Is my boyfriend stingy or just responsible?

[lucey]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for a year and officially dating 7 months( we are both 20 years old) . When we go on dates I pay most of the time. I have a difficulty expressing emotions and I use gifts and paying on dates as a love language so I dont mind, I have a  strong personality compared to my boyfriend's so he is "obedient" (he doesn't talk much he is quite and awkward) so when I want to pay I pay. He has been having some trouble with money he has a car to support and his job hasn't been paying him on time which is also one of the reasons why I want to be the one paying. My boyfriend is very responsible with money while I am the complete opposite (I have a problem with money spending) there have been times when I have had only 60€ in the bank but still pay (he doesn't know). My problem is that even though I pay most of the time when he comes and picks me up and we go somewhere "far" (30 minutes from where we live)  I offer money for gas and he accepts but he has never offered to pay for gas when I pick him up ( I use my parents car, he has his own) or one time he got me some cigarettes and a drink from the market on his way to my place (he asked if I wanted anything from the market) and they where 6.50€ I took out my purse and put the change on the nightstand and when he left my house a couple hours later he took it. I mean its 6.50€ why not just leave it I pay for most of the things. When I go over to his and buy his cigarettes he almost never offers to give me the money but if he does I say no. He does pay on dates when I let him he has also expressed that he doesnt like it when I pay, but why when I offer money for something he accepts it?

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, lucey said:

  he has also expressed that he doesnt like it when I pay, but why when I offer money for something he accepts it?

Try to even things out. He doesn't ask you to pay for everything, so don't. This may not apply to you, but it's important not to try to buy affection and it's important not to emasculate and infantilize anyone.

Even though you are trying to be generous, you may inadvertantly be creating a power struggle that could lead to resentment.

[basil67]

You say that you use gifts and money as a love language and don't mind.  But clearly, you do mind. 

Work out in your head what is reasonable split should be and don't offer more than that.   

[Lotsgoingon]

Quit paying for all the meals. Stop it. It's your business to know his finances in detail. Every time you pay the meal and dismiss his offer to pay or even pay his part you are saying you don't want to be paid. Therefore it makes sense that you don't want gas money. 

Stop this paying. Is a form of self-neglect and you can't even afford it. And he's not appreciating it. And yes, at some point own up to your finances. That's your in ... Hey, I like paying but recently my finances have been tight. I can no longer pay for our meals. Tell him that! He'll be fine. He won't blink an eye other than to feel a little confused that your money situation is tight. You've been acting like some rich person. 

 

[salparadise]

He is going along with what you suggest, so alternate paying such that it comes out approximately even. Try to conduct your offers such that it doesn't become an issue for either of you, and avoid exchanging small amounts of cash... just take turns. I think it's commendable that you pay your share. I think it's a European thing. Over here (US) when a woman says that gifts and money are a love language, she means something entirely different.

[Lotsgoingon]

His finances are NOT your business, I meant to say. Thing should be reciprocal when dating--and if the person can't afford that, you don't date them. 

[bene]

15 hours ago, lucey said:

When I go over to his and buy his cigarettes he almost never offers to give me the money but if he does I say no.

It’s quite passive-aggressive to say no when he offers money and hold a grudge that he doesn’t pay his share. He might just take your words at face value. Many guys are not good at taking hints and hidden meanings.

If you sincerely want to pay then pay. And if you actually want to split costs then just say so.
 

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, lucey said:

 I have a problem with money spending) there have been times when I have had only 60€ in the bank but still pay 

Why not focus on better financial management in general? For example is there a professional or someone you trust who could help you manage finances so you can achieve goals?

Such as education, independence, your own vehicle and housing as well as saving for vacations and other things and saving for your future.

Randomly giving money away in order to be liked or in control isn't really a great strategy, it's more like gambling. Reflect on your goals and find a way to start budgeting for and financing them.

Edited February 8, 2023 by Wiseman2

[smackie9]

Wow really? You are the one that has set the standard in this relationship. He is just following your lead. He is no mind reader you need to communicate what you expect. Let him wear the pants in this relationship. 

[Els]

If you have a problem with paying for everything, then... stop offering to pay for everything? Honestly, this applies to everyone regardless of gender. Don't offer something that you don't mean and then get offended that people take your words at face value.

[Calmandfocused]

To answer your question yes he is stingy.

However you are enabling the behaviour. You’re also not being honest with him or yourself about your financial position. 

Tell him the truth. Then Mirror his behaviour;  Don’t offer him money and don’t offer to pay. That way you’re equal. 
 

His response to your newly acquired boundaries will be interesting. 
 

However I’m not optimistic. Once you teach someone how to treat you over a long period of time, it’s not easy to change it. 
 

 

 

[JTSW]

Allot of double standards here OP.

You pay because you want to and don't give him a choice in it then you resent him for it.

He offered to get you something from the store but you gave him the money for it and got annoyed he took it. 

It's clear he is just following your lead because he thinks that's what makes you happy.

You need to communicate your issues to him. Be open and honest.

 

[Alpacalia]

I wouldn't say that your boyfriend is stingy.

It's great that you want to help him with his financial difficulties, but you don't seem to have a clear understanding of what each other's expectations are.

Your boyfriend might feel embarrassed or uncomfortable about his financial situation and that's why he's not offering to pay for things. I'm sure he wants to feel like he's contributing equally to the relationship. Alternatively, he might feel like you prefer to pay and he's trying to respect that. He might feel like he's not living up to his responsibilities as a partner if he's not able to pay for things himself. On the other hand, it could be that he's just not comfortable speaking up and expressing his feelings.

Have you tried expressing how you feel about paying for things and why it's important for you to do so? Then, listen to your boyfriend's perspective and try to understand where he's coming from. You might find that you have different love languages and that you each express your love in different ways.

Try to consider finding other ways to show your affection that don't involve spending money, like spending quality time together or doing thoughtful gestures for each other. 

[BaileyB]

I wouldn’t say that your boyfriend is stingy. 

He is obviously struggling financially if he has a job that hasn’t been paying him on time. I appreciate your desire to help him, but I question the way you are going about it.

In reading your post, I’m wondering why you feel the need to emasculate and disrespect your partner in this way?

On 2/7/2023 at 1:58 PM, lucey said:

I have a  strong personality compared to my boyfriend's so he is "obedient"

 

On 2/7/2023 at 1:58 PM, lucey said:

When I go over to his and buy his cigarettes he almost never offers to give me the money but if he does I say no. He does pay on dates when I let him he has also expressed that he doesnt like it when I pay

Honestly, I think you are young and you have some learning and maturing to do. 

On 2/7/2023 at 1:58 PM, lucey said:

I have a difficulty expressing emotions and I use gifts and paying on dates as a love language so I dont mind

 

On 2/7/2023 at 1:58 PM, lucey said:

My boyfriend is very responsible with money while I am the complete opposite

Healthy, mature relationships tend to be partnerships - not always equal, because that’s just the reality of life (he’s experiencing financial difficulties now, you are picking up the slack). But partnerships. It is possible to pickup the slack while allowing their partner to keep their dignity. I would encourage you to work on letting go of the need to dominate/control and allow him to keep his dignity. 

And finally, be careful about any unsaid expectations that you have - it’s easy to have unsaid expectations but they will cause a lot of resentment and damage in your relationships. Ie. You don’t mind paying for thing but then… why doesn’t he ever offer to pay for the gas when you drive? Or, why does he take the money I put on the counter for the cigarettes? As Basil said above, you don’t mind paying - but clearly you do. So perhaps, it’s time to have a discussion with the man about who pays for what and how you can both feel like you are contributing and appreciating the other. Good luck!

Edited February 9, 2023 by BaileyB