Overweight SOs

[slubberdegullion]

It might be helpful if you switch the emphasis away from your feelings about her size - and turn it more towards what she thinks about it, and whether she'd be happier if she was slimmer and fitter.

While I understand what lindya is trying to say, I've also seen it backfire. The conversation went something like:

 

He: Have you given any thought to your weight? That may be causing some of your knee and hip problems.

 

She: I'm fine the way I am.

 

He: I love you no matter what. I'm just wondering if you considered the possibility that losing weight may reduce some of the joint pain you have.

 

She: Are you saying I'm fat?

 

He: I didn't say you were fat.

 

She: Well, it sure sounded like it to me!

 

He: I was just wondering if it had crossed your mind that losing some weight may help.

 

She: How dare you tell me I'm fat!!

 

He: Sweetheart, it's not about being fat. It's about lessening the pressure on your joints. I know it must be very painful to walk around on damaged ankles and knees.

 

She: Don't you try to suck up to me, mister....

 

... and the conversation dissolved into chaos, culminating in her yelling and screaming at him while he sat there and took all sorts of verbal abuse.

 

Point is, there are some subjects that, no matter how gently they are approached, they automatically cause a defensive response.

[bab]

Excessive weight gain, (not including medical reasons) matters. I think it's naive to say that it doesn't. I'm not saying that the love for someone is dependent on their size, but attraction is. When I started dating my fiance I was around 155. At my heaviest, I reached 170. I am currently around 145 and our sex life is much hotter now then it was when I was 170. Why? I have more self-confidence, and my fiance finds me sexier. It matters. Did he ever stop loving me? No, and I never doubted his love. Why must we be sooo insecure that our SO admitting that our weight gain bother's them makes them Cruel instead of us lazy??? This makes no sense to me. Isn't your SO the one whom you depend on to tell you hard truths? Isn't "letting yourself go" taking your SO for granted? I also love my fiance so I want him to get to have the pleasure of sex with an attractive woman. Now I'm certainly not willing to let that attractive woman be anyone else, so it's gotta be me!! If that requires a couple extra hours at the gym, so be it. I want my man to think, "Wow, she's hot..." when he sees me. Who doesn't? I'm willing to go the extra mile for my man, and I'd have no quams about telling him to hit the gym more if he was getting heavy.

[lindya]

... and the conversation dissolved into chaos, culminating in her yelling and screaming at him while he sat there and took all sorts of verbal abuse.

 

Point is, there are some subjects that, no matter how gently they are approached, they automatically cause a defensive response.

 

People will generally respond to criticism, even criticism that deep down they believe is justified, with a defensive response. Sometimes you just have to be patient and let them express their hurt feelings without trying to invalidate them. Trying to think about the above conversation from the woman's perspective (don't shoot me for this, Slub):

 

He: Have you given any thought to your weight? That may be causing some of your knee and hip problems.

 

What she believes is the subtext .."You're complaining about having knee & hip probs. I see this as a good opportunity for me to broach the subject of your excess weight."

 

She: Are you saying I'm fat?

 

He: I didn't say you were fat.

 

She (maybe) thinks "He certainly implied it."

 

He: Sweetheart, it's not about being fat. It's about lessening the pressure on your joints. I know it must be very painful to walk around on damaged ankles and knees.

 

She: Don't you try to suck up to me, mister....

 

She (maybe) thinks "let's not pretend this is purely about you being concerned for my health. You think I'm fat, and you don't like me this way. Don't patronise me by pretending you're thinking about my welfare. You just want me to start getting myself into a more shaggable shape!"

 

So she might get defensive - not just about her weight, but about him refusing to validate her hurt feelings about him thinking her weight is a problem. He gets defensive because he's tried his best to be sensitive and diplomatic about this - but whatever he says, she's just determined to fly off the handle about it.

 

So there's clear conflict that neither person is handling particularly effectively. She wants to see it through and get the issues out on the table (eg does he think I'm too fat? Is it affecting his attraction towards me?). She's using aggression and emotion as a form of dealing with the conflict. He's using avoidance - which isn't usually much more effective (if at all) than aggression as a form of conflict resolution.

 

I think in that situation he could have called a halt to that circular, negative discussion by shifting away from the position that he must defend his self image as a caring sensitive individual. Shift towards getting the issues out directly and clearly - without being cruel about it. "you're fat" is unkind and judgemental. "I think you're probably significantly over the healthy weight range for your height" isn't - in my opinion anyway. It's just a statement. A person's perception expressed in fairly neutral terms. Possibly one that will still draw a hurt and angry reaction, but that's just a stage people have to work through in these types of difficult discussions. You generally can't bypass it.

[slubberdegullion]

OK, Lindya, I've put away the gun.

 

I guess what tends to happen in conversations like this is that no matter what the man says, his lady may automatically default into a defensive posture. Frankly, I don't know a way around it, so instead of trying to tiptoe around the topic, maybe it would be better just to be direct and forthright.

 

Now, I personally don't have a problem if someone says to me, "Man, you need to lose a little beef. Look at that belly of yours!" looks down, ponders gut I appreciate directness.

 

But many don't. How would a woman prefer to hear a concern expressed about something as touchy as her weight?

 

I wish I knew.

[kitten chick]

I still suspect there are others out there that aren't speaking up because it's not PC to say, "yes, I would leave my SO if they were to gain weight". I appreciate the honest responses from everyone though.

 

The only thing I haven't seen come up (well slightly in the beginning of the thread) is the response to the difference between weight gain from a health issue versus a non-health related issue.

[slubberdegullion]

The only thing I haven't seen come up... is the response to the difference between weight gain from a health issue versus a non-health related issue.

Some medications, such as steroids, cause edema, which isn't actually fat, it's retention of fluids. In that case, there is little excuse for criticism because it is something that's beyond the control of the individual.

 

But when it's a conscious choice, like inhaling ice cream after a dinner at Mcdonalds, that is entirely different.

[Sundax]

I still suspect there are others out there that aren't speaking up because it's not PC to say, "yes, I would leave my SO if they were to gain weight". I appreciate the honest responses from everyone though.

 

The only thing I haven't seen come up (well slightly in the beginning of the thread) is the response to the difference between weight gain from a health issue versus a non-health related issue.

 

If it's a health issue that is totally debilitating, I would say of course there's no fault to be found in gaining weight. BUT what they do then is very important. If the issue passes and they don't try to lose the weight, that is irresponsible.

 

That's my situation. My wife gained the weight after getting hit by a car. She was in pain for a long time and depressed. I didn't hold it against her that she gained weight. No way. But now... it's ten years later and she still has all the extra weight. Her injuries have been gone for may years. I think the weight should go too.

 

Seems like for most "health issues" though you can still do your best to, you know, not overeat on a diet of very unhealthy foods.