Rt3 Posted February 5, 2023 Share Posted February 5, 2023 I’ve been in a relationship with this girl since 4-20-2022. We started out the first few months, things were really great. We got along so well, we were super affectionate and always going on fun adventures and making each other laugh like school children. As time went on probably 3rd/4th month we started to argue a lot. Many of these arguments I felt were her saying or doing something insensitive and me bringing it up to her and her getting defensive. I would then get really frustrated and a big argument would occur. I do admit that I have some anger issues. Nothing physically ever, but verbally I would say things that I probably shouldn’t have and she sometimes would do the same thing. Fast forward to around month 6 and when we would argue she would resort to breaking up with me out of anger. She then would regret it and come running back but it would take a big toll on my self esteem. This would go on for the next two months until we had an argument middle of last month and this time she broke up with me and we have stayed broken up. Only thing is that during this time we still would talk regularly and go out and mostly act like a couple but things would get more toxic. She began to place blame on me for all relationship issues and has gotten to the point where I’m the only one agreeing to make changes and she thinks that she has done nothing wrong. I owned up to my anger issues and have agreed to see a psychiatrist but she isn’t doing anything because she thinks she’s perfect Even though her behavior is toxic. She has even gotten to the point of blocking my number mid conversation and indirectly slandering me on social media. Last night was the final straw for me. We went on a little road trip and on our way home we discussed getting a hotel room. We wanted one that rented by the hour rather than stay the night. I offered up one hotel that I knew did and when she asked how I knew I wanted to be truthful so I said I went there with an ex. She then said she just wanted to go home but when I suggested a motel she knew, she agreed and we went and slept together. The ride home was fine and as soon as I pull in my driveway she brings up me mentioning the hotel with my ex. She’s going off saying I’m insensitive of her feelings and that I don’t think before I speak and I shouldn’t have brought it up knowing she would ask how I knew that hotel rented by the hour. Meanwhile she always brings up her ex and even compared my behaviors to his the other night and in turn I told her she reminded me of my ex out of spite. So basically she stormed out of my truck, jumped in her car and went home and she said she’s 100% done. So basically I’ve had with this relationship and with this girl. My mental health is in shambles, I have no self esteem and she gaslights me every chance she gets. I can’t do it anymore and I need to leave but why is it so hard? She was my first true girlfriend, and my longest. I lost my virginity to her, I went on vacations with her, she met my whole family etc. So obviously I’m sentimental about our relationship but I can’t do it anymore. I know she has some good qualities, and I try to be understanding because she had a tough past and has bipolar disorder but I can’t do this anymore. And as much as I want to leave and be totally done I just can’t find the strength to do it and I’m always running back. I just can’t live this way anymore. Any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated, Thank you. And for reference I’m 26, she’s 28 & a mother of 1. Link to post Share on other sites
Calmandfocused Posted February 5, 2023 Share Posted February 5, 2023 (edited) Op, what a dreadful toxic situation you’ve got yourself in. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that you need to break this cycle before you break yourself completely. You want to know why you can’t let go? Why it’s so hard? There are 2 reasons: 1) You are addicted! Your brain is addicted to the adrenaline, the drama, the highs and lows and the intensity of the “love” (bond). 2) disclaimer- please bear with me on this one it will sound a bit bonkers- because of point 1 you will feel a great sense of discomfort and abandonment. Second to that you will feel guilt because you have abandoned her. I read somewhere once upon a time that abandoning a toxic relationship is as emotionally distressing as a mother abandoning her child. Toxic relationships do not operate as 2 adults in a relationship. They operate in a chaos of dysfunction, co dependency and as I said; addiction. You can break the addiction though. Cold Turkey and suffering through all the withdrawal symptoms is the only way. Stay no contact! Edited February 5, 2023 by Calmandfocused Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 5, 2023 Share Posted February 5, 2023 Yes your first real relationship and first breakup is always by far the hardest. I've been there. But I have a problem with your thread title, "can't leave toxic relationship." It's not true and it's a cop-out. You can end this. It's time for you to take responsibility for your choices. And every time you hang out with her again and keep this cycle going, you are making a choice. The solution to this is simple; this toxic relationship needs to end once and for all. That means not continuing to text her, talk to her, or hang out with her. You need to go no-contact and block her. Yes it's hard but only once you do that, you can begin to get over this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 6, 2023 Share Posted February 6, 2023 It's hard because you don't know what's going to happen. That's fine, we all have been there. You can do it. You put in a game plan of when, how you are going to say it, and prepare to be strong to stick with it. It's gonna suck at first for sure...you will get through it with contacting your family for support, or a close friend etc. Keep busy, do nice things for yourself. Go no contact, block/delete/erase everything. The first couple of weeks will be a struggle, after that things will feel lighter like a weight taken off your shoulders. You will discover your old self, and feel real good about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 6, 2023 Share Posted February 6, 2023 On 2/5/2023 at 9:46 AM, Rt3 said: I owned up to my anger issues and have agreed to see a psychiatrist This is the best place to start. Fortunately you don't live together or have children together. You can work with your healthcare providers on your own stuff because, generally, you can't fix or change other people. Explain your not compatible, have to work on yourself and can't continue the relationship. Then delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 9, 2023 Share Posted February 9, 2023 You need to block every form of communication and social media. She will try and worm her way back but don't give her the opportunity. Make it impossible for her to contact you. She is a narcissist. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rt3 Posted February 10, 2023 Author Share Posted February 10, 2023 So to update everybody, Tuesday night I did it. I totally blocked her on everything. I'm absolutely heartbroken, and I'm really struggling but I had to do it. My mental health couldn't take anymore. Now I have to try to prevent the urge to contact her again... Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 4 hours ago, Rt3 said: So to update everybody, Tuesday night I did it. I totally blocked her on everything. I'm absolutely heartbroken, and I'm really struggling but I had to do it. My mental health couldn't take anymore. Now I have to try to prevent the urge to contact her again... There’s a thread you’re welcome to post in instead of contacting your ex. It was started awhile ago by another member and others post there too when avoiding contacting their exes. I’m curious if she was receiving treatment for her bipolar disorder. Given the way things were between the both of you, it sounds like ending it is for the best. Regarding the hotel and having been there with an ex, try something new in future with someone different. She seems unusually insecure but it might have been many things leading up to this point where neither of you were getting along or trusting one another anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 On 2/5/2023 at 6:46 AM, Rt3 said: So basically I’ve had with this relationship and with this girl. My mental health is in shambles, I have no self esteem and she gaslights me every chance she gets. I can’t do it anymore and I need to leave but why is it so hard? She was my first true girlfriend, and my longest. I lost my virginity to her, I went on vacations with her, she met my whole family etc. So obviously I’m sentimental about our relationship but I can’t do it anymore. I know she has some good qualities, and I try to be understanding because she had a tough past and has bipolar disorder but I can’t do this anymore. And as much as I want to leave and be totally done I just can’t find the strength to do it and I’m always running back. I just can’t live this way anymore. Any advice or words of encouragement would be appreciated, Thank you. Ending a long-term relationship, especially one where you have shared a lot of personal experiences, is difficult. However, it's important to remember that it's not healthy for you to be in a relationship where you constantly argue and experience verbal abuse. It's commendable that you have recognized your anger issues and taken steps to address them, but your partner also needs to take responsibility for her actions and behavior. Congratulations on ending the relationship and prioritizing yourself. Blocking her on all platforms is a necessary step to help you move forward and heal. Focus on yourself and allow yourself time and space to heal, even though it can be tough to resist the urge to reach out. It's okay to feel heartbroken and struggling in the aftermath of a breakup, but try to focus on the positive changes in your life that come from ending this toxic relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Rt3 Posted February 11, 2023 Author Share Posted February 11, 2023 So I saw her facebook page through my other facebook (I have a burner & I didn't block her there) and I noticed one of my friends commented on her new profile picture, saying nice picture. This guy is significantly older than us, he is in his 60s and we are in our 20s but I found this a little odd. I know those two did become friendly with each other during our time together, but I really dont like it. What do you make of that? Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 11, 2023 Share Posted February 11, 2023 2 hours ago, Rt3 said: So I saw her facebook page through my other facebook (I have a burner & I didn't block her there) and I noticed one of my friends commented on her new profile picture, saying nice picture. This guy is significantly older than us, he is in his 60s and we are in our 20s but I found this a little odd. I know those two did become friendly with each other during our time together, but I really dont like it. What do you make of that? Respectfully, she's your ex and if someone likes her post, then it's no longer any of your business and your feelings about it are irrelevant. For what it's worth, any time someone puts a new pic up they get positive responses from all and sundry, so to me, his comment is very normal. As your mental health is in shambles, do yourself a favour and block her on everything so that you don't send yourself into a tailspin about things which are no longer any of your business. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 12 hours ago, Rt3 said: I saw her facebook page through my other facebook I have a burner & I didn't block her there No contact and deleting and blocking is for your own peace of mind and healing. Setting up a ghost account to monitor her sort of undermines that. Try to cut down on the background noise by staying away from her online activity. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 21 hours ago, Rt3 said: I know those two did become friendly with each other during our time together, but I really dont like it. What do you make of that? What do I make of that - you are not really no contact if you are snooping her Facebook page. No contact means, no contact. You continue to stay in this terribly toxic relationship because you leave the door open… Make a decision and end it. Full-stop. Find something else to do - go to the gym, spend some time with your buddies, find yourself a counsellor. If you continue to go back to this very unhealthy relationship, you can’t really blame her for the fact that your self esteem and your mental health are in shambles. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 (edited) On 2/11/2023 at 8:39 PM, Rt3 said: This guy is significantly older than us, he is in his 60s and we are in our 20s but I found this a little odd. I know those two did become friendly with each other during our time together, but I really dont like it. What do you make of that? It's not your business anymore and you need to block her on that Facebook account too. You said you blocked her on everything but obviously kept this other one to continue to watch her. Is this why you have a burner account? To watch your ex's? Stop it. Edited February 13, 2023 by JTSW Link to post Share on other sites
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