I realize now I Fu**** up!

[regrets]

Hello everyone!

 

Thought I would give you a somewhat brief rundown on the latest episode of my life and let you smart people pick it apart and tell me what's going on.

 

We've been texting and calling. Alot.He's been on the road and called on his way to the job,at the job,leaving the job and then when he gets to his room.

Kept the convo light and relationship free basically.

And then one conversation-it got serious and he said everytime I push I make him think about why he should leave and not stay. He is trying very hard to not keep the past interfering with our possibility of a future if there is one. He said for me to stop apologizing and just relax. don't push.

 

Made plans to see eachother and did-Friday afternoon before I went to work and then today(Saturday morning)-I was with him from 7am-12.

 

Told me that if he decides there is a chance for us he will tell me and if he thinks it just wont happen he will tell me that too. But right now he is in a state of confusion and is afraid of going back to what we had.

Said If there is gonna be a future there can't be anymore yesterdays.

 

I told him I was afraid of losing him before I had a chance to Show him different. He said " This IS your chance" We need to go slow-you want everything right now-I'm telling you this is going to be slower than you expect or want.We have to do this slow.This will not be rushed because that's where it will fail again.

He said he wants us to be friends again and for him to learn the new me and for me to learn him again because we have both now changed.Said we need to do this in baby steps.

 

He said he is NOT using me and if he had already decided against us he would tell me.Swore on his children that he is not trying to play me or prolong my pain with a decision on his part to end this to hurt me.He is NOT trying to punish me for anything I've done.

 

Said maybe this would take alot of time to do. Doesn't have a timeframe for us. But feels this is my chance and a chance for us.

 

Said I hurt him very badly. But If I was uncomfortable with keeping contact with him-it's my decision and I need to do what I feel is best for me.

 

Said he lost a part of himself that he might never get back. Knows Im hurting too and he hates that he is a part of it.

 

Said he made me his EVERYTHING and now that scares him. Part of him is scared of me.

 

Says he is not stringing me along. He's not using me for anything but he is afraid that if we got back together right now and get into an argument we will throw this and the past in eachothers faces and end up hating eachother.Said all of this is in the past and he would like for us to have a clean slate to build a friendship first.Feels that we lost that a long time ago.Wants us to take this slow and he would like to be in an equal relationship with me.

 

Said at the last bit of our relationship he was beginning to hate me and that scared him.

He also said to not wait for him and to keep living my life-that is very important for ME.

 

Said if he was sure about whats going in his life right now(the new girl-i guess) he wouldn't be meeting up with me,he wouldn't be trying to maybe make this work. Said if he was sure it was over-he would tell me and it would be a done deal. But he's not sure of anything anymore.Said when he broke up with me he was POSITIVE he was finished with me and now he's not.He didn't think that he would have feelings to reconsider until the day we met up and talked for the first time and he said he could see how much I loved him.Said he didn't think he would ever see that again from me and it surprised him.

He's confused and scared about all of this.He really thinks there is a chance here and thats what has him confused.

 

Said he has been looking forward to hearing from again.He's been looking forward to seeing me again. Been looking forward to spending time with me again. And that was something that for him had ended a long time ago.

He can see that Im trying to change and can see the difference already but he's afraid to jump right back into the same crap. Thats why he would like us take it slow,build a friendship,enjoy eachothers company again.

 

So there you have it-in a nutshell. Just telling you what was said from his end. I don't know what to think anymore. I know you all have a solid valid point in the other woman issue and that i should just tell him to figure out his deal and then tell me-that I need to bow out of this equation. Do NC but my goodness that is hard to handle.

 

Feelings and emotions suck.

 

Will update when it happens.Let me know what you think.

 

Take care everyone.

[Kengne]

Hello regrets! How ya been?

 

Before I begin... let me say I had to read your post a few times before posting. My initial reaction was to reach out and shake you. Perhaps because all day today I've been giving advice to my friend in a similar situation who absolutely REFUSES to listen to me or anyone. And then I come on here... and see your post. You are absolutely REFUSING to listen to the good advice people on here are saying. So please don't get offended if the next few words are harsh - I've just about had it with being 'nice' or trying to sugarcoat it for you *not that I've really been doing that ANYwayz! *

 

Regrets.... your ex bf is VERY confused. He stated to you he is not ready to give your relationship a second chance right now - because he's scared of going back to what was etc... He's said he has not made a decision either way if it IS or ISNT 'completely' over, but when he DOES decide - he will advise you. But then in the other breath... ...he says this is your chance to re-learn each other... and then says you need to NOT wait for him, and live your life. WTF?? What the hell is he really saying? Because all I'm getting... at the end of the day... is that RIGHT NOW ... he is not prepared to get back into the relationship.... he is not 100% made up to give you guys a 2nd chance, PERIOD. PLEASE LISTEN TO HIM WHEN HE TELLS YOU TO MOVE ON and DO NC!

 

Regrets...it would be different if he was saying to you "I want to work things out between us... let's give this a go... let's start over from scratch and be friends...". He's saying all of this EXCEPT the beginning, and IMO, the MOST important part i.e. "I want to work things out between us." He has NOT made that decision - you yourself just told us this!! - so everything else he's saying (lets be friends) is really NULL and VOID because you are on different pages!!

 

It's one thing to be friends... for the sake of being terminal friends.

 

It's another thing to be friends... for the sake of starting over, and working back *hopefully* to a relationship.

 

What differentiates the two states of 'friendship' is the intent and motivation. In the former, there is NO intent or motivation for things to proceed further. In the later, that intent or motivation has CLEARLY been expressed, as has the desire to start over. To me...it sounds like your ex bf is taking bits and pieces from scenario 2... but WITHOUT expressing definitely that YES, he wants to start over and work things out. He keeps on sayign IF there's a chance.. IF there's a hope for you two.. IF IF IF...

 

All these IFs indicate he has NOT decided to give you a 2nd chance - STILL - and thus, really NOTHING has changed! BUT NOTHING! What has all this contact achieved? To me, it seems like you are worse off now than before. At least before... when you pretended to follow our advice... you were open and willing to do NC. Now... you keep on telling us oh he's calling... oh he's texting.. he's saying this, he's saying that but you know what regrets HE IS NOT REALLY SAYING ANYTHING! HE IS NOT SAYING ANYTHING! NOTHING.

 

He keeps on saying IF there is a hope.. IF there is a chance.. you have to take things slow *OF COURSE! NO one ever said to jump back into the relationship*... BUT (and here comes that ugly BUT he keeps on rearing)... OH HE's so scared... OH you hurt him SOOO much... Yes, yes that's all nice and done but HOW LONG WILL YOU LET HIM CRY YOU A RIVER?? HOW LONG?

 

Two tears in a bucket. Two tears.

 

AND I"M NOT EVEN GOING TO GO INTO THE 'NEW GIRL' cuz that is another drama in and of itself!!

 

Reading your posts is killing me. And this may be my last post on your thread for a while, as I feel I am talking to a brick wall. You don't seem to be acknowledging ANYTHING we are telling you, thus it seems pointless to give advice.

 

My last 2 cents...

 

He is saying all the right words, but he is not saying nearly enough. Because at the end of the day - point blank, he is not willing to give you a guys a 2nd chance, RIGHT NOW. He keeps on saying IF he was willing to give you a 2nd chance... then you'd have to go slow *NO DUH! *. But he's so scared &hurt, he's not even willing to MAKE that initial step towards a 2nd chance with you! NOT right now. So how long are you willing to wait for him? How long are you willing to continue to be available for him, so he can WASTE EVEN MORE OF YOUR TIME WHILE DRAGGING HIS FEET re: making a decision about you two?

 

HOW MUCH LONGER ARE YOU WILLING FOR HIM TO STRING YOU ALONG - yeah I said it! - STRING YOU ALONG - whether he's doing it INTENTIONALLY or NOT is besides the point. IT IS WHAT IT IS! How can you NOT see it?

 

Right now... as YOU YOURSELF SAID... if I were in your shoes... I would kindly tell the ex bf that I understand I hurt you ... I'm sorry ... but I need to move on with my life... and since you are not able RIGHT NOW to be with me... and you are not willing or able RIGHT NOW to even start over from scratch, and even make the STEP to TRY to work on things with us cuz you're so scared & still hurting... then I have no choice but to accept it... and move on... so I'm sorry, I cannot keep in contact with you while you are IN LIMBO AND CONFUSED... I need to do ME... please do you, UNCONFUSE yourself... figure out what it is you want... and get at me *or don't*.

 

STRAIGHT GOODS. And then... I'd FALL BACK. Straight into NC.

 

HE NEEDS TO MAKE A FRIGGIN DECISION!

 

Kengne.

[regrets]

Kengne-

 

You are right. Unfortunately for me-you are very right. I will tell him that I think it is best to part ways since he cannot make a decision on giving us a second chance and I cannot be in limbo any longer.

 

I will be very honest with you when I say this-I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS!!!

But i know I have to.

 

I still want him back. I still love him so very much! And I still hope he will give us a chance.And I'm still an idiot.

 

I don't know if going NC will have any impact on his decision.Maybe it will light a fire under his ass to get back with me-maybe not.A part of me is stubbornly thinking that keeping contact with him is the way to go.I say this just because I've known the man for 3-1/2yrs. I kinda think that NC will end up backfiring on me.

 

But it's probably for the best that I do this.

I will wait until he is back in town to do it in person.

 

I don't like this.I dont like this one bit. I'm getting a very bad gut feeling on it but I'm still gonna do it.

Wish me luck.

 

And Kenge.....DON'T LEAVE MEEEEEE!!!!! lol:p

[regrets]

Good morning everyone.

 

Don't know what the point of this post is.

Feeling very down and scared about the next time I talk to him. Thought about it all night and I still don't wanna do it. But I will.

 

That is all.

[newbby]

regrets further to kengnes excellent post, that is all you can deal with, what is happening right now. if you keep trying to plan for a future that may or may not occur what does that do to you in the present? it messes you up, and the more messed up you get, the more messed up your future will be.

 

definetly you should tell him that you are sorry for his pain, but that having this friendship with him is serving no purpose to either of you. you would love to be given another chance, but that he needs to get back to you on that decision as and when he has made it, not before.

 

and after saying these words, DO NC

[regrets]

Let me ask you a question. A stupid question but bear with me-my head is firmly lodged up my a$$.

 

What do you 'think' is going to happen when this NC is in full gear?

Do you think it will close this chapter or perhaps make him put a little more thought in making a decision-either positive or negative?

I will do this in person when he comes back-so I have time on how to do this and what I need to say. I'm going to have use everyones words on here I think-I can't think of how to say it.

 

I understand you don't have a crystal ball. Mine has a crack in it!

 

Just wondering at the thought process of people put in this situation.

 

Sorry for the lame-ass post. My head is pounding now from thinking about this all night and so far morning. I'm gonna be a joy to be around at work today.

[newbby]

i think its a common fear with nc, that you will be out of sight of of mind. nobody can say for sure what will happen during nc, but some things are certain. he will miss you. he will have space to work things out. he will be able to see what things are like with only him and the other girl and not you in his life (this is probably what scares you the most). he will not be losing respect for you as he is now. he will not be getting the ego boost of having you around hanging on his every word hoping that he will say he wants you back. he wont know what you are doing (he will have the fear of you getting on with your life and forgetting him). if he is going to make a decision, this is the only thing that will kick his butt into action.

[regrets]

Hello everyone,

 

Just felt like meowing a little bit today. Feeling very down in the dumps.

 

He is still on the road so I have not been able to tell him it's cut-off time( I refuse to do this over the phone) but I have been writing what I'm going to say over and over and over. I still don't want to do it-like I said earlier,I think it will backfire because of the way he is.It seems like he is detailing the course of action.Hard to explain-just believe my feelings on this one.

 

He has been calling and texting like crazy and that has me so confused and I actually found myself getting a bit angry at him and myself over this whole deal.If this girl is what he wants and he feels that there is NO chance for us-LEAVE ME ALONE! If I hurt him that bad-then why keep contact and encourage contact-phone and physical-LEAVE ME ALONE!

I just wanna scream!!

 

Latest rundown....Kengne if you're reading this-don't freak! lol

 

One of the conversations we had 2 nights ago-he said that he doesn't even know how to think anymore when it comes to me.I've put him in a position where he doesn't know what he should do.He wants very badly to believe things will be different this time.

 

Said if he was smart-he should've never met up with me that day-just told me that it's too late-because when he heard my words and saw me it completely F*Cked up his head and put his world upside down.He didn't think his feelings would be there for me and that he would even consider there ever being an 'us' again.

 

He said "I still haven't found it in my heart to walk away from you. That's how much I love you"

 

Said if he took me back RIGHT NOW-he would make me miserable with all the anger and emotions that are still there.

 

Said he will never know if he can be happy with anyone else because I weigh so much on his mind.

Said he has enjoyed talking to me and seeing me and he looks forward to time spent with me.

(Meanwhile I'm thinking-ok-so what's the deal with the new girl?!?! Get rid of her already!!)

 

Then he kinda rehashed some crap I pulled during this past year-let me tell you-If I told you what he said-even you guys would tell him to run for the hills!! I was a true biitch to this man!

 

This man really has NO reason whatsoever to even TALK to me ever again! It's a small wonder that he is! I am SO NOT making excuses for him but if I ever decided to start telling you everything I did and how I treated him-YOU WOULD BE FLOORED! I forgot alot of what I did until I actually thought about it. It's shameful and embarassing.

 

Regardless-I'm going to do what I need to do when I see him.

 

just wanted to tell you the latest going on here. Meow a bit-vent some and try not to cry.

 

That's it for now.Let me know what you think or just lend an ear. Thanks for listening.

 

Take care everyone.

[Walk]

I finally read through all of the posts.

 

I don't think NC is the way to go. If she had come to her own conclusion that she needed him out of her life in order to move on, then I would full heartedly support NC. But she hasn't. It's like smoking. Unless the person comes to the decision inside themselves, that it's best for them, then it won't work. A day will go by, and then they'll slip. She hasn't come to this realization by herself. All of you are pushing so hard for her to do this. Telling her what she should/shouldn't do, and I think she's just going along with it because she feels she needs to do something, anything.

 

Also, she knows her ex best. If she feels it isn't right, in her gut, then it probably isn't. If her main desire is to get him back, I think this is going to back fire. I may be wrong, but in my experience it doesn't do anything but cause confusion and pain for both parties.

 

Another reason to not do NC... If she really does love him, then her aim should be to do what is best for him right now. He's confused and frustrated, has a lot of anger that he's pushed down for years that is all coming up to the surface. If you love someone, you help them, even if it doesn't benefit yourself. Help him resolve those issues without pushing for a relationship. Why does he have to decide, state in bold terms, that yes he will definitely start fresh with her? It's been a month. People heal on their own terms. If she really wants to change, for herself and not for him, then help him work through his pain. Listen, let him vent, help him with areas he doesn't understand... until he can get all of his pain and frustration out. He may never want to restart their relationship, but if she loves him, shouldn't she be there for him? If she caused all this pain and anger, shouldn't she try to help him so that he Can love someone else again? Or shut him out and tell him to deal with it? It'd take minimal effort on her part to sit and listen to him.

 

The whole thread is "how can she win him back". But if you love someone, you put yourself aside to help them. She caused the pain, she caused the breakup. If she really, truly loves him, then why isn't she doing everything in her power to help him heal from the damage she caused? Without a single expectation of getting anything in return. she has no right to demand something from him. Not after the way she treated him.

 

I'm not trying to rag on you for your past actions, please don't take it that way.

 

I don't think it's the way to go with him. I know for a fact it wouldn't work in the relationships I've been in. I don't see a long term benefit either. His biggest complaint was that she never had time for him, wouldn't come see him or talk to him. So all of you are saying she should not see or talk to him, and you think this will make him want her more? It'll end it. Completely. He'll think she's returned to exactly who she was, and he'll NEVER talk to her again. He'll feel justified in ending it in the first place, and a fool for thinking she could've changed. And he'll never trust anyone with his heart ever again.

 

I may be wrong, but I don't think I am.

[regrets]

Good morning to all of you!

 

Walk-you nailed it. I don't think NC is the way to go either even though a part of me thinks I should sever ties because it IS hard having to deal with him with someone else.

 

But like I said earlier I think if I do initiate NC-it will in fact backfire on me because of how D is. He had said many times to me since we have resumed contact that this time around-with me saying that i've changed and I'm trying to change that I HAVE changed and he can see that.

Before I wouldn't make time.I wouldn't call him,I wouldn't text him,I wouldn't see him.Now I'm making time for us.Now I'm going out of my way-willingly-to spend time with him. I think THIS is what he NEEDED to see. Now I am trying very hard to disassociate myself from anything related to the 'old' me and how I would do things when it came to him.

 

He has said several times to me that he has seen me more now in the past 2 months than he did in 2yrs. And he's right.

I saw this man at my convenience. Yet I expected him to ALWAYS be there for me at my beck and call. If I NEEDED something fixed-if I NEEDED something done-If I NEEDED something for myself or my kids-if I WANTED a piece of jewelry he would get a piece of ass! Would you believe that now I can't even wear the jewelry he bought me? I can't even stomach to LOOK at it!

 

It's DISGUSTING what I did!! I never made this man feel sincerely WANTED unless I NEEDED something!! Realistically-I never did anything to try to keep this man. I pushed him away every chance I could because I expected him to always be there and take all the bull$hit I dished out with a smile on his face.

 

He said it took him a whole a yr. to finally work up the balls to leave me. He didn't do it before because he LOVED me! How f*cking stupid am I?!?!?

 

You wanna know how selfish I am? I didn't WANT him when I HAD him and now I don't WANT ANYONE ELSE TO HAVE HIM EITHER!!!!

Pathetic...

 

Would you believe the straw that broke HIS back was me hanging up on him? And I didn't call him back because I knew he would come around? He ALWAYS did! Nope-not this time. He decided he finally had enough and that was it. When we were talking recently he actually asked me why I didn't call him back at some point.That we wouldn't be where we are right now. He said he felt that I didn't give a $hit anymore and he just didn't know what else to do expect walk. He couldn't take anymore.Said he was tired of being treated like $hit.

I think the smartest thing he did was walk.I wouldn't have ever thought to change.Would've NEVER seen what I was doing was hurting him-BAD!

 

I think what he is doing right now is seeing how I am in general.In situations where I would've freaked I am forcing myself to keep a level head and think before I react. Thats NOT ME-that's the old me-the one I'm running from! Instead of getting everything I want WHEN I want it-I have to handle NOT having it. I would've bitched and meowed and pouted at having to wait for what I want-NOW! I want I want I want- ME ME ME! See a pattern?

 

As for this girl-I don't like it-I f*cking HATE IT! Can I blame him? No.

Right now-this girl is the complete opposite of me-the old me-whatever. She's got a clean slate and mine has chalk writing all over it that i'm trying to clean with DIRTY erasers.See my warped point? I've got to wash that board and buy new erasers to start over with the same board OR I have no choice but to eventually,sadly, get a 'new board'.

Good grief-forgive the terrible analogy. Bear with me.

 

He even told me that he can be sitting right next to her and think "My God-she's NOT 'S'! 'S' should be here not her" "she's a nice girl but she is NOT you!" Said I'm all he thinks about now. (I think he should end it with her then!-can't explain that one for nothing)

 

I have to take what he says for what it is. He could be lying to me about everything. Who knows.

All I have in my head is-If he is so sure of this relationship with the new girl he wouldn't be in contact with me as much as he is.(There is ALOT to this part of the story) No-I'm not justifying what's going on. Just trying to tell all of you my thoughts.

 

I think he is being very careful and extremely cautious with any idea of there being an 'us' again.I can't blame him.Either he will or he wont. Bottom line.

 

I have been going out-I've been keeping busy-Im always involved with the kids and school-and I've been reflecting on things that I've done and can NEVER do again! I've had alot of time to think about myself and my life.

 

Understand that I love this man so very much! And I WANT him in my life-I don't NEED him and I KNOW THAT! Should this not work out-I will go on-I'm not that foolish to say I'll die without him. I'll have lost something that can truly be amazing and an incredibly wonderful man that loved me to no end. Thru my own fault. And that will be my lesson. A lesson learned.

 

Well-tell me what you think-whether you think I'm screwy,stupid,headed for heartbreak-or maybe right.

 

Take care.

[Walk]

I don't want you to take my opinion just because it coincides with yours, but because you've thought about all of the options, and because you have taken into consideration who your guy is.

 

The 'other woman' validates him. Makes him feel special, and wanted, and appreciated. I can't imagine he's giving her even a quarter of who he is, since he's gone all the time, and still spending a lot of time contacting you. I feel bad for the girl, hopefully he's been honest with her.

 

I do really believe that you need to try to help him through this with no thought of yourself. If you are to blame for these problems, then I feel that it is that persons responsibility to attempt to heal the wounds with no expectation of getting something in return for it. Do it because you love him, and want him to have a healthy future. Not because you want him back. Don't do it to get him back.

 

My ex was a lot like you were toward your ex. He assumed I would always be there, no matter how much he took from me and never gave. I spent years begging him to take me into consideration, to work on us, and spend time on us. But he wouldn't. After I left, then he realized he wanted me in his life.

 

I spent a long time talking with my ex after our divorce, to help clarify questions he had, to let him vent, to help him come to his own conclusions on situations. I wanted him to be able to understand my actions, and how his actions affected the relationship. I did it in the hopes that in the future, he could find love and happiness again. With me, or with someone else, was not the issue. I wanted him to learn from our mistakes, and be a stronger person in the future.

 

A little while after I left I started something with another guy. It lasted a couple of months. I wanted to feel appreciated, and wanted. I had feelings for the other guy, but the love I had had for my ex was so much greater then anything I felt for that guy. It was like a shadow of a cloud. I liked him, but not the depth of feeling I had had for my ex. I used the guy as a crutch because I wasn't strong enough to face the pain alone.

 

The difference between your situation and mine... I didn't like who my ex turned into after the breakup. He was different, but he'd changed in ways that were completely different from what I had wanted in a partner. (He became very religious, his view of the world was polar opposite of mine.) I didn't enjoy spending time with him, and I didn't actively seek to talk to him on a regular basis. I only did it to help him heal, and ease him through the transition. At no point did I ever gave him any hope of getting back together. When he'd ask if we had a chance, I was very blunt about how I felt. And that we didn't have a chance.

 

You have a very fine line to walk right now. You won't get a third chance. You've told him your discomfort over the other girl, but you aren't in a position to make demands from him. I know that if my ex had been as generous as I had been in helping him to move on with his life, then I may have had second thoughts about the breakup. But his only concern was getting me back, and because of this I never felt his "change" would've been permenant. It was still about him, and what he wanted. He didn't care if I had issues, or that I was hurting. He didn't care to make me smile, or ease my day in anyway. His concern was to work through his problems, and his pain.

 

Also, the anger and pain of feeling taken for granted and unappreciated takes a long time to heal. You can either attempt to help with this, or let him deal with it on his own. It's taken me years to get over my anger at my ex. If he'd been more focused on my needs and feelings, I think I could've forgiven him sooner. But try to keep in mind that it does take quite a while for the anger and pain to subside. A month isn't very long.

 

I just wanted to say again... I may be wrong. Don't base your decisions off of what I have said. I'm not a relationship guru. I just know how I've felt in the past, and what I've learned from it.

[regrets]

I completely understand where you're coming from. I think I should do NC but I really don't think it's going to work in my favor-at all. I think he will just say F*ck it-I don't need this crap anymore-she'll never change-she lied-I'm done.

 

And then I'll be on here with an entirely new thread!

 

You had mentioned that this new girl 'validates' him. Good way of putting it. I think Devildog once said she was a 'quick fix'. I do believe now though that if he doesn't give us a 2nd chance it's NOT because of her-that he wants to be with her. It's because of me. I have to accept and understand that. I don't like it-but I understand-NOW.

 

And you're right-it was also said from another poster-I'm in NO POSITION whatsoever to be making demands from him.

 

He had said to me-about giving me a 2nd chance-that THIS IS my 2nd chance. I think he is just watching,listening and observing.

On guard and cautiously open.

Mind you I don't want to feel like I have to walk on eggshells from now on either-but I understand where he is coming from.

 

I have been trying very hard to make any time spent together-phone or in person-a good experience. Good conversation,laughs,jokes-anything that will put a smile on his face. If I could take this mans pain away-I'd do it in a heartbeat. He didn't deserve all the crap I put him thru.

I can't take away what I did-what's done is done.

 

Yes I want him to be happy. Hopefully healed from any and all hurt I inflicted to his morale,emotions and self-esteem. I would do anything to help him overcome this so we can move on to a better 'us'. But...I want him. I care about him. I love him.

 

All I can do is see what happens.

[Walk]

I have been trying very hard to make any time spent together-phone or in person-a good experience. Good conversation,laughs,jokes-anything that will put a smile on his face. If I could take this mans pain away-I'd do it in a heartbeat. He didn't deserve all the crap I put him thru.

I can't take away what I did-what's done is done.

 

See... you're already miles ahead of where my ex was.

 

Why do you think you should do NC? For you? If so, then I think it's a great idea. You could really use time to sort through your feelings and thoughts. You'll do fine. Which ever way you choose to go with this. *hugs*

[regrets]

Good morning.

 

Walk-I am thinking to do NC because I feel that I need something definite right now.

Either tell me there is a chance-get rid of the new girl-and lets try this again OR tell me there is no chance and be done with this whole ordeal.

 

I HATE being in limbo and NOT knowing. I would rather deal with the heartbreak when I know it's over(and yes it is over-he broke up with me-but If he was so sure of it-then get the hell out of my life for good this time!). I can say then that I tried to have another chance for us but to no avail. It's over-stop trying.

 

It's having to deal with the calls,the texts the physical contact that is making me more confused.I WANT to be with this man again.I WANT to receive his calls and texts. I WANT to have a life with this man.

 

Here's something to digest-I'm GLAD there is a bit of confusion on HIS end. That is a terrible way to think. And I don't like it. But it's the way I'm thinking right now. I know that if he was so F'n positive there was NO CHANCE he would've never contacted me/met up with me. That's just how he is. He himself has said he is very confused when before he was positive we were over.

 

And honestly- my EMOTIONS are interfering with COMMON SENSE! And that is more apparent after typing what I just did. I'm not even going to edit or change anything about this post. These are my thoughts and I want you all to see how screwy I am and how confused and hurt I am. And how I KNOW I NEED TO DO SOMETHING!

I also don't mean to make this all about ME-I know very well this has to be about him-but this is why I feel I should do NC. It will be an ending for ME even though I don't want one.

 

By the same token-I feel that NC will in fact backfire and THAT will bring the end that much sooner and more sure for us. But at least it's a 'DEFINITE' something-anything-either positive or negative. Did that make sense?!?! I know what I'm trying to say I just hope it came across in print.

 

I feel where there could be a chance(according to everything he says-bull$hit or not) because he HAS interaction with me-doing NC will in fact make him feel he was right all along.

 

AND THIS COULD ALL BLOW UP IN MY FACE REGARDLESS!!! I REALIZE THAT TOO!!!!

 

Again-I have not stopped living my life-I have it in my head that if this goes nowhere except straight to the toilet-I will be ok. Hurt-but ok. My life will continue but not with 'D' in it. I go thru this thread as well as other threads and read as much as I can to try to get everyone else's life experiences and try to make sense of my own confusion.

 

I don't think my situation is the EXCEPTION-I HOPE it becomes one.

 

I felt the need to meow a little bit-thanks for listening everyone.

Take care.

[newbby]

regrets, after reading what walk has posted. i have an idea. why dont you just tell him that you are going to give you both a break. a period of one month nc. so that he can decide if he wants to be with the new girl and try and work things out there, without you interfering and so that you can come to terms with the fact that you may have lost him forever. then stick to that nc for one month. you know after this that you can contact him again. it WILL give you a chance to gain some strength to deal with this again and it will give him the chance to think about whether to take a chance on you. i dont think anything will happen without some period of nc, but it does not have to be total and you saying it is temporary shows that you are not giving up and reverting to old behaviour.

[regrets]

Good morning everyone.

 

Thought I'd fill you in a little conversation I had with him last night.

 

Says he realizes this is hard for both of us. Says I need to think this thru and decide if I can handle the indecisiveness AND contact. Then do what I think is best for me.

He does not want me to go.(I don't want to be his backup plan-thats the feeling thats beginning to finally creep into my head)

 

Says he never expected me to care about losing him. He feels he's begun to have doubts in his mind and that scares the crap out of him. Says I've made him rethink all of this.

 

He's afraid to go back to where HE was in the relationship.

 

He hates seeing me hurt and cry because he KNOWS EXACTLY where i'm at-He was there several times when I told him I needed space or a break and put HIS LIFE on hold while he waited for me to make a decision.

I made a comment to him that everytime I went a break-he never left me alone(with the exception of 1 time for a whole month and I called HIM) I said you hounded me and wouldn't leave me in peace. He said "I ran out of steam. I feel drained now. I couldn't keep chasing you."

 

I put him in a very awkward and difficult position.

 

Says that I will start getting angry with him and then come to hate him and then blame him and it will end up being his fault. Says there is alot of emotional steps I will go thru before it is all said and done.

 

Says he really doesn't know what to do and feels very stuck-does not like the feeling or that he is so confused.

 

He said you have to understand-when I left-I was done.It was over.There was no doubt in my mind I didn't want to see you,know about you or hear you voice ever again as long as I lived. And now you have completely F*cked up my head.

 

We left the conversation at that. He sends me a text a little while later and said " I'm sorry about all of this"

I did not respond.

 

Then later that night he sends a text saying he might have a flight in but he will have his kids if he does so he can see them for a bit on sunday before he flies out again.

I sent him a text back(just to see what he says)-Why don't you leave HER with the kids while we talk. Or will she flip?

 

HIM: It'd be too hard to explain.i don't want to rely on someone like that, It moves things to a level I'm not going to.

 

ME: What level are you talking about? It was just a suggestion. Didn't mean to make you upset-or anything-like I said it was a suggestion.

 

HIM: You didn't. Think about it this way. The more I ask from/of her. The more I end up depending on her. I don't want to get that deep.

 

ME: As for you getting deep with her...Its best I keep my mouth shut.LOL If you can and want to I'm here. If it's going to cause problems for you with her then do what you think is best.

 

HIM:I wasn't concerned about causing problems.

 

I didn't respond. Watched TV with my girls. Cuddled up with my little one and fell asleep with her.

 

That's where we are as of today.

 

Have the feeling in my gut now that regardless-NC or not-this will not go in my favor. Don't ask-just a feeling. When I get a better grasp on it-maybe then I can explain.

 

Thank you for reading. Hope someone responds-good or bad.

 

Take care.

[regrets]

Hello Newbby-how are you?!

 

That might be an idea. At least then after the 1 mth is up-I would get a definite answer. That would be a relief no matter which way it goes.

 

What happens if after the month is up he STILL DOESN'T KNOW what he wants?! Do I offer him the icing for the cake he's eating?!

 

We do seem very stuck don't we.

 

I think I will have to really consider that suggestion.

 

Great- another thing I have to think about...

 

Thanks Newbby! I REALLY needed that!!!

[regrets]

Ok-just got a text from him that he expects to be in town on Friday night and he would like to see me on Saturday AND sunday morning before he flies back out that afternoon. (Where's the new girl in all of this? Out of town?)

 

So I have 5 days to get my $hit together and tell him....something. WHAT?!?!?!

 

NC-partial NC-Temporary NC-Don't do NC-WTF do I do?!

 

This is brutal.

 

All of you need to help me out here and figure out what I'm gonna do. What I NEED to do. I know what I WANT to do-but that's the heart pushing-not the mind leading.

 

*Newbby-please read my post on the previous page with our text volley.Let me know what you think. Thanks sweetie.

I would appreciate any comments about that text volley especially with the "I don't want to get that deep" comment. I'm reading what I WANT-tell me what you think. Yes-I'm over-analyzing EVERYTHING. Including the weather....

[newbby]

all i get from the texts is that he is trying to keep you around. he realises he is in a better position with her around. you are more likely to hang around because you will be scared to leave him alone in case they work out.

what can you do though? rather than analysing all the little details of this, you have to just simplify it. he is not ready to say yes he will give it another go, for whatever reason. he may well be terrified of going back to how things were but there is no way you can prove to him that things will be different when he is with you, unless he is with you AND things are different. i think i said this before. it is an imaginary situation until it happens. if he doesnt decide to take the leap it remains an imaginary situation whereas the real life situation is that you are doing everything he wants you to do, while he remains indecisive and remains with the other woman.

so what reason does he have to make a decision. at least with nc, even temporary nc, it changes this pattern and keeps it from becoming stuck, the same as it was before, but in reverse. think about how you were before, you werent even thinking anymore, you had gotten used to behaving in a certain way that seemed to work, got you everything you wanted. if you dont want him to get used to this, then you need to break the pattern somehow. the ONLY way is with nc, but temporary nc, may be better in this case.

[regrets]

Thank you for responding.

 

I have never been more confused than I am right now.

 

And could I be more F*cked up in the head?!?

 

That gut feeling about this not going in my favor regardless of what I do is so strong-I can't shake it.

 

I will keep all of you posted with anything new.

 

Just needed to vent some of my thoughts.Thanks for listening and replying to all my meowing. I wish I was stronger but right now I'm not. So bear with me and all my rambling thoughts. This will all eventually be over soon.

 

Take care.

[regrets]

Good morning everyone.

 

He sent me a text while I was at work last night and it said

"I've been trying very hard to think this thru. I'm not getting anywhere fast. I feel like I'm spinning in circles. It really makes me feel like an idiot."

 

I replied "You need to tell me what I can do to help you stop spinning in circles."

 

He replied" A gunshot in the brain pan would be a good start".

 

ME:And what would that accomplish?

 

No reply.

 

I sent him a good night text as well as a good morning text and still no reply so far. Sitting here scratching my head-not sure if I should be concerned or just leave it alone til I hear from him.

 

I will not attempt anymore contact til he contacts me first.

 

What do you all think?

 

My apologies that this has become a diary/journal/blog but I feel like my head is gonna split from all the thoughts running thru it.

 

Take care.

[Kengne II]

Just read all the updates.

 

But for once - I literally, have nothing to say.

Reading your post echoes my current situation w my ex R.

I caused him alot of hurt.

Even though we have/are 'starting over from scratch'... there are no guarantees. There are no guarantees that we will or will not get back together, even tho he has told me he would like a relationship and wants to be with me. It's only been a month since we began from scratch, and I am hard pressed to NOT push to make it 'official'. Like walk said, my focus should not be on us 'getting back together'... but rather just taking things day by day and letting them progress naturally. Whatever happens, WILL be for the best.

 

So... as has been told to me... I will tell you this one thing:

You are waaaaaaaaaaay overthinking this situation.

Talking to tooo many people.

Hearing tooo many different opinions.

Becoming toooo confused.

 

I know this - because for the last few days I fell back into this SAME rut... and it literally drove me crazy. Analyzing & re analyzing every convo... word... look... touch... it was nutz!

 

Regrets - please please stop.

No one can tell you what the right thing to do is.

No one can tell you what is going to happen.

No one can tell you how he feels.

No one can tell or guarantee you ANYTHING.

 

I have given you MY opinion - which I still think is right

But what is right, FOR ME - may or MAY NOT be right - FOR YOU.

 

I love LS.org, but I truly believe that talking to us is hindering more than helping you - RIGHT NOW.

 

I am worried about saying do this, or do that... not that you're even listening lol... but I am worried, because our advice is making you even more confused. And that's NOT what I was trying to achieve.

 

I wish you good luck for when you meet this Fri/Sat.

 

Let us know how it goes.

 

Kengne.

[regrets]

Hello Kengne!! Long time no speak!

 

First-I was surprised to see you are from Mississauga. I used to live there and then moved to Burlington. I lived in Canada while I was married(11+yrs.) then when I left-I moved to Florida to be with my parents. And to watch my life go topsy-turvy!

 

And what's up with the new name(well the II)?

 

Thanks for responding sweetie. Yes-bottom line-I AM CONFUSED!!!!!

 

Talking to too many people? Ya think? LOL

 

I had a co-worker say to me last night-to not give up. She said that basically I planted the seed of doubt in his mind. If he was done definitely,he would NOT bother with me at all. For anything. But yet he calls,texts,sees me and still says he loves me. And....(I'll leave it at that.)

As for the new girl-she thinks that this will come to an end. Maybe not as fast as I want-but it will eventually end. She thinks his heart is definitely NOT completely with her. And even if he doesn't come back to me-even I don't think they will last. But I could also be wrong.

 

She seems to think that as long as I'm still in the picture-there is something there still for me on his end. Even he hasn't closed the door yet on us.

 

She and her now husband had split up for 5 mths.(and he did get involved right away with some other girl) but then came back. And they kept in contact the whole time (even in an intimate level). Alot of tears,alot of anger but it worked out for them.

 

Am I trying to cling onto hope-where there might not be any?-ABSOLUTELY.

Will this work out to my favor-I DON'T HAVE A F*CKING CLUE!!

Am I angry-frustrated-upset-depressed-sad-afraid-desperate?

Yup. Won't even try to deny it or make it seem like it's not so serious.

 

 

Everyone seems to agree to stick it out until he comes flat out and tells me it's done-I don't want to give you another chance-it's over-I want to be with her-there's no chance in hell I'll go back to you. Something along those lines-but he is keeping it open. Why? Because he is having doubts now as well? I don't know. I'm assuming and speculating the crap out of this whole thing.

 

And then I listen to what he says and he keeps asking for time. Says we need to do this in baby steps.He says I'm too used to getting everything I want when I want it but this time it can't be like that or this won't work.This is a new me he is NOT used to seeing or hearing. (I hurt him that bad but yet he STILL WANTS to see me and see where this goes?! Ooookay. Do you see where I get confused but still think there could be hope?)

 

They also say to me that right now the ball is in his court. He lived by my F*cked up rules for 2 yrs and now I have to just wait and see what happens. They think it's the least I can do. You people REALLY have no idea the $hit I pulled and HE STAYED and took it. He shouldn't even be talking to me at all.

 

Do I just go with it and see what happens? Follow his words on what we need to do? I don't know.

I do know without a doubt in my mind-if he wanted this to be over-he would say it and not hesitate for a second. He did it once-he can/will just as easily do it again.

 

In all honesty-I would love for him to either give us this 2nd chance or just break it off (again) and then I can go away for good this time and deal with it.

 

we'll see what happens.

 

*BTW-remember I said he hasn't been in touch since the bullet in the brain text? I was deleting texts and hit send and it called him. I hung up before it made a connection. Or so I thought. Yes-i'm an idiot. He called right back and I didn't want to say-sorry-I didn't mean to call you so I asked if he was ok.He sounded rushed and said he was fine. I said that I had sent a couple texts and he never responded. He said he was unbelievably busy and he would call me in the afternoon when they gave him his break. Said he can't be on the phone in the plant-but wanted to check I was ok.

I don't know what to make of that one-and I'm not even gonna try.I have to put it in my head-if he calls-he calls.

[Kengne II]

Hey girl!

 

I had login problems with the other account, and LS was taking too long to fix it. So I reluctantly created a new account.

 

It sounds to me like you have a whole lot of questions - but no answers.

Your last post is literally BURSTING with the confusion & frustration you're going through right now. It's so palpable I'm actually leaning AWAY from the computer screen, lest I get sucked back into that awful web of "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON??"

 

This will be a good lesson for you. A lesson in patience.

I, personally, have NO patience - WHATSOEVER.

And through this last breakup and the current starting over situation, I am beginning to develop this previously unknown (to me) yet beautiful characteristic.

 

But as before - the best advice I can give you is to PLEASE STOP LOOKING FOR ANSWERS that NO ONE here can give you!

 

We have done our best. The rest is now up to you.

Regrets you have to follow your heart AND your head, equipped with the good advice we have provided you.

 

But please remember at the end of the day - this is your life. You have to do what is right for you. Just don't let your emotions guide your actions, because right now that is what seems to be happening and I truly believe that if you continue down this road things will only get worse not better.

 

I still maintain that you need to give him space. A WHOLE LOT OF SPACE.

He is confused. And you are VERY confused.

 

And the space is not only for him, but for YOU TOO! Walk brought up a good point abt how he may take that to mean you are being distant/unavailable as you have been in the past. But you seem to conveniently forget or ignore that if you calmly explained to him your reason for NC ( YOUR PEACE OF MIND ) - he would more than likely understand. Afterall - he's said to you COUNTLESS times that if NC is what you need to do - he'd understand right? Why are you not listening to him, if not us?

 

That's the most I will say. I will not address the volley of texts, nor what your coworker said because any further comments will only feed into your overanalysis of the whole situation & continue to make you even more confused.

 

Please stop looking for answers outside, & look within you.

 

Wishing you the best,

 

Kengne.

[regrets]

I know I'm ridiculously confused. I can hear it when I talk and I can READ it in my posts here.

 

I have so many thoughts running thru my head that nothing is making sense anymore.

 

I expect to see him on saturday-so I have until then to try and figure out what I can say to possibly bring us to some kind of closure-permanent or temporary.

 

There is a feeling of despair and hopelessness that is just coursing thru me because all of this is MY fault. 'I' drove him away. And now I want this man back so badly but I don't know how to undo this mess.

 

Everything I do or say is a risk I take for him to decide this isn't what he wants. He says he is so confused about this and for once IM not confused about what I want.

 

I understand what you're saying about this being up to me. But it always helps to hear everyones opinions and advice. Maybe it'll be that 'one' post that clicks-that one word of wisdom that brings on a new outlook.

 

I need finality.I need closure. I know I can't let this continue on forever. It'll get me nowhere. I'm just wishing for all this to end-would prefer it to be in my favor-but I just want it TO END.

 

I need to vent.I need to cry so I come here because you have all been in the same boat,canoe,kayak,raft and yacht.Everyone has their own story but we all sail the same waters.

 

if I didn't have this place I think I would lose what little sanity I have left. So bear with me when I rant and rave. I'm listening even when you think I'm not.It's not fun being confused-i find it kinda scary.

So again-just bear with me please. I'll keep everyone posted as it happens.

 

Take care.