visit)  when he did or said something that you didn't like:

"The last time I saw him I went over to his house without telling him I was coming. (Yes, I know I shouldn't have done that) but he wasn't replying to my messages and wouldn't answer when I was calling him because I had said something mean to him via text"

And from your later posts you're giving the picture that you've been jerking him around massively in general.  He's wise to really limit contact under the circumstances.  Fading quietly into the sunset would be my chosen response to this whole scene.   And who knows - he might want to keep his options open in case he does feel like having sex with you again.  So far he hasn't cut you off.  

 

Edited February 7, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Sugarly said:

Before all this we kind of had a routine going on where he would reach out to me every two weeks. Asking if I was available and if I would come over that's what works for me. 

If this is the case why did you go to his house to chase him down instead of waiting for him to reach out to you to tell you when you could see him?

[Alpacalia]

There is a lesson to be learned here. No male genitilia is worth this much hassle.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, Sugarly said:

Before all this we kind of had a routine 

Unfortunately things changed after this and he's not that interested any longer.

All you can do is delete and block him and move forward to meet men who want what you want.

[Sugarly]

19 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

Per your original post,  you already evidently responded with a lot of unpleasant drama (barrage of messages, a mean text, a surprise visit)  when he did or said something that you didn't like:

"The last time I saw him I went over to his house without telling him I was coming. (Yes, I know I shouldn't have done that) but he wasn't replying to my messages and wouldn't answer when I was calling him because I had said something mean to him via text"

And from your later posts you're giving the picture that you've been jerking him around massively in general.  He's wise to really limit contact under the circumstances.  Fading quietly into the sunset would be my chosen response to this whole scene.   And who knows - he might want to keep his options open in case he does feel like having sex with you again.  So far he hasn't cut you off.  

 

Everything has not always been bad between us when things are good it's fine. I would help him clean up and wash dishes for him because I knew he was tired from work. We cooked together etc. things have not always been bad. 

[NuevoYorko]

55 minutes ago, Sugarly said:

Everything has not always been bad between us when things are good it's fine. I would help him clean up and wash dishes for him because I knew he was tired from work. We cooked together etc. things have not always been bad. 

That's good; it's nice to have pleasant memories.  Going forward, when things become generally negative, it's really time to cut your losses and move on.  Especially when the whole point of the connection is to have stress-free fun.  

[basil67]

On 2/4/2023 at 6:23 AM, Sugarly said:

but he wasn't replying to my messages and wouldn't answer when I was calling him because I had said something mean to him via text.

I missed this first time around. 

You knew that he was ignoring you because of how you treated him.  So I don't know why you think you deserved a nice farewell.  The simplicity of cause and effect should have been all you needed to know in terms of explanation.   

If we are mean to a person and they never want to speak to us again, that is their prerogative.   While it's nice to have an opportunity to apologise, we aren't actually owed that opportunity.  And if you'd ever been mean to him before and apologised and he forgave you, he's certainly within his rights to instantly write you off the next time it happened.

Our actions have consequences

[stillafool]

2 hours ago, Sugarly said:

Everything has not always been bad between us when things are good it's fine. I would help him clean up and wash dishes for him because I knew he was tired from work. We cooked together etc. things have not always been bad. 

Did he also wash your dishes, clean up and cook when at your place?

[birdie_b]

On 2/7/2023 at 7:53 AM, Sugarly said:

I like having this arrangement with him because it's convenient for me. I said I was going to block him because I don't understand why he just didn't say he didn't want to hook up anymore. Instead of saying he's busy that's why I said I wanted to block him not being I can't stop reaching out. 

I don’t understand why this leads to blocking him.  Even if he doesn’t wanna hookup rn, for the next three months, or ever.  I almost never block unless it’s necessary for my mental health, I mighta done it twice.  Is that why you wanna block him?  If he was just a fwb’s who was busy with stuff, I’d probably be happy to hear from him in six months or whenever as long as I wasn’t in a relationship myself at that point. 

Or is it that you really want to make sure he can’t contact you?  Because???

(OP, I must admit that the whole idea of blocking people so freely feels yucky to me and that’s my hang up.  A whole lotta people do it for the smallest thing and maybe that’s fine.  It feels sad to me bc I kinda feel like a person is basically dead to me if I’ve blocked them.  I will tell you tho, that I’ve had a lotta fun fwb’s come back after months or years of breaks.)

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, birdie_b said:

I don’t understand why this leads to blocking him.  Even if he doesn’t wanna hookup rn, for the next three months, or ever.  I almost never block unless it’s necessary for my mental health, I mighta done it twice.  Is that why you wanna block him?  If he was just a fwb’s who was busy with stuff, I’d probably be happy to hear from him in six months or whenever as long as I wasn’t in a relationship myself at that point. 

Or is it that you really want to make sure he can’t contact you?  Because???

(OP, I must admit that the whole idea of blocking people so freely feels yucky to me and that’s my hang up.  A whole lotta people do it for the smallest thing and maybe that’s fine.  It feels sad to me bc I kinda feel like a person is basically dead to me if I’ve blocked them.  I will tell you tho, that I’ve had a lotta fun fwb’s come back after months or years of breaks.)

I share your sentiment.

I regard blocking as a last resort when people won't heed reason.

It’s more often volatile and reactionary which is what happened here @Sugarly

Once I did it when I was upset about something someone said. 

Like, “Oh, I’m so angry, let me get this last word in… there!”

It was stupid of me, and neither of us felt better after it. No conflict was resolved by it.

Whether you do the blocking or this man blocks you, there can be no resolution at that point. Maybe that's what is needed here?

Blocking him because he had you waiting starts a fire when there was nothing there to begin with--except for angry feelings.

Don't block someone you enjoy spending time with. He seems to have hurt your feelings. Try to figure out what upset you. Do you know what's actually good for you? Figuring your own (bleep) first. I mean, of course, I'm not an expert, so what am I supposed to know? I'm just a random stranger posting on an internet forum with my own problems.

Edited February 9, 2023 by Alpacalia

[JTSW]

On 2/7/2023 at 7:34 PM, Sugarly said:

The issue is that he didn't just come out and say that he's no longer interested in having sex with me. 

So how do you know that he is no longer interested in hooking up?

Are you just assuming?

From everything I have read here it's clear you care more about him than just a hook-up.

You're in a bit deeper than you are willing to admit.

You have nothing to be angry about here because he is not your bf and he never lied to you.

You are just assuming he lied.

He just said that he was busy and tired and would let you know when he is free.

But you took that to mean something completely different and assumed the worst.

You have been rather defensive and snappy with others here who are just trying to help you understand.

 

[NuevoYorko]

Regarding blocking:  I think it's usually advised right off the bat when a person has a hangup about somebody.   They're fretting about what every sighting on social media means, obsessively waiting for the text or call,  low-key (or not so low-key) stalking, and they can't get a handle on themselves.  It helps for the recovery process for the person to simply be absent, as completely as possible.   

For some people in some circumstances I think it's absolutely the only way to move on.  This would be one of them.