Boyfriend said he will unsubscribe from my professional emails. weird?

[BaileyB]

13 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

When I mentioned it ....he said well I thought it was for your work?  I said yes, it is but I am the owner of the company!  I still have to pay the bill --   And he said he just thought it was a write off.  Yeah, MY write off -- I don't need to take on HIS too!

That’s incredibly presumptuous and very rude. Honestly not sure why you would even consider this.

[howwouldiknownow22]

4 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

That’s incredibly presumptuous and very rude. Honestly not sure why you would even consider this.

Yeah I think this whole post is helping me go back through what caused my issues or resentment with him the last time... I guess it's easy to forget some of this over time...  You are right. Why would I?  I guess because dating is hard and it's not getting any easier...  no one is perfect, of course.   But, this is frustrating ...for sure 

[glows]

You’re coming across like he has to approve your training or be your cheerleader and support you. I do wonder if for all that extra work he expects to get some perks like free meals and you footing the bill on items. Just reading between the lines here. 

Completely agree about keeping work and pleasure separate. You are coming across as pushy insisting he watch your training videos. 

If he can’t foot his own bills or expenses then dump him. No need to be sugar mama if you don’t want to.

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

You’re coming across like he has to approve your training or be your cheerleader and support you. I do wonder if for all that extra work he expects to get some perks like free meals and you footing the bill on items. Just reading between the lines here. 

Completely agree about keeping work and pleasure separate. You are coming across as pushy insisting he watch your training videos. 

If he can’t foot his own bills or expenses then dump him. No need to be sugar mama if you don’t want to.

I just can't even fathom behaving the way he has with me... 

Also, I do worry about his background.  He's in his early 50s ... and has been working as a CFO for an early stage company that looks like it's on financial thin ice.  And one other thing that bothered me about him ...is that he had told me he was scammed by a "very wealthy elderly man".   He told me this long story about how the guy was elusive but had promised him a salary of 1 million a year.... and that the guy would delay and delay and delay.  And he kept waiting for the guy to come through... 

the fact that he believed ANY of the stuff he was telling me.... about the scenario made me extremely concerned about his judgement or lack there of.  I think I lost respect for him when I heard that story .. 

[glows]

8 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

I just can't even fathom behaving the way he has with me... 

Also, I do worry about his background.  He's in his early 50s ... and has been working as a CFO for an early stage company that looks like it's on financial thin ice.  And one other thing that bothered me about him ...is that he had told me he was scammed by a "very wealthy elderly man".   He told me this long story about how the guy was elusive but had promised him a salary of 1 million a year.... and that the guy would delay and delay and delay.  And he kept waiting for the guy to come through... 

the fact that he believed ANY of the stuff he was telling me.... about the scenario made me extremely concerned about his judgement or lack there of.  I think I lost respect for him when I heard that story .. 

Hm. That also explains why you might have felt he’d benefit from your training videos. Would you say that some of it was due to concern over his career as well? 

You seem like a caring person but I’d treat this guy as sex or casual only. He’s not boyfriend material. Sorry.

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, I'm sorry, but there can be no FORGETTING of how he reacted and distanced himself to your mother's death. If you're forgetting that, then please go see a neurologist.

But of course, the issue isn't literal memory. The issue is you're just emotionally willing to tolerate unacceptable behavior. Dating for months and months is about SEEING if this person is worthy. His behavior--on multiple occasions--SHOUTS that he is not worthy. And yet you push past that and feel mistreated later when the same behavior repeats itself. 

This guy should have been dumped at his reaction to your mom's death. Instead, you called him and ASKED him why he didn't return the text. OP, if he doesn't the return the  text, that's it. You don't care why he didn't. Stupidity, cluelessness, coldness, meanness, emotional distance--the only possible "reason" would be that he was hospitalized and near death himself. Otherwise, you don't care why.  The behavior needs to be the focus and you negotiate about minor things ... You don't negotiate and look past someone who hides when your mother dies. You have to learn that. Period. If you can't take a stand when someone mistreats you in that kind of moment, then please get to therapy right away. 

Any half-wit knows that you don't give a partner space in a crisis. You are there in close with support and love. He doesn't know that, you fire his behind. With anger and decisiveness.

Anger maybe the missing element here. He spits on you and your habit is to ask why. No, you curse him and leave. 

 

[howwouldiknownow22]

14 minutes ago, glows said:

Hm. That also explains why you might have felt he’d benefit from your training videos. Would you say that some of it was due to concern over his career as well? 

You seem like a caring person but I’d treat this guy as sex or casual only. He’s not boyfriend material. Sorry.

IDK if I would give myself that much credit for my reasoning behind offering up what I was working on ...to him  I think it's more so that he has a sense of arrogance about himself ..as if he and his company are so exclusive and it would rub me the wrong way ESPECIALLY knowing the stories he's told me that seemed his judgment was a bit ..."off".

In addition, I had a colleague look at his employment track record and tell me what he thought and he said "drinking?"  I said what do you mean?  He said....he has bounced around so much in our industry and his jumps don't make sense. 

Interestingly enough, when we were dating he did NOT drink as he told me that he had gotten out of control with the drinking.  But since we have been talking again these past 2 weeks (yet to see each other in person) ...he told me he was back to drinking "now and again"...  

So, IDK ... just a lot that seems weird.  In addition, he dated a beautiful woman who didn't even speak English (and he doesn't speak Spanish!)  2 years ago....  You see what I mean.  It doesn't seem like (as you put it) long term relationship material.  

Edited February 4, 2023 by howwouldiknownow22

[howwouldiknownow22]

3 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, I'm sorry, but there can be no FORGETTING of how he reacted and distanced himself to your mother's death. If you're forgetting that, then please go see a neurologist.

But of course, the issue isn't literal memory. The issue is you're just emotionally willing to tolerate unacceptable behavior. Dating for months and months is about SEEING if this person is worthy. His behavior--on multiple occasions--SHOUTS that he is not worthy. And yet you push past that and feel mistreated later when the same behavior repeats itself. 

This guy should have been dumped at his reaction to your mom's death. Instead, you called him and ASKED him why he didn't return the text. OP, if he doesn't the return the  text, that's it. You don't care why he didn't. Stupidity, cluelessness, coldness, meanness, emotional distance--the only possible "reason" would be that he was hospitalized and near death himself. Otherwise, you don't care why.  The behavior needs to be the focus and you negotiate about minor things ... You don't negotiate and look past someone who hides when your mother dies. You have to learn that. Period. If you can't take a stand when someone mistreats you in that kind of moment, then please get to therapy right away. 

Any half-wit knows that you don't give a partner space in a crisis. You are there in close with support and love. He doesn't know that, you fire his behind. With anger and decisiveness.

Anger maybe the missing element here. He spits on you and your habit is to ask why. No, you curse him and leave. 

 

YES.  You are SO RIGHT!!!!   SPOT ON!!!  Thank you -- you are speaking truth.  You've summarized my behavior perfectly.  Thank you!

(and actually I did end it when my Mom died)....  that's the last time we communicated ...until he texted 2 weeks ago and we had a few calls and zoom calls.  

[BrinnM]

I can’t believe you’re still dealing with the same guy as last time you posted. This guy is not a good boyfriend. He has used you, and he seems highly unstable. Not partner material for sure!

Moreover - yes, yes, yes - you definitely have a right to have a boyfriend who supports your career. If that’s important to you, you should have a cheerleader as a partner, of course! Like you would cheer him on in his career, he should do the same for you. We all deserve this. That’s just a normal thing in every loving partnership. The fact that he withholds that from you means that he’s not happy for you. He’s not proud of what you have accomplished. He is jealous. Envious. He probably feels small next to you, and that’s why he rubs it in your face that his former GF was “pretty”, and that he doesn’t “need” your videos, and he will unsubscribe from your e-mail. 
These are exactly the loser guys who need you to be small and weak, which they will then call - in a sugarcoated way - “feminine”. Don’t fall for this garbage, as only weak men need a weak partner. And his history has very much shown how weak he is. You’re much stronger than him, also more successful, and hence your value is much higher than his ….. stay who you are. Stay firm! He has no place in your life!!!

[Mrin]

As a guy who used to be a serial dater, I want to offer you these nuggets:

1) Your picker seems to be off

2) You are way too eager to blur the lines between personal and business lives. Stop that.

3) You need to slow your roll on the serial dating. If anything, it is making you less "relationship ready" with each misfire. That's cool if you aren't wanting a relationship. But you certainly come across as wanting one. 

4) Now, given the fact that you have dodged or avoided addressing anyone else who brought up similar sentiments earlier in the post you probably don't care to hear it. But, you really should. Look no further than the fact that you had somehow forgotten all of these feelings and reactions you had about this guy previously and are just now revisiting them. That's very telling. It's not like this guy's from 6 years ago. The fact that you can't recall how you felt about a guy you dated less than 2 years ago means that there are so many others in between then and now that it is all lost in the shuffle. That should tell you something.

 

Best of luck!

Mrin

Edited February 4, 2023 by Mrin

[howwouldiknownow22]

2 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

I can’t believe you’re still dealing with the same guy as last time you posted. This guy is not a good boyfriend. He has used you, and he seems highly unstable. Not partner material for sure!

Moreover - yes, yes, yes - you definitely have a right to have a boyfriend who supports your career. If that’s important to you, you should have a cheerleader as a partner, of course! Like you would cheer him on in his career, he should do the same for you. We all deserve this. That’s just a normal thing in every loving partnership. The fact that he withholds that from you means that he’s not happy for you. He’s not proud of what you have accomplished. He is jealous. Envious. He probably feels small next to you, and that’s why he rubs it in your face that his former GF was “pretty”, and that he doesn’t “need” your videos, and he will unsubscribe from your e-mail. 
These are exactly the loser guys who need you to be small and weak, which they will then call - in a sugarcoated way - “feminine”. Don’t fall for this garbage, as only weak men need a weak partner. And his history has very much shown how weak he is. You’re much stronger than him, also more successful, and hence your value is much higher than his ….. stay who you are. Stay firm! He has no place in your life!!!

Thank you!!  I really appreciate your insight.

The only thing is this is NOT the same guy I had posted about last.  I haven't dated or seen this guy in quite some time...

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

Thank you!!  I really appreciate your insight.

The only thing is this is NOT the same guy I had posted about last.  I haven't dated or seen this guy in quite some time...

I've been married to my husband for over 20 years and still remember the men who didn't treat me well.  How many men have you dated that you don't remember your last experience with this one?

[Lotsgoingon]

So when he called you back recently, the only way you stay on the phone or read further beyond two words is if you hear or read I OWE YOU A MAJOR APOLOGY and here's what really sincere people would say: and I get that you might not want to speak with me.  But I wanted to apologize anyway."

And then you would need more words ... like he explains specifically what's wonderful about you ... 

If those kinds of words (with aching regret) don't appear in the first minute of a call or first two sentences of a text, you completely ignore him. 

The way jerks think about forgiveness is that they haven't done anything wrong in the first place! And if you forgive a jerk without an abject apology, they think, "Oh, I can keep  being selfish like I want." 

I say this as someone who forgave and looked past things with horrible consequences.  I looked past an ex's horrible behavior and somehow I convinced myself that she had apologized for it. When I really went looking into my memory for her words, she hadn't apologized. She had given me a bit of a contrite look several times. But no apology and words of taking responsibility and committing to change.  And she continued all that behavior, squandering all my work to look past and forgive her. 

That forgiveness can be a strength but only with the right people! That's what I learned and not in dating. Bad behavior in dating often just shows character. Hang in there! 

 

Edited February 4, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[howwouldiknownow22]

27 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

So when he called you back recently, the only way you stay on the phone or read further beyond two words is if you hear or read I OWE YOU A MAJOR APOLOGY and here's what really sincere people would say: and I get that you might not want to speak with me.  But I wanted to apologize anyway."

And then you would need more words ... like he explains specifically what's wonderful about you ... 

If those kinds of words (with aching regret) don't appear in the first minute of a call or first two sentences of a text, you completely ignore him. 

The way jerks think about forgiveness is that they haven't done anything wrong in the first place! And if you forgive a jerk without an abject apology, they think, "Oh, I can keep  being selfish like I want." 

I say this as someone who forgave and looked past things with horrible consequences.  I looked past an ex's horrible behavior and somehow I convinced myself that she had apologized for it. When I really went looking into my memory for her words, she hadn't apologized. She had given me a bit of a contrite look several times. But no apology and words of taking responsibility and committing to change.  And she continued all that behavior, squandering all my work to look past and forgive her. 

That forgiveness can be a strength but only with the right people! That's what I learned and not in dating. Bad behavior in dating often just shows character. Hang in there! 

 

when we discussed some of this ...he did use the "tax write off" thing as an "apology" I guess....of sorts.

As for the issue with not replying about my Mom...he said he was thinking it may have been another excuse since I had canceled twice before on trips with him...   

He said he was feeling as if this was another example of me just essentially dumping him since I told him I was going out of town to deal with my mom's hospitalization.  

He does address things but I often feel like it's just not truly owning it and being fully sincere.  And I think I hold resentment... 

[NuevoYorko]

If you're accurately describing what has gone on with you in your relationships, including this one, you seem to be in a space where you are incapable of learning from experiences.   Consistently there are interactions with men which are outrageously BAD.  Not only do you accommodate for the men's behavior, you plow forward at mock speed despite it.   

What we are supposed to be doing in dating is getting to know a person.  Take my word for this:  There are millions upon millions of fine people with whom you will not be a match.  Just because somebody's "good" doesn't mean that they'll be a fit, right?  

But when you are served completely lowlife, trashy behavior on a silver platter, and further, at very early stages when you're not even seriously attached,  there is only one thing to do:   MOVE ON LIKE LIGHTENING.  It's not even hard, since you haven't spent any real time together.

It seems like you do not abide by this at all.

I'd like to explore a little bit how and why 1) this man popped up a couple of weeks after the last loser and implored you to be his girlfriend.  and 2) on what basis you decided to agree to it.  

Not only have ALL interactions you've described with him been absolutely sleazy,  you've never even really developed any real relationship.  I'm not tracking how this guy became your "partner" and you were committed to an LTR with him.  

This guy doesn't really matter at this point; all the men in your posts are interchangeable douches.  Seems like they can make some kind of impression in online business chatrooms and / or with an impressive job description like "pilot" but otherwise they are lowclass creeps who are obviously single for very good reasons.

Please stop for your own good.  Definitely stop trying to date men from your work life.  They are all clowns.  Not the fun kind.

[BaileyB]

16 minutes ago, howwouldiknownow22 said:

He does address things but I often feel like it's just not truly owning it and being fully sincere.  And I think I hold resentment... 

I think this is not healthy behavior for either one of you. When a man behaves in this way, the appropriate thing to do is dump him and leave him in the past - not to build resentment. Where are your boundaries? 

Honestly, this man is not worth the emotional energy you have put into this relationship. 

Edited February 4, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know why you're considering even seeing this guy again, OP. 

Wipe the slate clean. Stay single for a bit. And next time, don't mix business with pleasure. Date men who have nothing to do with your work. 

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, some people I don't want to tell what I'm going to tell  you. 

But to you, you want to get quicker in judging people and focus on your happiness. Eff what reason he gives. If it doesn't feel good, dump and run. Stop listening to these fake lines. No guy at all who likes a woman is going to abandon her when she says her mother is dead. Impossible. If he does, you run--you don't wait for a reason. This guy knows you fall for all kinds of detailed nonsense. He always has a reason. Liars and b-s-ers always have reasons. You don't stop process each and every reason. You check in with yourself: do I feel great with this person right now? If not, dump and run and ignore their reasons.

 

[howwouldiknownow22]

12 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

OP, some people I don't want to tell what I'm going to tell  you. 

But to you, you want to get quicker in judging people and focus on your happiness. Eff what reason he gives. If it doesn't feel good, dump and run. Stop listening to these fake lines. No guy at all who likes a woman is going to abandon her when she says her mother is dead. Impossible. If he does, you run--you don't wait for a reason. This guy knows you fall for all kinds of detailed nonsense. He always has a reason. Liars and b-s-ers always have reasons. You don't stop process each and every reason. You check in with yourself: do I feel great with this person right now? If not, dump and run and ignore their reasons.

 

Thank you...  yes, I know.  I think I recognize the red flags ... I have a good gut reaction *sometimes TOO quick to judgement but somehow I just keep minimizing them.  trying to make excuses for them ....  or believing I'm just too sensitive to something...

Clearly,  I get stuck sometimes being extremely black and white..   either I give them FAR too many chances ... or ...   I just cut and run.   

I think this is also a bi product of being a workaholic and meeting or connecting with people I meet at business mastermind groups instead of just meeting friends.  I end up finding myself in a sea of narcissists....  and they all look great ...initially.  And then....shocker -- they essentially become a clone of the previous nightmares that I've allowed in my life.

I am 46 and I'm in good shape... I just need to realize that it's ok to take time... and enjoy life.  I guess it's hard seeing all my friends with their families... and knowing my son is going off to college next year.  

As a typical 17 year old, he's got a busy life with school and sports and friends...and fortunately he's a GREAT kid and I've at least been wise enough not to expose him to this drama.  

That's possibly the only good thing I can about myself right now..  considering.   

[Lotsgoingon]

And you got to think about and know that you are a catch.

And know that lowering standards never works. It just doesn't. Lowering standards and giving people lots of forgiveness and understanding just delays the inevitable: that the person will end up disappointing you. 

You can relax and not work hard and think so hard. You won't have to make excuses for a guy who is right for you. OK?! You won't! You will be treasured--consistently. 

[howwouldiknownow22]

12 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

And you got to think about and know that you are a catch.

And know that lowering standards never works. It just doesn't. Lowering standards and giving people lots of forgiveness and understanding just delays the inevitable: that the person will end up disappointing you. 

You can relax and not work hard and think so hard. You won't have to make excuses for a guy who is right for you. OK?! You won't! You will be treasured--consistently. 

Yes -- I agree.  I know this consciously... but sometimes hard to put into practice.   

I believe a lot of the issue is my fear that the longer I spend alone....the more I get in a rut...   I feel like I'm in that rut right now..  

And I wonder if there isn't something to the issue I seem to have when people (the 2 men I've bee exclusive with)  come to stay in my home for a few days.  

However, I must admit my last LONG term relationship which began almost 2 years ago now.....I loved when he came to visit.  And vice versa.  we enjoyed our time together...  until he turned into a weirdo who at the 8 month mark decided to tell me he wanted to watch me have sex with another man.   GROSSS..   I just can't believe that happened... to this day...

Anyway, at least I can lean on the fact that when things are GOOD... I don't have problems with connecting.... I guess the most recent 2 people just had too many red flags for me to feel at ease and comfortable (as described in this thread). 

Edited February 4, 2023 by howwouldiknownow22

[NuevoYorko]

If you can't or won't take a significant break from dating, can you at least restrict yourself to people who are not long distance?  This way you can get to know them,  integrate with their friends and family members,  spend time dating and sharing things that each of you enjoys to find out if you are really compatible.  

It would be a good idea to try traditional, real dating .  Just getting to know decent men without jumping within days / hours to "partner" or LTR.  I mean, face to face dating.   Lots of us had to do this; I did when I recovered sufficiently from my divorce and was beginning to think about finding a new serious partner.  I really didn't know how to date, as my ex wife was a part of a big friend group from University and afterwards; we'd known each other forever.   I was honest and let women I was dating know that I was not yet ready to commit - I did not "multi-date" though and was open to something developing. When it was clear to me that the person was not potentially THE person, I would stop dating her.   It was about 18 months of this type of interaction before I did meet my now permanent partner.   

Also - right away, when any man you date does outright BAD behavior (asking you for money, mooching off of you,  substance abuse, lying, misrepresenting, gaslighting, cheating,  verbal or other abuse of you or your kid, the list goes on) just end it immediately.  So far in your threads you have never had an established relationship of any depth with the men who start right in with the trashy actions.  You treat them as if they are important to you and they "deserve" more chances - but they are always virtual strangers who you've only seen in person intermittently.  Try to stop that pattern.  

[Lotsgoingon]

You will have to consciously imagine going selfish in relationship and for you, you are only doing it right if you are uncomfortable. The first time you really advocate and stand for yourself will likely feel odd. 

But you'll be shocked at how often people will easily say yes to a request that you feared would scare them off. And if they can't say yes, you move on. 

If you're really out of touch with what you want, sorta imagine what someone in your position (who was really confident and focused on their own desires and feelings)--what would they ask for ... then double it! 

[ClearEyes-FullHeart]

I agree with the other who recommend taking a break in dating, keeping work and professional worlds separate, and also avoiding long distance dating.

Something about this thread makes me think I remember past posts of yours but I may be mixing things up. Did this guy always pressure you drink to excess? Sorry if I am wrong here but I think a year ago someone wrote about a bad situation and that person almost always had to travel to see him. The drama in your post is signaling the other poster if it isn’t you.

Regardless, this situation is not going well, and I’d end it. I wish you all the best moving forward.

[NuevoYorko]

It seems as if there is an addiction to drama - the presence of drama signifies that there is a "relationship."