Lifegoeson12 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 So this isn't about my ex, dating someone the total opposite but about my ex dating someone who who had features that if I had them he wouldn't like. For instance, he would give out or point out if I didn't keep my eyebrows nice and neat. I once let my eyes brows grow out, just because I hadn't had time to get them done and he pointed it out to me and said he would never date someone with busy eye brows. There where a few more instances of that where he would point out things about me not always in a mean way but he would say things and then mention it wouldn't be his cup of tea. It had gotten to a point where I had to make sure my eye brows where perfectly manicured amongst other things too. I was never sure if he was being manipulative or genuinely preferred when I looked a certain way. When we started dating I was blonde but I decided to go darker for the winter months and would say how much he loved me as a blonde. even though I liked the darker colour and I explained I liked blonde for spring summer months and darker for the winter months I am pretty sure he had an issue with that too. So while out with friends for dinner I actually saw him on a date with someone who had everything that he used to give out to me about or point out to me. Essentially the girl had everything that he said he didn't like. I know we are no longer together but I am curious, why would someone give out to me about certain things and then date someone who had them? I want to reiterate I am no means interested in getting back with him but it is just a question as it made me very curious, why would he want me to look a certain way and purposely tell me he didn't find certain things attractive and then date a person who had them. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 9 minutes ago, Lifegoeson12 said: why would he want me to look a certain way and purposely tell me he didn't find certain things attractive and then date a person who had them. Try to avoid him and make sure you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Try not to allow the musings and behaviors of a questionable man influence your self esteem or self imagine. Is this the same man?: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted February 7, 2023 Author Share Posted February 7, 2023 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Try to avoid him and make sure you have deleted and blocked him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Try not to allow the musings and behaviors of a questionable man influence your self esteem or self imagine. Is this the same man?: I have him blocked on everything. It doesn't really get to me but I was just curious about stuff he would point out and say he didn't find attractive and then date someone with them and was curious why someone would say he didn't find certain features attractive, to the point I felt I had to look a certain way at all time and then date someone who had those features that he would give out to me about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted February 7, 2023 Author Share Posted February 7, 2023 I wasn't upset seeing him on a date, I was just curious as if I looked like the girl he was on a date with he would let me know he didn't find it attractive. So it made me curious and I wanted to see if others done that themselves or have had it done to them. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 There are probably other things about her that he likes so much he's overlooking her eyebrows and dark hair. Or maybe her eyebrows and hair are natually dark and he prefers that to dyed dark hair. Maybe what he origianally disliked he now likes. Who knows. I've never gone for a new guy who looked like an ex of mine so I can definitely understand that thinking. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 1 hour ago, Lifegoeson12 said: he would let me know he didn't find it attractive You'll probably move forward faster if you disregard his comments and don't compare yourself to his new dates. He's not worth your headspace. His tastes and opinions are irrelevant now. In the future, it's important to to modify who you are according to other's whims. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 Would you trust someone who says one thing and then does another? That would lower the person and their integrity in my eyes and anything said or done no longer carries much weight, if any. There are plenty of people who do this, OP. Maybe this is the first instance seeing it romantically or in someone you used to care about. A true dime a dozen. It can be confusing and frustrating seeing this. Ride out those emotions and let yourself feel whatever you feel. Don’t fight it, don’t overthink it, don’t dwell. Then move on and think about other things. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alpacalia Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 It is possible that your ex was being manipulative and wanted you to look a certain way because he liked it and it gave him a sense of control. It is also possible that he was genuinely attracted to certain features and that the person he is currently dating just happens to have those features. There seems to be a lot of expectations your ex had of you that you couldn't meet. He might also not be sure what he wants and make up his preferences along the way. Motivations are complex and varied. It's possible he realized he was being too critical and was now open to other looks. Perhaps he has genuinely changed his preferences and is now attracted to someone with features he previously disliked. Maybe he simply couldn't find anyone with the features he had previously said he liked, so he was now open-minded. However, it is important to remember that you should always strive to be true to yourself and to be comfortable with who you are, regardless of anyone else's opinion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted February 7, 2023 Author Share Posted February 7, 2023 1 hour ago, stillafool said: There are probably other things about her that he likes so much he's overlooking her eyebrows and dark hair. Or maybe her eyebrows and hair are natually dark and he prefers that to dyed dark hair. Maybe what he origianally disliked he now likes. Who knows. I've never gone for a new guy who looked like an ex of mine so I can definitely understand that thinking. I totally get that, most of my exes never look like each other. What I was trying to say was he would give out to me if I looked like the girl he was on a date with. I suppose I mean like as I said above if my eye brows weren't plucked, he would point it out to me and tell me he didn't find it attractive and wouldn't date someone with those kind of eye brows. I think what i mean is I used to get punished (Not in an abusive way) but he would make comments if I looked like the girl he was on a date with. A very pretty girl btw I am not knocking her beauty but if I looked anyway like her when we where dating he would say it was a turn off. It doesn't bother me but I was just like oh, so when I looked like that I was reminded how much he didn't like it. Tbh of all the guys I have dated over the last 11years he was the only one to ever comment on my looks none of the others said anything bad where he did so maybe it is just him and he didn't know what he wanted. I was just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 1 minute ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I totally get that, most of my exes never look like each other. What I was trying to say was he would give out to me if I looked like the girl he was on a date with. I suppose I mean like as I said above if my eye brows weren't plucked, he would point it out to me and tell me he didn't find it attractive and wouldn't date someone with those kind of eye brows. I think what i mean is I used to get punished (Not in an abusive way) but he would make comments if I looked like the girl he was on a date with. A very pretty girl btw I am not knocking her beauty but if I looked anyway like her when we where dating he would say it was a turn off. It doesn't bother me but I was just like oh, so when I looked like that I was reminded how much he didn't like it. Tbh of all the guys I have dated over the last 11years he was the only one to ever comment on my looks none of the others said anything bad where he did so maybe it is just him and he didn't know what he wanted. I was just curious. Were her eyebrows unlocked or something? How did you get close enough to her to notice that? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lifegoeson12 Posted February 7, 2023 Author Share Posted February 7, 2023 4 minutes ago, stillafool said: Were her eyebrows unlocked or something? How did you get close enough to her to notice that? They walked by us, I wouldn't have seem them otherwise. I just meant I had to keep mine trim and tidy or there would be an issues and id be reminded how unattractive I was where hers where more unkept and if mine looked like that I would have been told to fix them. I am not judging the ladys looks I was just stating that If I let mine grow out a little I was scrutinised for it. Link to post Share on other sites
NuevoYorko Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 Maybe he is bugging her about her freaking eyebrows and she has the personality type to just tell him, "thanks for sharing your opinion" and then carrying on. Obviously it's not a deal breaker to him, or he would dump her because of her unruly brows. That doesn't seem to be happening. In any case, the core of this is not him being inconsistent about eyebrows or other things like it. It's twofold: 1) only a serious asswipe picks apart their partner's appearance. Its a tactic to undermine another person's self confidence and create a power imbalance in the relationship. You are fortunate to be without the guy. 2) MOST IMPORTANTLY: It's extremely unhealthy for you to be indulging in paying attention to things like this. You and he are not together. His new date's eyebrows do not belong on your radar AT ALL. Who knows why he likes her. Who knows why you liked HIM, since he sounds like a pretty serious douche. Get some mental self discipline and stop obsessing about him and things to do with him. Your good life is waiting for you once you learn how to keep people who are bad for you out of it, and out of your head. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 Honestly who cares about the type of girls he is dating now? You shouldn't be wasting your time worrying about that. It's not your concern and it doesn't matter. Just leave him in the past and move on. And he was a jerk for making comments about your looks. I would never continue dating someone who did that to me. It's completely disrespectful not to mention a litle controlling. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 Let's focus on what's important here and this may in a round-about way answer your question. It had gotten to a point where I had to make sure my eye brows where perfectly manicured amongst other things too. I was never sure if he was being manipulative or genuinely preferred when I looked a certain way. No. No. No. No. No! No! No! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! .... NO!!!! … And yes, he WAS being manipulative. You don't let a guy comment on your looks like that. No. You tell him to shut up his trap. Either he likes the way you look or not. You don't let someone criticize your looks like that. And you don’t change because some idiot criticizes something about your appearance. Now, what sophisticated partners do ... and they are really smooth at it ... and I've had gf's do this ... is they gush and bathe you in compliments when they like a particular way you look! I cut my hair a particular way, woman hits me with a ton of compliments. I love your hair like that. This is legit and kind feedback. And I get to hear it and consider what I'm going to do. I can change and be in charge—and not judged at all. There is a way you can be somewhat negative without being toxic ... but it requires a lot of social sophistication and trust and KINDNESS. Like a gf once said to me, "We're going out today. Can we stop by the store and get you some new sneakers? Those have had it!" She was commenting on some ridiculously worn out sneakers I was attached to. Note: this comment is about my sneakers and not about my face and hair and hair color. I didn't at all feel attacked. The only comments you accept on your face, eyebrows or whatever, are compliments, big compliments. Period. No exceptions! He doesn’t accept you—and your looks are part of you--, send him on his way! In the future, tell a man who starts on this path. "I didn't ask you for any comments on my appearance. I don’t walk on this earth to please you with how I look.” So this leads to a possible answer to your question. There's a chance your ex just got off on controlling you and putting you on the defensive about your eyebrows and so on. I bet he didn't make any of those obnoxious comments to this new woman. Or …. maybe he has! You don't really know. Actually I would say there's a high likelihood he's going to be (or has already been) a jerk with her just as he was a jerk with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 (edited) 4 hours ago, Lifegoeson12 said: I had to keep mine trim and tidy or there would be an issues and id be reminded how unattractive I was. Don't worry about your looks or his opinion. Have you ever seen the collection of flavors in the ice cream shop or supermarket? Well some people just want to try all the different varieties. As far as his criticism of your appearance, it seems like you dodged a bullet anyway so jump for joy that you're rid of this clown. Edited February 7, 2023 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 Maybe he's met someone who refuses to pander to his shallow expectations and so he feels challenged by her and that's what's keeping him interested. Don't ever tolerate any male criticising your appearance in any way, it speaks volumes about them and none of it is good. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 5 hours ago, NuevoYorko said: Maybe he is bugging her about her freaking eyebrows and she has the personality type to just tell him, "thanks for sharing your opinion" and then carrying on. Obviously it's not a deal breaker to him, or he would dump her because of her unruly brows. That doesn't seem to be happening. This! She probably ignores his comments. @Lifegoeson12 My hair is short. My husband has previously made his thoughts known on how he likes my hair long - like how it was when we first met 30 years ago. I thank him for his opinion and then wear my hair how I like it....then he started keeping his opinions to himself. For what it's worth, he recently conceded that he now likes my hair better short than long haha. And for what it's worth, I'd love to see him wear more button down shirts, but he's a Tshirt kind of guy and so I accept that about him. You are not a man's personal Barbie doll for him to style as he pleases. You do you, and if he doesn't like it, then you're not compatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kassieee Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 (edited) She can pull it off. 🤷♀️ He likes those things on her. Possibly. Edited February 15, 2023 by justaskingok Link to post Share on other sites
JTSW Posted February 15, 2023 Share Posted February 15, 2023 On 2/7/2023 at 11:50 AM, Lifegoeson12 said: So while out with friends for dinner I actually saw him on a date with someone who had everything that he used to give out to me about or point out to me. Essentially the girl had everything that he said he didn't like. I know we are no longer together but I am curious, why would someone give out to me about certain things and then date someone who had them? To be honest, I don't think it's ever been about looks. He was clearly never 100% in the relationship with you and just nitpicked to find reasons to leave. This girl he obviously really likes because those things don't seem to bother him. I don't think they ever really bothered him. She may have a great personality too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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