Overweight SOs

[kitten chick]

I've been reading the "How do I tell my wife that she's overweight?" thread and it seems as though this is a more common issue than I would have thought. Some men even suggest leaving their wives due to weight gain. I was kind of surprised to read this. Of course everyone wants their SO to stay in shape but is it really that big of an issue, a deal breaker, enough to break up a marriage? I'm not asking with judgement I would just like honest opinions from people as to the importance of weight/looks in a relationship. At what point does a change in weight/looks become an issue (ie. how much of a change)?

[Art_Critic]

I am from the school of thought that if I can't see mr happy anymore then I need to diet

[kitten chick]

But you are talking about yourself. I'm asking how people see their SOs.

[Art_Critic]

Okay.. I'll give you a serious answer K C..

 

When I was married my then wife was about 5'7 145 lbs.. I was married for 5 years and in that time she swelled to almost 180lbs+ and I never cared.. It was her body not mine..

As well as the weight gain was caused by all the injections from invitro and trying to have a baby as well as having a misscarriage at 3 months..

 

so her body was out of whack

 

I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue..

 

When you love someone you don't notice their size.

[quankanne]

I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue. When you love someone you don't notice their size.

 

I think the average person feels this way, that some weight gain is inevitable, therefore not comment-worthy, but there is a fine line between putting on some weight and being unhealthily overweight. I think it's kind of stingy to tell someone that they're not worthy of your love because of a weight problem, though.

[TUDOR]

Keeping yourself at respectable size is part of making sure your spouse stays in love with you. Just as you have to do the little gestures to show them you still love them you must also still care enough about what they think not to let yourself go. A little wieght gain is not a big deal but when in it is a lot of weight due to pure and simple laziness it becomes problem.

 

Looks are not everything and I would still love my wife if she gained weight but when she stops caring about her looks and stops trying to look good for me then the weight is not the only route of the promblems that will insue.

[whichwayisup]

Looks are not everything and I would still love my wife if she gained weight but when she stops caring about her looks and stops trying to look good for me then the weight is not the only route of the promblems that will insue.

 

Good statement, and I'll add in: She should be trying to make herself look good for HERSELF, not only for you. Self confidence, how one looks, dresses, smells and carries themselves is important.

[quankanne]

and I say why give a rat's *ss about looking good just to keep your mate? Good hygiene, good manners, yes; trying to adopt a healthy lifestyle and eating habits so ensure you get the most of your time together, yes; trying to meet some ideal someone has for you when they're not you, no. Not only no, but hell no. This is where it starts seeping into trying to live up to impossible standards set by society – I'll never be tall, blond or svelte, nor do I want to be because that's not my lot in life.

[Outcast]

Just as you have to do the little gestures to show them you still love them you must also still care enough about what they think not to let yourself go

 

And this ignores the fact that it's not about caring about what someone else thinks. People who overeat often don't care about themselves and the food is a drug to help them feel better. Too, they are very often depressed already - one of the signs of depression is ceasing to care about how one looks.

 

So if you see someone doing this, look for causes and don't assume it's about you.

[kitten chick]

I didn't expect to hear from women on the subject but I think it's really interesting to see what both sexes have to say.

[TUDOR]

and I say why give a rat's *ss about looking good just to keep your mate? Good hygiene, good manners, yes; trying to adopt a healthy lifestyle and eating habits so ensure you get the most of your time together, yes; trying to meet some ideal someone has for you when they're not you, no. Not only no, but hell no. This is where it starts seeping into trying to live up to impossible standards set by society – I'll never be tall, blond or svelte, nor do I want to be because that's not my lot in life.

 

Its not so much about trying to get some one to live up to standards that they can't compete with. You are who you are and those that love you, love you for who you are. But when some one gains 100lbs and becomes over weight, the people surrounding them are not suggesting they loose 150lbs which would be a higher standard than before the weight gain but rather they would like to see them at least try to get back to where they were.

 

We are talking about people changing for the worse after the relationship has started, not trying to get you to be someone your not from get go. If you weigh 250lbs when you meet then and they fall in love with you, then yes it would then be wrong to expect you to loose 100lbs.

[Neptune]

Well, you asked for honest answers so I will try. From my obsevations. Particularly, age is a factor. The younger a couple is the more likely a woman putting on weight could lead to problems. It puts a young guy`s back against the wall when a gal starts out at a good weight and then starts putting it on. The more weight, the more of a problem.

 

The big problem is a young guy with his libido in high gear has a tough time keeping his eyes off shapely gals and his imagination at bay. It is good to have what he originally chose to come back to to get his rocks off. Otherwise, and it is hard to go into all the details, he goes through life like a kid in a candy store, he can look plenty but can never touch.

[kitten chick]

So from your posts it seems there are other factors involved here....

 

Age

The amount of weight gained (and it could be any other physical change)

The SO's mental state / events happening in their life

Permanence of the weight gain or physical change

 

Did I miss any?

[quankanne]

ah, Tudor, to me there's a fine line in the mentality of "please lose weight because I'm worried for your health and I want you to live as long as possible so we can enjoy our life together" and "you're fat an unattractive" -- unless you've got a personal investment in the overweight person (i.e. spouse, family member, concerned friend), all you see is the weight and you automatically assume this is a lazy person who refuses to better him/herself by "looking good."

 

which is why my first thought is to say "hell no" to people who comment on my weight and suggest I can do better.

[Neptune]

I think the important thing is mostly women who simply start eating too much and keep putting it on. It has a lot to do with how the man percieves her weight gain. Probably few men would be totally indifferent. But there could be some resentment on part of a lot of men. If the weight gain is caused by other factors rather than just eating too much then it is just another challange in a relationship.

[TUDOR]

ah, Tudor, to me there's a fine line in the mentality of "please lose weight because I'm worried for your health and I want you to live as long as possible so we can enjoy our life together" and "you're fat an unattractive" -- unless you've got a personal investment in the overweight person (i.e. spouse, family member, concerned friend), all you see is the weight and you automatically assume this is a lazy person who refuses to better him/herself by "looking good."

 

which is why my first thought is to say "hell no" to people who comment on my weight and suggest I can do better.

 

I agree there is very fine line and this is very delicate topic to approach. My comments were directly related to spouses or significant others. If I don't know you then I have no room to comment on anyone's weight or the circumstances for it. But my comments were more about watching some one you love or care about gain the weight for no other reason than just being lazy. There will always be circumstances be it gene related, medical, etc for people's weight and I do not judge because I do want to be judged myself. If I meet some one who is over weight and I make a comment about their weight then I would expect a swift kick in the balls.

[dangel]

I think the important thing is mostly women who simply start eating too much and keep putting it on. It has a lot to do with how the man percieves her weight gain. Probably few men would be totally indifferent. But there could be some resentment on part of a lot of men. If the weight gain is caused by other factors rather than just eating too much then it is just another challange in a relationship.

 

I agree that it is certainly different if there are medical reasons or several pregnancies involved in the gain. I don't think most men would really be perturbed by that. But like Neptune says, when it's women who simply start eating too much and keep putting it on, I think it's a fair question.

[Tangerina]

hmmmmm..... I guess there is some point at which it would start being a problem to me, but as long as my boy respects his body and his mind and our relationship then I will love him whatever shape he is. I feel this way about everything, not just weight... like he does more drugs than me and some things that are kind of hard and I don't really like, but he does them very very rarely and with appropriate caution and respect for what they do and I know he respects his body and mind so I don't mind, it is his life. If it started hurting him or our relationship, I would start to actively disapprove. He has said to me before that if he lost his legs or something then he would understand if I left him... I told him that if he lost his legs and became a bitter self loathing nothing of a person, then yeah, I would leave him, but if he lost his legs and was able to get over being upset and angry about it and continue being himself then I would continue to love the bright wonderful person that he is... same thing with weight gain... I could really care less until it got to the point where it was either very unhealthy or got in the way of him feeling good about himself and being the best person he could be.

[d'Arthez]

I am from the school of thought that if I can't see mr happy anymore then I need to diet

Art_Critic you are not seeing things clearly. You need to get Mr. Happy extended a bit more then .

 

Weight is only an issue, if it is a health issue. Not all people who are overweight suffer from depression (which is a mental health issue). If a SO has one, you should try to be encouraging him / her to address the issue, and become healthier. That will have a positive impact on both your lives. Well worth it.

[Outcast]

for no other reason than just being lazy

 

Always interesting to deal in hypotheticals. I think you'll find that your 'just lazy' scenario is more the exception than the rule.

[Sundax]

My wife's weight gain is seriously hurting our marriage.

 

I don't demand skinny, not at all. But she gained 170 pounds to reach a grand total of 310 pounds. And has kept it on for over 10 years.

 

I'm sorry, but that much weight does affect my attraction to her. Not my love for her but definitely my attraction for her. To such an extent that I frequently can't function in the bedroom because I am so turned off. Does that make me a jerk? Or is this a completely unreasonable amount of weight?

 

We frequently have the "You should love me the way I am" fight. What she just won't hear is that I DO love her but the weight has brought our sex life to a virtual stop. And since she equates sex to love, no sex means I don't love her.

 

What would you people do in this situation? Am I so bad of a person for being affected by it? Would you be?

[tanbark813]

If I got into a relationship and the girl gained 100 lbs while we were together I would definitely be bothered by it. I don't buy the "you should love me no matter what" BS. If she isn't putting in the same effort to maintain herself that she did in the beginning of the relationship then not only is she less attractive, but it means she doesn't feel the relationship is important enough to put in the requisite effort. It's not just the physical attractiveness, or lack thereof, of the weight gain, but the attitude behind it.

 

It goes not only for weight but for other things. If a girl was nice and sweet and treated me well in the beginning, should I stick around and "love her no matter what" if she stopped treating me well? Of course not. The same goes for personal hygiene or any other number of things that go into making yourself an attractive partner. I think it's an unhealthy mentality to think, "Well I have you now so I can just let myself go and you should stick around anyway."

 

I don't stop going to the gym when I'm in a relationship. One good thing about my last ex was that she ran 5 miles a day without fail and helped motivate me to hit the gym more often. I liked that.

 

If anything I hit the gym more when I'm in a relationship than when I'm single. For one, I want to look good to my SO. And secondly, I want to already be looking good should we break up and I have to dive back into the dating pool.

 

It may not be PC to say, but I think people should keep themselves looking good for their partner, not just for themselves. I want my SO to think I'm hot, not just tolerate me out of a sense--false or not--of obligation.

[JS17]

Am I so bad of a person for being affected by it?

No, you're not a bad person for being affected by it. You can't help how you feel. I think it's really great that you can distinguish your love for her from your loss of attraction due to the weight gain. The numbers that you posted aren't healthy, is she concerned about her health? Is there a reason that she gained that much weight and can she get help for whatever reason it is?

[lilmoma1973]

Okay.. I'll give you a serious answer K C..

 

When I was married my then wife was about 5'7 145 lbs.. I was married for 5 years and in that time she swelled to almost 180lbs+ and I never cared.. It was her body not mine..

As well as the weight gain was caused by all the injections from invitro and trying to have a baby as well as having a misscarriage at 3 months..

 

so her body was out of whack

 

I do think though that if she got any larger I might have said something only for the health issue..

 

When you love someone you don't notice their size.

 

Totally agree!!!

[lindya]

I'm sorry, but that much weight does affect my attraction to her. Not my love for her but definitely my attraction for her. To such an extent that I frequently can't function in the bedroom because I am so turned off. Does that make me a jerk? Or is this a completely unreasonable amount of weight?

 

It's a wholly unreasonable amount of weight. If you were being vicious and cruel about it, I'd call you a jerk...but you're not being vicious. You're being a concerned and honest spouse.

 

What would you people do in this situation? Am I so bad of a person for being affected by it? Would you be?

 

Yes, I'd be affected by it.

 

Sexual attraction shouldn't be conditional on a partner being physically perfect, but I think it's fair enough for people to expect that their partners would want to enhance their sex lives - and be attractive to their partners - by keeping in reasonable shape.

 

Provided you aren't being cruel and destructive - eg comparing your partner unfavourably to other women, telling her she looks "ugly" etc - and it certainly doesn't sound as if you are, then I think it's reasonable for you to be concerned about the fact that she weighs more than 300 pounds. Slightly overweight is one thing - and many people quite suit being a little on the plump side - but 300 pounds is unhealthily obese by any standards.

 

It might be helpful if you switch the emphasis away from your feelings about her size - and turn it more towards what she thinks about it, and whether she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter. That's all about giving her back a bit of control...and, hopefully, starting to do something about her weight because she wants to, rather than because she feels pressurised into it. If she does show signs of trying to address the problem, remember to give her lots of encouragement - positive re-inforcement is always more effective than negative comments....and, obviously, is better for your relationship.

 

I hope things get better.