I finally broke up with her.

[dontknowwhattofeel]

I broke up last year on 5th April 2022. (for the red flags you can check it here and here) 

I was 30 M and she was 22 F

So, long story short, after 14 months of waiting and waiting and waiting, we finnally officialy become a couple on 10th october 2021.

Everything went well, it was the most happiest time I ever experienced in my whole life, never ever I loved someone like I loved her. But, as you can see from the link above, her habit to be friendly with other guys was there. She still call other guys (more than one, plural) that she called friend (i know some of them) until 3 or 4 am in the morning, even though i told her that i wasnt comfortable with that, and that hurt me.

Things got worse when she was getting closer with her bestfriend, they were calling each other, even he suggested her to get a new haircut, without telling me who was her boyfriend. I was angry and she still did that. One week after that she even went with him to get vaccine shoot which is only 300 meters from her place. she said she need someone to accompany her, all her girl friends cant do that yada yada yada. 

I was angry and i took 1 week away from her. Told her to stay away, as i was dissapointed with her. 

After that, she was getting angrier at me, she accused me that i wasnt there for her, and asked to have a time away from me for at least a month. 

on that month i keep the communication with her, tried my best to still love her. Long story short, after 2 weeks we were taking a break she will have her birthday in 2 weeks, so i planned things to celebrate it. I ordered birthday gift for her, i even planned a surprise with her house mate. I booked lunch for two of us. everything was ready 1 week before her birthday. But nothing last forever, man proposes, God dispose.

2 days before her birthday

She suddenly asked me, what will happened if we broke up? will i still be friendly with her? I asked her, why did you ask me that? It depends, if we seperated on a good terms, of course we can still be friend, but if not, i dont know. 

That question make me upset so i canceled the lunch booking. But i tried to keep my composure and rebook it. i also ask her housemate to have that lunch with her. 

1 day before her birthday

She called me and cried. She told me that she didnt worthy to be my GF. It turned out few days ago she went out with a guy till midnight. I asked her who is that guy for 50 minutes, but she never told me. I told her, the more you didnt tell me, the more i feel that you are protecting him. So she told me. It was our junior and both of us know him. 

I think, first she already being honest and asking for forgiveness, second it will be her birthday tonight. So i forgave her. That night i sent her the present i already bought before (it cost me half month salary) and also sent her birthday cake.

before it, i called her, i said that i want to accompany her until 12pm so we can celebrate it together. She declined and asked me to hang up the video call (last year she really excited for the surprise and even asked for more; long story short: on 2021 i am only bought her birthday cake, sushi cake, and other food, and came to her house and met her parents, turned out she was disapointed because i didnt give her other gift, so this year i come prepared).

I fell asleep till 2 am and call her. She already got the present and the cake, but she didnt even excited. I told her that i already book lunch, but yesterday i canceled it because i was upset, but i already rebook, so shall we have a birthday lunch together? 

she told me, lets find out later, its already 4am, lets sleep first.

her birthday: it was friday

11:50 am: i was ready to go to her place. I even already told my workplace that i will have a half day off. 

I called her, but she told me that she already went out with her friend. I thought it was her housemate or other friends. so i was okay with that. I chatted her, asked her, if we can have dinner instead? she told me she cant. 

Around 15 Pm i called her, text her, but she never replied. At 18 pm, i chatted her housemate, the same no response.

at 20.30 PM she finally replied me. It turned out she went out with the same guy he cried about yesterday. i asked her why? she told me, you already forgive me yesterday, so i thought it was okay that i went out again with him.

I asked, but this morning i already told you i have booked lunch for us. She said, i thought you said it was canceled. 

The stupid me tried my hardest to save this relationship. I went to her place at that moment. She just said sorry, and got busy replying all the birthday wishes she got. i wonder she can glue her eyes on her phone, but she didnt even bother to reply my chat. i got there 21.30 and at 22.00 she told me to go home.

weekend: i dont even remember what i did 

i did my activities like robot. i dont even know what i feel. i numbed. i even still tried to cheer my GF of mine.

Monday: i went to psychologist

I didnt know who to talk at that time. I thought that this was just normal fight, and if i told this problem to someone close to me, i was afraid that they will judge her badly. If i told my friends who dont know her, i know they will ask me to break up with her. so i went to psychologist and told my gf about it.

Tuesday: We broke up

That afternoon we called, and i asked her wheter she still contact that guy or not? and i asked her to she their chat. It turned out they still contact each other with calling her beautiful, cheer her up, using love emote, and so on. I asked her to block him, to choose between him or me. in the end she said she cant block him, he is her friend. She only said, she was sorry that she always hurt me. I said okay then, you are free now. Let me pick up my heart that you have torn into pieces, and i will continue my counseling later. That time, she JUST REALIZED THAT I WENT TO COUNSEL BECAUSE OF HER EVEN I ALREADY TOLD HER BEFORE. She cried cried and cried, i know she cried not because of me, but because she become the villain in this story, and it will tarnish her good girl reputation. 

Wednesday: i still angry

I called her and asked her, did you still contact him? and she did. She said, broke up with you is hard for me, and he as a good friend was accompanying me going through this phase. I was really angry at that time, i tell many swear words at her and him at that time. I threaten her that i will tell all the people she know about this (i wont even do this, its not me, i said it because i was angry and want her to feel the same pain as i am). She cried and cried because of her reputation will be tarnished. she begged me, is it not enough that you already punish me with breaking up with me? why did you want to punish me with this? i Told her, dude, breaking up with you is not a punishment, it is my way to save myself from you and him, it is a way to love myself, it is a way to cherish myself, i am important, and it is enough.

after that, i pity her and called several of her friends to come and accompany her. I blocked all of her contact and social media.

Thursday: I went to my second counceling

next week: her friend contact me

She told me that my ex is working her disertation, so i tried to cheer her by sending a coffee and cookies i also opened all the block. and her response was a tweet, she tweeted, "what do you want? for me you are silly" 

thats it for me. never ever i will contact her again. but in the end she was the one who blocked me lol

next few months: she tweeted and share IG stories with that boy

and i was busy healing. Tried archery and joined an archery club. routinely had a counceling session. cried, cried, and cried. i wonder why did they do me like this? what's my fault? to be treated like this?

She also share "her version" of the story that i didnt even interested to know. Many of my friends sent me the screenshoot of what she did. and everytime i beg them to stop. i want to move on. 

I also tried dating apps. It's been more than half a year, still after 300++ matches and 200 more likes that i get, i havent found the one yet. But i dont focus or tried hard to be in a new relationship. I focused on myself. To heal, to love myself, to treat him better. Just let it flow. 

2023: i still have mixed feeling

I dont really have feeling as intense as last year when i saw their picture together, or when she told people her version of the story. I let it go. I meet many new friends, new girls, new experience without her. It turned out i can live well. Many better girls matched with me on dat app, many better experience i can get when i am alone like this. 

But to get to this point, i went into the darkest darkness i ever had in my life. I turned into the most broken version of me at that time. I fell so deep into despair. But here i am, i found the brightest like in the darkest darkness. I am grateful now that i went all those things so i can be who i am now. 

[mark clemson]

22 female:  She's probably simply wasn't ready to settle down yet, a lot of people aren't in their early 20's. It's good you kept your feelers out and found new relationships; hopefully someone a little more mature will come along if "settling down" is in the cards for you.

Sometimes it's darkest right before the dawn.

Edited February 7, 2023 by mark clemson