Asked a coworker out but don't understand his actions.

[ElleOli]

Hi guys, I’m looking for some opinions on this situation…

I’ve had a crush on a coworker for months and it started to seem like he was interested too a couple of months ago. After the Christmas holidays, it became a little more obvious, since he paid me a compliment and made an effort to make conversation quite often.

So after making sure he wasn’t seeing anyone, I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to go for coffee at the weekend (at work he’d told me he had no plans). He thanked me for the invite but said his friend had got onto him just after work and she was coming from another part of the country to stay for the weekend. So I thought he wasn’t interested in me at first.

But ever since then, he smiles a lot at me and on Wednesday (our first interaction since asking him out) he asked me if I had plans for the evening. I had to say I had a class but it left me wondering if he was going to ask me out then, because he’d never asked me that question on a weekday. The next day he stopped me in the corridor to ask me about the class and again, he showed a lot of interest and was very smiley.

I believe that if he had no interest whatsoever in dating me, he would be keeping his distance from me after that message, at least at first. But he’s a very mysterious person so I don’t know what to think. Any thoughts? Should I ask him out again in a more direct way if he doesn’t make a move?

Thanks!

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, ElleOli said:

 she was coming from another part of the country to stay for the weekend. 

You could wait and see if he asks you out. Don't ask him twice because he hasn't asked you once. 

Keep in mind that some people don't want romantic involvement at work. So be friendly, professional and if he does ask you out that's great.

[Johnjohnson2017]

"So after making sure he wasn’t seeing anyone, I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to go for coffee at the weekend (at work he’d told me he had no plans). He thanked me for the invite but said his friend had got onto him just after work and she was coming from another part of the country to stay for the weekend. So I thought he wasn’t interested in me at first"

 

From the above, it seems to me he is seeing someone. She is coming from far away and spending the weekend. That sounds somewhat serious. I could be wrong. 

Another possible reason why he hasn't asked you out: he doesn't know if you're single. Maybe he thinks you asked him to coffee as a friend.

It's his turn to ask you out for coffee. Unless he is trying to stay away from office romance

[ElleOli]

2 minutes ago, Johnjohnson2017 said:

"So after making sure he wasn’t seeing anyone, I sent him a message asking him if he wanted to go for coffee at the weekend (at work he’d told me he had no plans). He thanked me for the invite but said his friend had got onto him just after work and she was coming from another part of the country to stay for the weekend. So I thought he wasn’t interested in me at first"

 

From the above, it seems to me he is seeing someone. She is coming from far away and spending the weekend. That sounds somewhat serious. I could be wrong. 

Another possible reason why he hasn't asked you out: he doesn't know if you're single. Maybe he thinks you asked him to coffee as a friend.

It's his turn to ask you out for coffee. Unless he is trying to stay away from office romance

I know he had a girlfriend last summer, but they broke up. I've seen him on dating apps recently and another colleague confirmed that he's single.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, ElleOli said:

I believe that if he had no interest whatsoever in dating me, he would be keeping his distance from me after that message, at least at first. But he’s a very mysterious person so I don’t know what to think. Any thoughts? Should I ask him out again in a more direct way if he doesn’t make a move?

Asking him to go for coffee on the weekend is very direct.   I think that if he wants to go out with you he's likely to ask.  But if you're sort of thrilled by a chase, go ahead and ask him.  

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, ElleOli said:

. I've seen him on dating apps recently and another colleague confirmed that he's single.

Has he reached out on the dating app? Whether he has a GF or not is not as important as 1. he declined your invitation. 2. hasn't asked you out again. And 3. He can see you on the dating app and hasn't contacted you. Step back and date others. For whatever reason he doesn't seem keen on dating coworkers.

[ElleOli]

35 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Has he reached out on the dating app? Whether he has a GF or not is not as important as 1. he declined your invitation. 2. hasn't asked you out again. And 3. He can see you on the dating app and hasn't contacted you. Step back and date others. For whatever reason he doesn't seem keen on dating coworkers.

Well, I didn't reach out on the dating app for various reasons, so I can't know if he tried to either.

[Alpacalia]

First of all, be proud of yourself for taking the initiative in making the move to ask him out on a date. A lot of women are afraid to do this and spend a lot of time trying to figure out whether a guy is interested in them.

It's so hard today to tell whether someone really likes you or if they are just playing a cat and mouse game with you.

In the next few weeks, if he is genuinely interested and busy enough, he would suggest an alternate date to meet with you. His lack of invitations in recent months has a reason. Maybe he just got out of a long-term relationship and isn't ready to date, maybe he doesn't want to mix business with pleasure, or he is in a relationship and enjoys this flirtatious rapport?

Whatever the reason, he doesn't give you enough encouragement to pursue this. When you see him, be polite and continue to smile, but I recommend not continuing your usual banter.

[glows]

He sounds friendly, nothing else. He may be flattered but doesn’t want to date you. I’d be friendly too and lose interest. Don’t ask him out again - why would you want to date someone so passive and can’t be moved to reciprocate interest in such a simple way? 

 

[ElleOli]

1 hour ago, Alpacalia said:

First of all, be proud of yourself for taking the initiative in making the move to ask him out on a date. A lot of women are afraid to do this and spend a lot of time trying to figure out whether a guy is interested in them.

It's so hard today to tell whether someone really likes you or if they are just playing a cat and mouse game with you.

In the next few weeks, if he is genuinely interested and busy enough, he would suggest an alternate date to meet with you. His lack of invitations in recent months has a reason. Maybe he just got out of a long-term relationship and isn't ready to date, maybe he doesn't want to mix business with pleasure, or he is in a relationship and enjoys this flirtatious rapport?

Whatever the reason, he doesn't give you enough encouragement to pursue this. When you see him, be polite and continue to smile, but I recommend not continuing your usual banter.

Thanks for the advice, it’s very helpful.

He is very hard to read, that’s why I feel confused. I think he got out of a relationship last summer and then he started showing more interest in me but I also sensed something was off (I suppose he needed time to process). It was in the last three weeks that he’s been engaging with me more and asking questions about me more actively. I have been friendly and polite to him but nothing else and he’s the one who’s been approaching me, starting conversations and paying me compliments lately. And I have to say I’m not very good at being flirtatious because I’m quite shy, so perhaps he’s unsure about my intentions too?

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, ElleOli said:

so perhaps he’s unsure about my intentions too?

Dating shows you who he is by how he dates you. He knows your intentions. You asked him for coffee. He declined.

It's good to go into every brand-new situation with an open heart and a blank, clean slate. Having said that, it’s also necessary not to let your heart fully go until you know that he is truly and genuinely interested in you as well.

The second that you start doubting yourself is the second you need to stop talking to him.

[NuevoYorko]

This is one of the many posts where the poster (usually a woman, for what that's worth) has a crush and is trying to decode "signs" to know whether there is relationship potential.

I'd like to suggest that you try to stop doing this.  It can drive you crazy.

The main problem with this is that you really do not know the person AT ALL and there is usually serious projection going on.   The fact is, lots of people are flirty, nice, smile, might find another person attractive and get flustered.  Some of them are just acting as their true personality dictates - they very well might behave exactly the same way with the barista who made their latte that morning or their elderly neighbor.   Others might be playing "cat and mouse" games or whatever.   YOU CAN'T KNOW. Because you do not know that individual. 

What you did was great.  The #1 most important part is that YOU ARE INTERESTED IN HIM and you took action on that.  He interacts with you with enough engagement that you had a reasonable idea he might be interested in going out, and you asked him out.  That was a good move, regardless of outcome.  It's GOOD for you to try for what YOU want in your life.  

That said, you won't be getting sufficient signs/ signals from someone you don't know personally to discern whether he is truly pining to date you or he's just behaving a certain kind of way due to whatever reasons he may have, including "that's his personality."  

So, backing up:  YOU like HIM and had enough info to feel confident that it was not just out of left field to ask him out.   GOOD MOVE.  

As far as what he thinks about you, whether he has a girlfriend, etc:  that is not for you to know unless he comes to you with it, for the most part.  

So you just have to keep it simple.  The "proof" of a guy's interest in you and also availability is going to be when he makes moves to spend time with you.   That includes accepting when you ask him out.  

I don't think you'd be "wrong" to ask him again, but I also think you have a fragile ego and it might hurt your feelings if he declines.  So be OK with whatever outcome and accept it.  

 

Edited February 4, 2023 by NuevoYorko

[Alvi]

He knows that you are interested in him. He knows where to find you. He is going to ask you out, if he is interested that is. Maybe he is interested but don't want to date a co-worker. Maybe he is not single. You never know. 

I suggest that you focus on other men, hobbies, friends and activities that you enjoy. What I am saying is that you should keep busy and go on with your life. If he asks you out at some point, great! If not, then not.

[Lotsgoingon]

You can relax on this--if you guys have real interest in each other, you don't have to calculate this so precisely. It'll happen. 

When he asked you if you were free that night, did you tell him, "No but ... I am free tomorrow night ... or the next night"? That was your chance to advance things a bit. He's doing the scared thing of just asking if you're busy. He really should go the next step and say, "because I was thinking about catching dinner and wanted to see if you were available tonight."

There was another move you could make--basically lose the fear of showing interest! Lose it! Lose it! When he asked you if you were available that night, you could have also said, "no but did you have something in mind?" Just opens the door a bit--but he has to step in. 

Look, coworkers go out all the time as friends or feeling each other out as possible friends, so there is no reason to be as scared and reticent as you are (same for him). People go out and talk work. The go out with coworkers because it's understood that the coworker is part of a new network. 

Coworkers attracted to each other go out all the time---and don't necessarily advance things past friendship. That's OK. So you're not losing anything by being more aggressive. 

I say only ask him out if you can do that, get a bad answer from him, and still know that you will feel good about yourself and not feel the need to avoid him the next day and so on. Otherwise, just take one of the small steps I suggest. People all the time say "no" to someone and then say, "But I'm around this weekend if you want to do something?" Notice how even that line doesn't sound at all desperate. 

Good luck. Oh, there is no rush on this. None. 

 

 

[salparadise]

6 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

When he asked you if you were free that night, did you tell him, "No but ... I am free tomorrow night ... or the next night"? That was your chance to advance things a bit. He's doing the scared thing of just asking if you're busy. He really should go the next step and say, "because I was thinking about catching dinner and wanted to see if you were available tonight."

^This. Believe it or not, guys can get anxious when trying to ask someone out... and the more they like you the more anxious they become. It's apparent that you two are just dancing around each other, both afraid to call the tune. Yes, you should've said more than just that you weren't available because you had class. He was stepping up at that point and got squished. I think it's up to you to break the ice again and do the asking. And when you do get him out, don't leave him wondering. Lay a big ole kiss on him... at the rate you two are going the next big meteor might hit before you do as nature intends.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, salparadise said:

Believe it or not, guys can get anxious when trying to ask someone out...

Except she asked him out already.

Let time take its course. Until then, love yourself so much that you are only pursued by the right person.

 

 

Edited February 5, 2023 by Alpacalia